Re: About Love WAS: moderation

[Guest guest]

>Hello Raven and everyone,

Raven said :

>The heart decides who it will love and the head decides how it will

>love.

My problem is that my love is not believed. This is because of the

combination of the NT's theory of who can love who, and the ambiguity of the

word " love " , especially its sexual meaning.

I am sure that if they could look into my head and know my feelings, they

would be very happy to help me be with the ones I love. The ones I love

certainly would accept it, but they are surrounded by guards who are afraid

of me.

Zylon

[Guest guest]

Zylon wrote: " ... <snip> ... I am sure that if they could look into

my head and know my feelings, they would be very happy to help me be

with the ones I love. The ones I love certainly would accept it, but

they are surrounded by guards who are afraid of me. "

Two adults can love each other if this is what they wish. Who is

keeping you away from the one(s) you love? I'm afraid that I am

having trouble understanding what you are saying. Do you mean that

you are emotionally attached to someone who is incarcerated? And why

would guards be afraid of you?

Raven

[Guest guest]

You wrote: 'This is because of the combination of the NT's theory of

who can love who, and the ambiguity of the word 'love', especially

its sexual meaning'.

Do you mean by 'the NT's theory who can love who' the juridical laws?

I was just wandering that and thought about - for example - the law

that protects children from sexual abuse, against pedophily. Although

that might probably be a NT-made law, I wouldn't know if Aspies would

have made a different law about that.

Just wandering out loud.

>

> >Hello Raven and everyone,

> Raven said :

> >The heart decides who it will love and the head decides how it will

> >love.

>

> My problem is that my love is not believed. This is because of the

> combination of the NT's theory of who can love who, and the

ambiguity of the

> word " love " , especially its sexual meaning.

> I am sure that if they could look into my head and know my

feelings, they

> would be very happy to help me be with the ones I love. The ones I

love

> certainly would accept it, but they are surrounded by guards who

are afraid

> of me.

>

> Zylon

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Raven,

Raven said:Two adults can love each other if this is what they wish. Who is

>keeping you away from the one(s) you love? I'm afraid that I am

>having trouble understanding what you are saying. Do you mean that

>you are emotionally attached to someone who is incarcerated? And why

>would guards be afraid of you?

Zylon's Reply: Several years ago, when I was a 35 year old, strong, healthy,

intelligent-looking man, I met a 22 year old semi-retarded

vulnerable-looking epileptic girl named " " . She had therapists and

group-home workers looking out for her, her guardians. was lonely; no

one really cared about her except me. My love for her was instinctive and

unconditional; a true " love at first sight " . But any attempt to befriend

her would be blocked by the guardians, who thought I wanted to take sexual

advantage of her do to the unfortunate fact of our age-gender match and her

vulnerability and child-like mind. I do not even have a sex instinct; my

sexuality is the same as it was when I was 6 yrs old. But there is no way

the guardians could know this.

Fortunately for the relationship, was hospitalized often for the

seizures. The hospital staff did not know that I was a " stranger " , and

was too desperate for friendship to ban me from hospital visits. It

was there that learned that I was her friend, that I loved her with a

warm, close, intimate but entirely non-sexual love. (She wanted it to be

sexual, but eventually gave up; I do not posess the sex instinct). The

hospital staff would comment how wonderful it was for me to visit ;

they would call me things like " the best support system they ever saw " . But

neither the hospital staff nor herself could figure out what the

relationship was. It was too warm and intense to be just a friend, but too

non-sexual to be a boyfriend (e.g. no kissing). There were times when they

assumed that I was her father, and , who never knew her father,

sometimes was convinced that I was her father. It was probably at these

times that the relationship was free to show itself for what it really

was..I instinctively love people of a certain type, certain looks and

personality, as close and real as a mother with her baby, and totaly

non-sexual. Whatever it is, I had it completely before I was 7 years old. It

has nothing to do with post-pubescent boy-girl stuff, nor is it an adult

need to be parental. I also had a powerful empathy with her; I was very

sensitive to how she felt.

died of a seizure 6 years ago when I was not with her. I could always

handle her seizures.

There is a lot of love in me for those I instinctively love, but as this

instinct formed before I was 7, and I did not change psychologically since

7, it can only be for child-like females, which guardians do not trust

strangers like me with. When I see them, my heart shatters.

Zylon

[Guest guest]

Hello Raven,

Raven said:Two adults can love each other if this is what they wish. Who is

>keeping you away from the one(s) you love? I'm afraid that I am

>having trouble understanding what you are saying. Do you mean that

>you are emotionally attached to someone who is incarcerated? And why

>would guards be afraid of you?

Zylon's Reply: Several years ago, when I was a 35 year old, strong, healthy,

intelligent-looking man, I met a 22 year old semi-retarded

vulnerable-looking epileptic girl named " " . She had therapists and

group-home workers looking out for her, her guardians. was lonely; no

one really cared about her except me. My love for her was instinctive and

unconditional; a true " love at first sight " . But any attempt to befriend

her would be blocked by the guardians, who thought I wanted to take sexual

advantage of her do to the unfortunate fact of our age-gender match and her

vulnerability and child-like mind. I do not even have a sex instinct; my

sexuality is the same as it was when I was 6 yrs old. But there is no way

the guardians could know this.

Fortunately for the relationship, was hospitalized often for the

seizures. The hospital staff did not know that I was a " stranger " , and

was too desperate for friendship to ban me from hospital visits. It

was there that learned that I was her friend, that I loved her with a

warm, close, intimate but entirely non-sexual love. (She wanted it to be

sexual, but eventually gave up; I do not posess the sex instinct). The

hospital staff would comment how wonderful it was for me to visit ;

they would call me things like " the best support system they ever saw " . But

neither the hospital staff nor herself could figure out what the

relationship was. It was too warm and intense to be just a friend, but too

non-sexual to be a boyfriend (e.g. no kissing). There were times when they

assumed that I was her father, and , who never knew her father,

sometimes was convinced that I was her father. It was probably at these

times that the relationship was free to show itself for what it really

was..I instinctively love people of a certain type, certain looks and

personality, as close and real as a mother with her baby, and totaly

non-sexual. Whatever it is, I had it completely before I was 7 years old. It

has nothing to do with post-pubescent boy-girl stuff, nor is it an adult

need to be parental. I also had a powerful empathy with her; I was very

sensitive to how she felt.

died of a seizure 6 years ago when I was not with her. I could always

handle her seizures.

There is a lot of love in me for those I instinctively love, but as this

instinct formed before I was 7, and I did not change psychologically since

7, it can only be for child-like females, which guardians do not trust

strangers like me with. When I see them, my heart shatters.

Zylon

[Guest guest]

Hello Yarahui,

No I did not mean judicial laws, I meant what people are willing to believe.

Of course, if they believe the wrong thing, you could get accused of

something bad that you did not do.

Did you ever hear of the Salem Witch Trials of 1692? 20 innocent people were

sentenced to death because people believed that anyone who acted abnormal,

or who was a recluce, was a dangerous witch and had to be destroyed.

Zylon

Re: About Love WAS: moderation

>You wrote: 'This is because of the combination of the NT's theory of

>who can love who, and the ambiguity of the word 'love', especially

>its sexual meaning'.

>

>Do you mean by 'the NT's theory who can love who' the juridical laws?

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Yarahui,

No I did not mean judicial laws, I meant what people are willing to believe.

Of course, if they believe the wrong thing, you could get accused of

something bad that you did not do.

Did you ever hear of the Salem Witch Trials of 1692? 20 innocent people were

sentenced to death because people believed that anyone who acted abnormal,

or who was a recluce, was a dangerous witch and had to be destroyed.

Zylon

Re: About Love WAS: moderation

>You wrote: 'This is because of the combination of the NT's theory of

>who can love who, and the ambiguity of the word 'love', especially

>its sexual meaning'.

>

>Do you mean by 'the NT's theory who can love who' the juridical laws?

>

[Guest guest]

'This is because of the combination of the NT's theory

of

> who can love who, and the ambiguity of the word 'love', especially

> its sexual meaning'.

>

> Do you mean by 'the NT's theory who can love who' the juridical

laws?

>

> I was just wandering that and thought about - for example - the

law

> that protects children from sexual abuse, against pedophily.

