Re: Was: Breastfeeding; Is: ANGER & illness

[Guest guest]

Re: Baby Formula - Breastfeeding!!

> Hello sweet Nenah! You have really put me in my place except for the fact

that I said " should MAYBE " not " SHOULD " . How is that for weaseling out of what

I wrote? :-)

> Of course I agree with virtually everything you say in general but my anger

was and is fueled by the fact that there was nothing to indicate that any

special circumstances influenced this mother's decision. Added to this is the

fact that I am now back in my house with my recently paralyzed " soon to be ex- "

(yes, work that out) and sometimes angered by her choices in ignoring her cancer

to the point where her T3-T2 vertebra were eaten by metastasized bone cancer.

This despite my pleas over the past 3 years that she was being irresponsible

considering that she has a 16 (now) year old daughter. I run the gammit of

feelings about this from anger to sympathy and am really having a tough time

nursing her 24/7 and witnessing her pain and my daughter's confusion and fear

including her questions like " Is my Mommy going to die? " Now my wife is

desperately struggling to live while she answered my pleas 6 months ago with " I

am not going to get serious, I am going to lead a normal life!!!! " Today, only

4 months later, I (and the occasional hospice nurse) are doing everything from

bathing her, cleaning her bowels and feeding her while we are attempting to

handled my daughter's fear - this is her " normal " life. You are right, she

chose her path but, she has also dragged some incredible caring and loving

people onto that path with her. Of course, one can always say we are choosing

our paths too which is absolutely true but society is made up of selfish people

and selfless people (as so many of our friends are proving to me daily). My

point is exactly that: Choose your path, but with a little more care and

consideration in ones choices, one could help to make the world and the life of

their children, friends and loved ones a little bit better as a result of those

choices.

> Sorry that my only post for a long time is so filled with anger and

intolerance for these selfish people :-) You know I love you my dear. :-)

:-)

> Best wishes and much love, Ken

Hello Ken.

I completely understand your anger, upset and venting. Clearly, there's a lot on

your plate right now (and some of that food is *very* moldy).

I, too, had a sense that the mother-who-doesn't-want-to-breastfeed did not have

special circumstances that influenced her decision, which is why my original

post contained an undercurrent of disapproval (which I am not proud of).

However, given that my psychic abilities are not always working properly (!),

and because a few lines in an email hardly shows the complexity of a human being

or the person's situation, I took Gail's post to heart and realized that I

didn't want to assume. (Remember: assuming makes an ass out of you and me.)

Now on to your situation...immensely difficult, to be sure. A few things come to

me.

First, anger held in becomes resentment; and resentment, when it simmers for

awhile, becomes rage. Anger -- the first level of emotional response, and not

suppressed or repressed like resentment and rage are -- is healthy. Its energy

is motivating, because it can be used to correct or change conditions you don't

like. Resentment and rage, precisely because they have incubated within the

person without any relief or perceived change in the circumstance that was

initially angering, poison the system with their stress hormones. You probably

already know this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded

So, considering that you have been involved in a longstanding situation of a

soon-to-be-ex who's on a path of self-destruction with her *own* acting out of

negative emotions, it's understandable that you harbor resentment. You might

want to look at this, because as long as you remain resentful (if not rageful),

she has " gotten " you. Her unexpressed anger towards you (unexpressed in the form

of self-destructiveness, lack of consideration for your daughter, etc.) has

riddled you like bullets and now *you're* the one who's pissed.

It might be helpful it you could find a way to release that

anger-turned-to-resentment (and perhaps some rage?). I know how poisonous

resentment is. I have experienced myself that resentment and rage hurt the

person who feel them at least as much -- if not more -- than the person who is

the object of those feelings.

You write: " You are right, she [your soon-to-be-ex] chose her path but, she has

also dragged some incredible caring and loving people onto that path with her. "

Consider, Ken, that you cannot be dragged unless you allow yourself to be

dragged. I believe that we all choose our lessons. And yes, some of those

lessons are very difficult.

You cannot intervene for your daughter. She has to face the fact that (if

appearances are accurate) her mother's going to die rather soon. You cannot

protect her from her mother's death, any more than you can protect her from her

own anger, confusion, guilt, or heartbreak. These are *her* feelings. You can

only provide support and love for her (including outside therapy) as she

navigates this difficult terrain and learns to handle her emotional state.

Some people choose to leave for any number of reasons. We don't -- indeed, we

can't -- always know what those reasons are.

There may be a powerful lesson here about anger and self-containment. Your wife

and you were ideologically and emotionally incompatible in a number of ways. The

existence of power struggles means that a person is trying to " one-up " the other

person. But ultimately, deep down, power struggles are about feeling

unappreciated, unacknowledged, and unloved. This might be a good opportunity for

you to practice omni-love, or universal love. Universal love is *not* martyrdom;

martyrdom is built on resentment and a lack of love. Genuine love is possible

when there is not an investment in how someone else reacts. All you can do is

maintain a calm and loving center. This means being appropriately firm -- not

taking any bullshit -- or gentle when necessary. Strengthening your own

boundaries may be the best thing you can do for yourself, and for your daughter,

as you deal with this situation. If you don't allow yourself to be dragged into

the quagmire, your daughter will have a splendid role model, and come out of

this much stronger.

The best to you all,

Nenah

P.S. I have an essay called " The Compassion in Anger " at

http://www.nenahsylver.com/default.asp?contentID=695

Nenah Sylver, PhD

*Information, products, and services related to healing*

=========================================

THE HOLISTIC HANDBOOK OF SAUNA THERAPY

is now available. Order this and also

THE HANDBOOK OF RIFE FREQUENCY HEALING,

at http://www.nenahsylver.com

[Guest guest]

======continued from prior email======

So, considering that you have been involved in a longstanding situation of a

soon-to-be-ex who's on a path of self-destruction with her *own* acting out of

negative emotions, it's understandable that you harbor resentment. You might

want to look at this, because as long as you remain resentful (if not rageful),

she has " gotten " you. Her unexpressed anger towards you (unexpressed in the form

of self-destructiveness, lack of consideration for your daughter, etc.) has

riddled you like bullets and now *you're* the one who's pissed.

It might be helpful it you could find a way to release that

anger-turned-to-resentment (and perhaps some rage?). I know how poisonous

resentment is. I have experienced myself that resentment and rage hurt the

person who feel them at least as much -- if not more -- than the person who is

the object of those feelings.

You write: " You are right, she [your soon-to-be-ex] chose her path but, she has

also dragged some incredible caring and loving people onto that path with her. "

Consider, Ken, that you cannot be dragged unless you allow yourself to be

dragged. I believe that we all choose our lessons. And yes, some of those

lessons are very difficult.

You cannot intervene for your daughter. She has to face the fact that (if

appearances are accurate) her mother's going to die rather soon. You cannot

protect her from her mother's death, any more than you can protect her from her

own anger, confusion, guilt, or heartbreak. These are *her* feelings. You can

only provide support and love for her (including outside therapy) as she

navigates this difficult terrain and learns to handle her emotional state.

Some people choose to leave for any number of reasons. We don't -- indeed, we

can't -- always know what those reasons are.

There may be a powerful lesson here about anger and self-containment. Your wife

and you were ideologically and emotionally incompatible in a number of ways. The

existence of power struggles means that a person is trying to " one-up " the other

person. But ultimately, deep down, power struggles are about feeling

unappreciated, unacknowledged, and unloved. This might be a good opportunity for

you to practice omni-love, or universal love. Universal love is *not* martyrdom;

martyrdom is built on resentment and a lack of love. Genuine love is possible

when there is not an investment in how someone else reacts. All you can do is

maintain a calm and loving center. This means being appropriately firm -- not

taking any bullshit -- or gentle when necessary. Strengthening your own

boundaries may be the best thing you can do for yourself, and for your daughter,

as you deal with this situation. If you don't allow yourself to be dragged into

the quagmire, your daughter will have a splendid role model, and come out of

this much stronger.

The best to you all,

Nenah

P.S. I have an essay called " The Compassion in Anger " at

http://www.nenahsylver.com/default.asp?contentID=695

Nenah Sylver, PhD

*Information, products, and services related to healing*

=========================================

THE HOLISTIC HANDBOOK OF SAUNA THERAPY

is now available. Order this and also

THE HANDBOOK OF RIFE FREQUENCY HEALING,

at http://www.nenahsylver.com

[Guest guest]

Re: Baby Formula - Breastfeeding!!

> Hello sweet Nenah! You have really put me in my place except for the fact

that I said " should MAYBE " not " SHOULD " . How is that for weaseling out of what

I wrote? :-)

> Of course I agree with virtually everything you say in general but my anger

was and is fueled by the fact that there was nothing to indicate that any

special circumstances influenced this mother's decision. Added to this is the

fact that I am now back in my house with my recently paralyzed " soon to be ex- "

(yes, work that out) and sometimes angered by her choices in ignoring her cancer

to the point where her T3-T2 vertebra were eaten by metastasized bone cancer.

This despite my pleas over the past 3 years that she was being irresponsible

considering that she has a 16 (now) year old daughter. I run the gammit of

feelings about this from anger to sympathy and am really having a tough time

nursing her 24/7 and witnessing her pain and my daughter's confusion and fear

including her questions like " Is my Mommy going to die? " Now my wife is

desperately struggling to live while she answered my pleas 6 months ago with " I

am not going to get serious, I am going to lead a normal life!!!! " Today, only

4 months later, I (and the occasional hospice nurse) are doing everything from

bathing her, cleaning her bowels and feeding her while we are attempting to

handled my daughter's fear - this is her " normal " life. You are right, she

chose her path but, she has also dragged some incredible caring and loving

people onto that path with her. Of course, one can always say we are choosing

our paths too which is absolutely true but society is made up of selfish people

and selfless people (as so many of our friends are proving to me daily). My

point is exactly that: Choose your path, but with a little more care and

consideration in ones choices, one could help to make the world and the life of

their children, friends and loved ones a little bit better as a result of those

choices.

> Sorry that my only post for a long time is so filled with anger and

intolerance for these selfish people :-) You know I love you my dear. :-)

:-)

> Best wishes and much love, Ken

Hello Ken.

I completely understand your anger, upset and venting. Clearly, there's a lot on

your plate right now (and some of that food is *very* moldy).

I, too, had a sense that the mother-who-doesn't-want-to-breastfeed did not have

special circumstances that influenced her decision, which is why my original

post contained an undercurrent of disapproval (which I am not proud of).

However, given that my psychic abilities are not always working properly (!),

and because a few lines in an email hardly shows the complexity of a human being

or the person's situation, I took Gail's post to heart and realized that I

didn't want to assume. (Remember: assuming makes an ass out of you and me.)

Now on to your situation...immensely difficult, to be sure. A few things come to

me.

First, anger held in becomes resentment; and resentment, when it simmers for

awhile, becomes rage. Anger -- the first level of emotional response, and not

suppressed or repressed like resentment and rage are -- is healthy. Its energy

is motivating, because it can be used to correct or change conditions you don't

like. Resentment and rage, precisely because they have incubated within the

person without any relief or perceived change in the circumstance that was

initially angering, poison the system with their stress hormones. You probably

already know this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded

======continued in next email======

[Guest guest]

Re: Baby Formula - Breastfeeding!!

> Hello sweet Nenah! You have really put me in my place except for the fact

that I said " should MAYBE " not " SHOULD " . How is that for weaseling out of what

I wrote? :-)

> Of course I agree with virtually everything you say in general but my anger

was and is fueled by the fact that there was nothing to indicate that any

special circumstances influenced this mother's decision. Added to this is the

fact that I am now back in my house with my recently paralyzed " soon to be ex- "

(yes, work that out) and sometimes angered by her choices in ignoring her cancer

to the point where her T3-T2 vertebra were eaten by metastasized bone cancer.

