introduction - long

[Guest guest]

I have been half lurking for a short bit before introducing our situation. I

was on this list a few years ago but the number of emails that are produced

here were overwhelming so I stopped for a while. This a very supportive list

and I am glad it is here!

I am trying to figure out where to begin! I have four sons and their ages

range from 10 to 18. My 13 year old, K, is the one with a mild case of OCD.

I am also married to an OCDer. My husband, B, and I had no clue that he had

OCD until we learned about OCD with regards to K. We first realized

something was amiss when our now 13 year old was around 10 years old. He

exhibited some " strange " behaviors when he was younger but I did not make

the connection until he was around 10 due to his excessive hand washing to

the point of his skin bleeding. I recall thinking at first that all he

needed was to be taught how to wash and rinse the soap off properly. His

brothers were more aware than I of the frequency of this behavior. When his

hands were bleeding and his brothers told me of the frequency, B and I

thought that was bizarre and tried to stop him one day from an unnecessary

washing before departing to go out on an outing. He cried so hard when we

prevented him. He was so miserable on the outing and we were shocked. Since

when do 10 year old boys want to be " clean " ? Anyway, that was the turning

point for us and we learned it was OCD. My husband, B, then admitted that he

had bad thoughts and assumed everyone did. We went to a very nice cognitive

behavioral therapist based on the recommendations of this group three years

ago. Thank you everyone for helping us back then. Unfortunately, K, refused

to talk with the therapist. We only had two sessions because of this. The

therapist decided that based on our description of K that he was probably a

mild OCDer but could not say for certainty without K's cooperation. Thus she

shared a cognitive program to use with K. This program has helped us over

the years. Now when K exhibits a behavior that is unhealthy for him or

others around him, all I usually need to do is mention that I think it is an

OCD thing and he usually works on it in private (after denying it is OCD, of

course ).

Now that he is 13, I have concerns mainly in two areas. The first is his

behavior toward his brothers. It was been a couple of years now and I was

hoping it was due to sibling rivalry but now I am not sure. My non-OCD boys

(the other three) have squabbled when they were younger and this gradually

lessened over the years - this is especially true for my 18 and 16 year

olds. Those two argued when they were little but that stopped for the most

part when my oldest turned into a teenager. Their bickering was rarely

prolonged and mild. K's style is very mean and harsh and he uses lots of

swearing. The other three complain about how mean he can be without

provocation. Usually this happens out of my eye sight (I am deaf so they

take advantage of this so I never overhear how it actually all starts).

I am inclined to believe my older two's interpretation as opposed to my

non-OCD 10 year old and my OCD 13 year old. My 10 year old can be an

instigator. He is a sweet boy but an imp and loves to joke around. This is

hard on my OCDer. However that is not the whole story because K is mean to

the older two too. Those two rarely instigate anything. They just do their

thing and find K bothering them and when they ask him to leave them alone he

sometimes goes on a mean streak. I have talked with K about this and usually

he tries hard to make up for what he has said by doing their chores or

buying them a gift. I know he is trying but I don't know how to help him.

The second concern I have is his contamination concerns now that he is a

teen. He thinks kissing and showing affection is " sick " . I am not talking

about " R " rated stuff but more of the " G " kind. He makes negative comments

whenever he sees my husband and I express affection with a light kiss or

hug. He talks negatively if one of his brothers brings up the topic. Or if I

talk about sex in terms of education (birds and bees stuff), he covers his

ears and can't handle it. The irony is that he has all female friends mostly

due to his interests. K is a serious ballet dancer and is surrounded by

females. His two closest friends are females. He has no male friends outside

of his brothers. His younger brother made the mistake of lightly teasing K

about having a girlfriend. K went berserk and was very upset at the

allegation. His older brothers, when subjected to the same teasing at that

age, were also not thrilled but did not react as strongly as K has. I am

concerned about how to help him have a healthy attitude about his body and

relationships of that kind. I told him that while he may feel this way

today, and that it was normal not to understand the attraction but that his

body was changing and that in a couple of years he will feel differently. I

am wondering how OCDers handle the teen years if they have contamination

issues, etc?

I can't talk with my husband's mother about how she raised him and if he

followed the same path my son is following. She is so defensive and in

denial that this is a genetic condition. My husband thinks that his mother

is probably an OCDer too now that we know more about OCD so that may be why

she is so defensive when I try to talk about this with her to get insight as

a parent. K is also still opposed to talking with a therapist. When he was

on a particularly mean streak, I threatened to take him in for counseling. I

stressed that relationships with family members are important and the

therapist could help all parties and that no one was at fault. I also

explained that the therapist would not be taking sides but helping all

parties with effective communication. The threat worked in the sense that he

stopped being so mean for now but I would rather gain an understanding of

the underlying problem.

Well, I think this is long enough and hope some of you have some insight

into these two concerns I have.

Thanks in advance.

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