Guest guest Posted July 14, 2010 Report Share Posted July 14, 2010 Welcome, Deedee! You're welcome to all the encouragement we can give, in fact. I definitely don't want to boss you around, and I tend to have more questions than suggestions... Two things in your post really jumped out at me: " In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like I want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. " Ah, invisibility. I know that one well. Sometimes I want to be seen--I'll wear bold colors, or only black, or an unusual combination of styles. Most of the time I want to blend in--more or less current-cut jeans, more or less seasonal color top. Sometimes I want to be completely invisible. Those are the times I find myself wearing something that's too loose, too long for the weather, too... boring. You know, it's a lot easier to make these changes in my... visibility level... by changing clothes rather than changing weight. :-) Maybe if you reassure yourself that you can have an invisibility wardrobe to act as your armor, the part of you that needs protection will feel better.... (Later you can work on wearing whatever makes you feel Authentically You, instead of just feeling safe. But first things first....) " However it seems the happier I am, the less I care about taking care of myself. " Hmmm. And yet it sounded like you were pretty happy when you were in your vegan phase... Or do " amazing, strong, and in control " not feel the same as happy? When you were young, you were in a family that enabled overeating and under-exercising. When you were with a partner who had body image issues, you joined a gym together. And had weight issues together. You found yourself here when faced with the thought of taking care of a niece--at least in the sense of providing a role model. I'm not sure why it's the phrase " taking care of " , and the thought of who's responsible for it, that keeps echoing in my mind. I may be going waaaaaay overboard with my " I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on the 'Net " habit.... But bear with me. When you were alone, you took care of yourself. Now that you're in a relationship, you say you don't want to take care of yourself... Do you want someone else to take care of you? Tell you what and how to eat? I can remember some times in my mid-thirties when I realized I definitely wanted someone else to take care of things... I didn't like the idea that I was actually a grown-up ( " almost 35 - eeek " ). Am I way off base here, or is there something to work with? ________________________________ From: Deedee Horton <joesydee2@...> weightloss Sent: Wed, July 14, 2010 5:07:39 AM Subject: Newbie - LONG! Hello everyone.... I'm not so much a newbie, really as a re-newbie. I've been a member for ages, but just recently started reading the emails with any kind of regularity. My name is Deedee, I'm 34 (almost 35 - eeek), and I teach 3rd grade in North Texas. Like many of you, my battle with my weight and with food has been a lifelong battle. I've reached a crisis point and have started relistening to IOWL from the prologue after probably over a year of not listening at all. I'm also about to delve into my long lifestory, so please bear with me! I've always been overweight, and am the product of two overweight parents. My younger sister also struggles with her weight and is literally going to the hospital as I type this to have her first child. She and I are extremely close, and we're both very close to our parents. I've observed outloud several times before that the four of us enable each other with our unhealthy eating habits. Obviously, my sister is concerned about these habits affecting her daughter and I definitely don't want to contribute to her living a life of obesity and an obsession with food. Meanwhile, both of my parents are diabetic and have high blood pressure. My father had a leg amputated 5 years ago due to his diabetes, has suffered a heart attack, a small stroke, and has had the big toe on his other foot amputated in the time since then all due to his weight. You would think that would be enough scare the bejesus out of all four of us and make us get our acts together, but no. We continue to enable one another, make poor food choices, and fail to exercise regularly. So, now to my own ups and downs (figuratively and literally) with my weight. I remember being a kid, in third grade specifically, and feeling “different†because I knew I was bigger than the other kids. I don’t remember knowing what it was in particular that made me feel different, but I remember not feeling as pretty as the other girls, as truth be told, I was a cute kid and even now consider myself cute and pretty (but cute and pretty for a fat chick – which is horrible thing to think, but all the same, the thought is always there).  My parents had decided once to go on a diet and I got really jealous and wanted to go on this diet with them and eat the “special†food they had bought. This was back in the 80s when Weight Watchers frozen meals were just becoming popular. Fast forward to high school…I was teased about my weight and I was maybe 20 pounds heavier than I should have been, which seems like small change to me now. I was even what I would now term, sexually harassed, on different occasions, though I didn’t have the terminology for it then. I assumed at the time and still do now that it was because I was bigger than the other girls. I was humiliated by at least 2 different male classmates at two different times in my high school career. Lewd comments and touching in front of classrooms full of students. In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like I want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. I unsuccessfully attempted relationships with guys, always feeling weird and after years of crushes on other girls, finally came out to myself, my family, and friends. In college I managed to lose a good chunk of weight getting down from 285 pounds to about 210 at one point. Then I met my first girlfriend. All attempts at weight loss stalled. I was happy! I was in love, I didn’t care about losing weight anymore. Just as long as I didn’t gain it all back. After a year of dating, we moved in together and I had already gotten back up to about 265. She was much smaller, but she had her own psychosis about her weight and she had body image issues and we joined the gym together, joined Weight Watchers together, etc. I would lose a little weight, then gain it all back and then some. Within 5 years, I had gotten up to 336 lbs. Well, long story short, we’d decided to move back in with our own parents for a spell to save money. During this time, I got my teaching certificate and started teaching. My first year, I felt ready to tackle the weight and did really well for two years. I was consistently working out and eating well and got down to about 250, give or take 10 lbs here and