Does birth order matter? What every parent needs to know

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http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/family/10/12/par.birth.order/index.html

Does birth order matter? What every parent needs to know

updated 8:21 a.m. EDT, Fri October 12, 2007

The question's been around forever -- and so have the myths

surrounding it.

But the debate over the impact of birth order gained new urgency this

summer when the results of a new study were announced: Firstborns'

IQs tend to be higher than those of their younger siblings.

Does that mean later-born kids are destined to be less accomplished

and successful? Studies like this don't tell the whole story -- and

neither do birth-order stereotypes. Here's how to bring out the best

in each child:

What the latest study found

Norwegian scientists analyzed test results and birth data from more

than 241,000 military conscripts and found that oldest children had

an average IQ of 103, second children came in at 101, and third-borns

were at 100.

Is that a big spread? It's not a difference you'd ever notice, but

some researchers say it could mean the difference between getting

into a top college versus a second-tier one.

What accounts for the difference? Nobody knows. There's speculation

that eldest kids benefit from having their parents' undivided

attention for a while -- until another swaddled bundle arrives home

from the hospital, that is. Or it could be that moms and dads have

especially big dreams for their first kid, and the child picks up on

it. Another theory: Eldest children are given more responsibility and

are expected to show their sibs the ropes, which builds brainpower.

Will this scenario play out in your family? Not so fast. Like all

studies, this one has limitations:

• The study's Norwegian -- maybe there's something special in the

lingonberries over there.

• The subjects were all male -- who knows if it's true for sisters?

• IQ numbers themselves aren't rock-solid. " Today's tests have a

surprising degree of error, " says Haselbauer, founder and

president of the International High IQ Society. A score of 110, he

says, means that your true score is probably between 105 and 115. And

older IQ tests were even less precise than modern ones. " Since the

Norwegian study used data as old as 1967, I'd say that trying to find

meaning in the three-point gap it found could be nothing more than a

wild goose chase, " Haselbauer says.

• While small differences like the ones this study found are

important spread across the entire population, they're likely next to

meaningless within a family. Remember that the averages for everyone

in this study -- firstborn and last -- were well within the normal

range.

Seeing past stereotypes

Does birth order affect children in other ways, shaping

personalities, interests, and futures? Some experts believe it does,

and in some cases there's intriguing, though inconclusive, evidence.

But many factors, from genes to life in the womb, influence how your

child turns out, so it's a mistake to attribute large effects to a

subtle factor like the order in which your child was born. Here's

what you may have heard, and how to use the information to your

advantage.

Firstborns

Eldest children, it's commonly claimed, are natural leaders and

problem solvers, with strong organizational and reasoning skills.

There's no study comparable to the Norwegian one to back this up, but

it's gained a lot of currency because it has the appearance of logic.

Twenty-one of the first twenty-three American astronauts were

firstborns, and they're well represented among scholars and

university professors, says Leman, Ph.D., author of " The Birth

Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are. "

Firstborns are also sometimes said to be better at relating to adults

than to other kids, since they're so used to interacting with their

parents.

What to do: Nothing. The best advice -- for parenting any child -- is

not to let any theories pigeonhole your child's personality. You need

to help him be the best version of who he naturally is, not what you

might have read he should be.

That said, older kids often do have a lot of responsibility thrown at

them ( " Get your brother for me, would you? " " Can you help your sister

with her socks? " ). So remember to ease up sometimes, and don't expect

your firstborn to be a third parent to his younger sibs -- a huge

responsibility for any young child. And when he misbehaves, give him

consequences but spare him the " you need to set an example for your

little sister " speech. No one needs a guilt trip like that.

Middle children

Middle kids are said to be great negotiators and peacemakers, with

laid-back attitudes and a love of socializing. As such, they're

thought to be natural schmoozers and consensus builders when they

grow up. According to Dunlap, Ph.D., a birth-order--theory

expert and professor of psychology at Marist College in Poughkeepsie,

New York, they're the most likely to move far from home once they

grow up, partly because they're seeking a clear identity after having

spent their early years sandwiched between sibs.

Some middle kids suffer from the firstborn's long shadow, and because

of it, it's said, are prone to rebelliousness and competitiveness.

What to do: Go out of your way to make your middle child feel

noticed. Display as many pictures of her as you do of your first and

hang her artwork on the fridge just as often. Ask her what she thinks

about that book you just read or the newest Webkinz -- then listen to

her opinions. And give her some of the responsibilities you usually

automatically give to her older sib, says Connellan, Ph.D.,

author of " Bringing Out the Best in Others: 3 Keys for Business

Leaders, Educators, Coaches and Parents. " Let her be the one to hold

the money for the movie tickets for a change.

Last children

Last-borns have the most experienced parents, of course. But how does

it affect them? Leman and Connellan (as well as a host of nonexperts)

say they're the least likely to be disciplined, perhaps because Mom

and Dad are by then too laid-back --or worn down -- to freak over

every infraction. Popular wisdom also has it that youngest kids are

doted on, and because of it become adept at wrapping people around

their little fingers and clowning to get attention.

There are drawbacks to being perceived as a loosely supervised

charmer, however. Youngest children may suffer from other people's

assumptions that they are spoiled, stubborn, and manipulative.

What to do: Although your youngest's antics may seem especially cute,

since she's so adorably little compared with her bigger sibs, she

needs limits as much as they do. Hold her responsible for her

actions, whether it's making sure she cleans up her toys or

says " sorry " when she's been fresh to a friend. Make sure she gets

her share of chores, as well as her chance to occasionally choose

which movie the family watches or what dessert you'll serve. Most

important: Whether she was born first or last, just let her be

herself.