Re: Do I cry in front of her?

[Guest guest]

This is terribly heartrending , I'm so sorry. I think you should

cry when you can't help it b/c that is a natural and normal reaction.

Maybe it is hard for your dd to handle, but at some later point she

would wonder why you did not cry, or realize that you witheld normal

emotions due to her ocd, and that will not help her. Plus your

younger dd will not understand you witholding your grief either. I am

so very sorry your family and the other little girl's family are

suffering like this.

I noticed you are in Vancouver, I travelled up there this month (dh

had a business meeting), it is such a beautiful unique city. It was

our first trip together (alone) in 20 yrs marriage! So will hold

special memories for me now. We stayed in a Marriot by the harbor-

what luxury. It was like an oasis in a years long expanse of desert

as we've dealt with ocd etc in one kid after another.

nancy grace

>

> I'm sorry if this is sad but:

>

> The biggest trigger for Dd12 with OCD is death, and the fear of

dying

> or of a loved one dying. Her little sister's best friend (who

is

> six) has cancer and will die in the next day or two.

>

> has played at our place many times, the girls were

inseparable.

> really loved dd12 too.

>

> I saw on Sunday and she's no longer conscious, she's at a

> hospice, it's just a matter of time now. I feel sad a lot of the

> time. I see my dd5 doing things she used to do with and tears

> come to my eyes. They were playing together as little as a month

ago,

> though we've known she's been sick for over three years. I went to

> the beach tonight to watch the sunset and thought of all the times

I

> took the girls there and they played for hours, burying their

plastic

> toys in the sand or making fairy houses or wading in the water...or

> fighting.

>

> Thing is, dd12 HATES to see me cry. She's more upset (it seems) at

> the idea of seeing me cry than she is about 's death, though I

> know this isn't so. It's hard because I know OCD is making her

react

> this way, but I don't feel like doing exposure on this one so I'm

> having to hide from her the fact that I'm sad or that I've just

been

> crying. I guess I should do this for her sake (hide it).

>

> We discuss and our feelings etc. whenever dd12 is not around

as

> it is too upsetting for her. She won't really discuss it until

> is actually gone. She still believes in miracles, but is too

far

> gone now. We thought we were going to lose her in January, but dd12

> said Miracles happen and did turn around and we had eight more

> months of fun with her, but no longer...

>

> We'll see how it goes, but this is really difficult for everyone.

> Again, hug your kids tonight and, as difficult as OCD is to live

> with, be glad that your child is with you.

>

> I miss so much already. Sorry if this is too sad.

>

> Theresa (in Vancouver, Canada)

> dd12 OCD & depression, Melatonin occasionally; ds10; dd5

>

[Guest guest]

This is terribly heartrending , I'm so sorry. I think you should

cry when you can't help it b/c that is a natural and normal reaction.

Maybe it is hard for your dd to handle, but at some later point she

would wonder why you did not cry, or realize that you witheld normal

emotions due to her ocd, and that will not help her. Plus your

younger dd will not understand you witholding your grief either. I am

so very sorry your family and the other little girl's family are

suffering like this.

I noticed you are in Vancouver, I travelled up there this month (dh

had a business meeting), it is such a beautiful unique city. It was

our first trip together (alone) in 20 yrs marriage! So will hold

special memories for me now. We stayed in a Marriot by the harbor-

what luxury. It was like an oasis in a years long expanse of desert

as we've dealt with ocd etc in one kid after another.

nancy grace

>

> I'm sorry if this is sad but:

>

> The biggest trigger for Dd12 with OCD is death, and the fear of

dying

> or of a loved one dying. Her little sister's best friend (who

is

> six) has cancer and will die in the next day or two.

>

> has played at our place many times, the girls were

inseparable.

> really loved dd12 too.

>

> I saw on Sunday and she's no longer conscious, she's at a

> hospice, it's just a matter of time now. I feel sad a lot of the

> time. I see my dd5 doing things she used to do with and tears

> come to my eyes. They were playing together as little as a month

ago,

> though we've known she's been sick for over three years. I went to

> the beach tonight to watch the sunset and thought of all the times

I

> took the girls there and they played for hours, burying their

plastic

> toys in the sand or making fairy houses or wading in the water...or

> fighting.

>

> Thing is, dd12 HATES to see me cry. She's more upset (it seems) at

> the idea of seeing me cry than she is about 's death, though I

> know this isn't so. It's hard because I know OCD is making her

react

> this way, but I don't feel like doing exposure on this one so I'm

> having to hide from her the fact that I'm sad or that I've just

been

> crying. I guess I should do this for her sake (hide it).

>

> We discuss and our feelings etc. whenever dd12 is not around

as

> it is too upsetting for her. She won't really discuss it until

> is actually gone. She still believes in miracles, but is too

far

> gone now. We thought we were going to lose her in January, but dd12

> said Miracles happen and did turn around and we had eight more

> months of fun with her, but no longer...

>

> We'll see how it goes, but this is really difficult for everyone.

> Again, hug your kids tonight and, as difficult as OCD is to live

> with, be glad that your child is with you.

>

> I miss so much already. Sorry if this is too sad.