Although

> that might probably be a NT-made law, I wouldn't know if Aspies

would

> have made a different law about that.

>

> Just wandering out loud.

I think the laws protecting children from sexual abuse and pedophily

are necessary and important laws.

Raven

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry to hear that your passed away 6 years ago and

that the workers at the home were unable to understand and accept that

you truly loved her. And just because you did not have sexual

feelings for her does not say to me that you are arrested at 7 years

of age. It says to me that you respected her needs more than her

wants. To me, that is the true nature of love ... respecting

another's needs over their wants.

Raven

Zylon's Reply: Several years ago, when I was a 35 year old, strong,

healthy,

> intelligent-looking man, I met a 22 year old semi-retarded

> vulnerable-looking epileptic girl named " " . She had therapists

and

> group-home workers looking out for her, her guardians. was

lonely; no

> one really cared about her except me ... <snip> ...

[Guest guest]

I found that sad and very touching at the same time.

I think I can relate to this instinct of loving without sexuality,

sometimes I find myself loving people without any trace of sexuality -

either sex too. I often find myself attracted to older people, not

in a sexual way, but what I class as little old dears - the ones that

have a light in their eyes - they have so much wisdom the world would

cast away and it hurts me to see them lonely and unloved and not

appreciated for the wonderful people they are - I am often sad we

live in such a throw away society that does not see the worth and

wonderfullness in certain people that society deems as cast

aways/rejects and misfits :-(

>

> Hello Raven,

>

> Raven said:Two adults can love each other if this is what they

wish. Who is

> >keeping you away from the one(s) you love? I'm afraid that I am

> >having trouble understanding what you are saying. Do you mean that

> >you are emotionally attached to someone who is incarcerated? And

why

> >would guards be afraid of you?

>

>

> Zylon's Reply: Several years ago, when I was a 35 year old, strong,

healthy,

> intelligent-looking man, I met a 22 year old semi-retarded

> vulnerable-looking epileptic girl named " " . She had

therapists and

> group-home workers looking out for her, her guardians. was

lonely; no

> one really cared about her except me. My love for her was

instinctive and

> unconditional; a true " love at first sight " . But any attempt to

befriend

> her would be blocked by the guardians, who thought I wanted to take

sexual

> advantage of her do to the unfortunate fact of our age-gender match

and her

> vulnerability and child-like mind. I do not even have a sex

instinct; my

> sexuality is the same as it was when I was 6 yrs old. But there is

no way

> the guardians could know this.

> Fortunately for the relationship, was hospitalized often for

the

> seizures. The hospital staff did not know that I was a " stranger " ,

and

> was too desperate for friendship to ban me from hospital

visits. It

> was there that learned that I was her friend, that I loved

her with a

> warm, close, intimate but entirely non-sexual love. (She wanted it

to be

> sexual, but eventually gave up; I do not posess the sex instinct).

The

> hospital staff would comment how wonderful it was for me to visit

;

> they would call me things like " the best support system they ever

saw " . But

> neither the hospital staff nor herself could figure out what

the

> relationship was. It was too warm and intense to be just a friend,

but too

> non-sexual to be a boyfriend (e.g. no kissing). There were times

when they

> assumed that I was her father, and , who never knew her

father,

> sometimes was convinced that I was her father. It was probably at

these

> times that the relationship was free to show itself for what it

really

> was..I instinctively love people of a certain type, certain looks

and

> personality, as close and real as a mother with her baby, and totaly

> non-sexual. Whatever it is, I had it completely before I was 7

years old. It

> has nothing to do with post-pubescent boy-girl stuff, nor is it an

adult

> need to be parental. I also had a powerful empathy with her; I was

very

> sensitive to how she felt.

> died of a seizure 6 years ago when I was not with her. I

could always

> handle her seizures.

> There is a lot of love in me for those I instinctively love, but as

this

> instinct formed before I was 7, and I did not change

psychologically since

> 7, it can only be for child-like females, which guardians do not

trust

> strangers like me with. When I see them, my heart shatters.

