Re: Psychological Abuse

May 3, 2006

In a message dated 5/3/2006 3:29:08 PM Eastern Standard Time, mikecarrie01@... writes:

That must have been terrible. My father had a bad temper and fought very strongly with my mother when I was little. I can't stand to hear domestic fights because of that and his temper made me jumpy and afraid. Did that happen to you--on edge, jumpy, worried all the time?

My mother and I were both as edgy as long tailed cats in a rocking chair factory. We could never tell when my father might explode over something, and it could be anything that would set him off. He wasn't physically abusive exactly, but he would throw things, including the dogs, and you could never really be sure if he would start throwing punches.

May 3, 2006

>

" Of course most of this was out of public view. He could be raging and

> snorting all the way from the house to where we were going, then step

out of the

> car with a smile on his face and open the doors for us and act the

perfect

> gentleman. Then we get back in the car and he'd wind up again. Most

people didn't

> believe me, and don't today, when I tell them what a Jekyl and Hyde

he was. "

That must have been terrible. My father had a bad temper and fought

very strongly with my mother when I was little. I can't stand to hear

domestic fights because of that and his temper made me jumpy and

afraid. Did that happen to you--on edge, jumpy, worried all the time?

>

May 3, 2006

wrote: " Most people didn't believe me, and don't today, when

I tell them what a Jekyl and Hyde he was. "

I know this kind of person, , and I am sorry this was your life

as a child.

Raven

May 3, 2006

,

Your father may have had AS traits.

I think the instances you cite were all about him and less about

either of you.

It seems to me that certain people get themselves into " binds. " Your

father was probably taught that a " true " man is one that has a wife

and children with a house and a dog. Your father probably tried to

live up to this social measure but was not up to the challenge due to

AS characteristics. Try as he might he could not do it and so became

angry.

I am sure also that he probably knew during moments of relflection

that how he treated you both was wrong. But he knew also that there

was very little room for his personal redemption, and so he simply

stayed angry all the time.

He also stayed angry for other reasons. He stayed angry at your mom

to make her too afraid to leave and he stayed angry at you so as to

keep you subdued.

This is only a theory as to why he behaved that way, and his behavior

in no way excuses what he did to either of you. But it might help to

remember that your father is human in torment, even if he is mean and

tormented you two.

Tom

Administrator

In a message dated 5/3/2006 11:16:30 AM Eastern Standard Time,

ravenmagic2003@... writes:

I am so sorry to hear that, .

Raven

Thanks. It was a rough time living with him. My mother feared I'd be

a lot like him but I haven't turned out that way. Sure I can be a

little controlling, but that's typial AS, but not so controlling that

I will tell my mother what she can and can't do when she's in her own

room or whatever.

Let me give you some examples.

We would often make the trip from Virginia to Alabama in one go, 18

hours straight on the road. During that time my father would get

really upset if my mother or I needed to go to the bathroom. Many

times we would stop at a rest stop and have to run in with my father

saying we had 2 minutes. We'd be moving fast as he sat there revving

the engine. Yes, he very well may have left us.

We rarely stayed in hotels. When we did, he would often rent three

rooms. My mother and I would take one, he would take the middle one

and the third would stay empty so there would be no noise coming

through the walls. I have also seen him pitch royal fits if he went

into a room that had a connecting door. I remember once he raged and

snorted all the way back to the front desk. He threw his suitcases

into the planter outside the door and told me to stay outside. I

could see him through the window just raging at the people. Outside

was this policemen by his car who was looking at me. We looked at

each other for a very long time and I was sorely tempted to go over

and ask for protection and a safe ride home. That wouldn't really

have worked though since the folks were still together at the time.

We were in Alabama once and we just starting out on a trip. He was

angry, as usual, and the jingling keys were bothering him. So he

yanks the keys out of the ignition, pulls off the car key and throws

the rest down on the floor and proceeded to drive like a maniac to

where ever it was we were going. Then we get back and he gets mad

again because he has to crawl around looking for the house key.

Sometimes we would even get very far on the trips. Many times we

would be planning a trip for weeks, have the car packed and even get

started on the way only to turn around because he didn't feel like

going any more or got angry about something. There was one time we

were in Washington DC and my mother and I were out for a walk. We

came back to the hotel and my father had already checked us out of

the hotel, 2 days before we were to leave, and was fuming mad because

we had to go back to the room and pack before they charged him for

another day. Then he fumed and raged all the way home, even refusing

to stop for lunch or bathroom breaks.

Of course most of this was out of public view. He could be raging and

snorting all the way from the house to where we were going, then step

out of the car with a smile on his face and open the doors for us and

act the perfect gentleman. Then we get back in the car and he'd wind

up again. Most people didn't believe me, and don't today, when I tell

them what a Jekyl and Hyde he was.

May 4, 2006

> Thanks. It was a rough time living with him. My mother feared I'd be

a lot like him but ....

I am ashamed to admit it but I have been the same way and it took me

many, many years before I sought professional help. Your childhood

sounds alot like my own with my mother being the same way. I promised

I would never do that to my children but ended up doing it anyway.

The shame and guilt I had was so profound I was scared to tell anyone

else. My kids were amazed when I could go from screaming my head off

to answering the phone in the calmest voice like nothing was

happening. I'm lucky that my husband kept at me to go get help and

I'm 100% better. No more walking on eggshells for the rest of the

family which has led to a much more peaceful home.

Kim

May 4, 2006

In a message dated 5/4/2006 1:49:28 PM Eastern Standard Time, no_reply writes:

,Did your mom pick up any bad feelings about him before they got married, or did he charm her?TomAdministrator

No, he was a complete charmer before the wedding and for a little while after.

May 4, 2006

,

Did your mom pick up any bad feelings about him before they got

married, or did he charm her?

Tom

Administrator

My mother said she noticed it, but never put expression to it, but knew

exactly what I was talking about.

May 4, 2006

In a message dated 5/4/2006 6:02:08 PM Eastern Standard Time, no_reply writes:

I am just kind of wondering why she decide to makrry him in the first place.I do not want to pry though, so if you do not wish to answer, please do not.TomAdministrator

I couldn't tell you why as she has never really told me, nor have I asked. I'd tell you if I knew, but I don't. My father could be charming when he wanted to be, very much so. But most of the time he was just nasty.

I saw him working the charm on some other women that he was dating and that I met, but for one reason or another things always ended. I think it was that he was losing his touch as he got older.

May 4, 2006