there. Meanwhile, after almost 10 years together, we broke up and I had a string of other very unsuccessful, very unhappy, very unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. Well, as part of my “recovery†from all of this (particularly 2 relationships which affected me greatly immediately following my 10 year relationship), I started working out very consistently. I even went completely vegan and off sugar and caffeine as an experiment in February of 2009. I got to my lowest weight in years, which was just over 240 lbs. I felt amazing. I felt strong and in control. Well, as a result of the “experiment†I told myself I would go to such and such a date, then take the weekend off and relax my eating regimen a bit. That weekend I got sick with strep throat and lost my voice completely for two weeks. Then I got back ontrack and shortly thereafter, herniated two discs in my lower back and dealt with mindblowingly painful sciatic for well over 6 months. I’m still suffering from it, but am able to actually function and have pulled myself out of the depression I sunk into as a result of the injury. So, now…here I am…a year and a half later. I gained about 40 lbs in what I affectionately refer to as my sciatica weight, plus more since I’ve started to recover. I had another failed and miserable relationship, but about 3 months ago, I met my dream girl. She is everything I could possibly want or need and more. We met online and will be meeting in person in just over 3 weeks (she lives in Ireland). She is completely supportive of my weight loss effort attempts, but tells me she loves me exactly as I am. We’re constantly on the webcam, so there is no secret as to what I look like. So, that part is fantastic. However it seems the happier I am, the less I care about taking care of myself. So now I find myself back up to over 290 lbs. I am so frighteningly close to the 300 lb mark that I feel paralyzed. I’m terrified of getting on the plane and having to ask for a seatbelt extension again. I haven’t flown in 3 years and the last time I was on the lower end of my weight spectrum. And of course, all my clothes are far too tight and uncomfortable and unflattering, because for months I’ve refused to buy bigger sizes, knowing I would get my weight back down. However, months have passed and my weight is just going up and the clothes are busting at the seams. So now I’m just trying to not beat myself up, listen to the podcasts, do some soul searching, and actually buy clothes that fit. I’m struggling with getting myself to move and with getting myself to make good food choices. But I guess I’m some semblance of the right track, because here I am. I’m forcing myself to think about these things when normally I would just crawl into my bed and hideaway. Thanks for reading. Any encouragement, suggestion, advice, or general bossing around is more than welcome. J Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2010 Report Share Posted July 14, 2010 Welcome, Deedee! You're welcome to all the encouragement we can give, in fact. I definitely don't want to boss you around, and I tend to have more questions than suggestions... Two things in your post really jumped out at me: " In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like I want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. " Ah, invisibility. I know that one well. Sometimes I want to be seen--I'll wear bold colors, or only black, or an unusual combination of styles. Most of the time I want to blend in--more or less current-cut jeans, more or less seasonal color top. Sometimes I want to be completely invisible. Those are the times I find myself wearing something that's too loose, too long for the weather, too... boring. You know, it's a lot easier to make these changes in my... visibility level... by changing clothes rather than changing weight. :-) Maybe if you reassure yourself that you can have an invisibility wardrobe to act as your armor, the part of you that needs protection will feel better.... (Later you can work on wearing whatever makes you feel Authentically You, instead of just feeling safe. But first things first....) " However it seems the happier I am, the less I care about taking care of myself. " Hmmm. And yet it sounded like you were pretty happy when you were in your vegan phase... Or do " amazing, strong, and in control " not feel the same as happy? When you were young, you were in a family that enabled overeating and under-exercising. When you were with a partner who had body image issues, you joined a gym together. And had weight issues together. You found yourself here when faced with the thought of taking care of a niece--at least in the sense of providing a role model. I'm not sure why it's the phrase " taking care of " , and the thought of who's responsible for it, that keeps echoing in my mind. I may be going waaaaaay overboard with my " I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on the 'Net " habit.... But bear with me. When you were alone, you took care of yourself. Now that you're in a relationship, you say you don't want to take care of yourself... Do you want someone else to take care of you? Tell you what and how to eat? I can remember some times in my mid-thirties when I realized I definitely wanted someone else to take care of things... I didn't like the idea that I was actually a grown-up ( " almost 35 - eeek " ). Am I way off base here, or is there something to work with? ________________________________ From: Deedee Horton <joesydee2@...> weightloss Sent: Wed, July 14, 2010 5:07:39 AM Subject: Newbie - LONG! Hello everyone.... I'm not so much a newbie, really as a re-newbie. I've been a member for ages, but just recently started reading the emails with any kind of regularity. My name is Deedee, I'm 34 (almost 35 - eeek), and I teach 3rd grade in North Texas. Like many of you, my battle with my weight and with food has been a lifelong battle. I've reached a crisis point and have started relistening to IOWL from the prologue after probably over a year of not listening at all. I'm also about to delve into my long lifestory, so please bear with me! I've always been overweight, and am the product of two overweight parents. My younger sister also struggles with her weight and is literally going to the hospital as I type this to have her first child. She and I are extremely close, and we're both very close to our parents. I've observed outloud several times before that the four of us enable each other with our unhealthy eating habits. Obviously, my sister is concerned about these habits affecting her daughter and I definitely don't want to contribute to her living a life of obesity and an obsession with food. Meanwhile, both of my parents are diabetic and have high blood pressure. My father had a leg amputated 5 years ago due to his diabetes, has suffered a heart attack, a small stroke, and has had the big toe on his other foot amputated in the time since then all due to his weight. You would think that would be enough scare the bejesus out of all four of us and make us get our acts together, but no. We continue to enable one another, make poor food choices, and fail to exercise regularly. So, now to my own ups and downs (figuratively and literally) with my weight. I remember being a kid, in third grade specifically, and feeling “different†because I knew I was bigger than the other kids. I don’t remember knowing what it was in particular that made me feel different, but I remember not feeling as pretty as the other girls, as truth be told, I was a cute kid and even now consider myself cute and pretty (but cute and pretty for a fat chick – which is horrible thing to think, but all the same, the thought is always there).  