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JoeThanks for a very honest email.

I have felt that way also.  It seems that you are fantasizing like I do sometimes of just walking away from everything and just enjoy life without any responsibilities.  I think part of me still lives in the past when I thought I would not have a future and life was more spontaneous and not so focused on paying my bills while I grow old.  But I do not let that part of me take over since it is highly unlikely that I will be happy just hanging out for too long before I lose my mind.

What energizes me is a 4 day mini vacation somewhere where you can actually have your dream come true so that you feel like you are not starving for peace and relaxation.  I have to do this not to become burned out and jaded, which will keep me from doing what I am passionate about.

Have you taken a break in the past month that disconnected you from everything? If so, it is probably a good time. I bet you are exhausted by the thought of looking for a job and " redefining " yourself ( those two things can be mentally exhausting for sure and cause anxiety to all of us).  You may want to do this now, recharge, and go back to the world for your job search.

I also find that many of us have egos so attached to what we do or used to do for a living that when we lose it, but lose part of ourselves.  That was the case for me. I do not think I have recovered from that after 16 years of walking away from my career as an engineer. And redefining one's self at 50 may sound like something Madonna can do, but many of us are so stuck in our old habits that this becomes just wishful thinking.

Anyway, sorry for the long email.  I have been feeling pretty much like you do lately.  I have not even written on here much, as some of you may have noticed already.  But this too shall pass, like all we have conquered in the past.  We have our health and many other gifts, but that should not minimize the fact that we feel a certain way even when we tell ourselves that  we " should not. "

Thanks for sharing that email. 

On Thu, Oct 27, 2011 at 8:57 AM, terrierjoe <terrierjoe@...> wrote:

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional.  My health has been pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy.  I do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well.  Overall, I stay pretty active.  What I have been noticing over the last year or so is that I find myself being " mentally exhausted " .  It is hard to describe, but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he had been dealing with this for years.  I work full time (until a recent layoff that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with depression (my sympathies to those in that situation).  I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I have had a pretty great life.  I love my partner, family and friends and have a good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about.  I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television.  I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am more inclined to " cash in my chips " and just blow it all on something (an around-the-world excursion?).  In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to survive.  I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of life and I believe that has a lot to do with it.  I don't know how much " healthy time " I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can?  Why wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings which I worked so hard for? My partner and I " joke " all the time about just packing up and moving to Kauai.  Instinctively, I always dismiss this as impractical.  But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest accomplishments and joys in life.  But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe

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JoeThanks for a very honest email.

I have felt that way also.  It seems that you are fantasizing like I do sometimes of just walking away from everything and just enjoy life without any responsibilities.  I think part of me still lives in the past when I thought I would not have a future and life was more spontaneous and not so focused on paying my bills while I grow old.  But I do not let that part of me take over since it is highly unlikely that I will be happy just hanging out for too long before I lose my mind.

What energizes me is a 4 day mini vacation somewhere where you can actually have your dream come true so that you feel like you are not starving for peace and relaxation.  I have to do this not to become burned out and jaded, which will keep me from doing what I am passionate about.

Have you taken a break in the past month that disconnected you from everything? If so, it is probably a good time. I bet you are exhausted by the thought of looking for a job and " redefining " yourself ( those two things can be mentally exhausting for sure and cause anxiety to all of us).  You may want to do this now, recharge, and go back to the world for your job search.

I also find that many of us have egos so attached to what we do or used to do for a living that when we lose it, but lose part of ourselves.  That was the case for me. I do not think I have recovered from that after 16 years of walking away from my career as an engineer. And redefining one's self at 50 may sound like something Madonna can do, but many of us are so stuck in our old habits that this becomes just wishful thinking.

Anyway, sorry for the long email.  I have been feeling pretty much like you do lately.  I have not even written on here much, as some of you may have noticed already.  But this too shall pass, like all we have conquered in the past.  We have our health and many other gifts, but that should not minimize the fact that we feel a certain way even when we tell ourselves that  we " should not. "

Thanks for sharing that email. 

On Thu, Oct 27, 2011 at 8:57 AM, terrierjoe <terrierjoe@...> wrote:

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional.  My health has been pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy.  I do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well.  Overall, I stay pretty active.  What I have been noticing over the last year or so is that I find myself being " mentally exhausted " .  It is hard to describe, but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he had been dealing with this for years.  I work full time (until a recent layoff that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with depression (my sympathies to those in that situation).  I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I have had a pretty great life.  I love my partner, family and friends and have a good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about.  I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television.  I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am more inclined to " cash in my chips " and just blow it all on something (an around-the-world excursion?).  In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to survive.  I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of life and I believe that has a lot to do with it.  I don't know how much " healthy time " I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can?  Why wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings which I worked so hard for? My partner and I " joke " all the time about just packing up and moving to Kauai.  Instinctively, I always dismiss this as impractical.  But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest accomplishments and joys in life.  But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe

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Joe,It sounds to me like you're just burned out. Losing a job and looking for one at this age and in this economy is really difficult and depressing, believe me I know. Also, dealing with the possible health effects of HIV as we age is also stressful, but I also think people who aren't Poz have the same issues. Sounds like you give a lot to others, maybe it's time for a little "Joe" time. Relax, be good to yourself, take a few weeks for yourself, get a massage, make or go for a nice dinner, take some nice walks. Recharge your batteries, so that you can be there for the other people in your life. My 2 cents.My best to you,LarryOn Oct 27, 2011, at 8:57 AM, terrierjoe wrote:

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional. My health has been pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy. I do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well. Overall, I stay pretty active. What I have been noticing over the last year or so is that I find myself being "mentally exhausted". It is hard to describe, but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he had been dealing with this for years. I work full time (until a recent layoff that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with depression (my sympathies to those in that situation). I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I have had a pretty great life. I love my partner, family and friends and have a good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about. I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television. I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am more inclined to "cash in my chips" and just blow it all on something (an around-the-world excursion?). In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to survive. I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of life and I believe that has a lot to do with it. I don't know how much "healthy time" I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can? Why wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings which I worked so hard for? My partner and I "joke" all the time about just packing up and moving to Kauai. Instinctively, I always dismiss this as impractical. But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest accomplishments and joys in life. But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe

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Joe,It sounds to me like you're just burned out. Losing a job and looking for one at this age and in this economy is really difficult and depressing, believe me I know. Also, dealing with the possible health effects of HIV as we age is also stressful, but I also think people who aren't Poz have the same issues. Sounds like you give a lot to others, maybe it's time for a little "Joe" time. Relax, be good to yourself, take a few weeks for yourself, get a massage, make or go for a nice dinner, take some nice walks. Recharge your batteries, so that you can be there for the other people in your life. My 2 cents.My best to you,LarryOn Oct 27, 2011, at 8:57 AM, terrierjoe wrote:

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional. My health has been pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy. I do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well. Overall, I stay pretty active. What I have been noticing over the last year or so is that I find myself being "mentally exhausted". It is hard to describe, but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he had been dealing with this for years. I work full time (until a recent layoff that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with depression (my sympathies to those in that situation). I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I have had a pretty great life. I love my partner, family and friends and have a good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about. I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television. I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am more inclined to "cash in my chips" and just blow it all on something (an around-the-world excursion?). In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to survive. I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of life and I believe that has a lot to do with it. I don't know how much "healthy time" I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can? Why wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings which I worked so hard for? My partner and I "joke" all the time about just packing up and moving to Kauai. Instinctively, I always dismiss this as impractical. But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest accomplishments and joys in life. But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe

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GuysJust a short mail telling you a BIG THANK YOU for your emails.I am also in my mid 50's and have been positive for 24 years.The words you put in your mail made me realize I am not the only one that feels that way.

Just thought you would send you an email to THANK YOU and to have a long healthy and mentally strong life for a very long time.On Fri, Oct 28, 2011 at 12:24 AM, Vergel <Vergel@...> wrote:

 

JoeThanks for a very honest email.

I have felt that way also.  It seems that you are fantasizing like I do sometimes of just walking away from everything and just enjoy life without any responsibilities.  I think part of me still lives in the past when I thought I would not have a future and life was more spontaneous and not so focused on paying my bills while I grow old.  But I do not let that part of me take over since it is highly unlikely that I will be happy just hanging out for too long before I lose my mind.

What energizes me is a 4 day mini vacation somewhere where you can actually have your dream come true so that you feel like you are not starving for peace and relaxation.  I have to do this not to become burned out and jaded, which will keep me from doing what I am passionate about.

Have you taken a break in the past month that disconnected you from everything? If so, it is probably a good time. I bet you are exhausted by the thought of looking for a job and " redefining " yourself ( those two things can be mentally exhausting for sure and cause anxiety to all of us).  You may want to do this now, recharge, and go back to the world for your job search.

I also find that many of us have egos so attached to what we do or used to do for a living that when we lose it, but lose part of ourselves.  That was the case for me. I do not think I have recovered from that after 16 years of walking away from my career as an engineer. And redefining one's self at 50 may sound like something Madonna can do, but many of us are so stuck in our old habits that this becomes just wishful thinking.

Anyway, sorry for the long email.  I have been feeling pretty much like you do lately.  I have not even written on here much, as some of you may have noticed already.  But this too shall pass, like all we have conquered in the past.  We have our health and many other gifts, but that should not minimize the fact that we feel a certain way even when we tell ourselves that  we " should not. "

Thanks for sharing that email. 

On Thu, Oct 27, 2011 at 8:57 AM, terrierjoe <terrierjoe@...> wrote:

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional.  My health has been pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy.  I do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well.  Overall, I stay pretty active.  What I have been noticing over the last year or so is that I find myself being " mentally exhausted " .  It is hard to describe, but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he had been dealing with this for years.  I work full time (until a recent layoff that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with depression (my sympathies to those in that situation).  I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I have had a pretty great life.  I love my partner, family and friends and have a good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about.  I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television.  I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am more inclined to " cash in my chips " and just blow it all on something (an around-the-world excursion?).  In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to survive.  I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of life and I believe that has a lot to do with it.  I don't know how much " healthy time " I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can?  Why wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings which I worked so hard for? My partner and I " joke " all the time about just packing up and moving to Kauai.  Instinctively, I always dismiss this as impractical.  But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest accomplishments and joys in life.  But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe

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GuysJust a short mail telling you a BIG THANK YOU for your emails.I am also in my mid 50's and have been positive for 24 years.The words you put in your mail made me realize I am not the only one that feels that way.

Just thought you would send you an email to THANK YOU and to have a long healthy and mentally strong life for a very long time.On Fri, Oct 28, 2011 at 12:24 AM, Vergel <Vergel@...> wrote:

 

JoeThanks for a very honest email.

I have felt that way also.  It seems that you are fantasizing like I do sometimes of just walking away from everything and just enjoy life without any responsibilities.  I think part of me still lives in the past when I thought I would not have a future and life was more spontaneous and not so focused on paying my bills while I grow old.  But I do not let that part of me take over since it is highly unlikely that I will be happy just hanging out for too long before I lose my mind.

What energizes me is a 4 day mini vacation somewhere where you can actually have your dream come true so that you feel like you are not starving for peace and relaxation.  I have to do this not to become burned out and jaded, which will keep me from doing what I am passionate about.

Have you taken a break in the past month that disconnected you from everything? If so, it is probably a good time. I bet you are exhausted by the thought of looking for a job and " redefining " yourself ( those two things can be mentally exhausting for sure and cause anxiety to all of us).  You may want to do this now, recharge, and go back to the world for your job search.

I also find that many of us have egos so attached to what we do or used to do for a living that when we lose it, but lose part of ourselves.  That was the case for me. I do not think I have recovered from that after 16 years of walking away from my career as an engineer. And redefining one's self at 50 may sound like something Madonna can do, but many of us are so stuck in our old habits that this becomes just wishful thinking.

Anyway, sorry for the long email.  I have been feeling pretty much like you do lately.  I have not even written on here much, as some of you may have noticed already.  But this too shall pass, like all we have conquered in the past.  We have our health and many other gifts, but that should not minimize the fact that we feel a certain way even when we tell ourselves that  we " should not. "

Thanks for sharing that email. 

On Thu, Oct 27, 2011 at 8:57 AM, terrierjoe <terrierjoe@...> wrote:

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional.  My health has been pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy.  I do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well.  Overall, I stay pretty active.  What I have been noticing over the last year or so is that I find myself being " mentally exhausted " .  It is hard to describe, but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he had been dealing with this for years.  I work full time (until a recent layoff that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with depression (my sympathies to those in that situation).  I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I have had a pretty great life.  I love my partner, family and friends and have a good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about.  I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television.  I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am more inclined to " cash in my chips " and just blow it all on something (an around-the-world excursion?).  In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to survive.  I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of life and I believe that has a lot to do with it.  I don't know how much " healthy time " I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can?  Why wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings which I worked so hard for? My partner and I " joke " all the time about just packing up and moving to Kauai.  Instinctively, I always dismiss this as impractical.  But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest accomplishments and joys in life.  But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe

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Yes, Joe, I've been in a similar boat, at least with respect to being a caregiver though likely not to the degree you've been one. Even so, it can become exhausting to take care of others. Sometimes the caregiver needs a break, and other times the caregiver needs some care themselves. You may feel even more obligation to care for your parents now that you're laid off and possibly feeling guilty that all you want to do is lay around and watch TV. Heaven knows that because I don't work my family thinks I have all this time on my hands and surely I can do a couple or ten things for them. Personally speaking, I don't watch daytime TV and not a lot at night either. Try listening to music instead. Find a hobby or something creative to do with your hands. Maybe you can turn a hobby or interest into a source

of money? Get off the couch and outside for a walk while weather is still nice where you live. I agree with the person who suggested taking a short trip somewhere just for a break. Arrange through an agency to have caregivers check on your parents while you're away. You and your partner should plan for a trip to Kauai if visiting there is a dream. You may find you love it and decide to start a life there, albeit a reasonably practical one. Or you may find that a visit is all you need.JoeFrom: terrierjoe <terrierjoe@...> Sent: Thu, October 27, 2011 10:57:07 AMSubject: The challenge of aging

Hello everyone -

As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional. My health has been pretty good, outside of the neuropathy, oral nuisances and the lipoatrophy. I do take care of myself physically, exercising regularly and eating well. Overall, I stay pretty active. What I have been noticing over the last year or so is that I find myself being "mentally exhausted". It is hard to describe, but in conversation with a longtime poz friend, I was surprised to find that he had been dealing with this for years. I work full time (until a recent layoff that has me looking for work and considering a career change - another subject/drama altogether) so it is not as though I am a shut-in dealing with depression (my sympathies to those in that situation). I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and not let HIV dictate my life and as a result I have had a pretty great life. I love

my partner, family and friends and have a good support network so I am not certain of how this whole situation came about. I just find myself wanting nothing more than to lay around and watch television. I have developed serious doubts and questions about the notion of planning for the long term (401k contributions, trying to pay off the mortgage, etc) and am more inclined to "cash in my chips" and just blow it all on something (an around-the-world excursion?). In essence, I seem to have lost my drive to survive. I have to admit that I never expected to be alive at this stage of life and I believe that has a lot to do with it. I don't know how much "healthy time" I have left and shouldn't I try to make the most of it while I can? Why wait until I get sick and let the healthcare system take all my life savings which I worked so hard for? My partner and I "joke" all the time about just packing up and moving to Kauai. Instinctively, I always dismiss

this as impractical. But is it really?

I have always been a caregiver and felt as though my calling in life was to take care of others; the well-being of my partner, aging parents and friends is of the most importance to me. It has been the source of some of my greatest accomplishments and joys in life. But now I just feel exhausted by it all.

Anyone else in a similar boat?

Joe

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Well, it doesn’t

sound to me like you have lost your drive to survive. To me, it sounds more like you are weary to

your bones from decades of the rat race and drinking the cultural Kool-Aid.

Like many , you probably

haven’t had a day off since the third grade that didn’t cause you

to feel some guilt about not being

productive. Obviously I am exaggerating,

but you get the idea.

This could be as organic as

a bowel movement. If cirucumstances are

conspiring to give you some time to chill, I say, you have earned it.

At 50 with hiv, just for

arguments sake, let’s say you have 20 years to live. 19 of them healthy. ( I am 57yo ). I vote for Kauai.

Phil

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"As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I> find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional. "We went through so much, we defined ourselves as activists, and it worked. When you're struggling to survive, you don't really focus on the point of survival. Now that we're here, we need to find a new purpose, and it's not easy.......(personally, I find Madonna's attempts to reinvent herself a bit tiresome. It doesn't look good for me to desperately chase 25 year olds and hang out in clubs, and it's no better for her).I find that 50 has mean changes. My favorite saying of late is "The gods do not show us all of their gifts at once." There is a richness to a lifetime of experiences, and some experiences that I've let go. I'm enjoying my family more, old friends, too. I've been able to resurrect a portion of my career.And yet, sometimes I look at my house and my "stuff" and think, "Why not move?" Start anew. Go to SF, back to France. And as I write this, I find myself asking you, if you want to go to Hawaii, what's stopping you? Maybe it's time for a fresh start, an new life? At 50, there's still time to dream, still time for a fresh start. There's no time to waste, though.JB

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I've enjoyed this thread and find a lot of insight in the original post and

responses.

Joe, I relate to your pain. I'm raidly approaching 50 and I have struggled with

fatigue, mild to moderate depression (and more recently anxiety) and general

malaise.

On the other hand, I've lived way beyond my expectations (I've been poz nearly

25 years and didn't originally expect to survive more than 2.)

A couple of years ago I realized I had lost the balance in my life. I made a

few decisions. First, although my work as an advocate in HIV is very important

to me, it isn't all of me. So I made radical cuts in my involvement in the

short time and moderate ones in the long term, picking and choosing what has a

balanced payoff vs. investment. Second, I began to actively pursue other

interests. I began working on my " bucket " list. Nothing on my list is as

dramatic as moving to Hawaii, but I'm spending much more time outdoors, more

time reading books, more time having fun. I decided that I needed to put

intention into more variety - so even though I like doing something I might

consciously move it to an " every other year / opportunity " list (this worked for

my volunteer and professional commitments too.)

Interestingly, the approach of 50 has had a different effect. I am now giving

attention to planning for long term survival that I've ignored nearly a quarter

century. There is a lot to think about. Like many folks, my income will

decline dramatically at 65. Should I think about that? Do I believe I will

survive that long? How will I pay my bills. While I'm conflicted, I'm not

afraid to think about these things, and I have some time to do so.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Consciously seek out fun.

mark

Mark Hubbard

Nashville TN

>

> So true! Steve Jobs in a prophetic way couldn't have put it more eloquently in

his 2005 Stanford speech:

>

> " Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever

encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything

†" all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -

these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly

important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid

the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is

no reason not to follow your heart. " Steve Jobs 

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: J Barrowster <barrowster@...>

>

> Sent: Saturday, October 29, 2011 9:19 AM

> Subject: Re: The challenge of aging

>

>

>  

> " As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I

> > find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional.  "

>

>

>

>

> We went through so much, we defined ourselves as activists, and it worked.  

When you're struggling to survive, you don't really focus on the point of

survival.  Now that we're here, we need to find a new purpose, and it's not

easy.......(personally, I find Madonna's attempts to reinvent herself a bit

tiresome.  It doesn't look good for me to desperately chase 25 year olds and

hang out in clubs,  and it's no better for her).

>

> I find that 50 has mean changes.    My favorite saying of late is " The gods

do not show us all of their gifts at once. "   There is a richness to a lifetime

of experiences, and some experiences that I've let go.  I'm enjoying my family

more, old friends, too.  I've been able to resurrect a portion of my career.

>

> And yet, sometimes I look at my house and my " stuff " and think, " Why not

move? "   Start anew.  Go to SF, back to France.   

>

> And as I write this, I find myself asking you, if you want to go to Hawaii,

what's stopping you?  Maybe it's time for a fresh start, an new life?  At 50,

there's still time to dream, still time for a fresh start.   There's no time to

waste, though.

>

> JB

>

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I wrote a blog article a few months ago to express what many are telling me around the country. I wish we formed a group for those of us who want to talk about the non medical issues related to aging, finances, and relationships. http://www.thebody.com/content/art60472.html

On Sat, Nov 5, 2011 at 11:59 AM, mark_h_hubbard <mhubbard@...> wrote:

I've enjoyed this thread and find a lot of insight in the original post and responses.

Joe, I relate to your pain.  I'm raidly approaching 50 and I have struggled with fatigue, mild to moderate depression (and more recently anxiety) and general malaise.

On the other hand, I've lived way beyond my expectations (I've been poz nearly 25 years and didn't originally expect to survive more than 2.)

A couple of years ago I realized I had lost the balance in my life.  I made a few decisions.  First, although my work as an advocate in HIV is very important to me, it isn't all of me.  So I made radical cuts in my involvement in the short time and moderate ones in the long term, picking and choosing what has a balanced payoff vs. investment.  Second, I began to actively pursue other interests.  I began working on my " bucket " list.  Nothing on my list is as dramatic as moving to Hawaii, but I'm spending much more time outdoors, more time reading books, more time having fun.  I decided that I needed to put intention into more variety - so even though I like doing something I might consciously move it to an " every other year / opportunity " list (this worked for my volunteer and professional commitments too.)

Interestingly, the approach of 50 has had a different effect.  I am now giving attention to planning for long term survival that I've ignored nearly a quarter century.  There is a lot to think about.  Like many folks, my income will decline dramatically at 65.  Should I think about that?  Do I believe I will survive that long?  How will I pay my bills.  While I'm conflicted, I'm not afraid to think about these things, and I have some time to do so.

Hang in there.  Take care of yourself.  Consciously seek out fun.

mark

Mark Hubbard

Nashville TN

>

> So true! Steve Jobs in a prophetic way couldn't have put it more eloquently in his 2005 Stanford speech:

>

> " Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything †" all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. " Steve Jobs 

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: J Barrowster <barrowster@...>

>

> Sent: Saturday, October 29, 2011 9:19 AM

> Subject: Re: The challenge of aging

>

>

>  

> " As I close in on the 50 y/o life marker, 20 of which I have been poz, I

> > find my greatest challenges being psychological and emotional.  "

>

>

>

>

> We went through so much, we defined ourselves as activists, and it worked.   When you're struggling to survive, you don't really focus on the point of survival.  Now that we're here, we need to find a new purpose, and it's not easy.......(personally, I find Madonna's attempts to reinvent herself a bit tiresome.  It doesn't look good for me to desperately chase 25 year olds and hang out in clubs,  and it's no better for her).

>

> I find that 50 has mean changes.    My favorite saying of late is " The gods do not show us all of their gifts at once. "   There is a richness to a lifetime of experiences, and some experiences that I've let go.  I'm enjoying my family more, old friends, too.  I've been able to resurrect a portion of my career.

>

> And yet, sometimes I look at my house and my " stuff " and think, " Why not move? "   Start anew.  Go to SF, back to France.   

>

> And as I write this, I find myself asking you, if you want to go to Hawaii, what's stopping you?  Maybe it's time for a fresh start, an new life?  At 50, there's still time to dream, still time for a fresh start.   There's no time to waste, though.

>

> JB

>

------------------------------------

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