Re: Social Situations: Happy Alone or Wanting to be a part?

[Guest guest]

>Mark: "Which group do you fall into?  What advice can you share with me?Mark,    I am an old man, recently self-diagnosed  with APT, Asperger Personality Traits. I  have managed my life to be around a lot of people, many of whom I have worked with for twenty, twenty five, even thirty years, for only about twenty five days a year. The remaining three hundred and forty days I live in an remote environment with my spouse. So.... I guess I fall into both groups at different times. >"I have a sort of nervous anxiety and sense of "I shouldn't be here.""It was for this very reason that I left the 'normal' business lifestyle to build a life for myself without that anxiety, in a manner that was both successful and satisfying to me.  Rainbow

[Guest guest]

I want to be alone 90% of the time, but have actively wanted to improve my

social skills so that I can interact better during the other 10%. :-)

Though only lately. When I was younger I was more interested in socializing,

but not in learning any social skills. Thus, I did just about everything

wrong. :-(

Reasons for my social nervousness (especiall IRL):

1. Difference. When I'm trying to mix with people who are too different from

myself I easily get nervous and screw things up. Before I used to beat

myself up about it but now I have learned to have empathy with myself and

blaim it on the situation itself rather than on me or any specific person.

That makes it easier to deal with.

The reason one gets more nervous with people too different, I belive is

purely energetic. Their vibes and mine are on such different frequencies

that the gap creates a tension that both parties can probably feel, though

the more sensitive party is likely to feel it much more intensely, and care

about it more.

2. Strangers. I also get more nevous around people I don't know well enough,

since I then have no clue what their background and values are and I'm

afraid to inadvetently insult their beliefs when stating my own opinions. If

only I could keep my mouth shut when unsure, but instead it seems I get even

more talkative from nervousness and just blabber on about things that may be

totally inappropriate.

3. Nervous people. I get nervous when physically around people who are

nervous themselves, since I'm so receptive that I may pick up their fear. A

couple of times I've become consciously aware of picking up fear that was

NOT my own. Once was in a group thingy where each member was supposed to

stand up and introduce themselves. Suddenly I became aware that I was

feeling the nervousness of the OTHER people in the room (since many Swedes

really hate having to do that sort of thing).

4. Disconnected people. I sometimes feel uneasy around people who are not in

touch with their inner Self. That makes it hard to make a real connection

with them, which is frustrating since that's basically the only type of

meeting/communication I'm really interested in.

5. Formal people & situations. I really feel uncomfortable with people who

are very formal and expect me to be the same. I am REALLY not good at being

formal. I find it very hard to put on an act to suit a particular situation;

I'm just ME. I may adapt automatically just a wee bit, but I still have to

be myself.

6. Youth, inexperience & lack of knowledge. When I was younger I was so

totally clueless and would really have been helped by a some guidelines to

go by. Unfortunately, my mom and grandparents had no clue either, so I had

to just try to figure it out by myself. Took me about 4 decades!

7. Big groups. Big groups have always been a source of stress for me. The

more people, the more stressful. Still feel that way, although I'm a lot

less nervous now. But I still get physically overwhelmed in crowds and

prefer one-on-one, or a small group of 3 or 4.

The only advice I can give is to:

a) Practice social skills with those you feel most comfortable with. Small

groups of close friends or relatives (if you have any you feel comfortable

with), then very slowly expand to slightly larger groups and/or people you

don't know quite as well.

Ask for advice from someone you trust if you are unsure of how to act in

various situations.

c) Have compassion & patience with yourself and focus on progress rather

than on mistakes. View your whole life as one long learning situation rather

than as a theatre where one needs to act perfectly or get a bad review. This

way, even if you make mistakes, you just learn from them and move on. It's

really not the end of the world if you're not perfect in every situation.

All you can do is your best.

