Re: DH has OCD/Anxiety and has had MD, makes it harder to support my kids

[Guest guest]

Hi Kathy,

Boy, can I relate!

My ex-husband fits your husband to a T!!! I couldn't take him anymore! It was

hard enough dealing with my daughter, never mind dealing with him on top of it!

He cannot handle himself, let alone the kids. He has a diagnosis of Bipolar, Ocd

and Anxiety also(Just like my daughter)

He still has absolutely No Clue as to what a day in my life is like! He just

told me on the phone a few days ago that everyone he knows thinks I'm so

pathetic because I don't work. I wish I could work, but with two special needs

kids at home, it isn't possible at this time! I didn't even bother trying to

explain anything to him. He is too ignorant to understand much of anything.Only

his own needs.

My kids have told me that when they go over his house(every other weekend) he

spends half the time yelling and cursing at them for nothing.

I never felt any love or support from him when we were together. We tried tons

of therapy. It didn't work. I think he is just not capable.I wish I knew all

this before we got married and had three kids!!!!!!!

Maybe some therapy would work for your family though. Have you tried? I know

how difficult it is dealing with a person like that.I loved my ex-husband with

all my heart, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I wish you luck and I hope

things work out for you and your family

Hugs

Judy

[Guest guest]

Hi Kathy,

Boy, can I relate!

My ex-husband fits your husband to a T!!! I couldn't take him anymore! It was

hard enough dealing with my daughter, never mind dealing with him on top of it!

He cannot handle himself, let alone the kids. He has a diagnosis of Bipolar, Ocd

and Anxiety also(Just like my daughter)

He still has absolutely No Clue as to what a day in my life is like! He just

told me on the phone a few days ago that everyone he knows thinks I'm so

pathetic because I don't work. I wish I could work, but with two special needs

kids at home, it isn't possible at this time! I didn't even bother trying to

explain anything to him. He is too ignorant to understand much of anything.Only

his own needs.

My kids have told me that when they go over his house(every other weekend) he

spends half the time yelling and cursing at them for nothing.

I never felt any love or support from him when we were together. We tried tons

of therapy. It didn't work. I think he is just not capable.I wish I knew all

this before we got married and had three kids!!!!!!!

Maybe some therapy would work for your family though. Have you tried? I know

how difficult it is dealing with a person like that.I loved my ex-husband with

all my heart, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I wish you luck and I hope

things work out for you and your family

Hugs

Judy

[Guest guest]

--Hi Judy,

We have tried alot!!! three years of marriage counseling weekly

before kids. Marriage encounter twice before kids. After kids

we have done marriage counseling for at least a year, he has had six

years of medication, we have done one weekend for troubled marriages,

we are currently reading and hopefully doing the book

of GOttmans (cant recall name), will repeat weekend for troubled

marriages and join suppport group, and also restart counseling.

We have held it together, but it stinks, its hard. If you have major

mood disorders its hard to help others. How long were you married?

Kathy

- In , jchabot <jchabot@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Kathy,

> Boy, can I relate!

> My ex-husband fits your husband to a T!!! I couldn't take him

anymore! It was hard enough dealing with my daughter, never mind

dealing with him on top of it! He cannot handle himself, let alone

the kids. He has a diagnosis of Bipolar, Ocd and Anxiety also(Just

like my daughter)

> He still has absolutely No Clue as to what a day in my life is

like! He just told me on the phone a few days ago that everyone he

knows thinks I'm so pathetic because I don't work. I wish I could

work, but with two special needs kids at home, it isn't possible at

this time! I didn't even bother trying to explain anything to him. He

is too ignorant to understand much of anything.Only his own needs.

>

> My kids have told me that when they go over his house(every other

weekend) he spends half the time yelling and cursing at them for

nothing.

> I never felt any love or support from him when we were together. We

tried tons of therapy. It didn't work. I think he is just not

capable.I wish I knew all this before we got married and had three

kids!!!!!!!

> Maybe some therapy would work for your family though. Have you

tried? I know how difficult it is dealing with a person like that.I

loved my ex-husband with all my heart, but I just couldn't take it

anymore. I wish you luck and I hope things work out for you and your

family

> Hugs

> Judy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

--Hi Judy,

We have tried alot!!! three years of marriage counseling weekly

before kids. Marriage encounter twice before kids. After kids

we have done marriage counseling for at least a year, he has had six

years of medication, we have done one weekend for troubled marriages,

we are currently reading and hopefully doing the book

of GOttmans (cant recall name), will repeat weekend for troubled

marriages and join suppport group, and also restart counseling.

We have held it together, but it stinks, its hard. If you have major

mood disorders its hard to help others. How long were you married?

Kathy

- In , jchabot <jchabot@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Kathy,

> Boy, can I relate!

> My ex-husband fits your husband to a T!!! I couldn't take him

anymore! It was hard enough dealing with my daughter, never mind

dealing with him on top of it! He cannot handle himself, let alone

the kids. He has a diagnosis of Bipolar, Ocd and Anxiety also(Just

like my daughter)

> He still has absolutely No Clue as to what a day in my life is

like! He just told me on the phone a few days ago that everyone he

knows thinks I'm so pathetic because I don't work. I wish I could

work, but with two special needs kids at home, it isn't possible at

this time! I didn't even bother trying to explain anything to him. He

is too ignorant to understand much of anything.Only his own needs.

>

> My kids have told me that when they go over his house(every other

weekend) he spends half the time yelling and cursing at them for

nothing.

> I never felt any love or support from him when we were together. We

tried tons of therapy. It didn't work. I think he is just not

capable.I wish I knew all this before we got married and had three

kids!!!!!!!

> Maybe some therapy would work for your family though. Have you

tried? I know how difficult it is dealing with a person like that.I

loved my ex-husband with all my heart, but I just couldn't take it

anymore. I wish you luck and I hope things work out for you and your

family

> Hugs

> Judy

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kath,

That is a really tough spot you are in. I don't have answers, just

wanted to reach out.

Why did your husband go off his medication? Don't have any experience

with this but wonder if you can get him in to see someone, or call

his doctor to ask advice on this. Failing this you need to look after

your needs. Hopefully you have a trusted friend or family, and of

course your online family is always here.

My husband is a good guy, but works 6 days a week and sleeps a lot.

We do connect but I find my female friends and contacts more helpful

in terms of feeling less alone with all this stuff. Somehow women

are more able to tune in and know what to say. Do you have a support

group in your area, even a general parent support group? Just some

thoughts...

Hang in there.

Barb

>

> Been through alot with dear DH prior to the kids being

> diagnosed. Just wanted to mention that it makes it HARDEr

> for me. His ways of relating aren't great,and he is pretty impatient

> with the mood disorder thing. I think he is too harsh on the kids

> and impatient (and mood disordered) himself. It puts spouse of

people

> like this with kids that are involved in a hard spot. Myh DH just

took

> himself off meds after six years. I see he is having a downward

slip,

> but wont listent o me. His impatient/anxiety and hard to deal with

> personality make it hard for me to help my kids, and I also dont

> receive much direct support/love from this type personality. I feel

all

> alone, though realize he probably isnt capable of much

interpersonally./

> But wanted to remark he coped wiht life a whole lot better priot to

> kids. I think some people just barely make it while single/then you

a a

> wife and couple of anxious kids to the mix and he is a mess.

> THanks for listening. Dont know what to do about it. Have done a

lot not

> much helps. Wondering if anyone else has this?

> kath

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kath,

That is a really tough spot you are in. I don't have answers, just

wanted to reach out.

Why did your husband go off his medication? Don't have any experience

with this but wonder if you can get him in to see someone, or call

his doctor to ask advice on this. Failing this you need to look after

your needs. Hopefully you have a trusted friend or family, and of

course your online family is always here.

My husband is a good guy, but works 6 days a week and sleeps a lot.

We do connect but I find my female friends and contacts more helpful

in terms of feeling less alone with all this stuff. Somehow women

are more able to tune in and know what to say. Do you have a support

group in your area, even a general parent support group? Just some

thoughts...

Hang in there.

Barb

>

> Been through alot with dear DH prior to the kids being

> diagnosed. Just wanted to mention that it makes it HARDEr

> for me. His ways of relating aren't great,and he is pretty impatient

> with the mood disorder thing. I think he is too harsh on the kids

> and impatient (and mood disordered) himself. It puts spouse of

people

> like this with kids that are involved in a hard spot. Myh DH just

took

> himself off meds after six years. I see he is having a downward

slip,

> but wont listent o me. His impatient/anxiety and hard to deal with

> personality make it hard for me to help my kids, and I also dont

> receive much direct support/love from this type personality. I feel

all

> alone, though realize he probably isnt capable of much

interpersonally./

> But wanted to remark he coped wiht life a whole lot better priot to

> kids. I think some people just barely make it while single/then you

a a

> wife and couple of anxious kids to the mix and he is a mess.

> THanks for listening. Dont know what to do about it. Have done a

lot not

> much helps. Wondering if anyone else has this?

> kath

>

[Guest guest]

If you have major mood disorders its hard to help others.

> Kathy

Hi again Kathy.

Just wanted to say that while a mood disorder certainly can

compromise one's ability to be in a relationship and to parent, in

the end I think it is the person/personality and maturity that

decides it. Speaking as one who is compromised in this way, while I

would say I may be less in some ways I feel I am more in others.

Mostly I fight hard to be present and look after my needs so that I

can be there for others who count on me.

From what you describe it sounds like you have all been fighting hard

from the get go. With the OCD added to the mix the load is just

tipped, if it wasn't already. I guess the question is what can you

do to look after yourself so you can keep going and manage all that

you do.

Hang in there.

Barb

[Guest guest]

If you have major mood disorders its hard to help others.

> Kathy

Hi again Kathy.

Just wanted to say that while a mood disorder certainly can

compromise one's ability to be in a relationship and to parent, in

the end I think it is the person/personality and maturity that

decides it. Speaking as one who is compromised in this way, while I

would say I may be less in some ways I feel I am more in others.

Mostly I fight hard to be present and look after my needs so that I

can be there for others who count on me.

From what you describe it sounds like you have all been fighting hard

from the get go. With the OCD added to the mix the load is just

tipped, if it wasn't already. I guess the question is what can you

do to look after yourself so you can keep going and manage all that

you do.

Hang in there.

Barb

[Guest guest]

Hi Kath-

It could have been me writing your email {{HUGS}} I can cry with you on

this-k.

Somedays its as if we are right on track, dh is pleasant, we dont argue, and

we all have a great time together. And then there are the other days-days when I

just am bearly holding on to things.

It took a abt a year and a half before my dh could accept our sons disability.

For abt a year and a 1/2 I was traveling this all alone-and any time I brought

our son up in conversation-I was babying him, or it was " my " fault for babying

him, I was giving him too much attention, etc. Dh actually went to school and

witnessed for himself-son was on the playground at recess. Dh came home and was

VERY quite.......he finally said it. I think it was the hardest thing for him to

admit to himself. That our son just didnt fit in, that he was different, etc,

that he was trying so hard to make good choices, to have freinds, yet just didnt

have the skills to do so etc, " that he had seen this just watching him struggle

at recess time-hanging ard the spec ed teacher -not wanting to be ard the other

kids etc( this is an 8 yr old)

After that day things slowly changed ard here. Dh actully thinks before he

talks now-well hes better-he's supporting me in homeschooling our son now.

