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Is there anything that you might like but would never allow yourself to

buy? I think your husband just wants to please you. I agree with you

and everything you wrote in your post. My bf bought me a trip with

Dolphins (it ended up not happening) But It was so much a thing I would

have never dreamt possible, the idea so appealed to me. Even the

memory that it might have happened makes me feel good.

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Dear Kim,

Thank you for your post during this holiday season when so many are focussed on

buying

things. I sense if you lovingly stand by your needs and what feels to be a

careful

consideration of what is important in life - and where you are trying to steer

your family -

that your husband will follow along.

We have had an Madison Avenue/commercial assault in recent decades over the

Christmas

and " Holiday " giving thing. I remember in the fifties, upper middle class

neighborhood

that I grew up in - and with my wealthy maternal grandparents - that gifts and

activities

focussed more on what was needed and shared activities. I still have fond

memories,

despite being very " shy " and not being able to sing - or speak around adults who

were not

in my family - of being in the neighborhood rehersals, held after church on

Sundays, for

going Caroling - and then the actual, Christmas Eve Caroling from house to house

on

several blocks, where we would be invited in for a look at the trees and good

wishes - this

cost the households in the neighborhoods nothing save the coffee, tea, hot

chocolate and

cookies served for the rehersals and then the caroling invites.

My brother and I have sought to " ween " well wishing friends and extended family

from the

commercial card sending and gift giving. One thing that I have done for friends

and

people I know that don't have family near is to invite them for tea and

conversation. I set

out a table with buttons, beads, feathers (collected from my parrots over the

year), fabric

snippets stuffing and nuts in the shells (walnuts, almonds, hazelnuts,

Brazilnuts),

pinecones, sticks and bark gathered in my walks in the woods - and thread,

needles and

glue gun - to make tree and/or table and door decorations. People seem to love

to make

the little winged dolls I have been making for years - with nuts for heads,

sticks for arms

and legs and bodies and hats made from scraps of fabric and decorated with the

found

objects - they look like little nature creatures.

Often I buy beeswax by the pound and invite people to help melt it on the stove

and poor

it into tin cans as molds or some of the other simple candle molds that I have

collected -

the smell is quite wonderful . . . as we melt, pour and wait for the wicks to

set we can

catch up on our lives . . .

I like to make my celiac safe brownies - using walnut flour I grind myself - to

give as gifts.

For birthdays I often offer to make the cake - it allows me to eat but it also

allows others

to see that Celiac baking can be quite wonderful - most are surprized to find

that it is

delicious and it gives us an opening to talk about the benefits of eating gluten

free. Often

in the months afterwards I get people calling because they have a friend who is

new to the

diagnoses and remember the cake and then ask if I can speak with their friend or

family

members about the Celiac diet and how to adjust.

I also, when it feels like I want to give a gift - I will give a book on

psychology or

spirituality, if it is suited to the person. For special events, to my

Christian friends, I have

given a good Bible. Also, to Christian friends, I have given CD's of Christian

music and

Earl Jone's reading the New Testament.

My friends, wanting to give at this time of year and for Birthdays - have given

me good

herbal shampoos, bottles of Cod Liver Oil, Christian Books, treats for my dog.

When they

are really stymied I ask them to give me a Note of Promise for a walk on the

nearby

mountain, ice skating on the river in january or a night of videos and popcorn .

.. . .

My brother and I notice what seems to be " needing " - if the slippers are three

or four years

old . . . . or the winter hat is a bit . . . old . . . then we usually look over

the coming year for

something wonderful . . and on sale . . . last Christmas we were to spend a

quiet day

together, making a meal . . and a number of people started calling for dog sled

tours - my

brother gives a Discovery Channel type tour that includes showing people how to

properly

keep sled dogs, the history of the sport, ethical dog - and all - animal care

and concerns

and concerns for the environment - we found ourselves giving tours to families

from

Georgia, London, India and Texas - exhausted at the end of the day we found

ourselves so

happy that we could share with others

Your husband wants to celebrate his love for you - for him, that may still mean

a physical

manifestation. Having a good, conscious conversation about what you want (you

probably

already have!) - can help. Perhaps, as you are educating your husband - you

might want

to give him a list of things that you would like - more family time together,

cooking a

home made meal together - his cooking you a nice meal . . . or things that you

would like

- a special book, a board game that the family can play throught the years, a

nice

shampoo, yarn if you knit or crochet , etc.