Remember that you're an Aspie and that you're actually not supposed to be

good at socializing. ;-) You are probably great at other things instead?

d) If you have a sense that you " shouldn't be there " then perhaps you are

right? Perhaps you should be with people more of your own " kind " ? (I find it

SO much easier to get along with other Aspies both online and IRL. All those

other groups I was trying to fit into... I should not have bothered with

them since they were not for me anyway.)

Do they have any local Aspie meetings where you live?

Inger

Social Situations: Happy Alone or Wanting to be

a part?

I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social

skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source of

emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with classmates

to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be able to

enjoy being with others.

Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and

acceptance. Everyone is valued.

Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the

folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

[Guest guest]

I think I'm actually both. I hate being around other people but really

want to be around them anyway.

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

>

> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social

> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source of

> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

classmates

> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

> anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be able

to

> enjoy being with others.

>

> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

[Guest guest]

Hello Mark, I feel rather confused by your categorization of the two

groups but i'll make the best of it . The reason i say this

I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally have

trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two

groups.Let me filter it to the best of my ability so that i feel it

suits my life as i see fit. But picking one out of the two i feel i

fit the second one best . Here is my interpretation:

The first group prefers to be alone in order to improve social

skills, and does not enjoy talking to a society of NTs 24/7/365 with

no end in sight.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me being in an

onslaught of social situations with non AS friends is very

depressing and i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything. I don't

feel on the same psychological level as them. I don't feel like they

understand me as much as I or my AS friends would understand me. I

long to accomplish more in the aspergers syndrome society but i

often get so tied down that i tend to drift away from it and become

unable to do anything about it because i'm constantly being bothered

by all my other friends. It's very monotonous.

Your interpretation is very interesting i must say but to me i

suffer loneliness,depression/anxiety, lack of AS friends, and am

already having far too many problems with my disabled friends than i

would ever want to burden on anybody else. To me there are three

kinds of people: There are the NTs, there's the AS society, and

there's the disabled society. I hope to hear from you soon,good luck

in all you do.

Signed,

Greg

>

> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

social

> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source

of

> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

classmates

> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of

nervous

> anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

able to

> enjoy being with others.

>

> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, alot of people bore me.

I can tolerate a social occassion if I have close friends or people I know around me.

I have never been a "social butterfly", I wish I was.

My wife has actually told me off for talking "deep and meaningful", after parties.

She would say things like " who gives a f... about" such and such.

I thought it is interesting conversation.

The redemption us type of people has is the success of whatever we do.

That peculiararity put to good use.

That is my personal goal, to make one of my "kooky" ideas come to fruitian.

Ah that will be satisfying.

Shaun. Gumina <callisto5784@...> wrote:

Hello Mark, I feel rather confused by your categorization of the two groups but i'll make the best of it . The reason i say this I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally have trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.Let me filter it to the best of my ability so that i feel it suits my life as i see fit. But picking one out of the two i feel i fit the second one best . Here is my interpretation:The first group prefers to be alone in order to improve social skills, and does not enjoy talking to a society of NTs 24/7/365 with no end in sight.> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become > capable of enjoying group activities. For me being in an onslaught of social situations with non AS friends is very depressing and i don't feel

like i'm accomplishing anything. I don't feel on the same psychological level as them. I don't feel like they understand me as much as I or my AS friends would understand me. I long to accomplish more in the aspergers syndrome society but i often get so tied down that i tend to drift away from it and become unable to do anything about it because i'm constantly being bothered by all my other friends. It's very monotonous.Your interpretation is very interesting i must say but to me i suffer loneliness,depression/anxiety, lack of AS friends, and am already having far too many problems with my disabled friends than i would ever want to burden on anybody else. To me there are three kinds of people: There are the NTs, there's the AS society, and there's the disabled society. I hope to hear from you soon,good luck in all you

do. Signed, Greg> > The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social > skills, and doesn't mind their situation.> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become > capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source of > emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with classmates > to continue conversation at a bar, because I

have a sort of nervous > anxiety and sense of "I shouldn't be here." I want to be able to > participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be able to > enjoy being with others.> > Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.

[Guest guest]

Hello Shaun, Yeah alot of the time they don't just bore me they tire

me,lol. It's like it's the same stuff over and over again and i'm

tired of the monotony. But you know i think we're all very gifted

people and that we all have our quirks and that we should take

advantage of those little quirks. Because there are some very

talented people out there among all those aspies, I count myself as

one of them . I'm a musician,artist,poet,historian,and i'm very

good at my video games and working on the internet. I'm a hobbyist

because i have alot of hobbies, i collect coins, i collect and read

comic books, i collect historical items like civil war items and

international historical items. I work on model rockets,model cars

and model planes. So we all have our talents we just need to use

them productively enough that it gets us to jump great guns in life.

I'm also a solid democrat and i've been doing tons of stuff for this

country and the world. So anyways that's all for now, i hope to hear

from you soon,good luck in all you do.

Signed,

Greg

> Hello Mark, I feel rather confused by your categorization of the

two

> groups but i'll make the best of it . The reason i say this

>

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally have

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two

> groups.Let me filter it to the best of my ability so that i feel

it

> suits my life as i see fit. But picking one out of the two i feel

i

> fit the second one best . Here is my interpretation:

>

> The first group prefers to be alone in order to improve social

> skills, and does not enjoy talking to a society of NTs 24/7/365

with

> no end in sight.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me being in an

> onslaught of social situations with non AS friends is very

> depressing and i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything. I

don't

> feel on the same psychological level as them. I don't feel like

they

> understand me as much as I or my AS friends would understand me. I

> long to accomplish more in the aspergers syndrome society but i

> often get so tied down that i tend to drift away from it and

become

> unable to do anything about it because i'm constantly being

bothered

> by all my other friends. It's very monotonous.

>

> Your interpretation is very interesting i must say but to me i

> suffer loneliness,depression/anxiety, lack of AS friends, and am

> already having far too many problems with my disabled friends than

i

> would ever want to burden on anybody else. To me there are three

> kinds of people: There are the NTs, there's the AS society, and

> there's the disabled society. I hope to hear from you soon,good

luck

> in all you do.

>

> Signed,

> Greg

> >

> > The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

> social

> > skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep

source

> of

> > emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

> classmates

> > to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of

> nervous

> > anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able

to

> > participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

> able to

> > enjoy being with others.

> >

> > Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

>

>

>

>

>

> FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

support and acceptance. Everyone is valued.

>

> Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page

in the folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Good question, Mark. My personal experience is that when I was

younger, I wanted to be part of the gatherings; I can remember seeing

older kids out late on the street hanging out, and from my window

wanting to be with them and belong. When I got older, and was able to

hang out, I found they had nothing interesting to say, and my interest

in groups waned. I used to play in a band, and loved being on stage,

but after the show I didn't want to take part in the aftershow scene

hanging out with people who WANTED to talk to me. Usually I'd find the

one person interested in talking music or whatever topic interested me

as opposed to the mindless chatter that goes on in most gatherings.

Eventually I stopped even going to concerts and performing in favor of

composing alone, and instead of performing I post the music on the

web. Very Glenn Gould.

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

>

> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social

> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source of

> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with classmates

> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

> anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be able to

> enjoy being with others.

>

> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

[Guest guest]

I used to arrange rock concerts in the early 80's. I found back-stage life

really zzzzz too. Once some journalist took a picture of me backstage with

one of the leading punk bands in Sweden at the time. I looked REALLY grumpy

in it, lol. Well, no wonder; I was bored out of my head; the only one sober,

sulking in a corner and wondering if I'd ever get to go home so that I could

have a good meal & some sleep, while everyone else - including my bf - was

drinking beer, snorting coke and " having a good time " . I really could not

see the fun in it. I used to get a migraine almost every time. But I could

not leave until everyone had finished partying since I was the driver (among

a host of other things). :-(

Another time someone asked me why I was always so uptight & ungroovy, lol.

Probably because I was so bored!

Inger

Re: Social Situations: Happy Alone or Wanting to

be a part?

Good question, Mark. My personal experience is that when I was

younger, I wanted to be part of the gatherings; I can remember seeing

older kids out late on the street hanging out, and from my window

wanting to be with them and belong. When I got older, and was able to

hang out, I found they had nothing interesting to say, and my interest

in groups waned. I used to play in a band, and loved being on stage,

but after the show I didn't want to take part in the aftershow scene

hanging out with people who WANTED to talk to me. Usually I'd find the

one person interested in talking music or whatever topic interested me

as opposed to the mindless chatter that goes on in most gatherings.

Eventually I stopped even going to concerts and performing in favor of

composing alone, and instead of performing I post the music on the

web. Very Glenn Gould.

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

>

> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social

> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source of

> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with classmates

> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

> anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be able to

> enjoy being with others.

>

> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and

acceptance. Everyone is valued.

Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the

folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

[Guest guest]

I'm in a situation where I can't really practice any social skills;

outside of work, the only people I interact with are my parents. I

moved back in last Thanksgiving, and haven't made any friends since.

Just can't meet anyone here..

> I want to be alone 90% of the time, but have actively wanted to

improve my

> social skills so that I can interact better during the other 10%. :-

)

>

> Though only lately. When I was younger I was more interested in

socializing,

> but not in learning any social skills. Thus, I did just about

everything

> wrong. :-(

>

> Reasons for my social nervousness (especiall IRL):

>

> 1. Difference. When I'm trying to mix with people who are too

different from

> myself I easily get nervous and screw things up. Before I used to

beat

> myself up about it but now I have learned to have empathy with

myself and

> blaim it on the situation itself rather than on me or any specific

person.

> That makes it easier to deal with.

>

> The reason one gets more nervous with people too different, I

belive is

> purely energetic. Their vibes and mine are on such different

frequencies

> that the gap creates a tension that both parties can probably feel,

though

> the more sensitive party is likely to feel it much more intensely,

and care

> about it more.

>

> 2. Strangers. I also get more nevous around people I don't know

well enough,

> since I then have no clue what their background and values are and

I'm

> afraid to inadvetently insult their beliefs when stating my own

opinions. If

> only I could keep my mouth shut when unsure, but instead it seems I

get even

> more talkative from nervousness and just blabber on about things

that may be

> totally inappropriate.

>

> 3. Nervous people. I get nervous when physically around people who

are

> nervous themselves, since I'm so receptive that I may pick up their

fear. A

> couple of times I've become consciously aware of picking up fear

that was

> NOT my own. Once was in a group thingy where each member was

supposed to

> stand up and introduce themselves. Suddenly I became aware that I

was

> feeling the nervousness of the OTHER people in the room (since many

Swedes

> really hate having to do that sort of thing).

>

> 4. Disconnected people. I sometimes feel uneasy around people who

are not in

> touch with their inner Self. That makes it hard to make a real

connection

> with them, which is frustrating since that's basically the only

type of

> meeting/communication I'm really interested in.

>

> 5. Formal people & situations. I really feel uncomfortable with

people who

> are very formal and expect me to be the same. I am REALLY not good

at being

> formal. I find it very hard to put on an act to suit a particular

situation;

> I'm just ME. I may adapt automatically just a wee bit, but I still

have to

> be myself.

>

> 6. Youth, inexperience & lack of knowledge. When I was younger I

was so

> totally clueless and would really have been helped by a some

guidelines to

> go by. Unfortunately, my mom and grandparents had no clue either,

so I had

> to just try to figure it out by myself. Took me about 4 decades!

>

> 7. Big groups. Big groups have always been a source of stress for

me. The

> more people, the more stressful. Still feel that way, although I'm

a lot

> less nervous now. But I still get physically overwhelmed in crowds

and

> prefer one-on-one, or a small group of 3 or 4.

