The challenge of aging

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my

greatest challenges being psychological and emotional. My health has been

pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy. I

do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well.

Overall, I stay pretty active. What I have been noticing over the last year or

so is that I find myself being " mentally exhausted " . It is hard to describe,

but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he

had been dealing with this for years. I work full time (until a recent layoff

that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another

subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with

depression (my sympathies to those in that situation). I have always tried to

maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I

have had a pretty great life. I love my partner, family and friends and have a

good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about.

I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television.

I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for

the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am

more inclined to " cash in my chips " and just blow it all on something (an

around-the-world excursion?). In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to

survive. I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of

life and I believe that has a lot to do with it. I don't know how much " healthy

time " I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can? Why

wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings

which I worked so hard for? My partner and I " joke " all the time about just

packing up and moving to Kauai. Instinctively, I always dismiss this as

impractical. But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take

care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of

the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest

accomplishments and joys in life. But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe