Re: Speaking of Sharing.....

[Guest guest]

Well guys, the dreaded exams are over!! Thank you all so much for the good

wishes and support that was sent my way. It really meant a lot to me so

thank you all for that! Why were these exams so important to me...so

important that I almost got sick with worry over them? The nerves....the

shoulders...the stomach...hmmmm.....where to start.

When I was a child, I was abandoned by my parents and raised in Group Homes

and really hateful foster homes. I was the youngest of three children and

was put into group care first when I was 18 months old and then again when I

was 3. After the age of 3, I never left the system. I was suddenly (and

without being told) seperated from my beloved youngest brother when I was 8.

He was sent away and I never lived with him again. My other brother and I

went to a foster home when I was 11. He liked it. I hated it. I ran away

back to the Group Home and so we three children never shared a home again.

During this time I suffered neglect and a lot of abuse - in all it's forms.

Needless to say, because of this, I craved attentiona and I discovered that I

could get it at school.

If this meant showing off, or running fast..or whatever, I would do it. I

craved attention. I soon learned that I could make people laugh and this

served two purposes: it got me the attention I wanted and humor served as a

defense mechanism for me against the misery of my world. I was bright but

naturally my school work suffered. Home was unstimulating to put it mildly

and I had no incentive to do well at school - other than fear of what would

happen to me if I didn't. Fooling around as the class clown was of paramount

importance to me because it made me feel part of a group - a group of kids

with whom I had nothing whatsoever in common. When they were all ga-ga over

the Beatles, I had never even heard pop music since we were not allowed to

listen to the radio in the Home. Anyway, high school came around in the

midst of intense trauma in my life. It couldn't have gotten a lot worse

round about then but still....like all kids, I coped. I wrote my final exams

and " average " would be a fair assessment of my performance.

When I turned 18, I joined the Army. It was great - a lot like being in a

Children's Home but with swearing permitted and pay!! At this time, my

school certificates were mailed to the Matron in the Children's Home. Soon

after I joined the Army, she retired, taking my certificates to where she

lived, somewhere in the middle of England. When she died, no-one thought to

post them to me - probably no-one knew my whereabouts.

Within 5 years I had married, had 2 children, and we had all emigrated to

South Africa. I'd think about going back to school but there were language

problems...and the children were so small..you know how it is. Then my

husband was killed. We had only been in in South Africa just short of a

year. My life had to take a completely new direction and purpose, but

needless to say, I didn't have a whole lotta spare time to educate myself!

Life changed again and I moved to the States 4 years ago. Again my thoughts

turned to education. I'd always felt like a bit of a fraud when asked about

my high school certifcates - as if I was saying, The check's in the mail...or

the dog ate my homework. All attempts to recover my certificates from

England had failed, so out of the blue, I thought, " Well why don't I just go

back to High School now? "

About three weeks ago, I enrolled at the local school and man, was that ever

a shock. Talk about CHANGE!! Still, I was excited. I wrote assessment

tests for 2 mornings and then the teacher said, " OK you're ready...sign up

for the exams....move on...we need the desk! " That's when I sort of hit

panic mode. Then I remembered the library. Got myself a huge GED book and

hit the pages almost 24/7....I had 10 days between getting the book and

writing my first exam. And let's just say I didn't know a whole lot about

New Math and American History...and Behavioral Science? When I was at school

that just meant if you didn't behave you were unscientifically punished. Not

being in the school environment or knowing any other student, I had no idea

what to expect...hence the stomach, the shoulders, the sleeplessness...you

know the drill, but I plugged away.

The exams went well I think. I find out tomorrow. But this was HUGE for me.

It wasn't just " going back to school " . It was giving a chance to myself to

fulfil a part of me that I knew had been buried. It was making a dream come

true. It was about a little girl who always knew that if her life had been

different, she'd have been very smart in school.

So thanks again, for all of your wishes, for sharing in my dream and

listening to this. If you think it was long and boring, be grateful you only

had to read it. I had to LIVE it ha ha.

GO GO GO Champions (pinched from Walt), make YOUR dreams come true and share

your sucess. All the best, Leaner.