Re: my life (OT)

April 19, 2000

*HUG* *HUG* *HUG*

I wanted to write you last night, you have been on my mind soo much,

(my home PC was playing up)

Nothing is wrong with you, but you are bottling your feelings up.

Please give yourself permission to cry, I gladly give you my permission

to cry, if fact I want you too, I want you to talk to us.

Am I right that you've injured your knee?, if this is disrupting you

routines,

causing you pain and restricting you from doing workout and things to

help you deal with this, it will make everything seem many times worse

without you even realising it.

Janet is right, it is a loss and there are stages of mourning that you will

feel,

but unlike true mourning YOU WILL SEE YOUR SON again - hold that thought

tightly in your heart, focus on what a great time you'll have when you see

him.

If it helps keep some kind of journal or notes on how you are feeling, it

helped

me when I was in despair. If you can't write for yourself then you might

want

to write them for your son, for when he grows up so he will be able to

understand

how precious he is to you, that you would go through so much for him to have

the best possible life. Eventually you might throw them away (like I did) or

keep them.

Please believe me when I say that you will get through this

You CAN do it. I got through my own life traumas and I know you can get

through this.

I didn't cry for a long time, and still don't much but I can, and sometimes

still

need to lock my door and rage against the world, wallow in self -pity or

just 'get off

the world' for a while. I know it will work through and rarely need to do

that now,

but I will if I need to.

I think you need to find someone at work that you can talk to about this.

This is a personal issue, and NOT directly related to what you do so I'm

sure that if they are informed your job should not be at risk.

If anything they should want to get help for you, to get you back focused on

your work,

that's in their best interest AND yours.

, I'm just one of a lot of people here who care about you, and I want

to see

photo's of you and you son together when you see him next! *HUG* *HUG* *HUG*

Jill

who knows if I'd had children from my marriage I would have had to do the

same thing

<<Thank you. I appreciate your help. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I

have not reall cried since my son left. I mean really cried. I think that

i

have convinced myself that they are coming back. I am thinking about asking

my son's father to come back. I miss my son so very much, but I have not

even cried. what is wrong with me? I odn't know what is wrong with me. I

need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't know what to do. I

wish sometimes that I was not even around. I wish that I did not even

exist.

I wish that i could disappear.

>>

April 19, 2000

Honeybear wrote:

>

> > I miss my son so very much, but I have not

> > even cried. what is wrong with me? I odn't know what is wrong with me.

> I

> > need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't know what to do.

> I

> > wish sometimes that I was not even around. I wish that I did not even

> exist.

> > I wish that i could disappear.

>

> , my initial thoughts were to suggest that you reconsider some of your

decisions; that you think about whether your present career is that important to

you that it is worth putting yourself through such pain; whether you would be

happier in the long run changing careers so you would have time with your son;

whether you would be happier moving near (but certainly not with) your son's

husband to be near your son and finding work there. BUT, these are very serious

decisions with life-long consequences. To make those kinds of decisions you

have to be clear headed. You aren't now because you are so depressed and in

shock. Also, at least for me, decisions like that should be made only after

long talks with loved ones and people who are there for you (not just email

friends). That's why I highly recommend that you see a counselor at your base

or outside of your base (get a recommendation from your doctor or call one of

those doctor services in the yellow pages). For th!

e moment, push your concerns about privacy and your security clearance, ... ,

aside and just do it. You and your son are more important than any security

clearance or career. If you run into problems down the line because you sought

help, we can try to help you with legal advise, ... . Please don't let those

concerns prevent you from going on with your life now. Get some help, find

someone to talk to, reevaluate your life decisions, and then you'll be in a much

better state of mind to make decisions. Do it today, please.

Elena

April 19, 2000

,

Your denying your emotions and that's extremely dangerous.

I know, I've done it my entire life and I've just recently

been able to open the vault a little.

I know you don't want to really feel these things and they

are scary but you need to try and release them anyway you

can.

I read a message from on the board and her idea is

very good about renting sad movies and taking some down

time. You can do that privately and it may seem silly or

unrelated to what you're going through but the main point

here is to get it out because it will burn you up from the

inside. Just try it please.

Do you even have a doctor you could talk to and explain

that your are suffering from an intense depression?

Maybe they could suggest something. I know you're worried

about your job and I know about the stigma with depressive

illnesses but you need to remember that there are different

kinds of depression and one kind is based on certain events

in your life and having trouble dealing with them and it's

treatable and temporary. I wish I could remember the exact

term. Sorry.

I looked for some support & help sites that you maybe can

find some comfort and help.

http://www.webhealing.com/

http://rivendell.org/

http://www.grief-recovery.com/

http://home.vicnet.net.au/~nalgvic/

Please keep talking here! I know I've said a lot and given

you these links but I really want to hear what you've got

to say and give you an open heart that will be here to

listen whenever you need to talk.

