Re: Doesn't answer when called?

[Guest guest]

He may not understand that you calling his name means more than you saying his name in conversation. Does he respond when you give him other directions after his name? It is just " Will " that he doesn't respond to? If so, I'd say this is perfectly understandable. Try something like " Will, when I say your name again I want you to say " Yes Mom? " " wait a few seconds/moments and then say " Will " . After a while you won't need to prompt him to say " Yes Mom? "

-LanaOn 3/3/08, Beth <brerkelens@...> wrote:

My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name... He

has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical?

I can get him to respond if I say... " Will, say I am right here. " And

then he does.

He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about

something else entirely.

[Guest guest]

I don't know. I was forty-six when I was diagnosed.

Hugs,

Support your friendly local autistics...........I'm one of them.

Doesn't answer when called?

My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name... He has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical? I can get him to respond if I say... "Will, say I am right here." And then he does.He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about something else entirely.

Never miss a thing. Make your homepage.

[Guest guest]

“You

have to answer me” “ I am going to be right here until you answer”

Close the circle of communication and do

not let up until your son responds to you.

Kate Myers

www.brooklynplayspot.com

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Classes, Events & Parties

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Doesn't answer when called?

My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name... He

has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical?

I can get him to respond if I say... " Will, say I am right here. " And

then he does.

He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about

something else entirely.

[Guest guest]

>Kids with AS tend to be in their own world and have difficulty

interacting, especially when it comes to " social cues " like responding

to their name, saying Hi, those things have to be taught. Try using a

snap or refocusing him in some way to get him out of his own world. Sue

> My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name... He

> has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical?

>

> I can get him to respond if I say... " Will, say I am right here. " And

> then he does.

>

> He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about

> something else entirely.

>

[Guest guest]

This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross the road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was coming. It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught him - always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to tell him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every time but didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what he was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son, and maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally.

I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions seem good to me!



Estevan, SK

Canada

-- Re: Doesn't answer when called?

He may not understand that you calling his name means more than you saying his name in conversation. Does he respond when you give him other directions after his name? It is just "Will" that he doesn't respond to? If so, I'd say this is perfectly understandable. Try something like "Will, when I say your name again I want you to say "Yes Mom?"" wait a few seconds/moments and then say "Will". After a while you won't need to prompt him to say "Yes Mom?"-Lana

On 3/3/08, Beth <brerkelens > wrote:

My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name... He has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical? I can get him to respond if I say... "Will, say I am right here." And then he does.He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about something else entirely.

[Guest guest]

Well expressed. Thank you Becky.

Francine

In a message dated 3/15/2008 10:54:58 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, bholland20@... writes:

Isn’t this called theory of mind? The child believes that everyone else thinks the same thing they do. Therefore, if they heard you then you should know that. Unless you tell the child what you expect, he does not know.

Also, we do the same thing to our children. We tell them “you left the door openâ€. They look and say “yes that is a factâ€. We are trying to tell them to close the door, but we don’t say that. We hint at it and everyone gets frustrated. Women do to that to men all the time then get mad when they don’t empty the trash when we specifically said that the trash can is full.

Our kids can teach us a lot about how we communicate. We have to be willing to learn.

beckyh

From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of Bill NasonSent: Saturday, March 15, 2008 9:09 AMAutism and Aspergers Treatment Subject: Re: Doesn't answer when called?

As long as I have worked with children on the spectrum it still amazes me how our language is such a barrier for them. To be "literal" is harder then it sounds. Often times we think we are being literal, but examples like these brings it home big time. OH....may be I shouldn't say "brings it home big time"...not literal enough..lol.The two biggest problems we have communicating with the children are (1) being literal, and (2) "assuming" that they know something. Your example below is more a problem with "assuming" then being literal. We assume that the child will know that looking both ways means "don't go if there are cars coming." For the problem of not responding when his name is called. It is a probably of "assuming" again. We assume the child knows that calling their name means stop and respond to me. Try and get used to adding what you want, "Will, come to me please." or "Will, we need to go to the car", or whatever you want him to do. Now, you can practice "Will" looking at you when his name is called. Simply practice it frequently throughout the day. Sit him down ad tell him that someone saying his "name" means to look toward them or attend to them. Then, call his name frequently throughout the day, and praise heavily for responding. Bill>> This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross the> road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was coming.> It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught him -> always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to tell> him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every time but> didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what he> was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son, and> maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally. > I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions seem> good to me! > >  > Estevan, SK> Canada