>

> The only advice I can give is to:

>

> a) Practice social skills with those you feel most comfortable

with. Small

> groups of close friends or relatives (if you have any you feel

comfortable

> with), then very slowly expand to slightly larger groups and/or

people you

> don't know quite as well.

>

> Ask for advice from someone you trust if you are unsure of how

to act in

> various situations.

>

> c) Have compassion & patience with yourself and focus on progress

rather

> than on mistakes. View your whole life as one long learning

situation rather

> than as a theatre where one needs to act perfectly or get a bad

review. This

> way, even if you make mistakes, you just learn from them and move

on. It's

> really not the end of the world if you're not perfect in every

situation.

> All you can do is your best.

>

> Remember that you're an Aspie and that you're actually not supposed

to be

> good at socializing. ;-) You are probably great at other things

instead?

>

> d) If you have a sense that you " shouldn't be there " then perhaps

you are

> right? Perhaps you should be with people more of your own " kind " ?

(I find it

> SO much easier to get along with other Aspies both online and IRL.

All those

> other groups I was trying to fit into... I should not have bothered

with

> them since they were not for me anyway.)

>

> Do they have any local Aspie meetings where you live?

>

> Inger

>

>

>

>

> Social Situations: Happy Alone or

Wanting to be

> a part?

>

>

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

>

> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social

> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source

of

> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

classmates

> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

> anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

able to

> enjoy being with others.

>

> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

>

>

>

>

>

> FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

support and

> acceptance. Everyone is valued.

>

> Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page

in the

> folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

>

[Guest guest]

Why do we have this need to make Asperger's our " identity? "

Why do we call ourselves Aspies? It means something different than a

person who has Asperger's.

In my case, I guess I'm an Aspie, but I'm also a Jew, among other

things, also a person with ADHD.

What is this fascination with seeing ourselves as a special identity

and automatically members of the same community? I may have some of

the same problems as someone else with AS, but I may, on the balance

of all the other aspects of what makes me who I am, be more like some

NTs than other Aspies.

> Hello Mark, I feel rather confused by your categorization of the

two

> groups but i'll make the best of it . The reason i say this

>

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally have

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two

> groups.Let me filter it to the best of my ability so that i feel it

> suits my life as i see fit. But picking one out of the two i feel i

> fit the second one best . Here is my interpretation:

>

> The first group prefers to be alone in order to improve social

> skills, and does not enjoy talking to a society of NTs 24/7/365

with

> no end in sight.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me being in an

> onslaught of social situations with non AS friends is very

> depressing and i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything. I

don't

> feel on the same psychological level as them. I don't feel like

they

> understand me as much as I or my AS friends would understand me. I

> long to accomplish more in the aspergers syndrome society but i

> often get so tied down that i tend to drift away from it and become

> unable to do anything about it because i'm constantly being

bothered

> by all my other friends. It's very monotonous.

>

> Your interpretation is very interesting i must say but to me i

> suffer loneliness,depression/anxiety, lack of AS friends, and am

> already having far too many problems with my disabled friends than

i

> would ever want to burden on anybody else. To me there are three

> kinds of people: There are the NTs, there's the AS society, and

> there's the disabled society. I hope to hear from you soon,good

luck

> in all you do.

>

> Signed,

> Greg

> >

> > The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

> social

> > skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep

source

> of

> > emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

> classmates

> > to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of

> nervous

> > anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> > participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

> able to

> > enjoy being with others.

> >

> > Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

[Guest guest]

I can relate to that. I'm a PhD student in philosophy (currently on

leave). The stuff running through my noggin is neither interesting

or comprehensible to most people, and I don't really care about most

of what they do. But even with other grad students...I can't seem to

fit in.

