Re: I FEEL WERE IN CRISIS HELP !

October 5, 2006

CAN I SAY .. IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS ASPERGERS .... HARDER

CUZ NO MATTER HOWMUCH I READ .. AND LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET .. I STILL DONT

KNOW WHAT TO DO ... LAST NITE ALEX HAD A MELT DOWN .. WE COULDNT SPANK ..

BUT WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO .. WE TALKED QUIETLY TO HIM ... ANMD IT

GOT US NO WHERE ...ME AND MY HUSBAND GRABBED HIM AND HELD HIM IN A HUG

EMBRACE ... TRYIN TO QUIET HIM .. WELL IT MADE IT WORSE

Yes, it would. It is a sensory thing, where he cannot bear to be touched

like that. Talking is no good, as he will not be able to process the words.

Once a meltdown has started you just have to let it run its course.

The best thing to do is try to notice what triggers these meltdowns and as

far as you can, order his environment (physical and especially social) to

avoid the things which he cannot cope with.

NO ONE SEEMS TO GET HE HATES SCHOOL

You need to get some social support/changes put in place so that he can

tolerate it better, or teach him at home, where you have more control over

the environment and he doesn't have to try to process all the social stuff

as well as being expected to learn. Give him plenty of downtime when he gets

home, where he is not expected to interact with anybody (and I do mean

*anybody* - friends, neighbours, relatives are all out).

in England

October 5, 2006

CAN I SAY .. IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS ASPERGERS .... HARDER

CUZ NO MATTER HOWMUCH I READ .. AND LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET .. I STILL DONT

KNOW WHAT TO DO ... LAST NITE ALEX HAD A MELT DOWN .. WE COULDNT SPANK ..

BUT WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO .. WE TALKED QUIETLY TO HIM ... ANMD IT

GOT US NO WHERE ...ME AND MY HUSBAND GRABBED HIM AND HELD HIM IN A HUG

EMBRACE ... TRYIN TO QUIET HIM .. WELL IT MADE IT WORSE

Yes, it would. It is a sensory thing, where he cannot bear to be touched

like that. Talking is no good, as he will not be able to process the words.

Once a meltdown has started you just have to let it run its course.

The best thing to do is try to notice what triggers these meltdowns and as

far as you can, order his environment (physical and especially social) to

avoid the things which he cannot cope with.

NO ONE SEEMS TO GET HE HATES SCHOOL

You need to get some social support/changes put in place so that he can

tolerate it better, or teach him at home, where you have more control over

the environment and he doesn't have to try to process all the social stuff

as well as being expected to learn. Give him plenty of downtime when he gets

home, where he is not expected to interact with anybody (and I do mean

*anybody* - friends, neighbours, relatives are all out).

in England

October 5, 2006

Tammy, I have been in your shoes, before!! We have a 14 year old

daughter who has meltdowns, although less frequent over the past few

years. You do have to let the meltdowns run their course. You have

to create a safe haven at home, and find ways to help him with

anxiety and stress.

This is the one disorder that it seems no one gets in

the " outside " world. It even took a long time for my husband and I

to " get it " , and even now that we do, we don't always get it right!!

As far as the school goes, very few really understand. You

have to be the one to educate them!! Lucky you!! That means

researching the disorder, and trying to get into your sons

brain..Have you had a case study done on him? Does he have an

IEP?? There are some really good books..one I have read

is " Hitchhiking Through Aspergers Syndrome " by Lise Pyles. This is

just one of many, and I tend to take what I need from a book and see

what really applies to my situation.

I had trouble with the school when my oldest son was diagnosed

ADD..They really did nothing to help him. I pulled him out of

school after 2nd grade, and homeschooled for 6 years..all three of

my children. My son is now in public school for high school , and

soaring!! They don't recognize his diagnosis, but he's been able to

compensate for it.. We didn't even know my daughter was Aspergers,

until we put her in public school...She is still in public school,

but we will see how cooperative the school will be.