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[Guest guest]

Ain't that the truth! :*)

Francine

In a message dated 3/15/2008 11:53:17 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, bholland20@... writes:

Thanks, I am slowly learning. ;-)

The more I learn about my son , the more I learn about myself and my husband.

Beckyh

From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of sunrose101aolSent: Saturday, March 15, 2008 12:09 PMAutism and Aspergers Treatment Subject: Re: Re: Doesn't answer when called?

Well expressed. Thank you Becky.

Francine

In a message dated 3/15/2008 10:54:58 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, bholland20 writes:

Isn’t this called theory of mind? The child believes that everyone else thinks the same thing they do. Therefore, if they heard you then you should know that. Unless you tell the child what you expect, he does not know.

Also, we do the same thing to our children. We tell them “you left the door openâ€. They look and say “yes that is a factâ€. We are trying to tell them to close the door, but we don’t say that. We hint at it and everyone gets frustrated. Women do to that to men all the time then get mad when they don’t empty the trash when we specifically said that the trash can is full.

Our kids can teach us a lot about how we communicate. We have to be willing to learn.

beckyh

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[Guest guest]

Wow, Bill! This sounds like so much fun ... and such a good idea.

Francine

In a message dated 3/15/2008 11:50:25 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, nasonbill@... writes:

All so true Becky. Although you can teach the child to better read such language. We frequently fall into the trap of teaching ourselves to talk in literal language so the child naturally understands. However, in RDI therapy we actually play games where we use very little imperative language (literal prompts, directions, questions, etc.) and engage the child with declarative language (statements that do not literally direct behavior). This way the child learns to "think" about what the person is saying and what the person is "intending." We also engage in activities together where we "lose our words" and coordinate our actions and roles with facial expressions and exaggerated gestures. It can be a lot of fun, plus teach the child to read nonverbal language.Bill> >> > This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross the> > road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was> coming.> > It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught him -> > always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to tell> > him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every time but> > didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what he> > was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son, and> > maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally. > > I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions seem> > good to me! > > > >  > > Estevan, SK> > Canada> > > > > <http://geo./serv?s=97359714/grpId=1800332/grpspId=1705061616/msgId> =33035/stime=1205586542/nc1=5191945/nc2=5191951/nc3=4025304>>

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[Guest guest]

As long as I have worked with children on the spectrum it still amazes me how

our

language is such a barrier for them. To be " literal " is harder then it sounds.

Often times

we think we are being literal, but examples like these brings it home big time.

OH....may

be I shouldn't say " brings it home big time " ...not literal enough..lol.

The two biggest problems we have communicating with the children are (1) being

literal,

and (2) " assuming " that they know something. Your example below is more a

problem

with " assuming " then being literal. We assume that the child will know that

looking both

ways means " don't go if there are cars coming. "

For the problem of not responding when his name is called. It is a probably of

" assuming "

again. We assume the child knows that calling their name means stop and respond

to me.

Try and get used to adding what you want, " Will, come to me please. " or " Will,

we need to

go to the car " , or whatever you want him to do. Now, you can practice " Will "

looking at

you when his name is called. Simply practice it frequently throughout the day.

Sit him

down ad tell him that someone saying his " name " means to look toward them or

attend to

them. Then, call his name frequently throughout the day, and praise heavily for

responding.

Bill

> My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name... He

> has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical?

>

> I can get him to respond if I say... " Will, say I am right here. " And

> then he does.

>

> He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about

> something else entirely.

>

[Guest guest]

Isn’t this called theory of mind? 

The child believes that everyone else thinks the same thing they do. Therefore,

if they heard you then you should know that.  Unless you tell the child what

you expect, he does not know.

Also, we do the same thing to our

children.  We tell them “you left the door open”.   They look and

say “yes that is a fact”.   We are trying to tell them to close the

door, but we don’t say that.  We hint at it and everyone gets frustrated. 

Women do to that to men all the time then get mad when they don’t empty

the trash when we specifically said that the trash can is full. 

Our kids can teach us a lot about how we

communicate. We have to be willing to learn. 

beckyh

From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of Bill Nason

Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2008

9:09 AM

Autism and Aspergers Treatment

Subject: Re:

Doesn't answer when called?

As long as I have worked with children on the spectrum it still amazes me how

our

language is such a barrier for them. To be " literal " is harder then

it sounds. Often times

we think we are being literal, but examples like these brings it home big time.

OH....may

be I shouldn't say " brings it home big time " ...not literal

enough..lol.

The two biggest problems we have communicating with the children are (1) being

literal,

and (2) " assuming " that they know something. Your example below is

more a problem

with " assuming " then being literal. We assume that the child will

know that looking both

ways means " don't go if there are cars coming. "

For the problem of not responding when his name is called. It is a probably of

" assuming "

again. We assume the child knows that calling their name means stop and respond

to me.

Try and get used to adding what you want, " Will, come to me please. "

or " Will, we need to

go to the car " , or whatever you want him to do. Now, you can practice

" Will " looking at

you when his name is called. Simply practice it frequently throughout the day.

Sit him

down ad tell him that someone saying his " name " means to look toward

them or attend to

them. Then, call his name frequently throughout the day, and praise heavily for

responding.

Bill

>

> This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross the

> road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was

coming.

> It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught him -

> always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to tell

> him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every time but

> didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what he

> was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son, and

> maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally.

> I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions seem

> good to me!

>

> 

> Estevan, SK

> Canada

[Guest guest]

All so true Becky. Although you can teach the child to better read such

language. We

frequently fall into the trap of teaching ourselves to talk in literal language

so the child

naturally understands. However, in RDI therapy we actually play games where we

use very

little imperative language (literal prompts, directions, questions, etc.) and

engage the child

with declarative language (statements that do not literally direct behavior).

This way the

child learns to " think " about what the person is saying and what the person is

" intending. "

We also engage in activities together where we " lose our words " and coordinate

our

actions and roles with facial expressions and exaggerated gestures. It can be a

lot of fun,

plus teach the child to read nonverbal language.

Bill

> >

> > This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross the

> > road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was

> coming.

> > It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught him -

> > always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to tell

> > him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every time but

> > didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what he

> > was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son, and

> > maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally.

> > I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions seem

> > good to me!

> >

> > 

> > Estevan, SK

> > Canada

>

>

>

>

> <http://geo./serv?

s=97359714/grpId=1800332/grpspId=1705061616/msgId

> =33035/stime=1205586542/nc1=5191945/nc2=5191951/nc3=4025304>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, I am slowly learning. ;-)

The more I learn about my son , the more I

learn about myself and my husband.

Beckyh

From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of sunrose101@...

Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2008

12:09 PM

Autism and Aspergers Treatment

Subject: Re:

Re: Doesn't answer when called?

Well expressed. Thank you Becky.

Francine

In a message dated 3/15/2008 10:54:58

A.M. Eastern Standard Time, bholland20 writes:

Isn’t this called theory of mind? The child believes that

everyone else thinks the same thing they do. Therefore, if they heard you then

you should know that. Unless you tell the child what you expect, he does

not know.

Also, we do the same thing to our children. We tell

them “you left the door open”. They look and say “yes that is a

fact”. We are trying to tell them to close the door, but we don’t

say that. We hint at it and everyone gets frustrated. Women do to

that to men all the time then get mad when they don’t empty the trash when we

specifically said that the trash can is full.

Our kids can teach us a lot about how we communicate. We

have to be willing to learn.

beckyh

[Guest guest]

Bill,

That sounds really good.  I am having

trouble getting therapy that my son will cooperate with.  So I have to work it

into every thing we do. 

I will tell him something like “you

have not fed the dog this morning”.  He will grunt affirmative.  I will say

“stop and think, why did I say that?  What am I expecting from you?”   

once he feeds the dog, I remind him that he needs to listen to his teachers the

same way, not only what are they telling me but why are they telling me that?

My son is almost 13.  What ages do you

work with in RDI?

Beckyh

From: Autism and Aspergers Treatment [mailto:Autism and Aspergers Treatment ] On Behalf Of Bill Nason

Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2008

12:48 PM

Autism and Aspergers Treatment

Subject: Re:

Doesn't answer when called?

All so true Becky. Although you can teach the child to better read such

language. We

frequently fall into the trap of teaching ourselves to talk in literal language

so the child

naturally understands. However, in RDI therapy we actually play games where we

use very

little imperative language (literal prompts, directions, questions, etc.) and

engage the child

with declarative language (statements that do not literally direct behavior).

This way the

child learns to " think " about what the person is saying and what the

person is " intending. "

We also engage in activities together where we " lose our words " and

coordinate our

actions and roles with facial expressions and exaggerated gestures. It can be a

lot of fun,

plus teach the child to read nonverbal language.

Bill

> >

> > This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross

the

> > road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was

> coming.

> > It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught

him -

> > always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to

tell

> > him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every

time but

> > didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what

he

> > was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son,

and

> > maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally.

> > I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions

seem

> > good to me!

> >

> > 

> > Estevan, SK

> > Canada

>

>

>

>

> <http://geo./serv?

s=97359714/grpId=1800332/grpspId=1705061616/msgId

> =33035/stime=1205586542/nc1=5191945/nc2=5191951/nc3=4025304>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Bill,

>

> That sounds really good. I am having trouble getting therapy that

my son

> will cooperate with. So I have to work it into every thing we do.

Hi, I hope you don't mind if I butt in here, but this thread has been

interesting to me. I also have trouble to get my 13yo AS son to

cooperate with individual therapy. He likes social skills group

therapy okay, so at least we have that. For some reason he dislikes

psychologists/psychiatrists/counselors intensely and won't seriously

discuss anything with them. He tells them what he thinks they want to

hear. This means he tells them he just doesn't want to do things or

is just really lazy to all his problems. Historically, this has gone

over a lot better with his teachers and others at school rather than

" I don't know " . I try to tell him he needs to speak up if he doesn't

agree with the therapist so they can discuss what the truth of the

matter is, but he just won't. Anyway, since he moved up to a jr high

this year where they are being very careful to be positive with him, I

see signs that he is coming around, slowly. I think it is a trust

issue coming from being misunderstood so much. What I'm getting to

is--any thoughts anybody has on how to turn this around? I think

maybe it will just take time and we are heading in the right

direction, but I'd be curious to hear others' experiences.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

>

> Bill,

>

> That sounds really good. I am having trouble getting therapy that

my son

> will cooperate with. So I have to work it into every thing we do.

Hi, I hope you don't mind if I butt in here, but this thread has been

interesting to me. I also have trouble to get my 13yo AS son to

cooperate with individual therapy. He likes social skills group

therapy okay, so at least we have that. For some reason he dislikes

psychologists/psychiatrists/counselors intensely and won't seriously

discuss anything with them. He tells them what he thinks they want to

hear. This means he tells them he just doesn't want to do things or

is just really lazy to all his problems. Historically, this has gone

over a lot better with his teachers and others at school rather than

" I don't know " . I try to tell him he needs to speak up if he doesn't

agree with the therapist so they can discuss what the truth of the

matter is, but he just won't. Anyway, since he moved up to a jr high

this year where they are being very careful to be positive with him, I

see signs that he is coming around, slowly. I think it is a trust

issue coming from being misunderstood so much. What I'm getting to

is--any thoughts anybody has on how to turn this around? I think

maybe it will just take time and we are heading in the right

direction, but I'd be curious to hear others' experiences.

Ruth

[Guest guest]

Don't feel bad Becky, many children on the spectrum resist therapy.

" Uncertainty " is scary

for them, so they often resist anything that they don't totally control, Most

of my work is

spent teaching the child to trust " following the lead " of another, because

growth doesn't

usually come until that process is learned.

On the other hand, the best therapy is the type that you integrate into your

normal,

everyday routine. Teaching social referencing, emotion sharing, pragmatics,

etc can only

be done right if it is incorporated into their daily routine. Most all

therapies teach splinter

skills, but they do not usually work well in the day to day flux of interaction.

Most of

communication and socialization is a process (function), rather then a collect

of scripts or

discrete skills. I have found that teaching rote skills do not go very far. To

teach process,

you have to put the child in situation, frame it for success, but let the child

mentally figure

out how to regulate it (with help as needed). This way, they are not learning

" one right

way " to do something, but how to mentally engage their way through something.

Most

children on the spectrum are anxious about " thinking " their way through things.

They

want to know the " one right way " to do something, and then don't change it.

Same for reading " theory of mind " and " experience sharing " with others. You

cannot

teach it as a rote skill. I teach parents to participate in " we-do " activities

with their

children. " We-dos " are any simple daily activities, but you do them together,

helping each

other out, " sharing the experience " of " doing together. " Now, during these

activities you

do not use your words to prompt, coach, or direct. You learn to use your facial

expressions, gestures, and body language to convey information needed to stay

coordinated together. By doing this, the child naturally has to start

referencing you for

information in order to stay coordinated with you. This places them in a

situation where

they naturally start to shift attention back and forth from the activity to you

in order to

stay coordinated. By not using your language they have to start reading your

nonverbal

language and start reading what your thoughts, feelings, and intentions are.

We do not

focus on content, but on the process. The children are bright enough to figure

out the

content, once they learn the process. It is like normal children. They learn

to

communicate well before they learn to speak. We often teach children with

autism to

speak, before they understand the function of communicating.

Bill

> > >

> > > This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross

> the

> > > road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was

> > coming.

> > > It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught him

> -

> > > always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to

> tell

> > > him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every time

> but

> > > didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what he

> > > was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son, and

> > > maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally.

> > > I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions seem

> > > good to me!

> > >

> > > 

> > > Estevan, SK

> > > Canada

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > <http://geo.. <http://geo./serv?> com/serv?

> s=97359714/grpId=1800332/grpspId=1705061616/msgId

> > =33035/stime=1205586542/nc1=5191945/nc2=5191951/nc3=4025304>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Becky, in your example below, you are prompting your child to " stop and think "

about what

you said. That is what they are missing. They usually avoid having to

" mentally engage " ,

which is " thinking. " You want to put them in situations, where you give them

cues, but

don't give them the " right response. " and let them " think " their way through.

In real life,

there often is not one right answer, but several alternatives. The child needs

to continually

reference other people to understand if he is staying coordinated with them.

Socializing

requires the child to continually " read " and adjust their thinking and acting in

relation to

others. This cannot be taught as a rote skill, but as a thinking process.

Bill

> > >

> > > This makes sense to me. When my son was smaller and learning to cross

> the

> > > road, he would look both ways and then run across, even if a car was

> > coming.

> > > It took me a while to realize he was doing exactly what I had taught him

> -

> > > always look both ways before you cross the street. I had forgotten to

> tell

> > > him not to go if a vehicle was coming!! He looked both ways every time

> but

> > > didn't know the part about the vehicles!! As soon as I explained what he

> > > was looking for, he never crossed in front of a car again! My son, and

> > > maybe this is all or most aspies, takes many things very literally.

> > > I think maybe your little Will is the same way! Lana's suggestions seem

> > > good to me!

> > >

> > > 

> > > Estevan, SK

> > > Canada

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > <http://geo.. <http://geo./serv?> com/serv?

> s=97359714/grpId=1800332/grpspId=1705061616/msgId

> > =33035/stime=1205586542/nc1=5191945/nc2=5191951/nc3=4025304>

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Bill,I don't know if they want to avoid mentally engaging... rather, I feel it is more a fear of getting something " wrong " or maybe an obsession with getting it " right " . I can't tell you how many times I tried to figure things out based on the partial information given me and then got yelled at or punished for not guessing correctly because I didn't have the missing pieces of information. There is nothing wrong with trying but often inadvertently, those

around the Aspie end up punishing him/her for doing just that. It can be really frustrating (since they tried their best) and sometimes it seems it is easier just

to wait to be told what someone wants than to end up in fits over the

punishment rendered for guessing wrong.I did do a lot better once I understood the concept that right and wrong is often in the eye of the beholder, and what is right for one person may be wrong for the next. Still, it feels like getting zapped or stung when one is so wrong that they bring displeasure to the person they were trying to do something for. I used to wonder if NTs had any concept of how much pain " not getting it " causes me, but now I don't kill myself over it: I've gotten over the fear of that sting.

I think perhaps a more important point than " mentally engaging " Aspies is as you say to ***frame the situation for success***. You need to get them over the fear of the pain that results from being wrong/disappointing someone else before you can make any progress in expecting them to " think " for themselves.

-LanaOn Sat, Mar 15, 2008 at 4:36 PM, Bill Nason <nasonbill@...> wrote:

That is what they are missing. They usually avoid having to " mentally engage " ,

which is " thinking. " To teach process,

you have to put the child in situation, frame it for success, but let the child mentally figure

out how to regulate it (with help as needed). This way, they are not learning " one right

way " to do something, but how to mentally engage their way through something.

[Guest guest]

Bill,I don't know if they want to avoid mentally engaging... rather, I feel it is more a fear of getting something " wrong " or maybe an obsession with getting it " right " . I can't tell you how many times I tried to figure things out based on the partial information given me and then got yelled at or punished for not guessing correctly because I didn't have the missing pieces of information. There is nothing wrong with trying but often inadvertently, those

around the Aspie end up punishing him/her for doing just that. It can be really frustrating (since they tried their best) and sometimes it seems it is easier just

to wait to be told what someone wants than to end up in fits over the

punishment rendered for guessing wrong.I did do a lot better once I understood the concept that right and wrong is often in the eye of the beholder, and what is right for one person may be wrong for the next. Still, it feels like getting zapped or stung when one is so wrong that they bring displeasure to the person they were trying to do something for. I used to wonder if NTs had any concept of how much pain " not getting it " causes me, but now I don't kill myself over it: I've gotten over the fear of that sting.

I think perhaps a more important point than " mentally engaging " Aspies is as you say to ***frame the situation for success***. You need to get them over the fear of the pain that results from being wrong/disappointing someone else before you can make any progress in expecting them to " think " for themselves.

-LanaOn Sat, Mar 15, 2008 at 4:36 PM, Bill Nason <nasonbill@...> wrote:

That is what they are missing. They usually avoid having to " mentally engage " ,

which is " thinking. " To teach process,

you have to put the child in situation, frame it for success, but let the child mentally figure

out how to regulate it (with help as needed). This way, they are not learning " one right

way " to do something, but how to mentally engage their way through something.

[Guest guest]

When we noticed our son doing that we came up with another name:

Norbert. He definitely responded to that name. It was before we knew

he was autistic or diagnosed w/Aspergers and ADHD. Anyway, He would

say I'm Caleb. I'm not Norbert. It was a start.

The point is it got his attention, eventually we learned you just

have to get on his/her level & look them in the eye. With them they

also have a delayed reponse time. So you know that famous word

patience, well you need extra extra extra with these kids. Ask &

allow for a response. I know its not always prudent to allow for

time, but you must. It's just one of those things....remember

patience. Also, Autisics are visual. We bought a small

eraser/marker white board. Our son likes to draw on it also. Its

very useful in communicating. Write out simple direct words. Keep

it short, sweet to the point. So he is hyper stim with the world

around him most Autistics are. You must allow them time to focus

attention on to you. Because unlike us who can filter out the

simplest of noises and don't seem to realize the dishwasher & washer

& dryer on. They hear everything going on at once including their

thoughts. So they must be allowed to focus and pinpoint on the

conversation you are trying to have with him/her. Also remember they

don't think that what you have to say is as important as what they

have to say are want. So they other way to catch their attention is

via a favorite subject or cartoon. Like: ex: " Hey Micheal guess what

I saw that commercial for that new cartoon coming out that you

like. " or I say this show on the science channel about blackholes

the other day. " It's amazing how it works with our son. He'll go

from not answering to " oh, yeah " then you can go on to what you need

to ask. Hope this helps. Just take a deep breath. It's rough at

first and can be very trying most times. I'm still learning and its

been two and half years since the diagnosis and our son is 9 going on

10. ..........desiree

>

> " You have to answer me " " I am going to be right here until you

answer "

> Close the circle of communication and do not let up until your son

> responds to you.

