Re: my life (OT)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/17/00 10:58:04 AM Hawaiian Standard Time,

sheba2000_us@... writes:

<< I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It sounds like your

situation didn't leave you an easy or painless choice and

you made the best one you could with your son's best

interest at heart.

You should be proud of yourself for a such a selfless and

loving decision.

>>

I am just afraid that I made the wrong decision. I can't just take it back

if I did. I don't know what to do. I feel so horrible. I just...I don't

know. Wish that I could turn back time and change it all!

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/17/00 4:37:04 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

Honeybear3899@... writes:

<< ..I can't stop

crying...I have been having some very disturbing thoughts

lately.............Thanks for listening! >>

,

What kind of disturbing thoughts are you having? Is there someone you can

talk to about all of this? Maybe a counselor of some kind? The decision you

made, no matter how much better it was for your son, must have been

devastating for you. You are grieving right now and it may help you get

through it to talk to someone. I don't know anything about the military, but

is there a chaplain or someone you could go to? Email me anytime if you need

to talk. Hang in there. Things will get better.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/17/00 4:37:04 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

Honeybear3899@... writes:

<< ..I can't stop

crying...I have been having some very disturbing thoughts

lately.............Thanks for listening! >>

,

What kind of disturbing thoughts are you having? Is there someone you can

talk to about all of this? Maybe a counselor of some kind? The decision you

made, no matter how much better it was for your son, must have been

devastating for you. You are grieving right now and it may help you get

through it to talk to someone. I don't know anything about the military, but

is there a chaplain or someone you could go to? Email me anytime if you need

to talk. Hang in there. Things will get better.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/17/00 11:48:46 AM Hawaiian Standard Time,

Agaw12577@... writes:

<< ,

What kind of disturbing thoughts are you having? Is there someone you can

talk to about all of this? Maybe a counselor of some kind? The decision you

made, no matter how much better it was for your son, must have been

devastating for you. You are grieving right now and it may help you get

through it to talk to someone. I don't know anything about the military, but

is there a chaplain or someone you could go to? Email me anytime if you need

to talk. Hang in there. Things will get better.

>>

I have talked to the Chaplain about it...and I am thinking about getting

counseling through my church...but I am afraid that I will lose my job. I

have been thinking very melancholy lately, and I can't seem to stop. This

decision was the most devastating thing that I have ever done, and now I

regret it immensely. I know that I was not a great mother in the first

place, but I love my son with all of my heart, and I miss him so much.

[Guest guest]

I want to thank everyone for their support. I cannot help but turn on

myself. I have become very self-destructive since he has left. My new

boyfriend and I are just getting too serious too fast. He wants too much out

of me, and I cannot give it to him. I love him very much, but I cannot make

any kind of serious commitment to him until I resolve all of he issues that I

am facing right now. I know that living with my son's father was just

driving me nuts, and I know that no one should have to live like that, but I

just want my son to be happy. He seems to be happy now, in Ohio with his

family, and he doesn't seem to miss me. I am just afraid that he will forget

me because he is so young. He is only 13 months old. I don't want him to

forget his mommy, and I will not live with him until he is almost 4 1/2 or 5.

That is so long to wait. I want to be with him again. Now. Thank you all

for listening to me. I appreciate all the support.

[Guest guest]

,

You are in all of our hearts and prayers I am sure, you and your son are

certainly in mine everyday. Everytime I read one of you letters I wish so

badly that I could do more to help you than be on the recieving end of your

letters. I am glad to hear that you are considering counseling, it is

important that you take the best care of yourself right now so that your son

will realize what a strong and caring mother he has. I just wanted you to

know that you have one more open ear if you need to vent or share a story.

-Jenn

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It sounds like your

situation didn't leave you an easy or painless choice and

you made the best one you could with your son's best

interest at heart.

You should be proud of yourself for a such a selfless and

loving decision.

Take care,

Judie

--- Honeybear3899@... wrote:

> Well, a new twist to the soap opera of my life. You all

> know that I kicked

> my son's father out of my house and he moved to Ohio with

> our son for my

> don't own good. I feel like such a horrible person for

> kicking him out. If

> I hadn't, I would still have my son with me. I hate

> myself for it, and this

> is causing problems for me and my new boyfriend. We are

> now taking a " break "

> from each other for a week. I wish so much that I had

> not sent my son back.

> But it was in his best interests, but if I hadn't kicked

> his dad out...Bu his

> dad was driving me nuts...but now I regret it so much...I

> can't stop

> crying...I have been having some very disturbing thoughts

>

> lately.............Thanks for listening!

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I think it's natural to wonder if you've made the right

decision when the outcome is so painful. I don't know too

much about your circumstances but I do know you cannot live

with someone that makes you crazy. In the long run it could

of affected you child's life and you protected his life but

unfortunately, the outcome has made your's more difficult.

Hang in there and please write whenever you feel like you

need a shoulder.

I wish I could help more.

Judie

--- Honeybear3899@... wrote:

> In a message dated 4/17/00 10:58:04 AM Hawaiian Standard

> Time,

> sheba2000_us@... writes:

>

> << I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It sounds like your

> situation didn't leave you an easy or painless choice

> and

> you made the best one you could with your son's best

> interest at heart.

> You should be proud of yourself for a such a selfless

> and

> loving decision.

> >>

> I am just afraid that I made the wrong decision. I can't

> just take it back

> if I did. I don't know what to do. I feel so horrible.

> I just...I don't

> know. Wish that I could turn back time and change it

> all!

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> Well, a new twist to the soap opera of my life. You all know that

I kicked

> my son's father out of my house and he moved to Ohio with our son

for my

> don't own good. I feel like such a horrible person for kicking him

out. If

> I hadn't, I would still have my son with me. I hate myself for it,

and this

> is causing problems for me and my new boyfriend. We are now taking

a " break "

> from each other for a week. I wish so much that I had not sent my

son back.

> But it was in his best interests, but if I hadn't kicked his dad

out...Bu his

> dad was driving me nuts...but now I regret it so much...I can't

stop

> crying...I have been having some very disturbing thoughts

> lately.............Thanks for listening!

,

Sounds like you are really confused. I feel so bad for you about your

son. That has to be the most difficult thing in the world. Wasn't

there anyway that the baby's dad could have stayed in your area so

you could share custody? I hope our new boyfriend if supportive of

you in this difficult time. You certainly don't need any grief from

him.

Take care

Angie M

>

>

[Guest guest]

<snip> I hate myself for it, and this is causing problems for me and

my new boyfriend. We are now taking a " break " from each other for a

week. I wish so much that I had not sent my son back

Honeybear,

Please don't ever say that you hate yourself! Don't even allow the

word " hate " into your head! Just put up a little gate guard and when

the nasty word (or other hateful thoughts) approach the gate, you

gently deflect them away. Don't allow them in to take root! You made

a wonderfully unselfish decision in the best interest of your child

and that's where you should be focusing. Take responsibility for your

own thoughts and just refuse to allow the hateful ones to creep in.

I think it's probably for the best for you to take a little break from

a new boyfriend right now. You need some time to adjust; some time to

cry it out and rage against the unfairness of life. Just don't turn

the rage inward on yourself! Spend some time alone. Write letters to

your son. Write letters to everyone you love. Catch up on your sleep.

Do your Tae-bo (sitting down until your knee heals). Do something

wonderful for yourself. You deserve it. In the meantime, find

someone there nearby to talk to and pour out your heart to. In a few

days, when you settle down, approach your boyfriend and work through

some things with him. The only thing you have right now is time. Use

it to heal. Love yourself and you'll be setting a good example for

your son to follow.

LV, who is amazed at the depth of a mother's love

sss, stya and rtl

[Guest guest]

Honeybear3899@... wrote:

>

> Well, a new twist to the soap opera of my life. You all know that I kicked

> my son's father out of my house and he moved to Ohio with our son for my

> don't own good. I feel like such a horrible person for kicking him out. If

> I hadn't, I would still have my son with me. I hate myself for it, and this

> is causing problems for me and my new boyfriend. We are now taking a " break "

> from each other for a week. I wish so much that I had not sent my son back.

> But it was in his best interests, but if I hadn't kicked his dad out...Bu his

> dad was driving me nuts...but now I regret it so much...I can't stop

> crying...I have been having some very disturbing thoughts

> lately.............Thanks for listening!

>

> , as noted, you are grieving a terrible loss right now. You

made the right decision even though it doesn't feel like it now. This feeling

of loss will pass with time but I imagine it feels horrible right now.

Understandably your relationship with your boyfriend is under stress. He

probably blames himself. Keep talking here and, I agree with , try to

find a counselor or minister to talk to at the base. You are going through a

very, very tough time now and need all the support you can get.

Elena

[Guest guest]

> I have been having some very disturbing thoughts

> lately.............Thanks for listening!

,

First of all, what kind of disturbing thoughts are you having? I urge you

to find someone to talk to so you can try and resolve some of those

feelings. It is only natural to second guess your decision because you are

missing your son and wonder if there is anything else you could have done so

that he would still be with you. But, you have to know in your heart that

you did the right thing. You could not conceivably continue living with

your son's father. It wasn't healthy for you or your son (especially if you

weren't getting along with his father). So, you did what was best for your

son. Unfortunately doing that meant that he could no longer be with you.

Right now, you are angry, you are hurting and you are incredibly sad.

That's a lot of emotion to deal with, but the only way through it is to feel

all of them. So, go ahead and cry....go ahead and be angry at the injustice

of it all.....go ahead and scream at the top of your lungs if you have to.

But, please don't ever doubt yourself or the decision you made. You are an

incredible mother. Please know that. I won't say it will get easier with

time, but the pain will not be as intense and you will be able to carry on.

Please feel free to come here anytime you need some extra support. But,

please also seek out someone to talk to who is there with you. It will help

you to work through your emotions if you can talk to somebody who will be

supportive of you and your decision.

whose heart breaks for and all that she is going through

[Guest guest]

,

I know what you are saying when you say that you are

having " destructive thoughts. " Not your job...nor your relationship

with your boyfriend...nor anything(!)...is worth your life!!!!!

Plese get help...NOW!!! While I'm not sure you are truly as alone as

you describe, you sound way too isolated, and I'm scared for you.

I'm also not sure that your job would be at as much risk as you think

by seeking professional help. I, and many of my social work

colleagues, have been therapists to military folks, and none of them

have been ousted due to their seeking help to overcome their

problems! Please promise us that you won't do anything to place

yourself in harm's way. Promise us, please, that you will seek help

immediately. While you can't turn back the hands of time, you can

gradually forge changes for yourself that will create a better

future...for you, your relationship with your child, your career, and

for your relationship with your manfriend.

I think any of us here would be devastated by what you are

experiencing. Please reach out to us as often as you need...don't

hold back.

{{{{hugs}}}}

F

> I want to thank everyone for their support. I cannot help but

turn on

> myself. I have become very self-destructive since he has left. My

new

> boyfriend and I are just getting too serious too fast. He wants

too much out

> of me, and I cannot give it to him. I love him very much, but I

cannot make

> any kind of serious commitment to him until I resolve all of he

issues that I

> am facing right now. I know that living with my son's father was

just

> driving me nuts, and I know that no one should have to live like

that, but I

> just want my son to be happy. He seems to be happy now, in Ohio

with his

> family, and he doesn't seem to miss me. I am just afraid that he

will forget

> me because he is so young. He is only 13 months old. I don't want

him to

> forget his mommy, and I will not live with him until he is almost 4

1/2 or 5.

> That is so long to wait. I want to be with him again. Now.

Thank you all

> for listening to me. I appreciate all the support.

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I know what you are saying when you say that you are

having " destructive thoughts. " Not your job...nor your relationship

with your boyfriend...nor anything(!)...is worth your life!!!!!

Plese get help...NOW!!! While I'm not sure you are truly as alone as

you describe, you sound way too isolated, and I'm scared for you.

