auto-repeat, university and life....

[Guest guest]

*siiiigh*

I crashed again... major big time.

Now I am going to inform you just because I need to now completely

block out everything (so I might not be able to come here again for a

while, sorry!!! but it's for my survival, I'll die otherwise!!!), and

that blocking out is in this case also quite purposeful:

my sole focus from this day onward will be finishing university!

there neither exists a world next to nor after nor before finishing

university.

I live for, I live within and I have no life beyond finishing

university (everything else is a waste of time, and will not consume

(much of) my attention or energy). There is nothing beyond this one

thing: finishing university.

I know I can do this, since it worked also with the previous exam,

which I had an eight for btw, plus -more importantly- it kept my mind

from other stuff!

And I am seriously depressed and terrified now!! So I need to keep my

mind from this stuff!!!

I just need to block out the future. Since the future is the big

problem. The future terrifies me and makes me worry day-in-day-out.

So I decided (since nothing and no one helped so far!) I will just

completely deny the existence of any future after this finishing

university. There is no future!! (or just not one I know of! and that

is true too, cause I can't know what or which future comes after!!)

So there just is no 'future' (since there is not one I can see or

define as being The Future!) so there is no future.

next topic.

repetition.

hooray! )))

I love this song. le renard et la belette. ok, I am depressed, it's a

fun folksong, it's quick singing and this version has a nice 'celtic

tune' in it too. So this is probably the 25th time I hear it, and I'm

already feeling better. much better.

btw I hope the upperneighbugs can also hear it!! cause they kept me

out of my sleep again last night (then I slept in my mom's room).

Plus I am clearly coming Aut here!! ))) I used to be ashamed of

everything. I am fighting shame too. I am facing about a million

problems and I can hardly look even one into the eyes, since they run

all through eachother like one big messy spaghetti mikado. But

excessive shame is one of those problems. I like the fact I can

finally put on a song on auto-repeat and very loud!! cause I could

never do that before!!! Always very quiet so no one would hear. You

know, I HATE hiding!!!!! I mean THAT hiding. There are ways of hiding

and ways of hiding. And I am sick and tired of never being able to be

myself anywhere, not even at home!!!!

Fek, I love this song.

;o))))))))))

Have a good time all of you! I'm certain I'll be back, I'll survive

and be happier again. Just need to focus =P

Still learning =)) (one is never to old...)

ceterum censeo...

~Magneto~