This despite my pleas over the past 3 years that she was being irresponsible

considering that she has a 16 (now) year old daughter. I run the gammit of

feelings about this from anger to sympathy and am really having a tough time

nursing her 24/7 and witnessing her pain and my daughter's confusion and fear

including her questions like " Is my Mommy going to die? " Now my wife is

desperately struggling to live while she answered my pleas 6 months ago with " I

am not going to get serious, I am going to lead a normal life!!!! " Today, only

4 months later, I (and the occasional hospice nurse) are doing everything from

bathing her, cleaning her bowels and feeding her while we are attempting to

handled my daughter's fear - this is her " normal " life. You are right, she

chose her path but, she has also dragged some incredible caring and loving

people onto that path with her. Of course, one can always say we are choosing

our paths too which is absolutely true but society is made up of selfish people

and selfless people (as so many of our friends are proving to me daily). My

point is exactly that: Choose your path, but with a little more care and

consideration in ones choices, one could help to make the world and the life of

their children, friends and loved ones a little bit better as a result of those

choices.

> Sorry that my only post for a long time is so filled with anger and

intolerance for these selfish people :-) You know I love you my dear. :-)

:-)

> Best wishes and much love, Ken

Hello Ken.

I completely understand your anger, upset and venting. Clearly, there's a lot on

your plate right now (and some of that food is *very* moldy).

I, too, had a sense that the mother-who-doesn't-want-to-breastfeed did not have

special circumstances that influenced her decision, which is why my original

post contained an undercurrent of disapproval (which I am not proud of).

However, given that my psychic abilities are not always working properly (!),

and because a few lines in an email hardly shows the complexity of a human being

or the person's situation, I took Gail's post to heart and realized that I

didn't want to assume. (Remember: assuming makes an ass out of you and me.)

Now on to your situation...immensely difficult, to be sure. A few things come to

me.

First, anger held in becomes resentment; and resentment, when it simmers for

awhile, becomes rage. Anger -- the first level of emotional response, and not

suppressed or repressed like resentment and rage are -- is healthy. Its energy

is motivating, because it can be used to correct or change conditions you don't

like. Resentment and rage, precisely because they have incubated within the

person without any relief or perceived change in the circumstance that was

initially angering, poison the system with their stress hormones. You probably

already know this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded

======continued in next email======

[Guest guest]

Nenah, Ken etc...responding to part one of Nenah's post, and this

note:

" So, considering that you have been involved in a longstanding

situation of a

soon-to-be-ex who's on a path of self-destruction with her *own*

acting out of

negative emotions, it's understandable that you harbor resentment "

How do we know that? We are not immortal beings, and most of us

don't live fully vital lives and then when we choose, lie down in our

sleep and gracefully exit our bodies, or like some monks *supposedly*

are so enlightened our bodies then disintegrate...

The old joke, the only two certainties in life are death and taxes...

One could view her differently, Ken, and say that she fought it off

and gained many more years of life (that was the story I recall from

the early days of my posting on this list)...but nobody is immortal.

BOdies do fail, even the bodies of enlightened beings, supposedly...

I think it is perhaps incorrect to assume therefore that all such

events are based on self-destruction, resentment, etc etc.Perhaps it

would be most healing to view her differently. Nobody knows the

bigger picture, but anyway, sometimes there really are physical

causes to things, genetic weaknesses, environmental toxins etc. You

are not, for instance, angry at your daughter for her disabilities

because you can clearly see the physical cause--something she can't

do a lot about, although you may have helped her as much as you can.

Perhaps you are making an assumption re: your wife, based of course

on the pain of potentially losing her.

Hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here...these are just some

thoughts...they may not apply but perhaps they might...