Re: Episode #1 (and 2)

[Guest guest]

Hi Patti, Tania, Corinna & all to come!

I'm going to start with my motivations, then get into my back story a little.

I want to get away from my " fat armor " and the diseases it caused my mother:

high blood pressure, diabetes, and an early death from pancreatic cancer.

I want to go toward a mental armor, a sexier (yet virtuous) me, fitting into the

size 10s & 12s in my closet, having energy & sex drive, running a 5k, and live a

healthy long life.

Now my back story. I'm a beautiful woman, a gift of a combination of good genes.

I never lacked from partners. When I was in college, I contracted VD, which was

devastating. I couldn't have sex for 8 weeks (forever). I decided I should quite

going with the hot guys I was attracted to, and look for the kind of guy I'd

marry. Just then I met my husband. No strong attraction, but he was nice & safe,

I liked his family & he worshiped me. And he was jealous of me. Well I cheated

some & felt dreadful guilty. So over the years I developed an armor of fat. It's

amazing how invisible fat women are. I kept me from straying, but by the same

token, I have no interest in sex. I'm afraid of my own hotness. If I'm thin,

I'll be so attractive, people will flock to me, tempt me. (OK, not as big a

problem, now that I " m pushing 50) I might waken, esp. if I drink. Even fat I've

had a few tempting admirers.

My mother, too, was beautiful. She had my older sister, out of wedlock, with a

married man, at 18. I definitely got the message from her that being sexually

attractive was dangerous, and fat was safe.

Well, it may be safe from sex. Maybe. But it didn't keep her safe from diseases

& death at 57. I miss her a lot. I was 27 when she died, just a week after my

oldest was born. It was a tragic time of my life, although the pain has lessened

over the 23 years. She never got to know my kids. Mom didn't take care of her

diabetes & bp, and smoked 2 packs a day. She was morbidly obese, and had stomach

stapling; that didn't last because she ate too much & stretch her stomach out

again.

The whole thing with my mother is " away from " motivation.

Caren

>

> " Away from " and " Toward " motivation

>

> When I first listened to these shows, I thought of the obvious. " I want to

get away from large size clothes " and " toward a size 12 " . Sounds ok, right?

>

> Well, over the past several months, I've learned that's not really what I

want. Listening to IOWL and reading a new book (Women, Food and God, by Geneen

Roth. I highly recommend it), I found out my struggle has nothing to do with

losing weight. It's about losing my relationship with food. It's about

developing new relationships.... with exercise... with people... a whole new

relationship with myself.

>

> Listening to the podcast again I heard it differently. talks about an

away-from motivation can be an unwanted behavior. So, here are my away from

motivations:

>

> --Away from eating at night

> --Away from relying on food to deal with things I don't want to deal with

> --Away from constantly thinking about food

>

> Here are my toward motivations:

>

> --I want to feel happy without eating

> --I want to forget to eat

> --I want to deal with emotions without food and without fear

>

> I want to learn to love myself. I want to live each day dealing with every

day emotions without food. I want to learn not to be afraid of emotions. I

want to learn to be the best " me " I can be. I want to know that I am lovable

and that I'm perfect just the way I am.

>

> I want to be happy now! It's not going to come one day by magic when my BMI

is " normal " . If I'm not happy now, I'm not going to be happy when that time

comes. I was a " normal " weight 4 years ago. I wasn't any happier than I was 6

months ago when I was 60 pounds overweight. Now I'm 40 pounds overweight. Am I

happier? Some days I am. But not always.

>

> I want to believe in myself more than I believe in food. I want to REALLY

know that in my mind, body and soul. I want to absolutely believe, without a

doubt, that there is something better than turning to food.

>

> How's that?

>

> Patti

>