My parents had decided once to go on a diet and I got really jealous and wanted to go on this diet with them and eat the “special†food they had bought. This was back in the 80s when Weight Watchers frozen meals were just becoming popular. Fast forward to high school…I was teased about my weight and I was maybe 20 pounds heavier than I should have been, which seems like small change to me now. I was even what I would now term, sexually harassed, on different occasions, though I didn’t have the terminology for it then. I assumed at the time and still do now that it was because I was bigger than the other girls. I was humiliated by at least 2 different male classmates at two different times in my high school career. Lewd comments and touching in front of classrooms full of students. In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like I want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. I unsuccessfully attempted relationships with guys, always feeling weird and after years of crushes on other girls, finally came out to myself, my family, and friends. In college I managed to lose a good chunk of weight getting down from 285 pounds to about 210 at one point. Then I met my first girlfriend. All attempts at weight loss stalled. I was happy! I was in love, I didn’t care about losing weight anymore. Just as long as I didn’t gain it all back. After a year of dating, we moved in together and I had already gotten back up to about 265. She was much smaller, but she had her own psychosis about her weight and she had body image issues and we joined the gym together, joined Weight Watchers together, etc. I would lose a little weight, then gain it all back and then some. Within 5 years, I had gotten up to 336 lbs. Well, long story short, we’d decided to move back in with our own parents for a spell to save money. During this time, I got my teaching certificate and started teaching. My first year, I felt ready to tackle the weight and did really well for two years. I was consistently working out and eating well and got down to about 250, give or take 10 lbs here and there. Meanwhile, after almost 10 years together, we broke up and I had a string of other very unsuccessful, very unhappy, very unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. Well, as part of my “recovery†from all of this (particularly 2 relationships which affected me greatly immediately following my 10 year relationship), I started working out very consistently. I even went completely vegan and off sugar and caffeine as an experiment in February of 2009. I got to my lowest weight in years, which was just over 240 lbs. I felt amazing. I felt strong and in control. Well, as a result of the “experiment†I told myself I would go to such and such a date, then take the weekend off and relax my eating regimen a bit. That weekend I got sick with strep throat and lost my voice completely for two weeks. Then I got back ontrack and shortly thereafter, herniated two discs in my lower back and dealt with mindblowingly painful sciatic for well over 6 months. I’m still suffering from it, but am able to actually function and have pulled myself out of the depression I sunk into as a result of the injury. So, now…here I am…a year and a half later. I gained about 40 lbs in what I affectionately refer to as my sciatica weight, plus more since I’ve started to recover. I had another failed and miserable relationship, but about 3 months ago, I met my dream girl. She is everything I could possibly want or need and more. We met online and will be meeting in person in just over 3 weeks (she lives in Ireland). She is completely supportive of my weight loss effort attempts, but tells me she loves me exactly as I am. We’re constantly on the webcam, so there is no secret as to what I look like. So, that part is fantastic. However it seems the happier I am, the less I care about taking care of myself. So now I find myself back up to over 290 lbs. I am so frighteningly close to the 300 lb mark that I feel paralyzed. I’m terrified of getting on the plane and having to ask for a seatbelt extension again. I haven’t flown in 3 years and the last time I was on the lower end of my weight spectrum. And of course, all my clothes are far too tight and uncomfortable and unflattering, because for months I’ve refused to buy bigger sizes, knowing I would get my weight back down. However, months have passed and my weight is just going up and the clothes are busting at the seams. So now I’m just trying to not beat myself up, listen to the podcasts, do some soul searching, and actually buy clothes that fit. I’m struggling with getting myself to move and with getting myself to make good food choices. But I guess I’m some semblance of the right track, because here I am. I’m forcing myself to think about these things when normally I would just crawl into my bed and hideaway. Thanks for reading. Any encouragement, suggestion, advice, or general bossing around is more than welcome. J Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2010 Report Share Posted July 14, 2010 Deedee....Even though you have had your share of tough times you sound so positive! All I can say is baby steps. One day at a time. Plan out what you will do today or tomorrow and take it from there. What will you eat tomorrow? What kind of exercise could you fit in? Which clothes will you wear that will make you feel good? Will you maybe use a bit of make-up?  Welcome to our group. We have all had our fair share with weight struggles and are each trying to deal with this in our own unique ways with a lot of help from and from each other. For sure, we all know how you feel. I for one have lost weight and gained again and know how frustrating it can be. Very happy to have you here!  From: <lsageev@...> Subject: Re: Newbie - LONG! weightloss Date: Wednesday, July 14, 2010, 4:47 PM  Welcome, Deedee! You're welcome to all the encouragement we can give, in fact. I definitely don't want to boss you around, and I tend to have more questions than suggestions... Two things in your post really jumped out at me: " In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like I want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. " Ah, invisibility. I know that one well. Sometimes I want to be seen--I'll wear bold colors, or only black, or an unusual combination of styles. Most of the time I want to blend in--more or less current-cut jeans, more or less seasonal color top. Sometimes I want to be completely invisible. Those are the times I find myself wearing something that's too loose, too long for the weather, too... boring. You know, it's a lot easier to make these changes in my... visibility level... by changing clothes rather than changing weight. :-) Maybe if you reassure yourself that you can have an invisibility wardrobe to act as your armor, the part of you that needs protection will feel better.... (Later you can work on wearing whatever makes you feel Authentically You, instead of just feeling safe. But first things first....) " However it seems the happier I am, the less I care about taking care of myself. " Hmmm. And yet it sounded like you were pretty happy when you were in your vegan phase... Or do " amazing, strong, and in control " not feel the same as happy? When you were young, you were in a family that enabled overeating and under-exercising. When you were with a partner who had body image issues, you joined a gym together. And had weight issues together. You found yourself here when faced with the thought of taking care of a niece--at least in the sense of providing a role model. I'm not sure why it's the phrase " taking care of " , and the thought of who's responsible for it, that keeps echoing in my mind. I may be going waaaaaay overboard with my " I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on the 'Net " habit.... But bear with me. When you were alone, you took care of yourself. Now that you're in a relationship, you say you don't want to take care of yourself... Do you want someone else to take care of you? Tell you what and how to eat? I can remember some times in my mid-thirties when I realized I definitely wanted someone else to take care of things... I didn't like the idea that I was actually a grown-up ( " almost 35 - eeek " ). Am I way off base here, or is there something to work with? ________________________________ From: Deedee Horton <joesydee2@...> weightloss Sent: Wed, July 14, 2010 5:07:39 AM Subject: Newbie - LONG! Hello everyone.... I'm not so much a newbie, really as a re-newbie. I've been a member for ages, but just recently started reading the emails with any kind of regularity. My name is Deedee, I'm 34 (almost 35 - eeek), and I teach 3rd grade in North Texas. Like many of you, my battle with my weight and with food has been a lifelong battle. I've reached a crisis point and have started relistening to IOWL from the prologue after probably over a year of not listening at all. I'm also about to delve into my long lifestory, so please bear with me! I've always been overweight, and am the product of two overweight parents. My younger sister also struggles with her weight and is literally going to the hospital as I type this to have her first child. She and I are extremely close, and we're both very close to our parents. I've observed outloud several times before that the four of us enable each other with our unhealthy eating habits. Obviously, my sister is concerned about these habits affecting her daughter and I definitely don't want to contribute to her living a life of obesity and an obsession with food. Meanwhile, both of my parents are diabetic and have high blood pressure. My father had a leg amputated 5 years ago due to his diabetes, has suffered a heart attack, a small stroke, and has had the big toe on his other foot amputated in the time since then all due to his weight. You would think that would be enough scare the bejesus out of all four of us and make us get our acts together, but no. We continue to enable one another, make poor food choices, and fail to exercise regularly. So, now to my own ups and downs (figuratively and literally) with my weight. I remember being a kid, in third grade specifically, and feeling “different†because I knew I was bigger than the other kids. I don’t remember knowing what it was in particular that made me feel different, but I remember not feeling as pretty as the other girls, as truth be told, I was a cute kid and even now consider myself cute and pretty (but cute and pretty for a fat chick – which is horrible thing to think, but all the same, the thought is always there).  My parents had decided once to go on a diet and I got really jealous and wanted to go on this diet with them and eat the “special†food they had bought. This was back in the 80s when Weight Watchers frozen meals were just becoming popular. Fast forward to high school…I was teased about my weight and I was maybe 20 pounds heavier than I should have been, which seems like small change to me now. I was even what I would now term, sexually harassed, on different occasions, though I didn’t have the terminology for it then. I assumed at the time and still do now that it was because I was bigger than the other girls. I was humiliated by at least 2 different male classmates at two different times in my high school career. Lewd comments and touching in front of classrooms full of students. In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like I want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. I unsuccessfully attempted relationships with guys, always feeling weird and after years of crushes on other girls, finally came out to myself, my family, and friends. In college I managed to lose a good chunk of weight getting down from 285 pounds to about 210 at one point. Then I met my first girlfriend. All attempts at weight loss stalled. I was happy! I was in love, I didn’t care about losing weight anymore. Just as long as I didn’t gain it all back. After a year of dating, we moved in together and I had already gotten back up to about 265. She was much smaller, but she had her own psychosis about her weight and she had body image issues and we joined the gym together, joined Weight Watchers together, etc. I would lose a little weight, then gain it all back and then some. Within 5 years, I had gotten up to 336 lbs. Well, long story short, we’d decided to move back in with our own parents for a spell to save money. During this time, I got my teaching certificate and started teaching. My first year, I felt ready to tackle the weight and did really well for two years. I was consistently working out and eating well and got down to about 250, give or take 10 lbs here and there. Meanwhile, after almost 10 years together, we broke up and I had a string of other very unsuccessful, very unhappy, very unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. Well, as part of my “recovery†from all of this (particularly 2 relationships which affected me greatly immediately following my 10 year relationship), I started