>

> Theresa (in Vancouver, Canada)

> dd12 OCD & depression, Melatonin occasionally; ds10; dd5

>

[Guest guest]

Hugs to you Theresa! This must be so hard to deal with, having to

hide your pain, when you just need to grieve. I don't have answers,

just wanted to reach out and say I feel for you.

I guess it's a matter of balancing your needs and your daughters, as

is all parenting... Since the OCD stuff around death is pretty

powerful I would do what you feel is right for your daughter, and

then be sure to do what you need to do for yourself.

More hugs!

Barb

>

> I'm sorry if this is sad but:

>

> The biggest trigger for Dd12 with OCD is death, and the fear of

dying

> or of a loved one dying. Her little sister's best friend (who

is

> six) has cancer and will die in the next day or two.

>

> has played at our place many times, the girls were

inseparable.

> really loved dd12 too.

>

> I saw on Sunday and she's no longer conscious, she's at a

> hospice, it's just a matter of time now. I feel sad a lot of the

> time. I see my dd5 doing things she used to do with and tears

> come to my eyes. They were playing together as little as a month

ago,

> though we've known she's been sick for over three years. I went to

> the beach tonight to watch the sunset and thought of all the times

I

> took the girls there and they played for hours, burying their

plastic

> toys in the sand or making fairy houses or wading in the water...or

> fighting.

>

> Thing is, dd12 HATES to see me cry. She's more upset (it seems) at

> the idea of seeing me cry than she is about 's death, though I

> know this isn't so. It's hard because I know OCD is making her

react

> this way, but I don't feel like doing exposure on this one so I'm

> having to hide from her the fact that I'm sad or that I've just

been

> crying. I guess I should do this for her sake (hide it).

>

> We discuss and our feelings etc. whenever dd12 is not around

as

> it is too upsetting for her. She won't really discuss it until

> is actually gone. She still believes in miracles, but is too

far

> gone now. We thought we were going to lose her in January, but dd12

> said Miracles happen and did turn around and we had eight more

> months of fun with her, but no longer...

>

> We'll see how it goes, but this is really difficult for everyone.

> Again, hug your kids tonight and, as difficult as OCD is to live

> with, be glad that your child is with you.

>

> I miss so much already. Sorry if this is too sad.

>

> Theresa (in Vancouver, Canada)

> dd12 OCD & depression, Melatonin occasionally; ds10; dd5

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Barb and Grace. I came back from visiting her and her

family at the hospice tonight. She was actually conscious some of the

time, and seems more peaceful somehow. She had said to her Dad last

night " I'm going to turn into a butterfly! " I don't think her Dad is

ready to let her go yet.

When I came home, dd12 said " Are you crying? " ds10 said " did she die

yet? " dd5 didn't ask anything. I think when she's actually gone dd12

will be able to let go and cry and we can all cry together, as we all

did in January.

Theresa

> >

> > I'm sorry if this is sad but:

> >

> > The biggest trigger for Dd12 with OCD is death, and the fear of

> dying

> > or of a loved one dying. Her little sister's best friend

(who

> is

> > six) has cancer and will die in the next day or two.

> >

> > has played at our place many times, the girls were

> inseparable.

> > really loved dd12 too.

> >

> > I saw on Sunday and she's no longer conscious, she's at a

> > hospice, it's just a matter of time now. I feel sad a lot of the

> > time. I see my dd5 doing things she used to do with and

tears

> > come to my eyes. They were playing together as little as a month

> ago,

> > though we've known she's been sick for over three years. I went

to

> > the beach tonight to watch the sunset and thought of all the

times

> I

> > took the girls there and they played for hours, burying their

> plastic

> > toys in the sand or making fairy houses or wading in the

water...or

> > fighting.

> >

> > Thing is, dd12 HATES to see me cry. She's more upset (it seems)

at

> > the idea of seeing me cry than she is about 's death, though

I

> > know this isn't so. It's hard because I know OCD is making her

> react

> > this way, but I don't feel like doing exposure on this one so I'm

> > having to hide from her the fact that I'm sad or that I've just

> been

> > crying. I guess I should do this for her sake (hide it).

> >

> > We discuss and our feelings etc. whenever dd12 is not around

> as

> > it is too upsetting for her. She won't really discuss it until

> > is actually gone. She still believes in miracles, but is too

> far

> > gone now. We thought we were going to lose her in January, but

dd12

> > said Miracles happen and did turn around and we had eight

more

> > months of fun with her, but no longer...

> >

> > We'll see how it goes, but this is really difficult for everyone.

> > Again, hug your kids tonight and, as difficult as OCD is to live

> > with, be glad that your child is with you.

> >

> > I miss so much already. Sorry if this is too sad.

> >

> > Theresa (in Vancouver, Canada)

> > dd12 OCD & depression, Melatonin occasionally; ds10; dd5

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I can completely relate to your situation. I am very sorry you all

have to go through that. My daughter, who is 14 now, was always

afraid of family members dying. And by the time she was 9, she had 3

friends whose mothers had died, and she lost a friend to cancer also,

and a boy in the same class as the girl, died in a car accident 3

weeks after the girl's death. It was so awful. My dd's OCD came out

after the 2nd mother died.

