Re: Are we too easy on our kids?

February 28, 2006

Hi Ellen, I shared all of my books and info on OCD with my dd's

teachers, highlighting some chapters that really related to what my dd

was experiencing and the best ways to treat it. I found the more I

educated (and could back it up) the more the teachers listened and

lealearned. There is good link on this website about OCD in the

claclassroom that I copied for the teachers, they thought it was very

helhelpful.

in MA

---

February 28, 2006

As a single parent during the worst ocd years I spent countless nights

in my kitchen - crying, yelling, blaming, threatening, punishing,

begging, motivating, bribing, helping, guiding, tricking, rewarding,

you name it.

Noone witnessed it - so noone saw that none of it worked.

But, then again, noone had a first hand chance to criticize me for not

figuring out how to be a good parent.

I knew what he and I would look like if anyone ever saw us - I would

look like the worst parent!!

So, I was always grateful that during the worst stress of it - losing

my mind - at least I didn't have to deal with someone telling me how

to do the job 'right'! (like suggesting a fly-swatter to take down an

elephant!)

At that time I just wish I KNEW how to do the job right - I had no

idea about ocd and . . . oh, well. I always knew I was a good parent,

though, , , helped to not have constant criticism.

One of the ways I became a good parent was the years spent pounding my

head against the ocd wall without breaking his spirit!!

>

> The teacher was tough at the meeting. My cousin thinks kids should

> get strong consequences. When our babysitter helps my dd with

> homework, she sometimes thinks I am too compassionate. Maybe I

don't

> push her enough? Maybe I let her get away with things because of

her

> OCD.....Hmmmm....These things come up over and over again. But I am

> usually right. Tough love doesn't work. Being too hard on her

often

> backfires. She doesn't like taking responsibility for herself.

> However, when it is not OCD related, I think it is easier. Just

> wenting. I am sick of people judging how I parent. If only they

> knew........Ellen

>

March 1, 2006

Ellen, I know how you feel. People only see small pieces of ocd and

don't really have any idea how tough it is. I agree that

with " normal " kids strong consequences are fine if needed, but not

with a child suffering with ocd. It's not their fault. And I don't

think that you can be too compassionate with someone who suffers like

children with ocd do. My child is really struggling with school

issues also and it's very hard. My heart goes out to you. I hope

that the teacher didn't do any lasting damage with her comments. Why

is it that if your child has physical illness that limits them, there

is so much compassion and not so much for mental illness. ---

In , " musicgirl9395 "

<musicgirl9395@...> wrote:

>

> The teacher was tough at the meeting. My cousin thinks kids should

> get strong consequences. When our babysitter helps my dd with

> homework, she sometimes thinks I am too compassionate. Maybe I

don't

> push her enough? Maybe I let her get away with things because of

her

> OCD.....Hmmmm....These things come up over and over again. But I am

> usually right. Tough love doesn't work. Being too hard on her

often

> backfires. She doesn't like taking responsibility for herself.

> However, when it is not OCD related, I think it is easier. Just

> wenting. I am sick of people judging how I parent. If only they

> knew........Ellen

>

March 1, 2006

Hi Ellen

Dont you know that all our OCD kids need is a few weeks with a parent who

knows nothing about OCD and its complications & theyd " soon sort them out " . Or

so i feel they seem to think. We recently spent time with good friends but

who we hardly see. She knows most of whats been going on here. My dd is doing

well with the OCD, but still has to work hard at fighting it.She is trying to

do 1 lesson a day at school since her anxiety levels became so high she

couldnt attend at all.She has an eating disorder,which she is managing ok at the

moment. At age 13 she is dealing with not speaking to her dad for about 6

weeks while her twin continues to see him.Shes on an SSRI since New Year and

depression lifted recently.

We had a rough week last week coz we had to let our dog go to a new home(but

the new puppy has cheared us up) so she spends life working hard at doing

the things that most people do without thinking.

Well, I think that my friend thinks that if I was stricter with her,or she

had her for a month shed soon stop my daughters behaviours such as clinging to

me,not eating much,school etc. She sits too close to the fire & some times

her side becomes really red.Apparently she told my daughter that she does it

for the attention (Im forever telling her to move away) Is it not possible

that she always feels cold because she is so thin?

Im absolutely sick of feeling judged by everyone.

We have to tell psychiatrists, mental health nurses, counsellors etc

personal details of our everyday lives.

My other daughter isnt gaining weight at the speed she used to, I think

because her portions are too small because she sees my portions & the tiny

portions that her twin eats & sets her portions too small.Also,when a child

wont

eat I was told to let her eat whatever she wants so she has crisps & a choc

biscuit for lunch & biscuits for breakfast.Subsequently the other daughters

diet

deteriorated. When the opportunity arose we discussed healthy eating & that

she could eat more at meals. She was happy with this. However when the X

mother in law heard this she told her that she wanted to weigh her the next

time

she saw her & that she was only 98 lbs when she left school. I think she was

saying that theres nothing wrong with her,shes not too light & that i was

just making an issue of Her weight. -so 1) yet another critisism of me, 2)

Im

now wary of saying anything about anything to my own daughter & 3) she

decided that as she is already approx 90 lbs at age 13 (which is slim!) she

aught

to loose weight !!!!!!!!! - I immediatly told her to look in the mirror & see

how beautiful she is & she soon realised that she doesnt need to loose

weight.

Basically- I feel judged by so many people & now am even wary of what i say

to my own kids because of how it is interrpreted by The X & his mom & how that

then affects my kids.

So I agree with you. & your cousin & babysitter will have to just GET

LOST.

Best wishes, Lesley UK x

March 1, 2006

If I had a dime for all those who tell me that OCD is a discipline

issue...sigh...

Kris

>

> The teacher was tough at the meeting. My cousin thinks kids should

> get strong consequences. When our babysitter helps my dd with

> homework, she sometimes thinks I am too compassionate. Maybe I don't

> push her enough? Maybe I let her get away with things because of her

> OCD.....Hmmmm....These things come up over and over again. But I am

> usually right. Tough love doesn't work. Being too hard on her often

> backfires. She doesn't like taking responsibility for herself.

> However, when it is not OCD related, I think it is easier. Just

> wenting. I am sick of people judging how I parent. If only they

> knew........Ellen

>

March 1, 2006

Hi-So many of our friends and family say the same

thing.They just don`t understand.

On the other hand,last week at our p-doc appt,my 17yo

dd had one of her hissy-fits and then a

meltdown-basically told the doc to F himself and

slammed her way out....THAT`S when he told me that on

top of all her legitamite medical/mental

problems...it`s time to let her be responsible for her

own actions. If she can`t bring

herself to get ot together enough to make it to

school-so be it.Let HER deal with the school`s truancy

officer.So far this week she has missed two days of

school.I haven`t call her in sick either.We will see

what consequences,if any,she gets tomorrow.I must

admit,right now I feel pretty good about it.Time will

tell. best-sue12771

--- Kris <akdelgado@...> wrote:

> If I had a dime for all those who tell me that OCD

> is a discipline

> issue...sigh...

> Kris

>

> >

> > The teacher was tough at the meeting. My cousin

> thinks kids should

> > get strong consequences. When our babysitter

> helps my dd with

> > homework, she sometimes thinks I am too

> compassionate. Maybe I don't

> > push her enough? Maybe I let her get away with

> things because of her

> > OCD.....Hmmmm....These things come up over and

> over again. But I am

> > usually right. Tough love doesn't work. Being

> too hard on her often

> > backfires. She doesn't like taking responsibility

> for herself.

> > However, when it is not OCD related, I think it is

> easier. Just

> > wenting. I am sick of people judging how I

> parent. If only they

> > knew........Ellen

> >

>

__________________________________________________

March 1, 2006

I think I would have a good educational book about OCD

ready to hand to the person who comments ignorantly

the most or is butting in the most next time they do.

Suggest that they read it before offering any more

advice or interferance.

--- PpsLesley@... wrote:

---------------------------------

Hi Ellen

Dont you know that all our OCD kids need is a few

weeks with a parent who

knows nothing about OCD and its complications & theyd

" soon sort them out " . Or

so i feel they seem to think. We recently spent time

with good friends but

who we hardly see. She knows most of whats been going

on here. My dd is doing

well with the OCD, but still has to work hard at

fighting it.She is trying to

do 1 lesson a day at school since her anxiety levels

became so high she

couldnt attend at all.She has an eating disorder,which

she is managing ok at the

moment. At age 13 she is dealing with not speaking to

her dad for about 6

weeks while her twin continues to see him.Shes on an

SSRI since New Year and

depression lifted recently.

We had a rough week last week coz we had to let our

dog go to a new home(but

the new puppy has cheared us up) so she spends life

working hard at doing

the things that most people do without thinking.

Well, I think that my friend thinks that if I was

stricter with her,or she

had her for a month shed soon stop my daughters

behaviours such as clinging to

me,not eating much,school etc. She sits too close to

the fire & some times

her side becomes really red.Apparently she told my

daughter that she does it

for the attention (Im forever telling her to move

away) Is it not possible

that she always feels cold because she is so thin?

Im absolutely sick of feeling judged by everyone.

We have to tell psychiatrists, mental health nurses,

counsellors etc

personal details of our everyday lives.

My other daughter isnt gaining weight at the speed she

used to, I think

because her portions are too small because she sees my

portions & the tiny

portions that her twin eats & sets her portions too

small.Also,when a child wont

eat I was told to let her eat whatever she wants so

she has crisps & a choc

biscuit for lunch & biscuits for

breakfast.Subsequently the other daughters diet

deteriorated. When the opportunity arose we discussed

healthy eating & that

she could eat more at meals. She was happy with this.

However when the X

mother in law heard this she told her that she wanted

to weigh her the next time

she saw her & that she was only 98 lbs when she left

school. I think she was

saying that theres nothing wrong with her,shes not too

light & that i was

just making an issue of Her weight. -so 1) yet

another critisism of me, 2) Im

now wary of saying anything about anything to my own

daughter & 3) she

decided that as she is already approx 90 lbs at age

13 (which is slim!) she aught

to loose weight !!!!!!!!! - I immediatly told her to

look in the mirror & see

how beautiful she is & she soon realised that she

doesnt need to loose

weight.

Basically- I feel judged by so many people & now am

even wary of what i say

to my own kids because of how it is interrpreted by

The X & his mom & how that

then affects my kids.

So I agree with you. & your cousin & babysitter

will have to just GET

LOST.

Best wishes, Lesley UK x

March 2, 2006

I'm new to this group, but I think I feel very strongly about the increasing

pressure put on kids today by teachers, parents, society. It starts in pre

school and the message seems to be the best in everything so you can get into

the best (IVY) college.

Kids today have no time to be kids. It's no wonder that an increasing

number are trying to escape this constant pressure any way they can. I wonder

if

some OCD behaviors are ways for them to control their environment which is

getting more and more out of control

JC

March 2, 2006

I agree. In fact I have been at the point many times over the years that I

have challenged those who are critical by offering to give them my son, minus

his meds for about 2 months. They would not need that amount of time to change

their minds!

in Southeastern PA

Kris <akdelgado@...> wrote: