Re: 7 yr old son with OCD about to lose Grandma

March 13, 2007

Hi Kris,

I wish I could help you with how/when, etc. to tell your son about this

Grandmother's death. My gut feeling, though, is that you should have him say

goodbye. Also, my condolences on the loss of your mother or mother-in-law.

I'm also curious--what does he hoard. My 17-yr-old hoards too so I was

wondering. Among the things she hoards are " junk " she picks up from sidewalks,

parking lots ,etc.

Imogene

7 yr old son with OCD about to lose Grandma

Hi,

My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that anxiety.

Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to refuse

further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her to live

between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after? Any

suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD kid?

Thanks,

Kris

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March 13, 2007

Wow, Kris. I'm so very sorry. I wish I knew the answer for you of

what to say and when. I haven't read much about that in particular.

Being a Christian, I've always stressed with our son, who also has a

hard time letting go, that we will see our loved ones again in heaven.

It's touchy though because he also suffers with scrupulosity, so

anything to do with God is a potential problem. Your little guy is so

young too. Mine is now 15 and has a better time with it than he used

to, but still struggles. I will say a prayer for you.

BJ

>

> Hi,

>

> My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

> related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that anxiety.

> Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to refuse

> further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her to live

> between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after? Any

> suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD kid?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Kris

>

March 13, 2007

Hi e,

I've just joined the group today and I didn't think I was quite ready to post to

the group, but I am in a very similar situation. My son is going to be 6 at the

end of the month and his worries and rituals are related to fear of death and

loss. The strange thing is, he hasn't " lost " anyone in his life, although we

did make a very big move from Oregon to Arizona almost 3 years ago and all my

family lives up there, so we think that may have triggered something. My

grandmother was just placed in a care center and given 30 days to live. I

jumped on the first flight I could when I heard she was in the hospital and we

were told she has liver cancer, as I am almost 35 weeks pregnant and am not

supposed to travel anymore. I told my son about it because I wanted him to know

where I was going and I regret telling him since the day I did. The day I came

back, I picked him up from school and he looked at me and said " mommy I don't

want Isaac (my unborn son) to die. " I was in

shock and had no idea what to say to him because I wasn't expecting that to

come out of his mouth. His biggest worry is something bad will happen to mommy,

daddy, Jasmine (baby sister) and Isaac. He washes his hands quite a bit, but

not for fear of germs. He also washes the bathroom counter everytime he is in

the bathroom. His bathroom rituals take 15-30 minutes, but he has no obsessive

thoughts regarding germs. He is a huge hoarder. He picks up " lucky objects " in

parking lots, on the ground, etc.. although nothing dangerous or a health

hazard. If he loses his " lucky object " at school (he cannot go without one), he

instantly has a bad day.

Anyway, the preoccupation with death has definitely increased since I told him

about my grandmother. I was in a position where I didn't necessarily have to

tell him either now or when she goes, but I decided he should know where his mom

was suddenly running off to in such a hurry. My grandfather, whom my son is

closer to, had a heart attack the night I came home. I decided to not tell my

son anything until I knew for sure what the outcome was, and even if the outcome

had been bad (he had an emergency bypass surgery, but came through 100% and is

expected to recover 100%), I don't know if I would have told him anything. But

I have the luxury of not telling him because everyone lives 1300 miles away and

he doesn't talk to or see everyone on a regular basis. If it were my mother it

would be a different story, but again, having gone through just this small

ordeal we have, I don't know if I would tell him until afterwards, as I think it

reduces the amount of days with

anxiety, especially at the young age our children are.

I'm still learning about OCD and everything, so this is just my experience and

my thoughts on it. I hope it helps some.

All my best,

in AZ

7 yr old son with OCD about to lose Grandma

Hi,

My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that anxiety.

Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to refuse

further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her to live

between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after? Any

suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD kid?

Thanks,

Kris

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March 13, 2007

Hi Kris, first I'm so sorry! Sounds like she is at peace with her

decision though.