I am convinced that the majority of schools just don't know how

to handle Aspergers. It takes so much advocating, it takes so much

fighting, so get ready!! You have to ask yourself if it's all worth

the fight!! I think it is, if you can get help from the school...

Research what it is your son needs..Does he need to take

sensory breaks every hour?? Does he need to have concepts broken

down for him...Only you know what he needs..Have him tested, get

help, be strong!! You are not alone...Many of us have been in your

shoes..Don't give up..

One more thing, give yourself time. Find time alone away from

the problem..It seems it can be bigger than life...God only gives

you one day at a time..

I hope I've been helpful....I really mean when I say that I

hope it goes well for you.....Sincerely, in IL

>

> CAN I SAY .. IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS

ASPERGERS .... HARDER

> CUZ NO MATTER HOWMUCH I READ .. AND LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET .. I

STILL DONT

> KNOW WHAT TO DO ... LAST NITE ALEX HAD A MELT DOWN .. WE COULDNT

SPANK ..

> BUT WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO .. WE TALKED QUIETLY TO HIM ...

ANMD IT GOT

> US NO WHERE ...ME AND MY HUSBAND GRABBED HIM AND HELD HIM IN A

HUG EMBRACE ...

> TRYIN TO QUIET HIM .. WELL IT MADE IT WORSE HE STARTED LITERALLY

CRYING ..

> AND CHANTING LOUDLY IM SWEATING .. IM SWEATING .. AND

SCREAMING ..SO WE LET

> HIM GO ... WE COULD TELL THIS WASNOT HELPING ..WHAT DO WE DO ?? I

HAVE READ

> BOOKS .. I HAVE LOOKED UP ON WEB SITES WHAT DO WE DO ?? HE IS AT

SCHOOL .. TODAY

> .. I PRAY HE IS OK .. NO ONE SEEMS TO GET HE HATES SCHOOL ... I

FEEL THAT WE

> ARE IN CRISIS .. BUT I CANT FIND ANYONE TO HELP US PLEASE SEND

ADVISE ..

> THANKS TAMMY SON WITH ASPERGERS AGE 6 1ST GRADE

>

October 5, 2006

In a message dated 10/5/2006 12:02:44 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, tamsexyred34@... writes:

IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS ASPERGERS

Dear Tammy,

An acknowledgement (silent, unless directed to say it audibly) that only God has Power over him, not something called autism or asperger's.

And my heart goes out to you. I know how hard these -- hydrogen bombs (more accurate than a meltdown in my experience!) can be.

Love,

Francine

October 5, 2006

My son used to have meltdowns where it was impossible to talk to him. One day, while he was calm, I had a talk with him about his meltdowns and told him next time he had one, we would count to 10 slowly and see if we could get him to calm down. So his next meltdown, we counted together and it did calm him down long enough for me to talk to him. It probably will not stop the meltdown, but it might atleast give you a few moments in between to talk to him during the episode.

My son also has sensory integration disorder. You may want to look into that and see if your son has it too.. Many kids with SI disorder can not handle being touched. My son is on the opposite end of it. He craves touch and loves to touch others (can be very annoying, LOL!). Maybe try keeping a log of the situation, environment, etc. and see if you can pinpoint the trigger(s).

Have you ever considered homeschooling? My son was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at age 7. I honestly think it was because of the stress of school. He was unable to function in the classroom. So I made the decision to homeschool. Even that was too much for him, so now we unschool. He is much happier now and he asks me lots of questions.When he was in school, he would avoid anything he percieved as educational because he associated it with school. But now he loves to learn new things and when he accomplishes something, he is proud.

My son is almost 10 now and his meltdowns (atlease major ones) are not a frequent as they used to be. I think the important thing is that you have a plan before they happen.

I hope this helps a little!