working out very consistently. I even went completely vegan and off sugar and caffeine as an experiment in February of 2009. I got to my lowest weight in years, which was just over 240 lbs. I felt amazing. I felt strong and in control. Well, as a result of the “experiment†I told myself I would go to such and such a date, then take the weekend off and relax my eating regimen a bit. That weekend I got sick with strep throat and lost my voice completely for two weeks. Then I got back ontrack and shortly thereafter, herniated two discs in my lower back and dealt with mindblowingly painful sciatic for well over 6 months. I’m still suffering from it, but am able to actually function and have pulled myself out of the depression I sunk into as a result of the injury. So, now…here I am…a year and a half later. I gained about 40 lbs in what I affectionately refer to as my sciatica weight, plus more since I’ve started to recover. I had another failed and miserable relationship, but about 3 months ago, I met my dream girl. She is everything I could possibly want or need and more. We met online and will be meeting in person in just over 3 weeks (she lives in Ireland). She is completely supportive of my weight loss effort attempts, but tells me she loves me exactly as I am. We’re constantly on the webcam, so there is no secret as to what I look like. So, that part is fantastic. However it seems the happier I am, the less I care about taking care of myself. So now I find myself back up to over 290 lbs. I am so frighteningly close to the 300 lb mark that I feel paralyzed. I’m terrified of getting on the plane and having to ask for a seatbelt extension again. I haven’t flown in 3 years and the last time I was on the lower end of my weight spectrum. And of course, all my clothes are far too tight and uncomfortable and unflattering, because for months I’ve refused to buy bigger sizes, knowing I would get my weight back down. However, months have passed and my weight is just going up and the clothes are busting at the seams. So now I’m just trying to not beat myself up, listen to the podcasts, do some soul searching, and actually buy clothes that fit. I’m struggling with getting myself to move and with getting myself to make good food choices. But I guess I’m some semblance of the right track, because here I am. I’m forcing myself to think about these things when normally I would just crawl into my bed and hideaway. Thanks for reading. Any encouragement, suggestion, advice, or general bossing around is more than welcome. J Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2010 Report Share Posted July 17, 2010 Thanks and for the encouragement! I've been immersed in newborn baby goodness with my niece, so I'm just now getting a chance to reply. I was at the hospital with my sister pretty much nonstop from Wednesday to Friday and we just got mommy and baby back to my parents' house yesterday. , I really appreciate your insights. Having an invisibility wardrobe is a good idea. I'll have to try this out and see how it works for me. Anyway, I pretty much threw everything I was relearning out the window during the hospital stay, but today I got up and going with new resolve. I made smarter choices, though I didn't obsessively track my food consumption like I normally would. And I went for a little 30 minute walk outside today while I listened to episode 9 of IOWL. Meanwhile, I shall keep on chugging along, reading the group's emails, relistening to the podcasts, and making healthier choices. Deedee On Wed, Jul 14, 2010 at 7:03 AM, e v <evergos@...> wrote: > > > Deedee....Even though you have had your share of tough times you sound so > positive! > All I can say is baby steps. One day at a time. Plan out what you will do > today or tomorrow and take it from there. What will you eat tomorrow? What > kind of exercise could you fit in? Which clothes will you wear that will > make you feel good? Will you maybe use a bit of make-up? > > Welcome to our group. We have all had our fair share with weight struggles > and are each trying to deal with this in our own unique ways with a lot of > help from and from each other. For sure, we all know how you feel. I > for one have lost weight and gained again and know how frustrating it can > be. Very happy to have you here! > > > > > > From: <lsageev@... <lsageev%40>> > Subject: Re: Newbie - LONG! > weightloss <weightloss%40> > Date: Wednesday, July 14, 2010, 4:47 PM > > > > > Welcome, Deedee! > > You're welcome to all the encouragement we can give, in fact. I definitely > don't > want to boss you around, and I tend to have more questions than > suggestions... > > Two things in your post really jumped out at me: > > " In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel > like I > want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too > closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me > because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people > from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. " > > Ah, invisibility. I know that one well. Sometimes I want to be seen--I'll > wear > bold colors, or only black, or an unusual combination of styles. Most of > the > time I want to blend in--more or less current-cut jeans, more or less > seasonal > color top. Sometimes I want to be completely invisible. Those are the times > I > find myself wearing something that's too loose, too long for the weather, > too... > boring. > > You know, it's a lot easier to make these changes in my... visibility > level... > by changing clothes rather than changing weight. :-) Maybe if you reassure > yourself that you can have an invisibility wardrobe to act as your armor, > the > part of you that needs protection will feel better.... (Later you can work > on > wearing whatever makes you feel Authentically You, instead of just feeling > safe. > But first things first....) > > " However it seems the happier I am, the less I care > about taking care of myself. " > > Hmmm. And yet it sounded like you were pretty happy when you were in your > vegan > phase... Or do " amazing, strong, and in control " not feel the same as > happy? > > When you were young, you were in a family that enabled overeating and > under-exercising. > > When you were with a partner who had body image issues, you joined a gym > together. And had weight issues together. > > You found yourself here when faced with the thought of taking care of a > niece--at least in the sense of providing a role model. > > I'm not sure why it's the phrase " taking care of " , and the thought of who's > > responsible for it, that keeps echoing in my mind. I may be going waaaaaay > overboard with my " I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on the 'Net " > habit.... > But bear with me. > > When you were alone, you took care of yourself. Now that you're in a > relationship, you say you don't want to take care of yourself... Do you > want > someone else to take care of you? Tell you what and how to eat? I can > remember > some times in my mid-thirties when I realized I definitely wanted someone > else > to take care of things... I didn't like the idea that I was actually a > grown-up > ( " almost 35 - eeek " ). > > Am I way off base here, or is there something to work with? > > > > ________________________________ > From: Deedee Horton <joesydee2@... <joesydee2%40gmail.com>> > weightloss <weightloss%40> > Sent: Wed, July 14, 2010 5:07:39 AM > Subject: Newbie - LONG! > > Hello everyone.... > > I'm not so much a newbie, really as a re-newbie. I've been a member for > ages, but just recently started reading the emails with any kind of > regularity. My name is Deedee, I'm 34 (almost 35 - eeek), and I teach 3rd > grade in North Texas. Like many of you, my battle with my weight and with > food has been a lifelong battle. I've reached a crisis point and have > started relistening to IOWL from the prologue after probably over a year of > not listening at all. I'm also about to delve into my long lifestory, so > please bear with me! > > I've always been overweight, and am the product of two overweight parents. > My younger sister also struggles with her weight and is literally going to > the hospital as I type this to have her first child. She and I are > extremely close, and we're both very close to our parents. I've observed > outloud several times before that the four of us enable each other with our > unhealthy eating habits. Obviously, my sister is concerned about these > habits affecting her daughter and I definitely don't want to contribute to > her living a life of obesity and an obsession with food. Meanwhile, both > of > my parents are diabetic and have high blood pressure. My father had a leg > amputated 5 years ago due to his diabetes, has suffered a heart attack, a > small stroke, and has had the big toe on his other foot amputated in the > time since then all due to his weight. You would think that would be > enough > scare the bejesus out of all four of us and make us get our acts together, > but no. We continue to enable one another, make poor food choices, and > fail > to exercise regularly. > > So, now to my own ups and downs (figuratively and literally) with my > weight. > I remember being a kid, in third grade specifically, and feeling > “different” > because I knew I was bigger than the other kids. I don’t remember knowing > what it was in particular that made me feel different, but I remember not > feeling as pretty as the other girls, as truth be told, I was a cute kid > and > even now consider myself cute and pretty (but cute and pretty for a fat > chick – which is horrible thing to think, but all the same, the thought is > always there). My parents had decided once to go on a diet and I got > really jealous and wanted to go on this diet with them and eat the > “special” > food they had bought. This was back in the 80s when Weight Watchers frozen > meals were just becoming popular. Fast forward to high school…I was teased > about my weight and I was maybe 20 pounds heavier than I should have been, > which seems like small change to me now. I was even what I would now term, > sexually harassed, on different occasions, though I didn’t have the > terminology for it then. I assumed at the time and still do now that it > was > because I was bigger than the other girls. I was humiliated by at least 2 > different male classmates at two different times in my high school > career. Lewd > comments and touching in front of classrooms full of students. In > retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like > I > want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too > closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me > because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people > from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. > > I unsuccessfully attempted relationships with guys, always feeling weird > and > after years of crushes on other girls, finally came out to myself, my > family, and friends. In college I managed to lose a good chunk of weight > getting down from 285 pounds to about 210 at one point. Then I met my > first > girlfriend. All attempts at weight loss stalled. I was happy! I was in > love, I didn’t care about losing weight anymore. Just as long as I didn’t > gain it all back. After a year of dating, we moved in together and I had > already gotten back up to about 265. She was much smaller, but she had her > own psychosis about her weight and she had body image issues and we joined > the gym together, joined Weight Watchers together, etc. I would lose a > little weight, then gain it all back and then some. Within 5 years, I had > gotten up to 336 lbs. > > Well, long story short, we’d decided to move back in with our own parents > for a spell to save money. During this time, I got my teaching certificate > and started teaching. My first year, I felt ready to tackle the weight and > did really well for two years. I was consistently working out and eating > well and got down to about 250, give or take 10 lbs here and there. > Meanwhile, > after almost 10 years together, we broke up and I had a string of other > very > unsuccessful, very unhappy, very unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. > Well, > as part of my “recovery” from all of this (particularly 2 relationships > which affected me greatly immediately following my 10 year relationship), I > started working out very consistently. I even went completely vegan and > off > sugar and caffeine as an experiment in February of 2009. I got to my > lowest > weight in years, which was just over 240 lbs. I felt amazing. I felt > strong and in control. Well, as a result of the “experiment” I told myself > I would go to such and such a date, then take the weekend off and relax my > eating regimen a bit. That weekend I got sick with strep throat and lost > my > voice completely for two weeks. Then I got back ontrack and shortly > thereafter, herniated two discs in my lower back and dealt with > mindblowingly painful sciatic for well over 6 months. I’m still suffering > from it, but am able to actually function and have pulled myself out of the > depression I sunk into as a result of the injury. > > So, now…here I am…a year and a half later. I gained about 40 lbs in what I > affectionately refer to as my sciatica weight, plus more since I’ve started > to recover. I had another failed and miserable relationship, but about 3 > months ago, I met my dream girl. She is everything I could possibly want > or > need and more. We met online and will be meeting in person in just over 3 > weeks (she lives in Ireland). She is completely supportive of my weight > loss effort attempts, but tells me she loves me exactly as I am. We’re > constantly on the webcam, so there is no secret as to what I look like. > So, > that part is fantastic. However it seems the happier I am, the less I care > about taking care of myself. So now I find myself back up to over 290 lbs. > I am so frighteningly close to the 300 lb mark that I feel paralyzed. I’m > terrified of getting on the plane and having to ask for a seatbelt > extension > again. I haven’t flown in 3 years and the last time I was on the lower end > of my weight spectrum. And of course, all my clothes are far too tight and > uncomfortable and unflattering, because for months I’ve refused to buy > bigger sizes, knowing I would get my weight back down. However, months > have > passed and my weight is just going up and the clothes are busting at the > seams. > > So now I’m just trying to not beat myself up, listen to the podcasts, do > some soul searching, and actually buy clothes that fit. I’m struggling > with > getting myself to move and with getting myself to make good food choices. > But > I guess I’m some semblance of the right track, because here I am. I’m > forcing myself to think about these things when normally I would just crawl > into my bed and hideaway. > > Thanks for reading. Any encouragement, suggestion, advice, or general > bossing around is more than welcome. J > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2010 Report Share Posted July 17, 2010 Thanks and for the encouragement! I've been immersed in newborn baby goodness with my niece, so I'm just now getting a chance to reply. I was at the hospital with my sister pretty much nonstop from Wednesday to Friday and we just got mommy and baby back to my parents' house yesterday. , I really appreciate your insights. Having an invisibility wardrobe is a good idea. I'll have to try this out and see how it works for me. Anyway, I pretty much threw everything I was relearning out the window during the hospital stay, but today I got up and going with new resolve. I made smarter choices, though I didn't obsessively track my food consumption like I normally would. And I went for a little 30 minute walk outside today while I listened to episode 9 of IOWL. Meanwhile, I shall keep on chugging along, reading the group's emails, relistening to the podcasts, and making healthier choices. Deedee On Wed, Jul 14, 2010 at 7:03 AM, e v <evergos@...> wrote: > > > Deedee....Even though you have had your share of tough times you sound so > positive! > All I can say is baby steps. One day at a time. Plan out what you will do > today or tomorrow and take it from there. What will you eat tomorrow? What > kind of exercise could you fit in? Which clothes will you wear that will > make you feel good? Will you maybe use a bit of make-up? > > Welcome to our group. We have all had our fair share with weight struggles > and are each trying to deal with this in our own unique ways with a lot of > help from and from each other. For sure, we all know how you feel. I > for one have lost weight and gained again and know how frustrating it can > be. Very happy to have you here! > > > > > > From: <lsageev@... <lsageev%40>> > Subject: Re: Newbie - LONG! > weightloss <weightloss%40> > Date: Wednesday, July 14, 2010, 4:47 PM > > > > > Welcome, Deedee! > > You're welcome to all the encouragement we can give, in fact. I definitely > don't > want to boss you around, and I tend to have more questions than > suggestions... > > Two things in your post really jumped out at me: > > " In retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel > like I > want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too > closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me > because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people > from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. " > > Ah, invisibility. I know that one well. Sometimes I want to be seen--I'll > wear > bold colors, or only black, or an unusual combination of styles. Most of > the > time I want to blend in--more or less current-cut jeans, more or less > seasonal > color top. Sometimes I want to be completely invisible. Those are the times > I > find myself wearing something that's too loose, too long for the weather, > too... > boring. > > You know, it's a lot easier to make these changes in my... visibility > level... > by changing clothes rather than changing weight. :-) Maybe if you reassure > yourself that you can have an invisibility wardrobe to act as your armor, > the > part of you that needs protection will feel better.... (Later you can work > on > wearing whatever makes you feel Authentically You, instead of just feeling > safe. > But first things first....) > > " However it seems the happier I am, the less I care > about taking care of myself. " > > Hmmm. And yet it sounded like you were pretty happy when you were in your > vegan > phase... Or do " amazing, strong, and in control " not feel the same as > happy? > > When you were young, you were in a family that enabled overeating and > under-exercising. > > When you were with a partner who had body image issues, you joined a gym > together. And had weight issues together. > > You found yourself here when faced with the thought of taking care of a > niece--at least in the sense of providing a role model. > > I'm not sure why it's the phrase " taking care of " , and the thought of who's > > responsible for it, that keeps echoing in my mind. I may be going waaaaaay > overboard with my " I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on the 'Net " > habit.... > But bear with me. > > When you were alone, you took care of yourself. Now that you're in a > relationship, you say you don't want to take care of yourself... Do you > want > someone else to take care of you? Tell you what and how to eat? I can > remember > some times in my mid-thirties when I realized I definitely wanted someone > else > to take care of things... I didn't like the idea that I was actually a > grown-up > ( " almost 35 - eeek " ). > > Am I way off base here, or is there something to work with? > > > > ________________________________ > From: Deedee Horton <joesydee2@... <joesydee2%40gmail.com>> > weightloss <weightloss%40> > Sent: Wed, July 14, 2010 5:07:39 AM > Subject: Newbie - LONG! > > Hello everyone.... > > I'm not so much a newbie, really as a re-newbie. I've been a member for > ages, but just recently started reading the emails with any kind of > regularity. My name is Deedee, I'm 34 (almost 35 - eeek), and I teach 3rd > grade in North Texas. Like many of you, my battle with my weight and with > food has been a lifelong battle. I've reached a crisis point and have > started relistening to IOWL from the prologue after probably over a year of > not listening at all. I'm also about to delve into my long lifestory, so > please bear with me! > > I've always been overweight, and am the product of two overweight parents. > My younger sister also struggles with her weight and is literally going to > the hospital as I type this to have her first child. She and I are > extremely