I'm also not sure that your job would be at as much risk as you think

by seeking professional help. I, and many of my social work

colleagues, have been therapists to military folks, and none of them

have been ousted due to their seeking help to overcome their

problems! Please promise us that you won't do anything to place

yourself in harm's way. Promise us, please, that you will seek help

immediately. While you can't turn back the hands of time, you can

gradually forge changes for yourself that will create a better

future...for you, your relationship with your child, your career, and

for your relationship with your manfriend.

I think any of us here would be devastated by what you are

experiencing. Please reach out to us as often as you need...don't

hold back.

{{{{hugs}}}}

F

> I want to thank everyone for their support. I cannot help but

turn on

> myself. I have become very self-destructive since he has left. My

new

> boyfriend and I are just getting too serious too fast. He wants

too much out

> of me, and I cannot give it to him. I love him very much, but I

cannot make

> any kind of serious commitment to him until I resolve all of he

issues that I

> am facing right now. I know that living with my son's father was

just

> driving me nuts, and I know that no one should have to live like

that, but I

> just want my son to be happy. He seems to be happy now, in Ohio

with his

> family, and he doesn't seem to miss me. I am just afraid that he

will forget

> me because he is so young. He is only 13 months old. I don't want

him to

> forget his mommy, and I will not live with him until he is almost 4

1/2 or 5.

> That is so long to wait. I want to be with him again. Now.

Thank you all

> for listening to me. I appreciate all the support.

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/17/00 6:00:07 PM Hawaiian Standard Time,

srferron@... writes:

<< I, and many of my social work

colleagues, have been therapists to military folks, and none of them

have been ousted due to their seeking help to overcome their

problems! >>

I understand that, but they probably were not in the field that I am in. I

am not really allowed to talk about it too much, but I hold a clearance, and

I am afraid of losing it.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/18/00 8:51:05 AM Hawaiian Standard Time,

sheba2000_us@... writes:

<< Please try to get help anyway you can and keep talking

here.

I'll do some research and see if I can find/think up spome

way for you to get some help without your job being

involved. Maybe something internet based? I'll let you know

what I find out.

I'll be praying for you.

>>

Thank you. I appreciate your help. I don't know what is wrong with me. I

have not reall cried since my son left. I mean really cried. I think that i

have convinced myself that they are coming back. I am thinking about asking

my son's father to come back. I miss my son so very much, but I have not

even cried. what is wrong with me? I odn't know what is wrong with me. I

need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't know what to do. I

wish sometimes that I was not even around. I wish that I did not even exist.

I wish that i could disappear.

[Guest guest]

,

Keep your decisions about your son and his dad seperate form the events that

affect you and your boyfrind right now. You did the right thing by getting him

out of the house. Since the relationship was over it was not healthy for either

of you to be around each other constantly...in the end that means not healthy

for your son. You are undr a lot of stress right now and you relationship with

this guy is still relatively new. Stress does funny things to relationships and

often its not good in the beggining. So I think maybe it is good for you to

have some alone time. For the first time in a while the focus needs to be and

should be on you. Pamper yourself. Build up your strenghth and rid yourself of

the unneccesary guilt that you are carrying on your shoulders.

We will be here for you. you have a whole big group of people who think you did

the right thing, so you must have...now turn to us whenever you need some good

words or advice

Love,

> Well, a new twist to the soap opera of my life. You all know that I kicked

> my son's father out of my house and he moved to Ohio with our son for my

> don't own good. I feel like such a horrible person for kicking him out. If

> I hadn't, I would still have my son with me. I hate myself for it, and this

> is causing problems for me and my new boyfriend. We are now taking a " break "

> from each other for a week. I wish so much that I had not sent my son back.

> But it was in his best interests, but if I hadn't kicked his dad out...Bu his

> dad was driving me nuts...but now I regret it so much...I can't stop

> crying...I have been having some very disturbing thoughts

> lately.............Thanks for listening!

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

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>

> As Deb has said: " Fitness is a journey and it begins with the first step. "

>

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>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Please try to get help anyway you can and keep talking

here.