Take care

Judie

--- Honeybear3899@... wrote:

> In a message dated 4/18/00 8:51:05 AM Hawaiian Standard

> Time,

> sheba2000_us@... writes:

>

> << Please try to get help anyway you can and keep talking

> here.

> I'll do some research and see if I can find/think up

> spome

> way for you to get some help without your job being

> involved. Maybe something internet based? I'll let you

> know

> what I find out.

> I'll be praying for you.

> >>

> Thank you. I appreciate your help. I don't know what is

> wrong with me. I

> have not reall cried since my son left. I mean really

> cried. I think that i

> have convinced myself that they are coming back. I am

> thinking about asking

> my son's father to come back. I miss my son so very

> much, but I have not

> even cried. what is wrong with me? I odn't know what is

> wrong with me. I

> need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't

> know what to do. I

> wish sometimes that I was not even around. I wish that I

> did not even exist.

> I wish that i could disappear.

>

__________________________________________________

April 19, 2000

> Thank you. I appreciate your help. I don't know what is wrong

with

> me. I have not reall cried since my son left. I mean really

cried.

> I think that i have convinced myself that they are coming back. I

> am

> thinking about asking my son's father to come back. I miss my son

so

> very much, but I have not even cried. what is wrong with me? I

> odn't know what is wrong with me. I need help, but I don't know

how

> to ask for it. I don't know what to do. I wish sometimes that I

> was

> not even around. I wish that I did not even exist.

> I wish that i could disappear.

>

> Dear !

> I Khow what is wrong with you.

> You are Depressed!

> I Have a Feeling that after you Decided your son would be better

Off

> with his Daddy,You went into Auto-pilot...Thought How Much better

his

> Life would be,How much Better -or Hassle free-Yours would be

without

> His Daddy(who If I remember Rightly was really stressing you

> out?),and

> forgive me if this sounds Patronising--You Concentrated on what a

> GREAT Person you was for doing this!

> After all,We were all saying so!

> and it IS STILL TRUE!IT IS ATOTALLY UNSELFISH ACT!

>

> HOWEVER! You should be in MOURNING !

>

> if you had lost a Son,Or Mother,Or any member of your family

through

> death-would you expected to Function At 100%?

> would You be expected to Get on with a New Partner? go out and Get

on

> with your Job?

> Act as though You had Just Sorted out and cast Aside a Nuisance?

> Would your New Partner Not Be there,But also Give you some space?

> would he Not appreciate that what had happened would have a MAJOR

> Affect on you-Physically ,mentally and Emotionally?

> Wouldn't he be Waiting for you,Patiently,to Grieve--how ever long

> that

> Process took?

> I cannot say What i would do in Your Situation!

> I know I would probably be Trying to get along--Saying bravely to

> everyone when they asked how I was Coping- " Oh! It hurts BUT It is

all

> For the best you Know? " when Really! Deep down I would be sceaming

> out- " How The ***k Do you think I feel-I feel Crap,I Hurt,I feel like

> a

> Lousy Mum,I hate You,I hate Everyone,I want my Baby Back-and What

The

> ***K has It got to do with you anyway? "

> Whatever The RIGHT Reasons-Whatever anyone sAYS-YOU Are Grieving.

> You NEED To Cry.

> You NEED To scream !

> You NEED To Let your partner(new) Know EXACTLY What you feel-That

It

> is going too fast for now-That You Are Haivng doubts about the

> decision you made...Is He Old enough to Deal With this?

> Or does he think-Well! You made the right decision,so Deal With It!

>

> I don't know what The military have to do with this-I am Presuming

> you

> work for it!

> Whatever! What sort of service is it that saysd you have to

> Deal with this On your own?

> You say you cannot go into it! BUT! SURELY You can approach A

Senior

> Officer and ask for advice?

> What Will happen if you don't ?

> You Surely Realise you are Heading for a Breakdown if you don't

seek

> help!???

> Gosh! I am sorry If I sound Harsh--I am ACHING For you----REALLY I

am!

> I REALLY FEEL You NEED A Good Hug!

> please go and seek someone out!

> I FULLY Appriciate The Worry you must feel of your employers

Finding

> out you are Depressed and Stressed and Anxious,But what other

option

> do you have?

> People are not generally Sympathetic IMO-BUT! This is sooooo

> Differant.

> please Find someone to Deal with this with you!

>

> Regarding your Ex and son--Do you have to Live so far away?

> Can you Not get stationed Nearer To Him?

> I don't know quite how this all works there?and I hope I

haven't " put

> a spanner in the works " Suggesting it!