> Hello Mark, I feel rather confused by your categorization of the

two

> groups but i'll make the best of it . The reason i say this

>

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally have

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two

> groups.Let me filter it to the best of my ability so that i feel it

> suits my life as i see fit. But picking one out of the two i feel i

> fit the second one best . Here is my interpretation:

>

> The first group prefers to be alone in order to improve social

> skills, and does not enjoy talking to a society of NTs 24/7/365

with

> no end in sight.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me being in an

> onslaught of social situations with non AS friends is very

> depressing and i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything. I

don't

> feel on the same psychological level as them. I don't feel like

they

> understand me as much as I or my AS friends would understand me. I

> long to accomplish more in the aspergers syndrome society but i

> often get so tied down that i tend to drift away from it and become

> unable to do anything about it because i'm constantly being

bothered

> by all my other friends. It's very monotonous.

>

> Your interpretation is very interesting i must say but to me i

> suffer loneliness,depression/anxiety, lack of AS friends, and am

> already having far too many problems with my disabled friends than

i

> would ever want to burden on anybody else. To me there are three

> kinds of people: There are the NTs, there's the AS society, and

> there's the disabled society. I hope to hear from you soon,good

luck

> in all you do.

>

> Signed,

> Greg

> >

> > The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

> social

> > skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep

source

> of

> > emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

> classmates

> > to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of

> nervous

> > anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> > participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

> able to

> > enjoy being with others.

> >

> > Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

>

>

>

>

>

> FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

support and acceptance. Everyone is valued.

>

> Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page

in the folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would say im the second group myself. LornaInger Lorelei <inglori@...> wrote:

I used to arrange rock concerts in the early 80's. I found back-stage life really zzzzz too. Once some journalist took a picture of me backstage with one of the leading punk bands in Sweden at the time. I looked REALLY grumpy in it, lol. Well, no wonder; I was bored out of my head; the only one sober, sulking in a corner and wondering if I'd ever get to go home so that I could have a good meal & some sleep, while everyone else - including my bf - was drinking beer, snorting coke and "having a good time". I really could not see the fun in it. I used to get a migraine almost every time. But I could not leave until everyone had finished partying since I was the driver (among a host of other things). :-(Another time someone asked me why I was always so uptight & ungroovy, lol.Probably because I was so

bored!Inger Re: Social Situations: Happy Alone or Wanting to be a part?Good question, Mark. My personal experience is that when I wasyounger, I wanted to be part of the gatherings; I can remember seeingolder kids out late on the street hanging out, and from my windowwanting to be with them and belong. When I got older, and was able tohang out, I found they had nothing interesting to say, and my interestin groups waned. I used to play in a band, and loved being on stage,but after the show I didn't want to take part in the aftershow scenehanging out with people who WANTED to talk to me. Usually I'd find theone person interested in talking music or whatever topic interested meas opposed to the mindless chatter

that goes on in most gatherings.Eventually I stopped even going to concerts and performing in favor ofcomposing alone, and instead of performing I post the music on theweb. Very Glenn Gould.> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.>> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.>> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source of> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with classmates> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous> anxiety and sense of "I shouldn't be here." I want to be able to>

participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be able to> enjoy being with others.>> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship, support and acceptance. Everyone is valued.Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page in the folder marked "Other FAM Sites."

[Guest guest]

> Why do we have this need to make Asperger's our " identity? "

> Why do we call ourselves Aspies? It means something different than a

> person who has Asperger's.

> In my case, I guess I'm an Aspie, but I'm also a Jew, among other

> things, also a person with ADHD.

> What is this fascination with seeing ourselves as a special identity

> and automatically members of the same community?

All good things to be. But if we can be an identity we can be aware of

the universal need all of us have for a more sensible and tolerant

social environment than the majority human one, and try to give each

other it. So that we can make contact in a comfortable compatible setting.

As many of us know particularly here, there are some nasty aspies in

the world who won't play it this way. Our identity is no more

guarantee of being nice, than for all the other minorities in history.

But the nice ones shouldn't let that stop them.

I'm intermediate between your 2 categories: I strongly value both the

strength to follow a lone course and any good social contact when it's

found.

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear that, Mark.