I really feel that if our planet is to survive - and if we are to have more

quality, authentic

lives in the midst of all the dashing business of Western lives - then we have

to start

considering how to slow down, stop the tide of materialism and find more quality

time in

our daily lives, as well as our holidays.

Thanks again for your post,

Deborah

>

> My husband wants to find me a gift for Christmas and has told me how

> difficult I am to shop for. I do not have wants. Commericals show

> women fawning over a man whose given them a diamond or some other

> sparkling object but in my world those things don't interest me in the

> slightest. I do not work so do not need dressy clothes, even if I did

> I would tend toward comfort and casual. My husband took my daughter

> shopping with him to help and as he looked at various things she would

> shake her head no, mom won't like that or wear that. My husband is a

> very caring person but can be a bit materialistic. Once he sees

> something he likes, whether useful or not, he focuses on getting it.

> He is made happy, or enjoys getting " things " very much and the hardest

> part of shopping for him is my own frugal spending habits. I think the

> best gifts I give are the homemade cookies, afghans I've made, or

> birdhouses and feeders we built, the gifts that take time and effort.

> I'm trying to steer the family back to the importance of loving and

> enjoying the time we have to spend together, savoring homemade dishes,

> singing and playing board games.

>

> Kim

>

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Dear Miminim,

Wow - what a wondeful gift - swimming with the Dolphins! And I sense what you

mean

when you wrote that even though it didn't happen - the thought of it was so

wonderful! It

was the good wish and the wonder of the trip that felt good and valuable to you.

Because of my health I haven't been able to travel for camping in the last

number of years

- but I have a few wonderful DVD's of nature scenes and I feel very happy and

grateful to

be able to be in these places without the travel, inpact on the environment.

People ask me

if I don't feel bad that I can't go out camping and sitting at the beach as I

use to - and

truthfully - no, I am grateful for the magic that is now availible.

Thank you for your post - it is so nice that you have such a good ability to

appreciate

goodness.

Deborah

>

> Is there anything that you might like but would never allow yourself to

> buy? I think your husband just wants to please you. I agree with you

> and everything you wrote in your post. My bf bought me a trip with

> Dolphins (it ended up not happening) But It was so much a thing I would

> have never dreamt possible, the idea so appealed to me. Even the

> memory that it might have happened makes me feel good.

>

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" Once he sees something he likes, whether useful or not, he focuses

on getting it. "

I have never really understood this drive that some people have to

buy things.

Some psychologists will say that in men it is the result of the

hunter mentality where men focus on one thing until that one thing

is attained.

I can see that, but I don't understand how this drive can override

common sense and common interest. I have seen people bakrupt

themselves because they " must have " certain things, but if they wind

up bankrupting themselves, then they more or less lose everything

they have.

I prefer frugality.

Let me make clear what that means. It does NOT mean buying something

at the lowest possible price. It means getting what is needed at the

best level of quality at the lowest possible price.

Lots of times I have seen stuff that is all the rage selling at the

end of the season for 70% off on clearance. If that stuff is what I

want, and if it is of good quality, and if I actually need it, then

I buy it.

Then I have what's all the rage, but for 70% less than what others

paid for it.

Tom

Administrator

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Kim, you would fit in perfectly with Cub and me. We are great

believers in homemade gifts. This does not mean that we do not

sometimes purchase items to give to another. It means that we spend

a great deal of time deciding what the other person would like and

then we take into consideration our budget and based on that, we

decide on the best gift possible.

To this very day, I have a beautiful wall-hanging that Cub did in

2000 when he was in kindergarten and only 5 years old. It is on

unbleached cotton and sewn in perfectly imperfect pre-schooler

stitches onto a piece of dowling. Red yarn wound repeatedly over

each end and far too long hangs on the nail in the wall where this

wall-hanging has a place of honour.

Sparkly blue and purple fabric paint winds its way across the cloth

and in the left hand corner, a photograph of Cub is firmly attached.

I asked him to tell me the story of the paint and how it winds and

he said that the purple paint was me (there's more purple than blue)

and the blue paint was him. In places where the paints meet or

cross, he said that represented how we are tied to each other

because we are family. In places (and there were many of these

places) where the did not meet, he said that was each of us being

ourselves.

Of all the presents I have received over the years, that particular

gift is one of my most cherished gifts and it will always hang in a

place of honour in my home. Call me sentimental or foolish if you

wish, but I'd rather be the way I am than caught up in all the rush

for validation via material goods.

Raven

Kim wrote: " ... <snip> ... I'm trying to steer the family back to

the importance of loving and enjoying the time we have to spend

together, savoring homemade dishes, singing and playing board games. "

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Now try and imagine about how many parents receive such gifts from

their children and don't even think to ask what those gifts actually

mean. Kids bring home school projehcts like that by the ton and

arents throw them away without a second thought.

Every time they do that, they are missing opportunities to bond with

their children and learn more about them.

If more parents thought of the things their children make for them

as you do, I think there would be less conflict in families.

Tom

Administrator

" Of all the presents I have received over the years, that particular

gift is one of my most cherished gifts and it will always hang in a

place of honour in my home. Call me sentimental or foolish if you

wish, but I'd rather be the way I am than caught up in all the rush

for validation via material goods. "

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As far as I have seen, most parents really like to see and receive

selfmade gifts from their children and give them a place in their

homes. But maybe it is different here than in the USA.

>

> " Of all the presents I have received over the years, that particular

> gift is one of my most cherished gifts and it will always hang in a

> place of honour in my home. Call me sentimental or foolish if you

> wish, but I'd rather be the way I am than caught up in all the rush

> for validation via material goods. "

>

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Tom wrote:

>

> Now try and imagine about how many parents receive such gifts from

> their children and don't even think to ask what those gifts

actually

> mean. Kids bring home school projehcts like that by the ton and

> arents throw them away without a second thought.

>

> Every time they do that, they are missing opportunities to bond

with

> their children and learn more about them.

>

> If more parents thought of the things their children make for them

> as you do, I think there would be less conflict in families.

>

> <ravenmagic2003@> wrote:

>

> " Of all the presents I have received over the years, that particular

> gift is one of my most cherished gifts and it will always hang in a

> place of honour in my home. Call me sentimental or foolish if you

> wish, but I'd rather be the way I am than caught up in all the rush

> for validation via material goods. "

>

I have thought about this many times. Parents don't take part in the

lives of their children. I am glad to know the parents on this

group. It isn't about a disability, it is about communication. That

is the key to everything in life our ability to make ourselves

understood and to be valued and understood. That was the sad thing

about Don. He was so busy being mean(and he thought mistakenly;

clever) that his true communication was lost.

I told my BF that this forum has encompassed what I have been looking

for in the outside world for my lifetime thus far. A place to

communicate-- not be a gender, or a socioeconomic group, or an age or

etc, but to have a voice and various likes and dislikes.

This Am I was speaking over a cell, and the person used their

microphone. It produced feedback, suck that I started to feel like

to cry and vomit at the same time. I was suprised and had to explain

and get off. I am glad to know that well I may be nutty for a miriad

of reasons this sound sensitivity isn't one of them.

All my life I said I can't be the only person who feels this way, I

am glad I am not mimi

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I do enjoy getting useful things, a little like " Monk " getting a new

dustpan and brush. I like when the items in my home are organized. I

stack, pack, rearrange stuff continually until it looks orderly to me.

I do enjoy scented candles but I would need to smell them before I buy

one. A gift I would enjoy is time alone with my husband taking a long

hike in a wooded area without the kids like we used to do when we dated.

To me, that is a thoughful gift and my husband knows this kind of thing

would please me but with my Mom's treatment and kids schooling time is

short. I think I'd like to try to see a play in a theater, such as

" Wicked " . My son had an opportunity to see it and tells me it was very

good.

Kim

>

> Is there anything that you might like but would never allow yourself

to

> buy? I think your husband just wants to please you. I agree with you

> and everything you wrote in your post. My bf bought me a trip with

> Dolphins (it ended up not happening) But It was so much a thing I

would

> have never dreamt possible, the idea so appealed to me. Even the

> memory that it might have happened makes me feel good.

>

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Oh, he'll look for the bargain too. Research, make calls, and go on

line to find the best quality for the lowest price. It's his bi-polar

hyper-focus on " things " that keep him " wanting " a particular thing but

he has the broken record of many other things running through his head

too. I shouldn't say he doesn't buy useful things but that the " things "

don't get used for long and he usually ends up regretting the purchase.

Classic bi-polar and manic/depressive behavior. Can use see me pulling

my hair out?

Kim

>

Tom wrote:

> I have never really understood this drive that some people have to

> buy things.

>

> Some psychologists will say that in men it is the result of the

> hunter mentality where men focus on one thing until that one thing

> is attained.

>

> I can see that, but I don't understand how this drive can override

> common sense and common interest. I have seen people bakrupt

> themselves because they " must have " certain things, but if they wind

> up bankrupting themselves, then they more or less lose everything

> they have.

>

> I prefer frugality.

>

> Let me make clear what that means. It does NOT mean buying something

> at the lowest possible price. It means getting what is needed at the

> best level of quality at the lowest possible price.

>

> Lots of times I have seen stuff that is all the rage selling at the

> end of the season for 70% off on clearance. If that stuff is what I

> want, and if it is of good quality, and if I actually need it, then

> I buy it.

>

> Then I have what's all the rage, but for 70% less than what others

> paid for it.

>

> Tom

> Administrator

>

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>

> Now try and imagine about how many parents receive such gifts from

> their children and don't even think to ask what those gifts actually

> mean. Kids bring home school projehcts like that by the ton and

> arents throw them away without a second thought.

How right you are. I have kept all, every single one and keep some in

scrap books, others hanging up in my room. Decor ala kid.

>

> Every time they do that, they are missing opportunities to bond with

> their children and learn more about them.

My children love to see the things they've made and as they get older,

look on these gifts with new eyes. Great memories.

>

> If more parents thought of the things their children make for them

> as you do, I think there would be less conflict in families.

> Tom

> Administrator

Oh, I don't know about that. Conflict is a way of life, a child must

grow and their ideas won't always agree with mine or their sibs. It's

natural. The thing that makes conflict difficult ( at least in my home)

is the way we react to our differences. My sister had a mean game when

we grew up and it was called ACT.....REACT. Poke, hit, poke, hit, until

MOOOOMMMMMM! Well you get the point.

Kim

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yarahui wrote: " As far as I have seen, most parents really like to

see and receive selfmade gifts from their children and give them a

place in their homes. But maybe it is different here than in the

USA. "

Unfortunately, so many parents in many parts of the world discount

and discard their children's treasures, yarahui. It is not just in

the USA. I have lived in Europe and in North America as a child and

I remember all too well how many classmates would return to school

the day after a major celebration, devastated and decimated because

their parents had either tossed aside or tossed away a homemade gift

that was done during classtime.

This is not just a problem that happens in North America.

And now that I am a parent (and have been for 11 years), I have seen

scores of parents collecting their children from daycare and from

school, who discount and discard their children's gifts, referring

to them as 'nice' and then treating them like garbage as their

children desperately try to explain what's so important about the

gift.

Raven

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Tom wrote: " ... <snip> ... If more parents thought of the things

their children make for them as you do, I think there would be less

conflict in families. "

Kim replied: " ... <snip> ... Oh, I don't know about that.

Conflict is a way of life, a child must grow and their ideas won't

always agree with mine or their sibs. It's natural ... <snip> ... "

Tom is not advocating that there never be conflict. However, how

can one respect a child's differing viewpoint if one does not

understand from where that viewpoint grew? When a parent cherishes

the 'information' a child provides through creative expressions of

their inner self, they are in a better position to deal positively

with the inevitable conflicts that will arise within the family unit

from time to time.

it's when parents do not take the time to know their children and

their children act out, seeking negative attention since positive

attention getting methodology failed, that those sorts of parents

are most often heard saying, " I don't get it. I don't even know who

this child is!!!! "

Had they spent time listening in the early years, they would never

have lost sight of who their child is as he or she grows into a

teenager and on to adulthood.

Raven

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" As far as I have seen, most parents really like to see and receive

selfmade gifts from their children and give them a place in their

homes. But maybe it is different here than in the USA. "

The USA is different. It is not what you give but how much. Parents

view projects kids do in school and YMCA and Scouts as instructional

and useful in developing dexterity and creativity. Beyond that, they

have little value. Most (but not all) of the stuff I brought home to

show my mom went straight into the trash. And craft stuff I made at

home was considered a waste of paper and glue.

Tom

Administrator

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<snip>Most (but not all) of the stuff I brought home to

> show my mom went straight into the trash. And craft stuff I made at

> home was considered a waste of paper and glue.

Thats sad but it's good to see that tossing your work didn't quash your

creativity. You still paint and wonderfully might I add.

I have a metal large rack with 15 large bins right in my kitchen that

hold a multitude of " stuff " . Any time the kids are in a creative mood,

there is always " stuff " to work with. I have a hard time throwing

things away, such as a cap to a medicine bottle because I can see it

might be good for something or some school project. I'm not a hoarder,

just someone who sees potential.

Kim

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<snip>Most (but not all) of the stuff I brought home to

> show my mom went straight into the trash. And craft stuff I made at

> home was considered a waste of paper and glue.

Thats sad but it's good to see that tossing your work didn't quash your

creativity. You still paint and wonderfully might I add.

I have a metal large rack with 15 large bins right in my kitchen that

hold a multitude of " stuff " . Any time the kids are in a creative mood,

there is always " stuff " to work with. I have a hard time throwing

things away, such as a cap to a medicine bottle because I can see it

might be good for something or some school project. I'm not a hoarder,

just someone who sees potential.

Kim

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Well, there probably are a whole scale of reactions (positive and

negative)possible from parents towards their childrens' selfmade

products everywhere in the world.

It's good to know there are also lots of parents who like it. Call me

optimistic, but I am under the impression that most parents like it.

" As far as I have seen, most parents really like to

> see and receive selfmade gifts from their children and give them a

> place in their homes. But maybe it is different here than in the

> USA. "

>

> Unfortunately, so many parents in many parts of the world discount

> and discard their children's treasures, yarahui. It is not just in

> the USA. I have lived in Europe and in North America as a child

and

> I remember all too well how many classmates would return to school

> the day after a major celebration, devastated and decimated because

> their parents had either tossed aside or tossed away a homemade

gift

> that was done during classtime.

>

> This is not just a problem that happens in North America.

>

> And now that I am a parent (and have been for 11 years), I have

seen

> scores of parents collecting their children from daycare and from

> school, who discount and discard their children's gifts, referring

> to them as 'nice' and then treating them like garbage as their

> children desperately try to explain what's so important about the

> gift.

>

> Raven

>

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I am sorry to hear that your creativity wasn't valued more, but glad

to have noticed that you didn't loose it (f.e. your post about the cd

you made with Raven).

>

> " As far as I have seen, most parents really like to see and receive

> selfmade gifts from their children and give them a place in their

> homes. But maybe it is different here than in the USA. "

>

> The USA is different. It is not what you give but how much. Parents

> view projects kids do in school and YMCA and Scouts as instructional

> and useful in developing dexterity and creativity. Beyond that, they

> have little value. Most (but not all) of the stuff I brought home to

> show my mom went straight into the trash. And craft stuff I made at

> home was considered a waste of paper and glue.

>

> Tom

> Administrator

>

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Thank you.

The need to do something for autistics was a factor in getting my

creative juices flowing again as well as Raven's persistence. Thank

goodness she was persistent.

Tom

Administrator

I am sorry to hear that your creativity wasn't valued more, but glad

to have noticed that you didn't loose it (f.e. your post about the cd

you made with Raven).

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It is interesting that I have viewed some on the spectrum in

this 'wanting' things very much. To the point they have to have - not a

need a want.

I think I may have had a bit of this in my youth - though I quickly

learned things generally did not live up to their hype. I also realise

the difference between want and need :-)

Often I am much happier with simple things anyway :-) People often

complain about the waste of Christmas wrapping paper. I really like

sparkly wrapping paper and it not a waste because I keep it and use for

collages and other art projects - I love recycling in the respect of

using what others consider junk/waste and making things out of such :-)

Even old packaging gets transformed into craft/art projects.

Ahhhhhh whilst on the subject, old Christmas cards - I've used such for

collage previously - but I used to really like what my mum did with

them. She'd save all the old Christmas cards and the next Christmas we

would cut out the pictures and make tags for presents.

There are somethings I like to get, books being a very long lasting

interest - books with info and also some comedy books I like - I don't

tend to feel the pressing desire of having to have that I sometimes did

in my youth though.

>

>

> Oh, he'll look for the bargain too. Research, make calls, and go on

> line to find the best quality for the lowest price. It's his bi-polar

> hyper-focus on " things " that keep him " wanting " a particular thing

but

> he has the broken record of many other things running through his head

> too. I shouldn't say he doesn't buy useful things but that

the " things "

> don't get used for long and he usually ends up regretting the

purchase.

> Classic bi-polar and manic/depressive behavior. Can use see me

pulling

> my hair out?

>

> Kim

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Persistence -- a perseverative interest of mine. LOL.

Raven

>

> I am sorry to hear that your creativity wasn't valued more, but glad

> to have noticed that you didn't loose it (f.e. your post about the cd

> you made with Raven).

>

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In a message dated 12/6/2006 3:10:07 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, julie.stevenson16@... writes:

I think I may have had a bit of this in my youth - though I quickly learned things generally did not live up to their hype. I also realise the difference between want and need :-)

I learned this too. I recall many times really wanted a specific toy because it was popular and looked really cool, but feeling let down with it because it just didn't live up to expectations. This still happens sometimes, but I chalk it up more to plain "buyer's remorse" than like it was as a child. Not many people actually enjoy spending a lot of money for things, so that is when buyer's remorse kicks in, even if it was something you needed.

What I wonder about is all those people who took out extra mortgages just to buy junk they didn't really need. I wonder how they must feel in a budget crunch when they look at those things and realize that they are the cause of their money problems? I know I have felt this to a small degree when I have spend my budget for the month and then find something I had really been looking for. At least that doesn't last long since I know it is only until next month when I can buy it. Its not like having bought a big SUV or a swimming pool or something really expensive that I had to keep paying for month after month. Now that would really grate on me.

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Another thing to think about is that in the " olden days " (as my

grandmother was fond of calling them), no one bought anything on

credit unless they absolutely had to, and if they took out

mortgages, they were at fixed rates for amounts they could afford to

pay off on their current (not hypothetically extrapolated salaries).

Thus the houses they were buying then were not the multi-roomed

complexes you see people buying today, but modest sized homes where

their kids would sleep two to a room.

Nowdays with the economy being poor and employment not being

consistent, you'd think people would begin to revert to buying

smaller things in cash and bigger things on credit based on what

they can afford on their current salaries rather than on what they

MIGHT be earning somewhere down the line.

But, people have been conditioned to believe that if you don't buy

on credit, then you are weird.

Tom

Administrator

" What I wonder about is all those people who took out extra

mortgages just to buy junk they didn't really need. "

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Never a borrower or a lender be. This was drilled into my head and it

worked well for me until I needed to have some credit rating in order to

purchase our home. They won't loan you money unless you have a history

of smaller loans being made and paid.

Kim

>

> " What I wonder about is all those people who took out extra

> mortgages just to buy junk they didn't really need. "

>

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Never a borrower or a lender be. This was drilled into my head and it

worked well for me until I needed to have some credit rating in order to

purchase our home. They won't loan you money unless you have a history

of smaller loans being made and paid.

Kim

>

> " What I wonder about is all those people who took out extra

> mortgages just to buy junk they didn't really need. "

>

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