On 10/4/06, tamsexyred34@... <tamsexyred34@...> wrote:

CAN I SAY .. IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS ASPERGERS .... HARDER CUZ NO MATTER HOWMUCH I READ .. AND LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET .. I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ... LAST NITE ALEX HAD A MELT DOWN .. WE COULDNT SPANK .. BUT WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO .. WE TALKED QUIETLY TO HIM ... ANMD IT GOT US NO WHERE ...ME AND MY HUSBAND GRABBED HIM AND HELD HIM IN A HUG EMBRACE ... TRYIN TO QUIET HIM .. WELL IT MADE IT WORSE HE STARTED LITERALLY CRYING .. AND CHANTING LOUDLY IM SWEATING .. IM SWEATING .. AND SCREAMING ..SO WE LET HIM GO ... WE COULD TELL THIS WASNOT HELPING ..WHAT DO WE DO ?? I HAVE READ BOOKS .. I HAVE LOOKED UP ON WEB SITES WHAT DO WE DO ?? HE IS AT SCHOOL .. TODAY .. I PRAY HE IS OK .. NO ONE SEEMS TO GET HE HATES SCHOOL ... I FEEL THAT WE ARE IN CRISIS .. BUT I CANT FIND ANYONE TO HELP US PLEASE SEND ADVISE .. THANKS TAMMY SON WITH ASPERGERS AGE 6 1ST GRADE

-- Happily married to Eugene since Feb. 2, 1998

Proud mom of 4 boys... Eugene Nov. 6 1996Dylan May 17 2002Logan Ryley Mar. 20 2004 Mar 1 2006

October 5, 2006

My son used to have meltdowns where it was impossible to talk to him. One day, while he was calm, I had a talk with him about his meltdowns and told him next time he had one, we would count to 10 slowly and see if we could get him to calm down. So his next meltdown, we counted together and it did calm him down long enough for me to talk to him. It probably will not stop the meltdown, but it might atleast give you a few moments in between to talk to him during the episode.

My son also has sensory integration disorder. You may want to look into that and see if your son has it too.. Many kids with SI disorder can not handle being touched. My son is on the opposite end of it. He craves touch and loves to touch others (can be very annoying, LOL!). Maybe try keeping a log of the situation, environment, etc. and see if you can pinpoint the trigger(s).

Have you ever considered homeschooling? My son was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at age 7. I honestly think it was because of the stress of school. He was unable to function in the classroom. So I made the decision to homeschool. Even that was too much for him, so now we unschool. He is much happier now and he asks me lots of questions.When he was in school, he would avoid anything he percieved as educational because he associated it with school. But now he loves to learn new things and when he accomplishes something, he is proud.

My son is almost 10 now and his meltdowns (atlease major ones) are not a frequent as they used to be. I think the important thing is that you have a plan before they happen.

I hope this helps a little!

On 10/4/06, tamsexyred34@... <tamsexyred34@...> wrote:

CAN I SAY .. IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS ASPERGERS .... HARDER CUZ NO MATTER HOWMUCH I READ .. AND LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET .. I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ... LAST NITE ALEX HAD A MELT DOWN .. WE COULDNT SPANK .. BUT WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO .. WE TALKED QUIETLY TO HIM ... ANMD IT GOT US NO WHERE ...ME AND MY HUSBAND GRABBED HIM AND HELD HIM IN A HUG EMBRACE ... TRYIN TO QUIET HIM .. WELL IT MADE IT WORSE HE STARTED LITERALLY CRYING .. AND CHANTING LOUDLY IM SWEATING .. IM SWEATING .. AND SCREAMING ..SO WE LET HIM GO ... WE COULD TELL THIS WASNOT HELPING ..WHAT DO WE DO ?? I HAVE READ BOOKS .. I HAVE LOOKED UP ON WEB SITES WHAT DO WE DO ?? HE IS AT SCHOOL .. TODAY .. I PRAY HE IS OK .. NO ONE SEEMS TO GET HE HATES SCHOOL ... I FEEL THAT WE ARE IN CRISIS .. BUT I CANT FIND ANYONE TO HELP US PLEASE SEND ADVISE .. THANKS TAMMY SON WITH ASPERGERS AGE 6 1ST GRADE

-- Happily married to Eugene since Feb. 2, 1998

Proud mom of 4 boys... Eugene Nov. 6 1996Dylan May 17 2002Logan Ryley Mar. 20 2004 Mar 1 2006

October 5, 2006

Tammy,

I know exactly how you feel. I have learned not to internalize my sons melt-downs so much and that really helps. I try to figure out what triggered his anger and consequently the melt-down. Sometimes it is because he is obsessing over something he can't have or do at that moment, sometimes it is overstimulation, something that he did not understand, a break in the routine, etc. It helps to know the trigger.

When he is in a melt-down we observe him to make sure he does not harm anyone including himself, we talk to him as little as possible, we try not to touch at all, and we give him time.

Usually, about fifteen minutes after he has calmed down sometimes longer; I will talk to him and ask him what made him so angry. I usually ask him just a few questions, hopefully the right questions, that will get him to think about what happened, why it happened, and the alternative way he could have handled the situation. This might not work for everyone but it seems to work for us most of the time.

My son does not like school either but when he is hating it more often than not their is a specific problem that he is unable or unwilling to communicate to us. Most often it is a bullying issue or overstimulation. I have to be a detective to try to figure out what is causing the behaviors.

Unfortunately there does not seem to be any magic answer in all of this but I believe attitude and outlook go a long way in how you cope with day to day life with an asperger's child. Oh and having someone to vent to doesn't hurt either.

Best of Luck to you! {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

Jeanette

October 5, 2006

Tammy,

I know exactly how you feel. I have learned not to internalize my sons melt-downs so much and that really helps. I try to figure out what triggered his anger and consequently the melt-down. Sometimes it is because he is obsessing over something he can't have or do at that moment, sometimes it is overstimulation, something that he did not understand, a break in the routine, etc. It helps to know the trigger.

When he is in a melt-down we observe him to make sure he does not harm anyone including himself, we talk to him as little as possible, we try not to touch at all, and we give him time.

Usually, about fifteen minutes after he has calmed down sometimes longer; I will talk to him and ask him what made him so angry. I usually ask him just a few questions, hopefully the right questions, that will get him to think about what happened, why it happened, and the alternative way he could have handled the situation. This might not work for everyone but it seems to work for us most of the time.

My son does not like school either but when he is hating it more often than not their is a specific problem that he is unable or unwilling to communicate to us. Most often it is a bullying issue or overstimulation. I have to be a detective to try to figure out what is causing the behaviors.

Unfortunately there does not seem to be any magic answer in all of this but I believe attitude and outlook go a long way in how you cope with day to day life with an asperger's child. Oh and having someone to vent to doesn't hurt either.

Best of Luck to you! {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

Jeanette

October 5, 2006

If I tried to hold (9) in a hug if she was upset that would make it 10x worse. She feels claustrophobic & panicky like she can't breathe.

E.

Colorado

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."

Cary Grant

I FEEL WERE IN CRISIS HELP !

CAN I SAY .. IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS ASPERGERS .... HARDER CUZ NO MATTER HOWMUCH I READ .. AND LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET .. I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ... LAST NITE ALEX HAD A MELT DOWN .. WE COULDNT SPANK .. BUT WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO .. WE TALKED QUIETLY TO HIM ... ANMD IT GOT US NO WHERE ...ME AND MY HUSBAND GRABBED HIM AND HELD HIM IN A HUG EMBRACE ... TRYIN TO QUIET HIM .. WELL IT MADE IT WORSE HE STARTED LITERALLY CRYING .. AND CHANTING LOUDLY IM SWEATING .. IM SWEATING .. AND SCREAMING ..SO WE LET HIM GO ... WE COULD TELL THIS WASNOT HELPING ..WHAT DO WE DO ?? I HAVE READ BOOKS .. I HAVE LOOKED UP ON WEB SITES WHAT DO WE DO ?? HE IS AT SCHOOL .. TODAY .. I PRAY HE IS OK .. NO ONE SEEMS TO GET HE HATES SCHOOL ... I FEEL THAT WE ARE IN CRISIS .. BUT I CANT FIND ANYONE TO HELP US PLEASE SEND ADVISE .. THANKS TAMMY SON WITH ASPERGERS AGE 6 1ST GRADE

Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from across the web, free AOL Mail and more.

October 5, 2006

If I tried to hold (9) in a hug if she was upset that would make it 10x worse. She feels claustrophobic & panicky like she can't breathe.

E.

Colorado

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."

Cary Grant

I FEEL WERE IN CRISIS HELP !

CAN I SAY .. IM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH MY SON WHO HAS ASPERGERS .... HARDER CUZ NO MATTER HOWMUCH I READ .. AND LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET .. I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ... LAST NITE ALEX HAD A MELT DOWN .. WE COULDNT SPANK .. BUT WE DIDNT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO .. WE TALKED QUIETLY TO HIM ... ANMD IT GOT US NO WHERE ...ME AND MY HUSBAND GRABBED HIM AND HELD HIM IN A HUG EMBRACE ... TRYIN TO QUIET HIM .. WELL IT MADE IT WORSE HE STARTED LITERALLY CRYING .. AND CHANTING LOUDLY IM SWEATING .. IM SWEATING .. AND SCREAMING ..SO WE LET HIM GO ... WE COULD TELL THIS WASNOT HELPING ..WHAT DO WE DO ?? I HAVE READ BOOKS .. I HAVE LOOKED UP ON WEB SITES WHAT DO WE DO ?? HE IS AT SCHOOL .. TODAY .. I PRAY HE IS OK .. NO ONE SEEMS TO GET HE HATES SCHOOL ... I FEEL THAT WE ARE IN CRISIS .. BUT I CANT FIND ANYONE TO HELP US PLEASE SEND ADVISE .. THANKS TAMMY SON WITH ASPERGERS AGE 6 1ST GRADE

Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from across the web, free AOL Mail and more.

October 5, 2006

I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you what will help him.

Unfortunately, it seems like we just have to keep on trying

different things to figure out what works best with our children. (I

have a son in kindergarten with Aspergers, and a 4-year old daughter

with autism)

If my son is having a melt-down then I remove him from whatever

situation he is in and put him in his room to calm down. I tell him

to take a deep breath and try to relax. Eventually he calms down.

Most of the time I watch my kids close to try to stop the melt-down

before it actually starts. If I see Ritchie starting to get upset,

that is when I intervene and help him calm down. If it turns into a

full-blown tantrum, then I usually have to just let it run its

course and try to stay calm myself. Afterwards I try to reason with

him to try to get him to see how silly it is to scream and kick on

the floor. I've found that if I stay calm he calms down more

quickly.

My daughter is harder to reason with because she only speaks in

words and short phrases that are very hard to understand. I put her

in her room to let her know that it is not acceptable, and check on

her every few minutes. When she is ready to calm down she will let

me hold her.

You said that he hates school...Does he tell you why? If he is like

my son, it is probably like pulling teeth to get him to talk about

his day. He always tells me, " I'll tell you later. " It might help

to invite a classmate over to play to help him interact with other

kids more. Even if he had a bad day at school, help him see that

you love him and home is always a good place to be. Play or read

with him and do whatever it is that makes him laugh.

How often and how long are his melt-downs? Do you have any idea

what triggers them? I wish I knew your son's personality so I could

give you better ideas. When the bad times are going on, try to

remember the good. You'll get through it!

take care,

Alice

>