Japan, my weight, and me

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*moving to Japan. First time alone, in a foreign country, and with a regular

9-5pm job

*had anorexia and bulimia for years but have been in recovery for 2+ years.

still struggle with food

*I am at my highest weight ever. I feel insecure and unhappy (as well as tired

and sluggish)

*have been bingeing due to nerve and lack of a normal food environment (family

is weird about food and bf is no longer living in the same city as me so i dont

have a " food role model "

*Japan has been a dream of mine for awhile but it stirs up a lot of issues that

led to my eating disorders- mainly that i felt the need to be smaller like my

japanese friends and to appear attractive to asian men (still feel that need

regardless of my current happy relationship).

*love clothing design and japanese designers but I realized I will barely fit

into even the largest woman's size in japanese clothes-this has made me feel

ridiculously insecure and depressed as japanese clothing design is a huge reason

as to why i love japan and wanted to go in the first place.

*recent attempts to lose weight have lead to weight gains instead due to

bingeing. ive gone into hyper-planning mode lately as its now only a couple of

months until my departure trying to figure out how to lose all the weight before

i go to japan. i just binged again after being " good " for 5 days.

*i am at a loss of how to healthfully lose this extra weight (its unhealhy

affects are showing up in my fitness level and blood work so I'm not crazy, I

have to lose this weight). i'm starting to feel like I'll never be able to view

food or my body in a normal way ever again!

*i keep promising to my bf that I'll lose X amount of weight by X time and when

I fall through and inevitably binge it hurts our relationship. im afraid my mind

games are going to hurt us more and more the longer i spend unable to " get over "

my food issues.

*i've put everything on hold in my life because of my weight for the millionth

time in my life. i cant work, study, or even relax any more. all i think about

is food and how im going to fix my problem.

Each day I fight a war. One side is angry that I wasted all my teens and now

early twenties being fat and miserable when I could have been thin and

" enjoying " my life and the other side is angry that I've wasted so much sweat

and tears and time and love on such an insignificant aspect of what it means to

be me. Therapy has not solved this. Journaling has not solved this. Even when I

was semi-normal with food I still had my desire to be thin and perfect resting

in the corner waiting for me to finally fulfill my potential. I am

simultaneously unwilling to suffer from ed while also unwilling to continue

carrying all this weight and being unhappy and unhealthy.

And to add to all that. I'm especially anxious of all this food and weight noise

in my head because I'll be living on my own in Japan and it is the perfect

opportunity for me to fall back into old behaviors yet again. This is the last

thing that I want!

tl;dr Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this kind of pressure and

successfully living on your own in a healthy way?