Are you sure there are no local Aspie meetings where you live? If not, I

guess you can always practice on us for the time being. I've learned a lot

from Internet interaction that has turned out to be useful IRL too and

definitely have better social skills now than 3 years ago when I got my

computer.

Inger

Social Situations: Happy Alone or

Wanting to be

> a part?

>

>

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

>

> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social

> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source

of

> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

classmates

> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

> anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

able to

> enjoy being with others.

>

> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

>

>

>

>

>

> FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

support and

> acceptance. Everyone is valued.

>

> Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links page

in the

> folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

>

[Guest guest]

I'm in a therapy group that meets about 40 minutes from where I live

every other week. There are 5 of us.

> > I want to be alone 90% of the time, but have actively wanted to

> improve my

> > social skills so that I can interact better during the other

10%. :-

> )

> >

> > Though only lately. When I was younger I was more interested in

> socializing,

> > but not in learning any social skills. Thus, I did just about

> everything

> > wrong. :-(

> >

> > Reasons for my social nervousness (especiall IRL):

> >

> > 1. Difference. When I'm trying to mix with people who are too

> different from

> > myself I easily get nervous and screw things up. Before I used to

> beat

> > myself up about it but now I have learned to have empathy with

> myself and

> > blaim it on the situation itself rather than on me or any

specific

> person.

> > That makes it easier to deal with.

> >

> > The reason one gets more nervous with people too different, I

> belive is

> > purely energetic. Their vibes and mine are on such different

> frequencies

> > that the gap creates a tension that both parties can probably

feel,

> though

> > the more sensitive party is likely to feel it much more

intensely,

> and care

> > about it more.

> >

> > 2. Strangers. I also get more nevous around people I don't know

> well enough,

> > since I then have no clue what their background and values are

and

> I'm

> > afraid to inadvetently insult their beliefs when stating my own

> opinions. If

> > only I could keep my mouth shut when unsure, but instead it

seems I

> get even

> > more talkative from nervousness and just blabber on about things

> that may be

> > totally inappropriate.

> >

> > 3. Nervous people. I get nervous when physically around people

who

> are

> > nervous themselves, since I'm so receptive that I may pick up

their

> fear. A

> > couple of times I've become consciously aware of picking up fear

> that was

> > NOT my own. Once was in a group thingy where each member was

> supposed to

> > stand up and introduce themselves. Suddenly I became aware that I

> was

> > feeling the nervousness of the OTHER people in the room (since

many

> Swedes

> > really hate having to do that sort of thing).

> >

> > 4. Disconnected people. I sometimes feel uneasy around people who

> are not in

> > touch with their inner Self. That makes it hard to make a real

> connection

> > with them, which is frustrating since that's basically the only

> type of

> > meeting/communication I'm really interested in.

> >

> > 5. Formal people & situations. I really feel uncomfortable with

> people who

> > are very formal and expect me to be the same. I am REALLY not

good

> at being

> > formal. I find it very hard to put on an act to suit a particular

> situation;

> > I'm just ME. I may adapt automatically just a wee bit, but I

still

> have to

> > be myself.

> >

> > 6. Youth, inexperience & lack of knowledge. When I was younger I

> was so

> > totally clueless and would really have been helped by a some

> guidelines to

> > go by. Unfortunately, my mom and grandparents had no clue either,

> so I had

> > to just try to figure it out by myself. Took me about 4 decades!

> >

> > 7. Big groups. Big groups have always been a source of stress for

> me. The

> > more people, the more stressful. Still feel that way, although

I'm

> a lot

> > less nervous now. But I still get physically overwhelmed in

crowds

> and

> > prefer one-on-one, or a small group of 3 or 4.

> >

> > The only advice I can give is to:

> >

> > a) Practice social skills with those you feel most comfortable

> with. Small

> > groups of close friends or relatives (if you have any you feel

> comfortable

> > with), then very slowly expand to slightly larger groups and/or

> people you

> > don't know quite as well.

