Re: My year of emails

[Guest guest]

Summary of my Year on the ComputerI must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. This is especially pleasant as I do all my Christmas cards._____________________________________________________Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason._____________________________________________________I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Br own) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time._____________________________________________________I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program._____________________________________________________I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish._____________________________________________________I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers._____________________________________________________I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day._____________________________________________________Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends a nd make a wish within five minutes._____________________________________________________Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and blood from the highway._____________________________________________________I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas._____________________________________________________I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans._____________________________________________________I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer._____________________________________________________And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.______________________________________________ _______I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, go to the movies or pump my own gas because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS._____________________________________________________I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me._____________________________________________________I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise._____________________________________________________I no longer shop at Target since they are French or get coffee at Starbucks because they don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army._____________________________________________________I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, < st1:country-region w:st="on">Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan._____________________________________________________I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike._____________________________________________________I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe._____________________________________________________Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt._____________________________________________________Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney, Ben Stein, Harvey, Carlin and Robin has given us. I can live a bett er life now because they've told us how to fix everything._____________________________________________________And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I found in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. _____________________________________________________Oh, and don't forget this one either - I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!_____________________________________________________If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. _____________________________________________________I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.. . _____________________________________________________Have a wonderful Day !