I always tried to hide my feelings about these deaths to a large

degree. She knew I was sad, but she hated to see me cry. She thinks

it is a sign of weakness, and she tries to be strong. I didn't have

her go to her friend's funeral....maybe I should have. She seems to

hold her feelings inside. I am trying to help her not do this.

My point.....several months ago she and I were at a religious service

that was sad. It was a beautiful service, but many people cried.

She came home and said, " Mom, maybe you are right. Maybe it is

normal to cry " . It did not set off her OCD either. In fact, quite

the contrary. I think her OCD gets worse when she doesn't know how

to deal with her feelings.

I think it is healthy for your daughter to see your true, sad

feelings. This is a very hard thing for everyone, and I think she

has a lot to learn from this about life, even if her OCD gets worse

for a bit. Only you know what she can handle, but, I just wanted to

share my experience with you.

Again, I am sorry. I know how hard this must be. Ellen

[Guest guest]

Thank you Grace. They all know that I cry, and I know we'll let

it all out once she's actually gone. But you're right about her

feeling bad if she realizes later that her OCD prevented me from

properly grieving...I just do it in private right now. I still deny

that I'm crying when she asks, so I'll have to think about how I

handle that. I suspect she just doesn't want me to cry in front of

her, but she knows I am sad. The other two see me cry. And dh is sad

too because he's the stay-at-home parent and he was home most days

when would come over and play (and get frustrated with her when

she wouldn't listen).

I actually work about a block away from the Marriott downtown and

live a 20 minute walk from that, near Sunset Beach by the Burrard

Bridge. I love my adopted city of Vancouver too. How nice you were

able to get away alone, a rare gift.

Theresa

> > I miss so much already. Sorry if this is too sad.

> >

> > Theresa (in Vancouver, Canada)

> > dd12 OCD & depression, Melatonin occasionally; ds10; dd5

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Theresa, this is so incredibly sad. Only 6 years old, and she has

already touched so many lives. sounds like a very special little

girl. You do what you need to get through the day. I understand how

the stress is triggering a hyper control response in your Miss 12. I

think you are right; eventually she will let it all out, in her own

time. ((hugs))

Khris

[Guest guest]

Out of the mouths of babes...turning into a butterfly. These kids

are so incredibly brave and wise. Can we ever be fully ready to let

go when it's our children... You have my empathy.

I think you are right about once your little friend leaves this

earth, that maybe then your dd12 can allow the feelings. With our son

it's the anticipation and thinking about an event that is the

undoing, nature of anxiety disorder really....

Death is the one thing we can't control, coupled with OCD feelings of

loss of control, big stuff for such young kids. I wonder also if your

dd personalizes this in terms of her own mortality, just too big for

what sounds like a very sensitive child, who so often can't even find

the words to express the pain inside.

You are in my thoughts. Hugs!

Barb

> > >

> > > I'm sorry if this is sad but:

> > >

> > > The biggest trigger for Dd12 with OCD is death, and the fear of

> > dying

> > > or of a loved one dying. Her little sister's best friend

> (who

> > is

> > > six) has cancer and will die in the next day or two.

> > >

> > > has played at our place many times, the girls were

> > inseparable.

> > > really loved dd12 too.

> > >

> > > I saw on Sunday and she's no longer conscious, she's at a

> > > hospice, it's just a matter of time now. I feel sad a lot of

the

> > > time. I see my dd5 doing things she used to do with and

> tears

> > > come to my eyes. They were playing together as little as a

month

> > ago,

> > > though we've known she's been sick for over three years. I went

> to

> > > the beach tonight to watch the sunset and thought of all the

> times

> > I

> > > took the girls there and they played for hours, burying their

> > plastic

> > > toys in the sand or making fairy houses or wading in the

> water...or

> > > fighting.

> > >

> > > Thing is, dd12 HATES to see me cry. She's more upset (it seems)

> at

> > > the idea of seeing me cry than she is about 's death,

though

> I

> > > know this isn't so. It's hard because I know OCD is making her

> > react

> > > this way, but I don't feel like doing exposure on this one so

I'm

> > > having to hide from her the fact that I'm sad or that I've just

> > been

> > > crying. I guess I should do this for her sake (hide it).

> > >

> > > We discuss and our feelings etc. whenever dd12 is not

around

> > as

> > > it is too upsetting for her. She won't really discuss it until

>

> > > is actually gone. She still believes in miracles, but is

too

> > far

> > > gone now. We thought we were going to lose her in January, but

> dd12

> > > said Miracles happen and did turn around and we had eight

> more

> > > months of fun with her, but no longer...

> > >

> > > We'll see how it goes, but this is really difficult for

everyone.

> > > Again, hug your kids tonight and, as difficult as OCD is to

live

> > > with, be glad that your child is with you.

> > >

> > > I miss so much already. Sorry if this is too sad.

> > >

> > > Theresa (in Vancouver, Canada)

> > > dd12 OCD & depression, Melatonin occasionally; ds10; dd5

> > >

> >

>