Calling all Moms.... what would you do?

[Guest guest]

I could really use advice from mom's, love, hugs, prayers, support, similar

stories.... what ever you've got! We need it!

Here is our story (sorry, including the letter this is son long!!)

After 3 IEP meetings, my 6.5 yr old son with Aspergers finally started services

at public school. There few services we got were vague as they are trying

different things to see what works for him. Most of the services apply to the

classroom and not specifically for my son - but hey, if the other kiddos could

benefit from it as well then I still fought for a good cause, right? One of

those services was a classroom aide from 9:30- 12:30 but with special attention

given to my son during morning and lunch recess (remember my son, the one that

was suspended for pulling his pants down?) also he has trouble in line, having

to be first and refusing to get off the swings etc.

So I wasn't aware when the aide would start - of course they don't have to give

me that information >insert sarcasim here< But apparently she started on Tues.

On Wed. my son had difficulty not wanting to go to school - somewhat normal for

him but he was more resistant, more whiney. But off he goes while I assure him

all the way - " we are talking with some adults to help figure out ways for your

school days to be better, more fun. Be patient, good things are coming " . I

barely have myself convinced but I will show him my optimism. At the end of the

day when I went to pick him up, a parent stopped me and asked if my son was

Okay. He told me he witness a woman he had never seen before wrestle a ball away

from my son. Luke was crying and this parent tried to step in to help.... I had

a meeting with the principal right away but she felt this parent was over

exagerating and that the aide and another teacher felt it was handled

apropriately... uh huh - what ever. Here is the letter I sent this morning after

a weekend of worry and tears and fears.

Dear Mrs. Pincipal, cc Directer of Special Ed (her sidekick) and the IEP team:

Thank you for taking the time on Friday, February 11, 2011, to discuss to events

that had occurred between Luke and the Classroom Aide, Mrs. Narlock and to hear

my concerns. Below is a recap of our conversation and again our concerns.

On Thursday, Feb. 10th, I was told by another parent that he witnessed a woman

on the playground pratically wrestle Luke to the ground and struggle to get a

ball out of his hands. He said she was aggressive and forceful and that he

wouldn't want his child treated like that. He was not aware of who this woman

was but was concerned for Luke and tried to get involved in order to help calm

him down but Luke was extremely upset and unable to calm down. Later I was able

to determine the woman was the classroom aide Mrs. Narlock.

You explained to me that Luke approached the kids playing kickball and he

grabbed the ball because he wanted to play with it. Mrs. Narlock told you it

happened quickly but she thought she should take the ball from Luke to return it

to the kids. There was a struggle to get it away, somehow it happened that the

ball landed in Mrs. Cameron's hands and she put the ball away. You stated both

Mrs. Cameron and Mrs. Narlock felt the situation wasn't significant and was

handled appropriately and that Luke needed to learn that he couldn't do that. I

said that the only thing this taught Luke was that it was okay to grab a ball,

not communicate about it first and he wasn't given the opportunity to make a

good choice also the aide missed a valuable teaching opportunity.

I am surprised that Mrs. Cameron and Mrs. Narlock both felt that the situation

was handled appropriately and that Mrs. Narlock didn't feel it was a

significant. I am certain that any mother of any child, even without a

disability would find it signicant. I also know Luke finds it significant

because he tells us that he was hurt and scared and been reluctant to return to

school and has begun having bathroom accidents again. A sure sign of stress.

You said Mrs. Cameron explained to the kids that sometimes Luke hears things

differently, or doesn't hear things the same way we do. While I agreed this is a

nice way to explain Luke's differences, I began to wonder who she was explaining

that to (I believe you said - the other kids) and why did she feel the need to

explain that... was it necessary for the kids who saw this happen as a way to

reasure them everything was okay? Because they were concerned of what they saw?

So perhaps it was more significant. And did anyone think of explaining it to

Luke what was happening?

You told me about another incident that happened in the classroom. Luke wanted

to draw on his reward chart but Mrs. Narlock didn't think he should - worrying

that she may get in trouble if she allowed him to or that Luke would get in

trouble for doing so. You said that she was probably worried because she was new

and wanted to make sure she did the right thing. She continued to chose power

struggles instead of effective techniques when dealing with children. Also I am

deeply concerned that she didn't have the same concerns for her job when she

chose physical force with him on the playground. Things don't add up here. I

worry that it was her natural instict to use physical force instead of taking

the time to talk and rationalize. It is extremely difficult to change a persons

mentality. I worry that this will happen again.

When I spoke to the substitute teacher she was not aware of this incident but

said that Luke's behavior escalated after morning recess and that he had a

really rough day. We were told that Mrs. Narlock has " extensive " experience with

children on the Spectrum yet in three incidents, she reacted to Luke's behavior

in a way gauranteed to exacerbate it and escalate the situation. So they tried

to take Luke to see Ed Gigliotti but it was Ed's day off so instead he stayed in

the classroom for lunch alone with the aide. This should not have happened for

many reasons which I probably don't need to explain to you.

Another important thing to mention is that Friday morning Luke was extremely

reluctant to go to school. I sat down with him talk about his worries and while

doing so I noticed a scratch on his chin. After several attempts to get him to

talk about it he finally said that Mrs. Narlock scratched him. He wanted to play

with dominoes but Mrs. Narlock wouldn't let him...she took it away and he got

scratched in the process. Why didn't Mrs. Narlock notify someone about the

incident when she scratched him? He said he cried and wanted a band aide but

when I asked why he didn't get one he just kept saying he didn't know.

We feel the relationship between Luke and the aide has been ruined before it was

even established. It will take a lot for him to learn not to be scared of her,

to trust her and to feel safe at school when she is present. He will with most

certainty behave negatively towards her in future situations.