Haven't had this actual decision to make, but believe I would go ahead

and tell him. Gives him a chance to say goodbye. Does she live

nearby or does he just see her occasionally? (I only saw one of my

grandmas each summer)

Sometimes, with OCD being so illogical, when the things kids' OCD make

them worry about actually happen, they take it amazingly well. They

still have those rituals/anxieties/worries, but the OCD doesn't get

worse. I'm sure he'll be upset, as anyone would, but OCD-wise it

might surprise you as to not causing any additional waxing of it (hope

so!).

Each of my sons (3) went through fears of death when they were young.

Oh, I can remember checking out books & books at the library about

death, heaven, etc., to read to them (or read particular parts). You

might find a book that meets your needs there in the kids section.

(((((hugs)))))

>

> Hi,

>

> My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

> related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that anxiety.

March 14, 2007

In a message dated 3/13/2007 7:07:45 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

akdelgado@... writes:

They expect her to live

between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him?

Kris

I'm so sorry to hear about your family's situation.... how is ( I'm assuming

it's your mother-in-law??) her emotional state/awareness right now? Does

the Grandma know about your son's OCD? Your smartest most might be to get him

to the hospital as quickly as possible to talk to his Grandma about what's

going to happen. So *she* can explain it to him & he can see that she's ok

with it all.... a lot of times you hear about people who make these decisions

about medical treatment & they're very calming in their voices - they've

accepted what's going to happen & are even happy about it finally happening....

Of

course, I don't know that this is the situation with the Grandmother.....

however, if it is - this could be a great opportunity for your son to see that

death isn't always a horrifying/unexpected thing. That people can be

comforted by the thought of " moving on " ... if you're a religious family, the

whole

" being with Jesus in heaven... " aspect of it - Grandma won't be sick any more &

she'll feel so much better and be happier..... you know what I mean?

Good luck with whatever you decide. It's never easy dealing with death in

family or close friends when kids are involved. That's how my dd's OCD came

into our lives - 2 deaths (one in the family & one close friend) within 1 1/2

months of each other.... pushed the poor kid over the proverbial edge & our

lives have never been same.

Let us know what you finally decide to do.

LT

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March 14, 2007

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I think that he should say goodbye too, but

I'm worried about him adding to the rituals. He hoards anything that

he once possessed, even momentarily, like paper cups from

restaurants or a sticker given to him. He also " collects " tihngs - a

string collection, a rock collection, a watermellon seed collection,

a popsicle stick coolection, etc. He's learned over time to let

garbarge go, but he tries to " justify " most things as potentially

useful in the future. He's reduced his ritual somewhat, in that he

no longer cries when I won't let him pick up paper from parking

lots, but the feeling to " save it from being lost forever " , is still

there.

Thanks,

Kris

>

> Hi Kris,

>

> I wish I could help you with how/when, etc. to tell your son

about this Grandmother's death. My gut feeling, though, is that you

should have him say goodbye. Also, my condolences on the loss of

your mother or mother-in-law.

>

> I'm also curious--what does he hoard. My 17-yr-old hoards too so

I was wondering. Among the things she hoards are " junk " she picks up

from sidewalks, parking lots ,etc.

>

> Imogene

>

> 7 yr old son with OCD about to lose

Grandma

>

> Hi,

>

> My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals

are

> related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that

anxiety.

> Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to

refuse

> further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her

to live

> between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after?

Any

> suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD

kid?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Kris

>

_____________________________________________________________________

___

> AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's

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>

March 14, 2007

Do you have pictures or videos of the two of them together that he could hold on

to?

e <akdelgado@...> wrote: Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I think that he should say goodbye too, but

I'm worried about him adding to the rituals. He hoards anything that

he once possessed, even momentarily, like paper cups from

restaurants or a sticker given to him. He also " collects " tihngs - a

string collection, a rock collection, a watermellon seed collection,

a popsicle stick coolection, etc. He's learned over time to let

garbarge go, but he tries to " justify " most things as potentially

useful in the future. He's reduced his ritual somewhat, in that he

no longer cries when I won't let him pick up paper from parking

lots, but the feeling to " save it from being lost forever " , is still

there.

Thanks,

Kris

>

> Hi Kris,

>

> I wish I could help you with how/when, etc. to tell your son

about this Grandmother's death. My gut feeling, though, is that you

should have him say goodbye. Also, my condolences on the loss of

your mother or mother-in-law.

>

> I'm also curious--what does he hoard. My 17-yr-old hoards too so

I was wondering. Among the things she hoards are " junk " she picks up

from sidewalks, parking lots ,etc.

>

> Imogene

>

> 7 yr old son with OCD about to lose

Grandma

>

> Hi,

>

> My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals

are

> related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that

anxiety.

> Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to

refuse

> further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her

to live

> between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after?

Any

> suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD

kid?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Kris

>

__________________________________________________________

___

> AOL now offers free email to everyone. Find out more about what's

free from AOL at AOL.com.

>

March 14, 2007

So sorry to hear - I know I've seen books about grandma/grandpa dying

at the library also would it help to let him know she is choosing to

stop so in a way she has control over it (normally you wouldn't want

to give a false sense that we have control over death) but maybe since

he's is worried already let him know she can't fight anymore she's

deciding to stop and knows she's going to go up to Heaven etc where

there's no more pain etc and that he doesn't have any of those

problems etc so it won't happen to him????

just thoughts

eileen

Quoting e <akdelgado@...>:

> Hi,

>

> My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

> related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that anxiety.

> Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to refuse

> further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her to live

> between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after? Any

> suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD kid?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Kris

>

March 14, 2007

I wonder if that is the best way to explain. I always think with our ocd kids

to explain someone can't fight anymore and they're going where there is no more

pain may hit home to them in a negative way. They have to fight every day in a

continuous battle. My husband always worries that if we portray death in that

way, one of our children may hold on to that thought and later become suicidal

when the fight seems like too much.

I think it helps alot that your mom is older (as opposed to a young friend of

your son). I think just explain that this is the plan. We come to earth and

everyone must die, and then someday we will be reunited (if that is your

belief). Help him to understand that this is not final, that you will see her

again, and that maybe for now, she can just be his guardian angel.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this with your mom.

in TN

" autumn71A@... " <autumn71A@...> wrote:

So sorry to hear - I know I've seen books about grandma/grandpa dying

at the library also would it help to let him know she is choosing to

stop so in a way she has control over it (normally you wouldn't want

to give a false sense that we have control over death) but maybe since

he's is worried already let him know she can't fight anymore she's

deciding to stop and knows she's going to go up to Heaven etc where

there's no more pain etc and that he doesn't have any of those

problems etc so it won't happen to him????

just thoughts

eileen

Quoting e <akdelgado@...>:

> Hi,

>

> My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

> related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that anxiety.

> Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to refuse

> further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her to live

> between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after? Any

> suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD kid?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Kris

>

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March 14, 2007

so true - we have said that to dd and we've already heard back - I

just want to die so I don't have to deal and she's 7!!!

eileen

Quoting c ward <cward_ri@...>:

> I wonder if that is the best way to explain. I always think with

> our ocd kids to explain someone can't fight anymore and they're

> going where there is no more pain may hit home to them in a negative

> way. They have to fight every day in a continuous battle. My

> husband always worries that if we portray death in that way, one of

> our children may hold on to that thought and later become suicidal

> when the fight seems like too much.

>

> I think it helps alot that your mom is older (as opposed to a

> young friend of your son). I think just explain that this is the

> plan. We come to earth and everyone must die, and then someday we

> will be reunited (if that is your belief). Help him to understand

> that this is not final, that you will see her again, and that maybe

> for now, she can just be his guardian angel.

>

> I'm sorry you are having to go through this with your mom.