>

> Zylon

>

[Guest guest]

Ditto, for me more than ditto. I am most often a calm rational person

but as Tom had said some issues are taboo for an individual. Children

and elders are my buttons. I have and will more than go to bat for

children I don't know if there are for any reason in my care. And that

will and has made me quite irrational threatening and scary. By the

viewpoint of the attacker. This has once extended to my pets. It has

also allowed me to save the lives of a few people

[Guest guest]

We live in a world that assumes that if someone's body is wrinkled,

old and failing, then their mind and memories must also be in a

similar state. The most valuable resource we have is old people

because they have a lifetime of experiences upon which to formulate

and dispense wisdom.

Yet we assume we know better and ignore them. This is why you see

generation after generation havng to learn from their mistakes. If

they had learned from their elders in the first place, many of those

mistakes need not have occured.

Tom

Administrator

" I often find myself attracted to older people, not in a sexual way,

but what I class as little old dears - the ones that have a light in

their eyes - they have so much wisdom the world would cast away and it

hurts me to see them lonely and unloved and not appreciated for the

wonderful people they are - I am often sad we live in such a throw

away society that does not see the worth and wonderfullness in certain

people that society deems as cast aways/rejects and misfits :-( "

[Guest guest]

Hello Raven and everyone,

Raven said: ...just because you did not have sexual >feelings for her does not say to me that you are arrested at 7 years >of age. It says to me that you respected her needs more than her >wants. To me, that is the true nature of love ... respecting >another's needs over their wants.

Zylon replies: . Although I did respect her very much, that had nothing to do with the lack of sexual interest. I have no sexual interest in anyone. I have no sex instinct, at least not as human adults know it.. I have tried; it is totaly alien to me. And the arrest at 7 is more than just sex instinct.

This lack of sex instinct and arrest at 7 must also be a part of my condition, and I have never read this to be associated with AS.

Zylon

[Guest guest]

" I have no sexual interest in anyone. I have no sex instinct, at

least not as human adults know it.. I have tried; it is totaly alien

to me. And the arrest at 7 is more than just sex instinct.

This lack of sex instinct and arrest at 7 must also be a part of my

condition, and I have never read this to be associated with AS. "

Au contraire...

Asexuality (lack on interest in sex) is not uncommon among Aspies.

Look here:

December 05, 2004

The Sunday Times, Style magazine

No sex, please! I'm asexual

by Leah Hardy

They're out and proud: they don't want to have sex but insist that

they're normal. Now more and more people are coming out as asexual.

Is this the new era of A-pride?

As a society, we used to be hung up on sex. Sex was a mark of how

successful we were as human beings; it defined the way we dressed

and how we were portrayed (think of the alpha-female, sexual-

predator type of woman in car adverts). But as if to confirm that

this chapter is coming to an end, a growing number of people have

completely opted out of the sexual arena. There is a small but

increasingly vocal minority of men and women who have never wanted

to have sex with anyone. Researchers have only recently noticed a

previously overlooked nugget in a 1994 survey of Britain's sexual

habits. Of the 8,000 people surveyed, 1% claimed they had never felt

sexually attracted to anyone — in the UK as a whole, that amounts to

about half a million people.

These people are now so open about what they describe as their

asexuality, that there is even a website (www.asexuality.org)

devoted to them, with a forum in which they cheerfully discuss their

lack of desire and their irritation at the view that they must all

be sick, lonely or desperate. They include women such as a

Kripps, who is fit, healthy and in her thirties. " I have a

nonexistent sex drive, " she says. " I have no physical or mental

illness. I've just never been interested in sex. But that doesn't

mean I need a cure or a treatment — as far as I'm concerned, I'm

normal. "

But can a nonexistent sex drive be described as totally normal?

After all, isn't sex a biological imperative, like eating? " Sex

drive is a very variable thing, " says the psychologist

Hodson. " There are a few utterly normal folk who never want much —

if any — sex, and also a few utterly normal folk who want sex 15

times a day. Most of the rest fall somewhere between the two. "

However, asexuality doesn't necessarily mean having no sex drive.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (Aven) defines asexuals

as those who never feel the desire to commit to having sex with

others. While some never experience sexual desire at all, others

feel aroused from time to time — sometimes to their irritation — but

simply don't want to have sex with other people.

This does not mean that they are lifelong loners or virgins. Plenty

of asexuals lead " normal " lives, and have relationships, happy

marriages and even children. Anne Hooper, an author and sex and

marital therapist, describes one such asexual woman she

encountered: " She was happily married and was a wonderful mother to

her children, but she simply did not have any sexual desire. Even

vibrators and sex therapy had no effect. "

So what makes someone asexual? The researcher who first noticed the

existence of this group of people is Professor F Bogaert,

who specialises in research into sexual behaviour. He discovered

factors that make asexuality more likely. He found that the biggest

single factor was gender — women are more than twice as likely to be

asexual as men. Poor health was another. Asexual women also started

puberty later and were more likely to be religious than sexual

women.

If you're confused, don't worry. Even Bogaert could only

conclude: " The results suggest that a number of pathways, both

biological and psychosocial, contribute to the development of

asexuality. "

Of course, some asexuals do have a physical or mental illness. There

is evidence that schizophrenia and depression can wipe out desire,

and sex phobias can also affect libido. One contributor to the

website says just hearing people talk about sex makes her physically

sick.

Sexual-aversion disorder (an intense dislike of sex) is another

problem, which can affect people who suffer from panic attacks.

Louise Fenton is one of them. " I was asked by a healthcare

professional earlier in the year if I had had any sexual experiences

or relationships, " she says. " When I answered `No', he looked at me

in disbelief and said, `What, not even kissing?' I replied I

couldn't see the attraction of having someone else's slobber all

over my face. "

Several members of Aven describe themselves as having Asperger's

syndrome, a mild form of autism. Asperger's can be associated with

sensory problems that make being touched seem intrusive or

intolerable.

There are various physical causes of asexuality, including illnesses

such as multiple sclerosis. According to Hooper, naturally low

testosterone levels can also be a cause, particularly in men.

In women, however, the picture is more complicated. Hooper says

that, even among those with a normal hormone profile, between 8% and

12% find it very difficult, if not impossible, to feel

aroused. " Even if they do feel slightly sexual, " she says, " they

can't reach orgasm, so they aren't very motivated to seek out a

sexual relationship. For some of these women, testosterone therapy

seems to increase desire, arousal and orgasm, but in others, it has

no effect. "

Hooper points to research by the Kinsey Institute in America, which

suggests that there are specific brain centres that control sex

drive: an exciter centre, which permits arousal, and an inhibitor,

which keeps it under control. " It may be that for some women, there

is more than one inhibitor, or that it may be overactive, " she says.

So what can these women do? " There are drugs that seem to work on

suppressing the inhibitor centres, allowing the brain to process

sexual sensation, " says Hooper. However, few women are ever

diagnosed with an overactive inhibitor, let alone given treatment.

And as Fiona Henley, a 40-year-old married mother of three, admits,

asexuals don't necessarily want treatment anyway.

" I could quite happily live the rest of my life without sex, " she

says. " I think there have been millions of marriages like mine

through history, but it's only recently that women have been

expected to be wives, mothers, have a great job and be sex

goddesses, too. " For now, Henley feels her lack of sex drive is

something to keep quiet about.

But that could all be changing. What is different about the new

breed of asexuals is that they are proud to say they are indifferent

to sex. And by defining asexuality not as a disorder but simply

another form of sexuality — alongside heterosexuality and

homosexuality — they are stating they are positively glad to be A.

[Guest guest]

There are people who are NT who are asexual just as there are people

who are AS who are asexual.

Raven

>

> Hello Raven and everyone,

>

> Raven said: ...just because you did not have sexual

> >feelings for her does not say to me that you are arrested at 7

years

> >of age. It says to me that you respected her needs more than her

> >wants. To me, that is the true nature of love ... respecting

> >another's needs over their wants.

>

> Zylon replies: . Although I did respect her very much, that had

nothing to do with the lack of sexual interest. I have no sexual

interest in anyone. I have no sex instinct, at least not as human

adults know it.. I have tried; it is totaly alien to me. And the

arrest at 7 is more than just sex instinct.

> This lack of sex instinct and arrest at 7 must also be a part of

my condition, and I have never read this to be associated with AS.

>

> Zylon

>

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

But there is a difference between what people (adults) mean by " non-sexual "

and what I mean by " non-sexual " . If you have a sex instinct, then

" non-sexual " refers to an elimination of something, such as " sexually

repulsive " , or some other type of non-inclusion. You did give a reason why

you like old people which has specificaly non-sexual features.

However, since I lack any hint of post-pubescent sexual instinct, it is not

the reason why I love who I love which is non-sexual, it is ME who is

non-sexual. The reasons I love who I love are direct, and not related to

anything good about them except direct attraction, as would be expected in a

sexual infatuation. When I was a child, people would perceive this as cute,

as " puppy love " which they assume would be sexual if I was older. However,

it was deeper than " puppy love " , and was too strong to be changed by

puberty. Also, other pre-sexual developments were also too strong in me as a

child to change, no matter how much pubescent hormones were produced. The

result is a total lack of the instinctual development we would call " sex

instinct " , and thus my love is probably best described more as

" sex-irrelevant " .

Zylon

Re: About Love WAS: moderation

>I found that sad and very touching at the same time.

>

>I think I can relate to this instinct of loving without sexuality,

>sometimes I find myself loving people without any trace of sexuality -

> either sex too. I often find myself attracted to older people, not

>in a sexual way, but what I class as little old dears - the ones that

>have a light in their eyes - they have so much wisdom the world would

>cast away and it hurts me to see them lonely and unloved and not

>appreciated for the wonderful people they are - I am often sad we

>live in such a throw away society that does not see the worth and

>wonderfullness in certain people that society deems as cast

>aways/rejects and misfits :-(

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Tom,

The problem here is that many things can come under the same name

" asexuality " .

What I lack are the specific instinctive behaviors of the sex instinct, all

of which are totally alien to me. They are disgusting to me the same way

that putting your finger up someone else's nose may be disgusting; there is

no special feeling one way or the other to specific pornographic images or

behaviors. It is not that I am avoiding it, or that I have some

psychological aversion to it; it is just not part of me; it never developed.

But saying I am without " sex instinct " does not mean that I cannot have

powerful attraction, bonding, love, affection, deep intimate feelings and

attachments. Note here how deep and intimate the maternal instinct is,

between a mother and her infant. But there is no orgasm or coitus there. I

have no " intimacy issues " cancelling out some repressed need, and I have

always been very affectionate..

Also, there is no lack of physical " libido " .. The lack of desire has nothing

to do a lack of physical ability. My orgasms are strong and plentiful since

age 6, but have nothing to do with my social needs. Since my entire

psychological makeup (i.e. brain) developed too fully by age 7, the

srongest hormones in all of pubertyville could not rewire my brain. Seven is

as far as I could go.

Zylon

Re: About Love WAS: moderation

" I have no sexual interest in anyone. I have no sex instinct, at

least not as human adults know it.. I have tried; it is totaly alien

to me. And the arrest at 7 is more than just sex instinct.

This lack of sex instinct and arrest at 7 must also be a part of my

condition, and I have never read this to be associated with AS. "

Au contraire...

Asexuality (lack on interest in sex) is not uncommon among Aspies.

Look here:

December 05, 2004

The Sunday Times, Style magazine

No sex, please! I'm asexual

by Leah Hardy

They're out and proud: they don't want to have sex but insist that

they're normal. Now more and more people are coming out as asexual.

Is this the new era of A-pride?

As a society, we used to be hung up on sex. Sex was a mark of how

successful we were as human beings; it defined the way we dressed

and how we were portrayed (think of the alpha-female, sexual-

predator type of woman in car adverts). But as if to confirm that

this chapter is coming to an end, a growing number of people have

completely opted out of the sexual arena. There is a small but

increasingly vocal minority of men and women who have never wanted

to have sex with anyone. Researchers have only recently noticed a

previously overlooked nugget in a 1994 survey of Britain's sexual

habits. Of the 8,000 people surveyed, 1% claimed they had never felt

sexually attracted to anyone — in the UK as a whole, that amounts to

about half a million people.

These people are now so open about what they describe as their

asexuality, that there is even a website (www.asexuality.org)

devoted to them, with a forum in which they cheerfully discuss their

lack of desire and their irritation at the view that they must all

be sick, lonely or desperate. They include women such as a

Kripps, who is fit, healthy and in her thirties. " I have a

nonexistent sex drive, " she says. " I have no physical or mental

illness. I've just never been interested in sex. But that doesn't

mean I need a cure or a treatment — as far as I'm concerned, I'm

normal. "

But can a nonexistent sex drive be described as totally normal?

After all, isn't sex a biological imperative, like eating? " Sex

drive is a very variable thing, " says the psychologist

Hodson. " There are a few utterly normal folk who never want much —

if any — sex, and also a few utterly normal folk who want sex 15

times a day. Most of the rest fall somewhere between the two. "

However, asexuality doesn't necessarily mean having no sex drive.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (Aven) defines asexuals

as those who never feel the desire to commit to having sex with

others. While some never experience sexual desire at all, others

feel aroused from time to time — sometimes to their irritation — but

simply don't want to have sex with other people.

This does not mean that they are lifelong loners or virgins. Plenty

of asexuals lead " normal " lives, and have relationships, happy

marriages and even children. Anne Hooper, an author and sex and

marital therapist, describes one such asexual woman she

encountered: " She was happily married and was a wonderful mother to

her children, but she simply did not have any sexual desire. Even

vibrators and sex therapy had no effect. "

So what makes someone asexual? The researcher who first noticed the

existence of this group of people is Professor F Bogaert,

who specialises in research into sexual behaviour. He discovered

factors that make asexuality more likely. He found that the biggest

single factor was gender — women are more than twice as likely to be

asexual as men. Poor health was another. Asexual women also started

puberty later and were more likely to be religious than sexual

women.

If you're confused, don't worry. Even Bogaert could only

conclude: " The results suggest that a number of pathways, both

biological and psychosocial, contribute to the development of

asexuality. "

Of course, some asexuals do have a physical or mental illness. There

is evidence that schizophrenia and depression can wipe out desire,

and sex phobias can also affect libido. One contributor to the

website says just hearing people talk about sex makes her physically

sick.

Sexual-aversion disorder (an intense dislike of sex) is another

problem, which can affect people who suffer from panic attacks.

Louise Fenton is one of them. " I was asked by a healthcare

professional earlier in the year if I had had any sexual experiences

or relationships, " she says. " When I answered `No', he looked at me

in disbelief and said, `What, not even kissing?' I replied I

couldn't see the attraction of having someone else's slobber all

over my face. "

Several members of Aven describe themselves as having Asperger's

syndrome, a mild form of autism. Asperger's can be associated with

sensory problems that make being touched seem intrusive or

intolerable.

There are various physical causes of asexuality, including illnesses

such as multiple sclerosis. According to Hooper, naturally low

testosterone levels can also be a cause, particularly in men.

In women, however, the picture is more complicated. Hooper says

that, even among those with a normal hormone profile, between 8% and

12% find it very difficult, if not impossible, to feel

aroused. " Even if they do feel slightly sexual, " she says, " they

can't reach orgasm, so they aren't very motivated to seek out a

sexual relationship. For some of these women, testosterone therapy

seems to increase desire, arousal and orgasm, but in others, it has

no effect. "

Hooper points to research by the Kinsey Institute in America, which

suggests that there are specific brain centres that control sex

drive: an exciter centre, which permits arousal, and an inhibitor,

which keeps it under control. " It may be that for some women, there

is more than one inhibitor, or that it may be overactive, " she says.

So what can these women do? " There are drugs that seem to work on

suppressing the inhibitor centres, allowing the brain to process

sexual sensation, " says Hooper. However, few women are ever

diagnosed with an overactive inhibitor, let alone given treatment.

And as Fiona Henley, a 40-year-old married mother of three, admits,

asexuals don't necessarily want treatment anyway.

" I could quite happily live the rest of my life without sex, " she

says. " I think there have been millions of marriages like mine

through history, but it's only recently that women have been

expected to be wives, mothers, have a great job and be sex

goddesses, too. " For now, Henley feels her lack of sex drive is

something to keep quiet about.

But that could all be changing. What is different about the new

breed of asexuals is that they are proud to say they are indifferent

to sex. And by defining asexuality not as a disorder but simply

another form of sexuality — alongside heterosexuality and

homosexuality — they are stating they are positively glad to be A.

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