I'll do some research and see if I can find/think up spome

way for you to get some help without your job being

involved. Maybe something internet based? I'll let you know

what I find out.

I'll be praying for you.

Judie

--- Honeybear3899@... wrote:

> In a message dated 4/17/00 6:00:07 PM Hawaiian Standard

> Time,

> srferron@... writes:

>

> << I, and many of my social work

> colleagues, have been therapists to military folks, and

> none of them

> have been ousted due to their seeking help to overcome

> their

> problems! >>

> I understand that, but they probably were not in the

> field that I am in. I

> am not really allowed to talk about it too much, but I

> hold a clearance, and

> I am afraid of losing it.

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your support. To answer a few questions, no I cannot get

stationed any nearer my son. I could get out, but I don't know how I would

support myself and my son, so I have to stay in. I cannot get formal

counseling (psychiatrist) through the military because I would lose my

clearance, and subsequently my job. I have been talking to friends. My new

boyfriend is VERy understanding about my needing space, and is giving me

space, and a shoulder if I need it...he has been through this too with his

daughter (though it is never the same, you know). I am working about

cross-rating into another job (possibly recruiting), but that will not happen

for another year, approzimately. If I can suck this up for a year, I should

be able to get closer to him. I am going to see him in August, and then

again at Christmas again. I still hate myself, and cannot stop feeling bad

and guilty. I know I need to mourn and such, but that would mean accepting

that he is not coming back, and I do not feel ready to give up on that

fantasy yet...yes it is not healthy, but it is the only thing that has kept

me sane. He has not even been gone for two whole weeks and it already feels

like a year. Thanks for listening....

who still has not cried.

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your support. To answer a few questions, no I cannot get

stationed any nearer my son. I could get out, but I don't know how I would

support myself and my son, so I have to stay in. I cannot get formal

counseling (psychiatrist) through the military because I would lose my

clearance, and subsequently my job. I have been talking to friends. My new

boyfriend is VERy understanding about my needing space, and is giving me

space, and a shoulder if I need it...he has been through this too with his

daughter (though it is never the same, you know). I am working about

cross-rating into another job (possibly recruiting), but that will not happen

for another year, approzimately. If I can suck this up for a year, I should

be able to get closer to him. I am going to see him in August, and then

again at Christmas again. I still hate myself, and cannot stop feeling bad

and guilty. I know I need to mourn and such, but that would mean accepting

that he is not coming back, and I do not feel ready to give up on that

fantasy yet...yes it is not healthy, but it is the only thing that has kept

me sane. He has not even been gone for two whole weeks and it already feels

like a year. Thanks for listening....

who still has not cried.

[Guest guest]

In tae-bo_onegroups, Honeybear3899@a... wrote:

Thank you. I appreciate your help. I don't know what is wrong with

me. I have not reall cried since my son left. I mean really cried.

I think that i have convinced myself that they are coming back. I

am

thinking about asking my son's father to come back. I miss my son so

very much, but I have not even cried. what is wrong with me? I

odn't know what is wrong with me. I need help, but I don't know how

to ask for it. I don't know what to do. I wish sometimes that I

was

not even around. I wish that I did not even exist.

I wish that i could disappear.

Dear !

I Khow what is wrong with you.

You are Depressed!

I Have a Feeling that after you Decided your son would be better Off

with his Daddy,You went into Auto-pilot...Thought How Much better his

Life would be,How much Better -or Hassle free-Yours would be without

His Daddy(who If I remember Rightly was really stressing you

out?),and

forgive me if this sounds Patronising--You Concentrated on what a

GREAT Person you was for doing this!

After all,We were all saying so!

and it IS STILL TRUE!IT IS ATOTALLY UNSELFISH ACT!

HOWEVER! You should be in MOURNING !

if you had lost a Son,Or Mother,Or any member of your family through

death-would you expected to Function At 100%?

would You be expected to Get on with a New Partner? go out and Get on

with your Job?

Act as though You had Just Sorted out and cast Aside a Nuisance?

Would your New Partner Not Be there,But also Give you some space?

would he Not appreciate that what had happened would have a MAJOR

Affect on you-Physically ,mentally and Emotionally?

Wouldn't he be Waiting for you,Patiently,to Grieve--how ever long

that

Process took?

I cannot say What i would do in Your Situation!

I know I would probably be Trying to get along--Saying bravely to

everyone when they asked how I was Coping- " Oh! It hurts BUT It is all

For the best you Know? " when Really! Deep down I would be sceaming

out- " How The ***k Do you think I feel-I feel Crap,I Hurt,I feel like

a

Lousy Mum,I hate You,I hate Everyone,I want my Baby Back-and What The

***K has It got to do with you anyway? "

Whatever The RIGHT Reasons-Whatever anyone sAYS-YOU Are Grieving.

You NEED To Cry.

You NEED To scream !

You NEED To Let your partner(new) Know EXACTLY What you feel-That It

is going too fast for now-That You Are Haivng doubts about the

decision you made...Is He Old enough to Deal With this?

Or does he think-Well! You made the right decision,so Deal With It!

I don't know what The military have to do with this-I am Presuming

you

work for it!

Whatever! What sort of service is it that saysd you have to

Deal with this On your own?

You say you cannot go into it! BUT! SURELY You can approach A Senior

Officer and ask for advice?

What Will happen if you don't ?

You Surely Realise you are Heading for a Breakdown if you don't seek

help!???

Gosh! I am sorry If I sound Harsh--I am ACHING For you----REALLY I am!

I REALLY FEEL You NEED A Good Hug!

please go and seek someone out!

I FULLY Appriciate The Worry you must feel of your employers Finding

out you are Depressed and Stressed and Anxious,But what other option

do you have?

People are not generally Sympathetic IMO-BUT! This is sooooo

Differant.

please Find someone to Deal with this with you!

Regarding your Ex and son--Do you have to Live so far away?

Can you Not get stationed Nearer To Him?

I don't know quite how this all works there?and I hope I haven't " put

a spanner in the works " Suggesting it!

Anyhow! I don't know what else to say!

I hope I haven't made you feel worse!

I hope I have made a Differance--ALL I Am trying to see is GRIEVE

,MOURN For your Son--you are in shock! In Denial about it

all--and who Can Blame you!

You have acted like the 2 Women In The Bible--who argued over Whose

son the child was!

King Herod Suggested They Chop him in 1/2...One woman Agreed,The

Other

said- " No! She can Take him! " and Herod Found the REAL Mother!

You are The REAL Mother --You Spared your Child so that you

would Suffer!

God Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change those things I can,

And Wisdom to know the differance.

Please Be Strong --

God Bless

Janet.

Who Once Made a Commitment to God,and Was Fully Baptised in Water and

The Spirit,But has Only Believed instead Of " walked " for a Long time

Now,BUT! Who Is Feeling like God is Talking to me tonight and will go

and Pray For to Find the right words,and do the Right thing

for her and her Son.

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

You need to cry. Sometimes our bodies don't cooperate and we can't

cry on demand. When my Dad died in August 1989, I couldn't cry at

all. For days and days I felt like I'd explode. I could rage all I

wanted. I burst into hysterical laughter at things no one else

thought were funny. I lived a little bit separated from my self for a

while (that feeling of being able to see outside of your self???),

like I was a wooden doll and could see through tiny eye holes (my

psychologist must have had a field day with that relevation).

Anyway, a few months later (New Year's Eve), I made sure I was alone.

I rented sad movies. I got a bottle of wine and I had a good long

talk with my Dad. Out loud. The rage came out. Turned into tears.

Turned into huge, gaspings sobs that terrified all the animals (7 cats

and 3 dogs -- not all mine). Then I layed on the floor with my animal

friends and just sobbed it out (almost like hiccups) for hours. I

thought I wasn't going to be able to stop it. Then it eased up and I

slept for about a day and a half. For the next few days, I was

weepy. I made it though.

For several years, I'd take any chance I would get to cry --movies,

funerals, weddings, arguments. I think I'm past it now. The point

is, you'll find what you need inside yourself to cry it out and then

you'll get better. You'll need your strength for your son.

LV, who wishes that didn't live so darn far away from

everyone

SSS, STYA, JTYA, and RTL

[Guest guest]

> I miss my son so very much, but I have not

> even cried. what is wrong with me? I odn't know what is wrong with me.

I

> need help, but I don't know how to ask for it. I don't know what to do.

I

> wish sometimes that I was not even around. I wish that I did not even

exist.

> I wish that i could disappear.

,

You are depressed. You are also in a state of shock right now. I'd venture

to say that's one of the reason's you haven't been able to cry yet. You are

going through the motions of living right now because you have lost the most

important person in your life. It's ok to feel sad, hurt, angry,

upset...all of those are very normal reactions to what you are going

through. When you say " I wish sometimes I was not even around " and " I wish

I did not exist " I have to ask you to reach deep down inside of you and

think about your son for a minute. How would he feel if you weren't around?

How would he feel if you disappeared? I know it's hard right now to even

make it through the day and you probably can't even imagine it ever getting

any better, but it will. And your son needs you to be around. He needs to

know his mommy loves him and would do anything for him. When he gets a

little older he will understand why you aren't living with him and his

daddy. He will understand that he has a mommy who loves him so much she

made the most difficult decision she would ever have to make. He will know

how much you love him and he will look forward to the times when you come

visit him and he will look forward to talking to you on the phone. And he

will thank you for giving him the best possible life he could have.

But....YOU HAVE TO BE AROUND for him to know that. Please, please, please

talk to someone who can help you. It is not worth sacrificing your health

or trying to deal with this all on your own. In the end, you have to take

care of yourself.....whatever that involves. You are such a strong, brave

person and you are an incredible mom. I know you don't believe that right

now, but it's the truth. Please take care of yourself, . Not only

for you, but for your precious baby boy. And remember we are all here for

you anytime you need someone to listen.

who wishes there was something more she could do for

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/18/00 5:44:33 PM Hawaiian Standard Time,

cbmueller@... writes:

<< So what if

you can no longer be a Tagalog linguist? You can be an analyst, an

interpreter (please don't tell me that there is only one duty station

for Tagalog linguists. People don't do a 20 year career in one duty

station.) >>

There are only two duty stations for Tag lings. Ft. Meade land and

Hawaii. And they will not let me transfer now. If I wanted to get out I

probably could, but I need the job for now. Thanks for all of your advice!

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Forgive me for being a little bit stern here. Your life is SO much

more important that your JOB! I used to be in the Army and my husband

is a retired First Sergeant. Listen to me closely here:

The Army will not automatically take your clearance away from you

because you seek counseling. Security clearances (I used to work

special security) are granted based on your background and continued

good conduct. If you are abusing alcohol or drugs, acting excessively

promisciously, susceptible to blackmail, psychotic, etc. They will

review your clearance and take appropriate action to protect national

security.

They WILL NOT TAKE YOUR CLEARANCE for seeking help. They may suspend

your access pending investigation, but the army does not have the

authority to revoke a clearance. Clearances are granted by CCF and

the guidelines are clearly spelled out. The worst that can happen is

that you see a counselor and are temporarily reassigned, give yourself

a chance to heal and then go back to work. The best that can happen

is that you get to see a counselor, give yourself a chance to heal

while continuing to do your job. If you don't believe me, read the

regulations.

Do yourself a favor and quit listening to the same people at work who

are giving you this line of bull. There is NO shame in asking for

help. There is NO shame in needing help. YOU NEED HELP. So what if

you can no longer be a Tagalog linguist? You can be an analyst, an

interpreter (please don't tell me that there is only one duty station

for Tagalog linguists. People don't do a 20 year career in one duty

station.)

Yes, you might lose your plumb assignment, but YOUR HEALTH IS AT RISK.

YOUR LIFE IS AT RISK! If you no longer care about yourself, then

start caring about the mother of your child. DO NOT let yourself

slide any further!

LV, who is two steps away from calling the red cross to see if

she can't get some help

SSS, STYA, JTYA, and RTL