>

> <http://www.brooklynplayspot.com>

>

> Kate Myers

> www.brooklynplayspot.com

> Indoor, Drop in Play, Classes, Events & Parties

> Bring your class to " PLAY "

> Class Trips & Graduation Celebrations

> 718-852-2494

> <http://www.brooklynplayspot.com>

>

>

> Doesn't answer when called?

>

> My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by

name... He

> has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical?

>

> I can get him to respond if I say... " Will, say I am right here. "

And

> then he does.

>

> He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about

> something else entirely.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

This is typical asperger's behavior. My son, 11, takes EVERYTHING literally. I explain every details because I can never assume that he'll understand something unless it's all spelled out. It truly becomes second nature for the moms of aspie kids to talk like this. My mother was here once a few years ago ( must have been about 8), she was trying to tell a story about someone who died. She kept using more politically correct words such as "she passed", etc. I interupted her and in front of my son and told her to use the exact words so can follow the story. I told her to please just say that the person died. It might seem cold to phrase it that way but this is how he interprets language. I've always said that he hears language as black and white. Truth vs. a lie and he can't interpret shades of gray. As well as choosing my words carefully, I always confirm with him

that he understood what I said because he tunes me out. I have him repeat what he heard so I can made any correction I need to. It also helps to get the confirmation from me that he actually heard me. A lot of that part just comes from him being 11 and nothing more. Kids have a tendancy to just tune out their moms but by doing this he is unable to claim that he never heard me say that (especially when I'm giving him rules regarding his schedule for the day). If he doesn't hear me that I said no more computer after the time I've chosen then he can always claim he never heard me. We usually have a set schedule but vacation time is a bit different and he is no longer able to claim that he didn't hear me. Also, as hard as I try to be clear on what I say to him, when he repeats it, there are times when he misunderstands something. It's a great chance to clear things up and it has taken away all

of our language issues. It's been a huge success and we've been doing it for years. You might think you explained it SO well but we don't have an aspie brain so having him repeat it in his own words allows you to see that he has misinterpretted the littlest think which puts a whole other spin on the topic.

The best of luck to you.

Judie

West Palm Beach, FL

Mom to , 11, asperger's, bipolar and more

--------- Re: Doesn't answer when called?

He may not understand that you calling his name means more than you saying his name in conversation. Does he respond when you give him other directions after his name? It is just "Will" that he doesn't respond to? If so, I'd say this is perfectly understandable. Try something like "Will, when I say your name again I want you to say "Yes Mom?"" wait a few seconds/moments and then say "Will". After a while you won't need to prompt him to say "Yes Mom?"-Lana

On 3/3/08, Beth <brerkelens > wrote:

My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name... He has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical? I can get him to respond if I say... "Will, say I am right here." And then he does.He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about something else entirely.

[Guest guest]

My son is now 10. At around four, I noticed the same thing. I

literally programed a response into my son. Every time I would

say, " Josh, eyes and ears. " and he would look at me, I would reward

him creating a positive result to that key phrase. Now all I have to

say is, " Josh, eyes and ears. " and he will immediately look at me,

then I can tell him what I want him to hear. However, I can say his

name till I'm blue in the face and he will be in his own world and

never respond. This is what has worked for us. Also, my son is going

to speech therapy where they are teaching him the way to have a

conversation, how to give and take and not to ramble on for hours

about a video game that no one knows what he is talking about. That is

still work in progress! So yes, it is quite typical!

>

> My almost 4 year old son, does not answer when I call him by name...

He

> has suspected Asperger's. Is this typical?

>

> I can get him to respond if I say... " Will, say I am right here. "

And

> then he does.

>

> He rarely answers questions. In fact, he is mostly talking about

> something else entirely.

>