Things are not perfect and it took a long time to get to here. Dh also takes

meds for anxiety-is prone to panic attacks when in crowded surroundings etc. Is

pretty moody and Im constantly walking on egg shells. But its better-kwim? I

think he's alot like our son( Aspie)and he has many admirable traits and

knowledge that I just find remarkeable. But moods are an ongoing issue ard here.

Its hard to try and keep peace all the time{{HUGS}}-but I do as I think I

should and that is to stand by him and our children -whether good or bad-giving

up is not an option here-for anyone.

So I take it day by day and somehow we all get through

I just wanted you to know that Im here for you if you ever want to talk. I

know how hard it is to keep the family together-united so to speak.

Keep your head up girl. Your dh needs you and so does your son. I know it

sometimes doesnt seam this way-but its what helps me keep truckin' on-kwim?

Love ya,

Tammy

>

> Been through alot with dear DH prior to the kids being

> diagnosed. Just wanted to mention that it makes it HARDEr

> for me. His ways of relating aren't great,and he is pretty impatient

> with the mood disorder thing. I think he is too harsh on the kids

> and impatient (and mood disordered) himself. It puts spouse of

people

> like this with kids that are involved in a hard spot. Myh DH just

took

> himself off meds after six years. I see he is having a downward

slip,

> but wont listent o me. His impatient/anxiety and hard to deal with

> personality make it hard for me to help my kids, and I also dont

> receive much direct support/love from this type personality. I feel

all

> alone, though realize he probably isnt capable of much

interpersonally./

> But wanted to remark he coped wiht life a whole lot better priot to

> kids. I think some people just barely make it while single/then you

a a

> wife and couple of anxious kids to the mix and he is a mess.

> THanks for listening. Dont know what to do about it. Have done a

lot not

> much helps. Wondering if anyone else has this?

> kath

>

Our list archives, bookmarks, files, and chat feature may be accessed at:

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[Guest guest]

---

Hi Barb,

Thanks for your lending an ear. Part of the problem, a big part, is

that before all this my family was hit with a double tradgey.

My dad died at age 53 of a sudden brain anyuerism, and then four

years later my mom (53 also) got stomach cancer and died 9 months

later. I have no family who is close (just one brother who I only see

twice or three times a year). I have a mother in law who is estranged

from our family, so its just me here.

I think I am going to use this school start up to get some help for

myself and realize I cant change DH and try to steer clear of his bad

moods.

The reason he went off is because (1st reason), allt he SSRIs

had terrible side effects, and the second reason is because they

caused him to either sleep all the time, or have severe allergies.

He has a shrink, he knows whats going on, but i think my DH

makes himself look good in the apppointment. All i can do is take

care of myself. My daughter also did not respond to SSRIs

and were put on a mood stabilizer. Ironically this was nver mentioned

to DH, but I can see where it would work. His doctor is kind of a big

jerk and when i have called concerned my DH in the past he will not

speak to me, he only talks to the patient. We tried maritial therapy

with him once and he was so bonded to my DH he told me he couldnt

work with us and tried to blame me on all the marriage issues.

I feel pretty stuck and hopeless, but I am strong, have been thru

worse and somehow, someway will get through it. I am so alone thats

why I post here, thanks for being there.

Kathy

In , " barb " <barbnesrallah@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Kath,

>

> That is a really tough spot you are in. I don't have answers, just

> wanted to reach out.

>

> Why did your husband go off his medication? Don't have any

experience

> with this but wonder if you can get him in to see someone, or call

> his doctor to ask advice on this. Failing this you need to look

after

> your needs. Hopefully you have a trusted friend or family, and of

> course your online family is always here.

>

> My husband is a good guy, but works 6 days a week and sleeps a lot.

> We do connect but I find my female friends and contacts more

helpful

> in terms of feeling less alone with all this stuff. Somehow women

> are more able to tune in and know what to say. Do you have a

support

> group in your area, even a general parent support group? Just some

> thoughts...

>

> Hang in there.

> Barb

>

>

> >

> > Been through alot with dear DH prior to the kids being

> > diagnosed. Just wanted to mention that it makes it HARDEr

> > for me. His ways of relating aren't great,and he is pretty

impatient

> > with the mood disorder thing. I think he is too harsh on the kids

> > and impatient (and mood disordered) himself. It puts spouse of

> people

> > like this with kids that are involved in a hard spot. Myh DH just

> took

> > himself off meds after six years. I see he is having a downward

> slip,

> > but wont listent o me. His impatient/anxiety and hard to deal

with

> > personality make it hard for me to help my kids, and I also dont

> > receive much direct support/love from this type personality. I

feel

> all

> > alone, though realize he probably isnt capable of much

> interpersonally./

> > But wanted to remark he coped wiht life a whole lot better priot

to

> > kids. I think some people just barely make it while single/then

you

> a a

> > wife and couple of anxious kids to the mix and he is a mess.

> > THanks for listening. Dont know what to do about it. Have done a

> lot not

> > much helps. Wondering if anyone else has this?

> > kath

> >

>

[Guest guest]

-

Tammi,

Thanks for responding. Yes, its not easy to get divorced especially

when you have been a stay athome mom and have dependent special need

kids, no family and no way to work at a decent paying job. Sort of

like entrapment. Thanks for the hugs, I need them.

Kathy

-- In , Tammy Britton

<momonedge75@...> wrote:

>

> Hi Kath-

> It could have been me writing your email {{HUGS}} I can cry

with you on this-k.

>

> Somedays its as if we are right on track, dh is pleasant, we dont

argue, and we all have a great time together. And then there are the

other days-days when I just am bearly holding on to things.

>

> It took a abt a year and a half before my dh could accept our

sons disability. For abt a year and a 1/2 I was traveling this all

alone-and any time I brought our son up in conversation-I was babying

him, or it was " my " fault for babying him, I was giving him too much

attention, etc. Dh actually went to school and witnessed for himself-

son was on the playground at recess. Dh came home and was VERY

quite.......he finally said it. I think it was the hardest thing for

him to admit to himself. That our son just didnt fit in, that he was

different, etc, that he was trying so hard to make good choices, to

have freinds, yet just didnt have the skills to do so etc, " that he

had seen this just watching him struggle at recess time-hanging ard

the spec ed teacher -not wanting to be ard the other kids etc( this

is an 8 yr old)

>

> After that day things slowly changed ard here. Dh actully thinks

before he talks now-well hes better-he's supporting me in

homeschooling our son now.

>

> Things are not perfect and it took a long time to get to here. Dh

also takes meds for anxiety-is prone to panic attacks when in crowded

surroundings etc. Is pretty moody and Im constantly walking on egg

shells. But its better-kwim? I think he's alot like our son( Aspie)

and he has many admirable traits and knowledge that I just find

remarkeable. But moods are an ongoing issue ard here.

>

> Its hard to try and keep peace all the time{{HUGS}}-but I do as I

think I should and that is to stand by him and our children -whether

good or bad-giving up is not an option here-for anyone.

>

> So I take it day by day and somehow we all get through

>

> I just wanted you to know that Im here for you if you ever want

to talk. I know how hard it is to keep the family together-united so

to speak.

> Keep your head up girl. Your dh needs you and so does your

son. I know it sometimes doesnt seam this way-but its what helps me

keep truckin' on-kwim?

