Hi ... I'm New

May 9, 2009

Hi. My name is Becki and I'm 35 years old. I started listening to 's

podcast a month or two ago. I've been keeping a success journal for about two

weeks. I've been overweight for most of my life with a brief respite in high

school thanks to starvation and compulsive exercise. Food has been my best

friend and my worst enemy since I can remember. I recently lost 80 pounds;

however, I still had over one hundred to go. But once people started noticing,

I became very uncomfortable with the attention. I've started gaining some back,

but I have successfully kept off 40 pounds for more than 2 years. I know now

that it takes more than a good diet and a good exercise program to get to my

ideal weight. I love healthy food and I love to exercise. So obviously there's

another piece to the puzzle or I wouldn't be this overweight. I'm so sick of

this issue controlling my life and I want to be over it already.

I've recently had a breakthrough. A big part of my problem stems from the fact

that I DO NOT find myself acceptable like this. I don't think that I have loved

myself since I was very young. Apparently, I have a huge problem with

self-acceptance. Even though I know I could be extraordinary, I'm not living up

to my potential. And now I realize that my belief that I'm not acceptable is a

large part of what is holding me back. The idea of self-love really hit me

between the eyes. Loving myself unconditionally? It is such a foreign concept

to me. Could I really feel the same way about myself as I feel about my stepson

or my dog? Unbelievable!

So where did this self-contempt come from? My parents tried everything they

could to get me to lose weight when I was a child. They took me to doctors and

read every book they could find on the subject. I wasn't that heavy … maybe 5

or 10 lbs overweight … but it was a HUGE issue in our family. They didn't

understand why I had a weight problem and my brother did not. They tried

shaming me. We went on family diets (with special treats for my brother, of

course, because he was " normal " ) and family exercise programs. I was required

to do 50 situps and 20 pushups before bed every night. By the time I got to

high school, I finally got my weight under control. But I wasn't healthy. I

wouldn't eat for days. If I ate something bad, I would go in my bedroom and do

jumping jacks until I didn't feel guilty anymore.

My father told me when I was about 10 that I had no business worrying about my

hair or my clothes until I was the correct weight. I guess he was doing it out

of love, or out of a compulsion to have perfect children. But that comment has

haunted me.

But despite all this, I'm hopeful that this time all the pieces will fall into

place.

May 10, 2009

Hi Becki

Thanks for sharing this. I have been feeling a lot of anger for the past couple

of months because I have finally realized that I wasn't an obese child despite

being put on WW at the age of 8. And all the little comments from that age on

about how I would be so beautiful if only I were thinner really didn't help.

They just fed the belief that I was overweight and would always be overweight.

I have been listening to the podcasts since January and going to the gym since

March. Slowly I have lost 11.5 lbs. Not great strides in weight loss but huge

strides in me. I feel better, I think better. I recently did a guided exercise

with my massage therapist to get through some of the anger and it really helped.

He also did some belly massage. Interesting. I wouldn't have tried it accept

it was to help release anger.

I truly feel like the podcasts have saved me from the old me. Will I lose this

weight overnight - hec no. I have 130 more pounds to lose. I will however get

to my goal because I have the podcasts to help guide me along the way.

I know you can do it too. There is great support here on the boards. I read

them everyday. Everyone is willing to give great advice.

Love yourself.

Maine

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> Hi. My name is Becki and I'm 35 years old. I started listening to 's