struggling..

[Guest guest]

Hello fellow travelers and new friends. Perhaps it is worthwhile to tell you

all a little bit of my " story " .

I am 23 and didn't really have an issue with food until I got to college.

There I lost my " freshman 15 " by over-exercising (training for an extended

camping trip) and eating what I thought was a healthy diet (aka not enough

food)... I wasn't happy at that small, unhealthy size... I became obsessed

with the scale and I watched that number go down, down down... I remember

loving it and loving people's reactions to my new body.

I gained all the weight back and more on my month-long camping trip in the

summer of 2006 (which I went on to please an ex-boyfriend probably). I

remember hating myself and my body for being " fat " , knowing that the

compulsive-eating behavior was starting and that it was unusual.

My compulsive eating continued in my sophomore year and I was miserable...

At that point, I started talking to a social worker and I always complained

to her about food. She suggested I start Overeaters Anonymous (OA). I

hesitated, but was desperate and, at 15 pounds overweight, I attended my

first OA meeting and kept coming back for a year.

That year was an interesting one. I tend to dive whole-heartedly into

anything I pursue, so I did not wait too long to get a sponsor, work steps,

be active, and attend meetings regularly. I was (am?) a compulsive

overeater, powerless over food... etc etc. As suggested in program, I went

to a nutritionist who gave my food exchanges for the day. I became obsessed

with perfecting that information (weighing and measuring to a T) and it was

then that I started counting calories (because I didn't trust the

nutritionist)!

There are a lot of amazing things about OA and twelve-step programs. They

teach you to live by spiritual principles and to essentially heal from the

inside out (a lot of what talks about corresponds to the 12 steps). I

met amazing people and did feel like I was making progress. I lost the

excess weight in program and did find some serenity, but I left because I

became convinced that there exists other ways to recover from ED. I was

shameful of the fact that I was in 12-steps, especially around food.

Since program, I must admit I have not been doing the greatest job on my own

(although I am very demanding of myself)... In this last year, I have

started relationships with professionals to get to the core of my issues,

searched for books to read on the subject, exercised, insisted on counting

calories (on paper or in my head), and really just continued to live in the

binge/purge cycle (just to clarify: for me, purging consists of drinking

water, exercising and not eating for an extended period of time like 24

hours or whenever I am hungry again).

I am grateful to have found 's podcasts because I do feel serene when

listening to them. I know that recovery is about ACTION and that continuing

improvement is possible. But, after bingeing three times in the last two

days, you all can understand that I might be feeling angry, frustrated, sad,

self-pitying, and whatever else. Really, I am scared... scared to change,

scared to be and feel beautiful, scared to think about what I do want to do

in my life. ED has been a pretty reliable friend over the years, but I do

realize that ED is not serving me.

I am probably only about 12 pounds overweight now (I try not to weigh myself

too much anymore) and I am ready to change. I know that patience is really

important, but I am soooooo wanting to get passed this point and really make

a sustainable turn for the better. I know it is not about the weight, but

I'm still pretty vain.

Again, I am scared and frustrated. I think about going back to OA, but

really don't want to (because I am still ashamed?)...

I am so wanting ED to drop that tug-of-war rope and get on board with me!

Feeling desperate. Thanks for reading.

Any thoughts?