close, and we're both very close to our parents. I've observed > outloud several times before that the four of us enable each other with our > unhealthy eating habits. Obviously, my sister is concerned about these > habits affecting her daughter and I definitely don't want to contribute to > her living a life of obesity and an obsession with food. Meanwhile, both > of > my parents are diabetic and have high blood pressure. My father had a leg > amputated 5 years ago due to his diabetes, has suffered a heart attack, a > small stroke, and has had the big toe on his other foot amputated in the > time since then all due to his weight. You would think that would be > enough > scare the bejesus out of all four of us and make us get our acts together, > but no. We continue to enable one another, make poor food choices, and > fail > to exercise regularly. > > So, now to my own ups and downs (figuratively and literally) with my > weight. > I remember being a kid, in third grade specifically, and feeling > “different” > because I knew I was bigger than the other kids. I don’t remember knowing > what it was in particular that made me feel different, but I remember not > feeling as pretty as the other girls, as truth be told, I was a cute kid > and > even now consider myself cute and pretty (but cute and pretty for a fat > chick – which is horrible thing to think, but all the same, the thought is > always there). My parents had decided once to go on a diet and I got > really jealous and wanted to go on this diet with them and eat the > “special” > food they had bought. This was back in the 80s when Weight Watchers frozen > meals were just becoming popular. Fast forward to high school…I was teased > about my weight and I was maybe 20 pounds heavier than I should have been, > which seems like small change to me now. I was even what I would now term, > sexually harassed, on different occasions, though I didn’t have the > terminology for it then. I assumed at the time and still do now that it > was > because I was bigger than the other girls. I was humiliated by at least 2 > different male classmates at two different times in my high school > career. Lewd > comments and touching in front of classrooms full of students. In > retrospect, I’m sure these events played a big part in why I now feel like > I > want to stay hidden from the world. I’d rather not be looked at too > closely. But then I have to wonder if I don’t want people looking at me > because of my excess weight or if I keep the excess weight to keep people > from looking at me. Maybe a combination of both. > > I unsuccessfully attempted relationships with guys, always feeling weird > and > after years of crushes on other girls, finally came out to myself, my > family, and friends. In college I managed to lose a good chunk of weight > getting down from 285 pounds to about 210 at one point. Then I met my > first > girlfriend. All attempts at weight loss stalled. I was happy! I was in > love, I didn’t care about losing weight anymore. Just as long as I didn’t > gain it all back. After a year of dating, we moved in together and I had > already gotten back up to about 265. She was much smaller, but she had her > own psychosis about her weight and she had body image issues and we joined > the gym together, joined Weight Watchers together, etc. I would lose a > little weight, then gain it all back and then some. Within 5 years, I had > gotten up to 336 lbs. > > Well, long story short, we’d decided to move back in with our own parents > for a spell to save money. During this time, I got my teaching certificate > and started teaching. My first year, I felt ready to tackle the weight and > did really well for two years. I was consistently working out and eating > well and got down to about 250, give or take 10 lbs here and there. > Meanwhile, > after almost 10 years together, we broke up and I had a string of other > very > unsuccessful, very unhappy, very unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. > Well, > as part of my “recovery” from all of this (particularly 2 relationships > which affected me greatly immediately following my 10 year relationship), I > started working out very consistently. I even went completely vegan and > off > sugar and caffeine as an experiment in February of 2009. I got to my > lowest > weight in years, which was just over 240 lbs. I felt amazing. I felt > strong and in control. Well, as a result of the “experiment” I told myself > I would go to such and such a date, then take the weekend off and relax my > eating regimen a bit. That weekend I got sick with strep throat and lost > my > voice completely for two weeks. Then I got back ontrack and shortly > thereafter, herniated two discs in my lower back and dealt with > mindblowingly painful sciatic for well over 6 months. I’m still suffering > from it, but am able to actually function and have pulled myself out of the > depression I sunk into as a result of the injury. > > So, now…here I am…a year and a half later. I gained about 40 lbs in what I > affectionately refer to as my sciatica weight, plus more since I’ve started > to recover. I had another failed and miserable relationship, but about 3 > months ago, I met my dream girl. She is everything I could possibly want > or > need and more. We met online and will be meeting in person in just over 3 > weeks (she lives in Ireland). She is completely supportive of my weight > loss effort attempts, but tells me she loves me exactly as I am. We’re > constantly on the webcam, so there is no secret as to what I look like. > So, > that part is fantastic. However it seems the happier I am, the less I care > about taking care of myself. So now I find myself back up to over 290 lbs. > I am so frighteningly close to the 300 lb mark that I feel paralyzed. I’m > terrified of getting on the plane and having to ask for a seatbelt > extension > again. I haven’t flown in 3 years and the last time I was on the lower end > of my weight spectrum. And of course, all my clothes are far too tight and > uncomfortable and unflattering, because for months I’ve refused to buy > bigger sizes, knowing I would get my weight back down. However, months > have > passed and my weight is just going up and the clothes are busting at the > seams. > > So now I’m just trying to not beat myself up, listen to the podcasts, do > some soul searching, and actually buy clothes that fit. I’m struggling > with > getting myself to move and with getting myself to make good food choices. > But > I guess I’m some semblance of the right track, because here I am. I’m > forcing myself to think about these things when normally I would just crawl > into my bed and hideaway. > > Thanks for reading. Any encouragement, suggestion, advice, or general > bossing around is more than welcome. J > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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