>

> Love ya,

> Tammy

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Been through alot with dear DH prior to the kids being

> > diagnosed. Just wanted to mention that it makes it HARDEr

> > for me. His ways of relating aren't great,and he is pretty

impatient

> > with the mood disorder thing. I think he is too harsh on the kids

> > and impatient (and mood disordered) himself. It puts spouse of

> people

> > like this with kids that are involved in a hard spot. Myh DH just

> took

> > himself off meds after six years. I see he is having a downward

> slip,

> > but wont listent o me. His impatient/anxiety and hard to deal

with

> > personality make it hard for me to help my kids, and I also dont

> > receive much direct support/love from this type personality. I

feel

> all

> > alone, though realize he probably isnt capable of much

> interpersonally./

> > But wanted to remark he coped wiht life a whole lot better priot

to

> > kids. I think some people just barely make it while single/then

you

> a a

> > wife and couple of anxious kids to the mix and he is a mess.

> > THanks for listening. Dont know what to do about it. Have done a

> lot not

> > much helps. Wondering if anyone else has this?

> > kath

> >

>

>

>

>

> Our list archives, bookmarks, files, and chat feature may be

accessed at: / .

> Our list advisors are Gail B. , Ed.D.

(http://www.ocdawareness.com ), Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.(

http://www.worrywisekids.org ), Dan Geller, M.D.

(http://massgeneral.org/pediatricpsych/staff/geller.html ),Aureen

Pinto Wagner, Ph.D., ( http://www.lighthouse-press.com ). Our list

moderators are Birkhan, Castle, Joye, Kathy

Mac, Gail Pesses, and Kathy . Subscription issues or

suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at

louisharkins@... , louisharkins@... , louisharkins@... .

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kathy,

Sorry about the loss of your parents, and your lack of family in

general. That is hard, and such a young age. I'm on the other end of

that with aging parents and care giving, my Dad just died, and now

concern about my Mum, and I'm not able to be there for her as I would

like. Even with family around me on both sides, I have found it

difficult if not impossible to explain what we deal with,

particularily when the child everyone sees seems perfectly fine. I

really don't want to hear comments or questions from people I care

about and I find it unavoidable when you share with them - that I

find exhausting. Until more recently we just kept to ourselves. With

safety issues and emerg visits we had to share more as my husband has

a family based business.

So I understand the feeling of aloneness, even with family and

friends, and post here also because I feel it is the only place where

you don't have to explain the pain, grief, exhaustion,

frustration....everyone here knows it intimately to some degree or

other.

I am in the process of starting up a support group for the same

reason. I find talking to others who understand and maybe have

helpful ideas is sometimes all that sustains me, and motivates me to

get up another day and fight for better care for all our kids.

Good for you thinking about what you can do for yourself. Really

tough with your husband situation. You do sound very strong, keep

hanging in and looking for answers. Hope and belief that it will get

better, I guess it's called faith, can take you a long way, I can't

live without it.

Big Hug to you!

Barb

> > >

> > > Been through alot with dear DH prior to the kids being

> > > diagnosed. Just wanted to mention that it makes it HARDEr

> > > for me. His ways of relating aren't great,and he is pretty

> impatient

> > > with the mood disorder thing. I think he is too harsh on the

kids

> > > and impatient (and mood disordered) himself. It puts spouse of

> > people

> > > like this with kids that are involved in a hard spot. Myh DH

just

> > took

> > > himself off meds after six years. I see he is having a downward

> > slip,

> > > but wont listent o me. His impatient/anxiety and hard to deal

> with

> > > personality make it hard for me to help my kids, and I also

dont

> > > receive much direct support/love from this type personality. I

> feel

> > all

> > > alone, though realize he probably isnt capable of much

> > interpersonally./

> > > But wanted to remark he coped wiht life a whole lot better

priot

> to

> > > kids. I think some people just barely make it while single/then

> you

> > a a

> > > wife and couple of anxious kids to the mix and he is a mess.

> > > THanks for listening. Dont know what to do about it. Have done

a

> > lot not

> > > much helps. Wondering if anyone else has this?

> > > kath

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kathy,

We were only married for six years. He is still playing mind games with me and

downplays our daughter's OCD. If I say one little thing to him on the phone he

doesn't like, he'll give me less in my child support check.

I wish you luck!

Hugs

Judy