> Anyhow! I don't know what else to say!

> I hope I haven't made you feel worse!

> I hope I have made a Differance--ALL I Am trying to see is GRIEVE

> ,MOURN For your Son--you are in shock! In Denial about it

> all--and who Can Blame you!

> You have acted like the 2 Women In The Bible--who argued over Whose

> son the child was!

> King Herod Suggested They Chop him in 1/2...One woman Agreed,The

> Other

> said- " No! She can Take him! " and Herod Found the REAL Mother!

> You are The REAL Mother --You Spared your Child so that you

> would Suffer!

>

> God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change,

> Courage to change those things I can,

> And Wisdom to know the differance.

>

> Please Be Strong --

> God Bless

> Janet.

> Who Once Made a Commitment to God,and Was Fully Baptised in Water

and

> The Spirit,But has Only Believed instead Of " walked " for a Long

time

> Now,BUT! Who Is Feeling like God is Talking to me tonight and will

go

> and Pray For to Find the right words,and do the Right thing

> for her and her Son.

Janet,

I don't think anyone could have said it better than that!

,

I hope you continue to find support here on the boards, but I agree

with Janet, you need professional help too. I don't necessarily mean

counseling either, although that would probably be a good idea. I

mean that you need to find another alternative for you and your son.

Do you have a senior officer that you are close to that you could go

to for help? I don't know what branch of the military you are in or

how long you are in for. Can you tell us? Also, why couldn't the

father have stayed off base, in the same area? why did he go to Ohio?

I don't know what else to say, except that I have 2 little ones of my

own and I can imagine the pain that you are in.

Angie M

April 19, 2000

In a message dated 4/19/00 7:18:39 AM Hawaiian Standard Time,

angmullins93@... writes:

<< Also, why couldn't the

father have stayed off base, in the same area? why did he go to Ohio?

>>

His mom needed him...she is going through some stuff, and he had to be there

for her. I am in the Navy, and i don't trust any senior officers

here...there is too much beauracracy. I am planning to see a shrink soon as

long as it doesn't affect work.

April 20, 2000

Now, not only am I having tremendous feelings of guilt, I am beginnin to

believe that I should not be with my current boyfriend. I have no idea how

to go about straightening my life out. I am planning to go to a shrink next

week. I have realizd that I cannot get through this without help, and my

chaplain said that i would not lose my clearance or my job....let's hope and

pray that is true. So I am going to get professional help, and I have been

doing my Tae Bo, and my knee is not getting any better, so I have been

modifying.

I weighed in for my monthly check for remedial pt, and I gained seven pounds,

but i lost 2% bodyfat. Go figure. So I am doing ok, but I am frustrated

that I am not losing any more weight. Later all.

April 20, 2000

In a message dated 4/20/00 11:50:11 AM Hawaiian Standard Time,

slowens@... writes:

<< Hang in there, ! Things will get better....I promise you

>>

Thank you so much , and all who have been so supportive. I know hat I

shouldn't be ina relationship now, but I don't want to hurt him,a nd I want

us to have a chance, but i odn't know if I should even be with him. He loves

me, but i don't know how I feel about him. All I know is that I have a

million issues that I have to sort out before I can really let myself commit

to a relationship. He doesn't understand that, I don't think. I try to

explain, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't know why I have these feelings of

guilt even though his daughter lives on the mainland with his ex-wife, and he

is unable to see her either. But he can't get it. I tell him that it is

different cuz I am a mom, but that sounds so sexist, though I think it is

true. He did not carry his daughter in him and feel her grow and kick and

hiccup like I carried my son...for all the guys, I am sorry if this sounds

sexist. But I just miss him so much. It is like a very important part of me

is gone..like one of my arms, or legs is missing, you know? Like I can't

function cuz this essential part of me is gone, and i can't get it back. I

don't know what to do. I am so afraid that going to a shrink is going to

affect my job, and future prospects for jobs when I get out that I reticent

to go even though I know very well that I need to go. I know that I need

help, I just don't know how to ask for it...

Thanks for listening.

April 20, 2000

> So I am going to get professional help, and I have been

> doing my Tae Bo, and my knee is not getting any better, so I have been

> modifying.

>

,

I am so glad you are going to get help! I think that will help you

tremendously in trying to deal with all of your emotions right now! You are

going through so much right now, it just might not be the time for a new

relationship. Don't feel bad about that. If it was truly meant to be, then

things will work out. Just take care of you for now! It's going to take

all your energy to get yourself back into the groove and you need to focus

on that right now! Congratulations on the drop in body fat! That is

awesome! Don't worry about the weight....it will come off and obviously if

you've dropped body fat...you're doing something right!

Hang in there, ! Things will get better....I promise you

April 20, 2000