>

> in TN

>

> " autumn71A@... " <autumn71A@...> wrote:

> So sorry to hear - I know I've seen books about

> grandma/grandpa dying

> at the library also would it help to let him know she is choosing to

> stop so in a way she has control over it (normally you wouldn't want

> to give a false sense that we have control over death) but maybe since

> he's is worried already let him know she can't fight anymore she's

> deciding to stop and knows she's going to go up to Heaven etc where

> there's no more pain etc and that he doesn't have any of those

> problems etc so it won't happen to him????

> just thoughts

> eileen

>

> Quoting e <akdelgado@...>:

>

>> Hi,

>>

>> My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

>> related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that anxiety.

>> Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to refuse

>> further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her to live

>> between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after? Any

>> suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD kid?

>>

>> Thanks,

>>

>> Kris

>>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a PS3 game guru.

> Get your game face on with the latest PS3 news and previews at Games.

>

March 14, 2007

I know you can't compare a cat dying to a human being dying however

our cat of 19 years died 4 days before Xmas 2006. My daughter(7) had

just been diagnosed with OCD and she was very symptomatic. This is

what I did. I brought the cat home from the vets after he was put

down. When my daughter got home I let her see him. My husband had

already dug the hole. We carried him out and said a prayer as he was

being buried. She participated in all of this and was very grateful

that she got to say goodbye. For a couple of weeks before he died I

discussed with dd that it wouldn't be too long before Buster (our

cat) was going to die. I explained to her that he was very old and

had had a great life. I told her we were very lucky to have had him

in our lives and that we would meet up with him again when we were

old and it was our time. I explained to her that death was a normal

part of the cycle of life, and that Buster was ready to complete his

cycle. I explained to her that we weren't saying goodbye , but we

were saying see you later, and that Buster was not gone because he

was still in our hearts and in our memories. We talked about all the

funny and loving things he did - I always kept everything upbeat. She

has manageed very well, however when she gets " stressed " she says I

miss Buster and feel really sad. I tell her that I feel sad too, but

that we were lucky for having known him. Then I change the tone to

something upbeat about Buster. It works for us. Hope this helps. ---

In , c ward <cward_ri@...> wrote:

>

> I wonder if that is the best way to explain. I always think with

our ocd kids to explain someone can't fight anymore and they're going

where there is no more pain may hit home to them in a negative way.

They have to fight every day in a continuous battle. My husband

always worries that if we portray death in that way, one of our

children may hold on to that thought and later become suicidal when

the fight seems like too much.

>

> I think it helps alot that your mom is older (as opposed to a

young friend of your son). I think just explain that this is the

plan. We come to earth and everyone must die, and then someday we

will be reunited (if that is your belief). Help him to understand

that this is not final, that you will see her again, and that maybe

for now, she can just be his guardian angel.

>

> I'm sorry you are having to go through this with your mom.

>

> in TN

>

> " autumn71A@... " <autumn71A@...> wrote:

> So sorry to hear - I know I've seen books about

grandma/grandpa dying

> at the library also would it help to let him know she is choosing

to

> stop so in a way she has control over it (normally you wouldn't

want

> to give a false sense that we have control over death) but maybe

since

> he's is worried already let him know she can't fight anymore she's

> deciding to stop and knows she's going to go up to Heaven etc where

> there's no more pain etc and that he doesn't have any of those

> problems etc so it won't happen to him????

> just thoughts

> eileen

>

> Quoting e <akdelgado@...>:

>

> > Hi,

> >

> > My 7 yr old son has OCD and his particular worries and rituals are

> > related to loss and death. He hoards things to reduce that

anxiety.

> > Now, he's about to lose his Grandmother. She has decided to refuse

> > further dialysis treatment, starting next week. They expect her

to live

> > between 3 and 6 days. How should I tell him? Before? Only after?

Any

> > suggestions for kids' books, or ways to approach this with an OCD

kid?

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> > Kris

> >

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a PS3 game guru.

> Get your game face on with the latest PS3 news and previews at

Games.

>

March 14, 2007