yipes

[Guest guest]

Maybe it would help to lay it out. I go to court over my son

Tomorrow. Usually I have the feeling that I am heading to a planned

excecution(my own) It is over my son. Ravi has made some great gains

and the courts view on unsupervised visitation every other week might

actually be doable (ordered in sept) never occured, but could grow on

me if ex could wait maybe 3 more months. ( I had pleaded with my ex not

to ask me to leave during visits, or to include his GF, so I could be

sure Ravi was safe. She never showed and I was not asked to leave)

I supplemented the visits(added more time) I sent him reports had Ravi

make phone calls, and included him in everything Ravi. What he said or

did. I wanted to make Ravi's protection important to my EX.

I tried to stress that Ravi needed consistancy, relability. To not

scare him with words. My ex always makes open ended statements in

Ravi's earshot that confuse him and set up that things aren't stable.

This is the real reason for my wanting to supervise(my ex doesn't think

of the impact of his words) their ability to damage

My ex, left 1 month after dx. He didn't see Ravi for as many as 10

months at a time. During those months I treated my son, got him on a

dietary intervention and in the last 3 years he has improved by my

concerted efforts (thank-you Raven I have to own up to being the

driving force to my son's progress)

I told my ex I wouldn't argue the unsupervised visits and they could

occur if he could wait just a bit longer. I wanted to know what to

expect tomorrow. He said we would discuss it. He doesn't have time to

talk to me, he's too busy.(those words frighten me, I work so hard to

make my son ready for each new step. There is no being unprepared)My

ex knows that I don't like Ravi being threatened by his ambiguity.

2 weeks ago he darted out of a plaza shop(his dad's) I hadn't seen

this behavior for some time. I ran like my life depended on it(because

to me it DID) My ex didn't move, didn't follow me out. He shows no

ability or judgement. I am not saying that I am not a cautious parent

I am, I have to be. The court doesn't want to micromanage my divorce

but what happens to the child?? I put a lot of pressue on myself to be

superhuman but that is borne out of need. I keep thinking why am I the

only person that understands the ramifications? I compensate for my

ex, because my son's pays when I don't.

All this and the graduate degree I am seeking to be accepted to is for

speech and language pathology. I admit that I require fiancial aide.

A loan would even be great but the process is backward. Sign up, be

accepted pay and then we will give you a loan if you can get a letter

from the department head. I am still pursuing this, but it seems

crazily out of reach. I kind of got royally twisted in my divorce.

(somehow I get the privilage of carring my ex's business loan with my

house. He pays me back with 20 years to do so at a fixed rate, while

my own mortgage is variable. I actually pay for him to be in business,

meanwhile I avoid welfare, am on food stamps, SSI, and Mass Health.

Graduate school would guarentee a job and a teaching certificate.

Anyway that is the source of my stress. (my family has money that they

gamble with and spend losing on the stock market. Tens of Thousands

literally, and 2,500 for me to go to school is not something they can

do. I am just venting thanks for listening.