Re: OCD pain

March 27, 2007

Very touching! I felt like crying reading this!

Hugs to you and your dd!

Judy

March 27, 2007

What a privlidge to read these. Thanks for sharing these letters with the

board. Does your dd know you posted them? Cried as I read them. Boy do our kids

suffer. And as they suffer, so do we.

OCD pain

We have 2 kids with OCD. Dd, now 18, diagnosed at 14 1/2; ds,

almost 21, diagnosed at 18. Both are stable and pretty much have

been for awhile, mostly with meds.

Anyway, dd was cleaning her room last night and came across 2

papers written when she was a freshman, not long after diagnosis.

She said to me, " Boy,have I gotten better. " I would like to share

those with you:

Fear is a terrible thing to experience. The fear that has filled my life

is nothing, nothing like the fear of a rollercoaster. This summer that

fear entered my life and would not let go. It took on many different

forms. One after another the many forms of fear tortured my

thoughts till I was nothing but a crying and screaming body. As

soon as I got control of myself, back Fear came with more. I was

terrified for my own life. Afraid I would unwillingly take it. Prayer was

cut off from me. I didn't know what to believe about Him. I would

cry uncontrollable. I was finally given a name for the uncontrollable

fear-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I still have it. I still have the

Fear. When I let it take over, I become overly depressed. The fear

would hound me and when I thought it was done Fear would shoot

another thought into my head. I would jerk and the process would

start all over again. Sometimes I would fear I would go insane. It is

not at all a pleasant feeling. Fear often still visits me. I don't even

know what I am afraid of anymore. I am just scared. All I want to

do is hide in a corner. I feel so worthless sometimes. Fear keeps

me away from people. It keeps me from making friends. The fear

is the worst at night, I cry before I go to bed. I take offense at the

slightest thing. I take everything personally. Because of my fear of

suicide, my parents put me in Pine Rest so I would be safe and so I

could get medication right away. There I felt safe, at least partly.

My roomate was an 11 year old girl; she was there because she had

tried to choke herself. She told me things I wish I had not heard. I

ended up sobbing at night because she had scared me so bad.

Thankfully she was taken to another room to sleep. The other kids

there I am sure weren't believers. They swore, they smoked and

did drugs. Probably most of them had tried to commit suicide at one

time or another. There was one boy who said he used to do dark

magic and he said something that freaked me out very badly. There

was also a girl there that looked normal but had a messed up life,

she was very superstitiuos. I was there about 5 days. Then my

parents took me back home. I never want to go back there. Pine

Rest didn't help me at all. When I went to school, it was a totally

new experience for me. Sometimes I got totally freaked out. I still

haven't quite adjusted to having all those people around me.

(NOTE:She was homeschooled prior to this) I am afraid to make

friends. I am afraid of being hurt. Sometimes all I can do is cry. I

get so confused. When my mom asks me what's wrong, all I can

say is " I don't know " and I really don't know. My brain is a total

mess. Sometimes I think my whole life is messed up. OCD made

me believe some pretty strange things even against my will. I still

sometimes can't totally dispell my old fears. I used to be so

optimistic but now I am so pessimistic. I feel like I'm in a rut and

can't get out. I can't push away enough of the depressing thoughts

to get out and I don't know what to do. Everything is so, I don't

know, weird.

2nd Paper

Trying too hard to make everything perfect. Trying to stop the

changes. Trying not to grow up. Trying not to think about the things

I'd rather not know about. Trying to live! Trying not to let OCD ruin

my life and hopes. Trying to fight. It snuck into my brain without my

knowing it. It turned my world upside down. It would not let me go.

My parents tried everything they could to stop the thoughts. I tried

counseling but the worries kept right on coming. They took me to

the doctor who thought I had OCD, Obsessive Compulsive

Disorder, how I hate those words. A few weeks later, I went to the

dr. again. This time I was worse, the thoughts were making me

insane. I was taken to Pine Rest. The things I had only read about

or heard about became suddenly real. I was there Thursday until

the first day of school, then went home. I am on medication but I

still must fight the thoughts. The thoughts never seem to go away.

I shove them back but they still whisper in the back of my mind. I

must have patience and wait for the medication to work and until

then, I must fight.

F

________________________________________________________________________

AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's free from AOL

at AOL.com.

March 27, 2007

I've read some stuff in a workbook for OCD that was very descriptive

about what our kids suffer. It was very similar to this. And it is

heartbreaking to hear. As a parent, you ache for them and feel

helpless to do anything to help. It's worse for them, because they

have to live it and cannot turn it off. I'm glad your daughter is

doing better. I hope our son gets there soon too. Can I ask, was it

the therapy or meds, or both that seemed to make a difference for her?

Thanks for sharing.

BJ

>

> We have 2 kids with OCD. Dd, now 18, diagnosed at 14 1/2; ds,

> almost 21, diagnosed at 18. Both are stable and pretty much have

> been for awhile, mostly with meds.

> Anyway, dd was cleaning her room last night and came across 2

> papers written when she was a freshman, not long after diagnosis.

> She said to me, " Boy,have I gotten better. " I would like to share

> those with you:

>

> Fear is a terrible thing to experience. The fear that has filled my

life

> is nothing, nothing like the fear of a rollercoaster. This summer that

> fear entered my life and would not let go. It took on many different

> forms. One after another the many forms of fear tortured my

> thoughts till I was nothing but a crying and screaming body. As

> soon as I got control of myself, back Fear came with more. I was

> terrified for my own life. Afraid I would unwillingly take it.

Prayer was

> cut off from me. I didn't know what to believe about Him. I would

> cry uncontrollable. I was finally given a name for the uncontrollable

> fear-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I still have it. I still have the

> Fear. When I let it take over, I become overly depressed. The fear

> would hound me and when I thought it was done Fear would shoot

> another thought into my head. I would jerk and the process would

> start all over again. Sometimes I would fear I would go insane. It is

> not at all a pleasant feeling. Fear often still visits me. I don't

even

> know what I am afraid of anymore. I am just scared. All I want to

> do is hide in a corner. I feel so worthless sometimes. Fear keeps

> me away from people. It keeps me from making friends. The fear

> is the worst at night, I cry before I go to bed. I take offense at the

> slightest thing. I take everything personally. Because of my fear of

> suicide, my parents put me in Pine Rest so I would be safe and so I

> could get medication right away. There I felt safe, at least partly.

> My roomate was an 11 year old girl; she was there because she had

> tried to choke herself. She told me things I wish I had not heard. I

> ended up sobbing at night because she had scared me so bad.

> Thankfully she was taken to another room to sleep. The other kids

> there I am sure weren't believers. They swore, they smoked and

> did drugs. Probably most of them had tried to commit suicide at one

> time or another. There was one boy who said he used to do dark

> magic and he said something that freaked me out very badly. There

> was also a girl there that looked normal but had a messed up life,

> she was very superstitiuos. I was there about 5 days. Then my

> parents took me back home. I never want to go back there. Pine

> Rest didn't help me at all. When I went to school, it was a totally

> new experience for me. Sometimes I got totally freaked out. I still

> haven't quite adjusted to having all those people around me.

> (NOTE:She was homeschooled prior to this) I am afraid to make

> friends. I am afraid of being hurt. Sometimes all I can do is cry. I

> get so confused. When my mom asks me what's wrong, all I can

> say is " I don't know " and I really don't know. My brain is a total

> mess. Sometimes I think my whole life is messed up. OCD made

> me believe some pretty strange things even against my will. I still

> sometimes can't totally dispell my old fears. I used to be so

> optimistic but now I am so pessimistic. I feel like I'm in a rut and

> can't get out. I can't push away enough of the depressing thoughts

> to get out and I don't know what to do. Everything is so, I don't

> know, weird.

>

> 2nd Paper

> Trying too hard to make everything perfect. Trying to stop the

> changes. Trying not to grow up. Trying not to think about the things

> I'd rather not know about. Trying to live! Trying not to let OCD ruin

> my life and hopes. Trying to fight. It snuck into my brain without my

> knowing it. It turned my world upside down. It would not let me go.

> My parents tried everything they could to stop the thoughts. I tried

> counseling but the worries kept right on coming. They took me to

> the doctor who thought I had OCD, Obsessive Compulsive

> Disorder, how I hate those words. A few weeks later, I went to the

> dr. again. This time I was worse, the thoughts were making me

> insane. I was taken to Pine Rest. The things I had only read about

> or heard about became suddenly real. I was there Thursday until

> the first day of school, then went home. I am on medication but I

> still must fight the thoughts. The thoughts never seem to go away.

> I shove them back but they still whisper in the back of my mind. I

> must have patience and wait for the medication to work and until

> then, I must fight.

>

> F

>

March 27, 2007

wow it makes it real when you hear their inner feelings that they hide

from us even when we think they're opening up

glad they are both doing better

eileen

Quoting jpfolkert@...: