18, divorce, yelling, own time

[Guest guest]

I will tell you truthfully that I have quit seeing young therapists who wanted me to take more time for myself. I don't think that is a reality when we are caretakers of autism kids. . . I do think explaining to the people in your life who need to know what life is like for you, and your child(ren), is a valuable use of your time. . . because sometimes outsiders just don't " get " it. With the NT preteen, I might say, " You can have more of my attention when you don't set off your brother. . . " Same for a husband, ie behavioral therapy-- like, you help me in this way, I can give us more time for the two of us later. Be more relaxed, and able to focus on you. .. The thing about the preteen is that she also, having lots of hormonal fluctations going on some days, will feel the household unspoken issues and tensions more intensely; and may also be seeking a way to talk about what's going on. . . Mine, having autism, in those years, arranged barbies. And while I did something else, I could ask her leading questions that helped her put into words what she was feeling in the house. (One of her more insightful, funny stories was arranging the barbies with a ken around her barbie pool. And in the story, when " I " came home, I found that though we'd " moved away " -- we were preparing to-- her undiagnosed, untreated, dysfunctional asperger's father, had followed us, founded us, and we came home to him having broken in, eating out of our frig, and enjoying the " pool. " Had shown the pool off to girls from around the neighborhood and invited them in, even! She was expressing fear though we'd finally manage to move out of town to a good job, he'd still follow us and take advantge of us.)

Regarding yelling, one of the worst times I had was that Fawn disappeared my jump drive with most of my book files on it, which I'd stopped backing up on harddrive, under pressure. All the revisions and additions for about a 6 week period. I was so outraged, I could hardly speak. I was so thankful to all our whole team of therapists, who helped maneuver me back into a loving, forgiving, understanding autism mother space. . . . which helps our family function better.

And regarding your 18 year old's choices to go with her uncaring dad, my heart goes out to you. You are the one who has made sure of every little thing she needed for many years. . . . I know caring parents, father very involved, that realize when the mother had to have some kind of female surgery, if something happened in that family to the mother, the father would be lost trying to arrange and manage the schedule, therapists, myriad of details. For me, I've been meaning to write a manual about Fawn's care for some time. And I can't get it done! I did make a calendar with all the therapists names, appointment dates, and phone numbers. . . since we work so hard to find only the best ones for her to go to, and then go thru all the appointments, testing, etc, to see if they are in fact good with her. . .

I would suggest you try. .. to appear neutral.. . in addressing it with your daughter. And on the side, create as much of a " manual " as you can about what works, what is needed, what has to be done when. She will likely find she has to take that on, because her dad won't. Whatever you're in the position to do, prepay. Like prepay the pharmacist for prescriptions. Make the details as minimal as possible, and what has to be paid when. Not fair, I know. . . but what about being an autism parent is?

Then, for yourself, see if you can find a therapist who you believe truly understands. I and Fawn have gone 5 years to one who has a special abilities child herself, albeit not autism. So she treats us respectfully and compassionately. I found when Fawn was hitting around 18, and moved from an autism boyfriend (with family accompanying dates) to higher functioning, I began to experience quite a bit of separation. (And I started out very independent before her, had to learn to be giving enough to her!) I got emotional very easily, could cry easily. And the bodyworker I used for pain relief, when i finally said, I don't know what's going on, said you're experiencing what will be about a 2 year period of intense emotional work separating from Fawn. It was good to be able to put a handle on it. And for you, it's complicated also by the divorce & custody, not just good stuff.

I am amazed the number of parents whose children don't choose to spend time with them, being they are more " regular " kids, after leaving home. If I was in that position-- Fawn will always need me, though-- I would do whatever it took to maintain a friendship, so that they felt they could be accepted and come home as needed. There is so much hardship in the world these days.

Nina

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Nina Forest

autismlearning@...