Today is Friday

[Guest guest]

I'm supposed to be working. I work at home Fridays. But I woke up this

morning feeling like crap.... cold coming on... slight migraine

beginning.... cramps. Just generally yucky. And I don't feel like

working. After a month of pretty tight deadlines, I'm kinda between

projects. I have work to do, but nothing that absolutely has to be done

right now. I just don't feel like working. I try to open a spreadsheet and

just can't.

So, I'm watching TV and crocheting. I have my work email up just in case an

emergency comes up. But nothing. No one is emailing me.

But then the guilt..... the shame.... the anxiety. Over the past few hours,

I've worked myself into a full blown anxiety attack. Complete with heart

palpitations and shortness of breath. I'm almost paralyzed with panic and

anxiety. I haven't had an attack like this in a few years. My mind is

working overtime!!! Part of me says " well, you know how to stop the guilt.

Just open a spreadsheet and work. " But then a part of me says " I can't! I

just can't! I don't want to " . Am I trying to get myself fired? Am I doing

a self fulfilling prophecy? See? I told you you aren't good enough. I

told you you would get fired one day (I've worked here 13 years). See? I

told you you suck!!!

I feel this way when I overeat..... guilt and shame. Logic says: If you

don't want guilt and shame, don't overeat. How come it's not that easy?

But right now, I'm a mess. I started out feeling like I need a mental

health day.... I deserve a slack day after a month of pretty hard work. But

now I'm a mess. I'm trying to remember the " positive intent " concept.

Everything we do has a positive intent. But it's not working. Guilt and

shame and anxiety rule the day. I need help.

I have some experience with anxiety attacks.... I know the calming inner

voice to use. I know the imagery to use. But right now, it's hard.

Especially when I have to keep an eye on my email in case someone actually

needs something.

You know what's weird? I'm not hungry. I don't even feel like eating will

make this feeling go away. Funny..... the only time I don't feel like

eating is when I feel like I'm losing my mind. Pretty sad, huh?

Patti