> >

> > Ask for advice from someone you trust if you are unsure of how

> to act in

> > various situations.

> >

> > c) Have compassion & patience with yourself and focus on progress

> rather

> > than on mistakes. View your whole life as one long learning

> situation rather

> > than as a theatre where one needs to act perfectly or get a bad

> review. This

> > way, even if you make mistakes, you just learn from them and move

> on. It's

> > really not the end of the world if you're not perfect in every

> situation.

> > All you can do is your best.

> >

> > Remember that you're an Aspie and that you're actually not

supposed

> to be

> > good at socializing. ;-) You are probably great at other things

> instead?

> >

> > d) If you have a sense that you " shouldn't be there " then perhaps

> you are

> > right? Perhaps you should be with people more of your own " kind " ?

> (I find it

> > SO much easier to get along with other Aspies both online and

IRL.

> All those

> > other groups I was trying to fit into... I should not have

bothered

> with

> > them since they were not for me anyway.)

> >

> > Do they have any local Aspie meetings where you live?

> >

> > Inger

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Social Situations: Happy Alone or

> Wanting to be

> > a part?

> >

> >

> > I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally

whave

> > trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two

groups.

> >

> > The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

social

> > skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep

source

> of

> > emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

> classmates

> > to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of

nervous

> > anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> > participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

> able to

> > enjoy being with others.

> >

> > Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

> support and

> > acceptance. Everyone is valued.

> >

> > Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links

page

> in the

> > folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

> >

[Guest guest]

OK, that's a good start anyway. And you can practice on your work mates too.

If you should make the odd little blunder it is usually not the end of the

world (most people are to preoccupied with themselves to even notice or

care).

Is there any specific part of socializing that you find extra daunting or

difficult (besides finding people to socialize with)?

Inger - who may have to go to bed soon, over 1 AM here in Sweden.

Social Situations: Happy Alone or

> Wanting to be

> > a part?

> >

> >

> > I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally

whave

> > trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two

groups.

> >

> > The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

social

> > skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

> >

> > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep

source

> of

> > emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

> classmates

> > to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of

nervous

> > anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> > participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

> able to

> > enjoy being with others.

> >

> > Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

> support and

> > acceptance. Everyone is valued.

> >

> > Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links

page

> in the

> > folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

> >

[Guest guest]

On 7 Sep 2005 Mark wrote:

> I've found that people with AS ... seem to fall into two

> groups.

Yes, social and non-social or solitary. It seems to replace the

NT " extrovert " and " introvert " . I find I'm mostly on the social

side.

-s

[Guest guest]

I have trouble with the fine lines of what you just should and

shouldn't say...and I'm bad at smalltalk.

> > > I want to be alone 90% of the time, but have actively wanted to

> > improve my

> > > social skills so that I can interact better during the other

> 10%. :-

> > )

> > >

> > > Though only lately. When I was younger I was more interested in

> > socializing,

> > > but not in learning any social skills. Thus, I did just about

> > everything

> > > wrong. :-(

> > >

> > > Reasons for my social nervousness (especiall IRL):

> > >

> > > 1. Difference. When I'm trying to mix with people who are too

> > different from

> > > myself I easily get nervous and screw things up. Before I used

to

> > beat

> > > myself up about it but now I have learned to have empathy with

> > myself and

> > > blaim it on the situation itself rather than on me or any

> specific

> > person.

> > > That makes it easier to deal with.

> > >

> > > The reason one gets more nervous with people too different, I

> > belive is

> > > purely energetic. Their vibes and mine are on such different

> > frequencies

> > > that the gap creates a tension that both parties can probably

> feel,

> > though

> > > the more sensitive party is likely to feel it much more

> intensely,

> > and care

> > > about it more.

> > >

> > > 2. Strangers. I also get more nevous around people I don't know

> > well enough,

> > > since I then have no clue what their background and values are

> and

> > I'm

> > > afraid to inadvetently insult their beliefs when stating my own

> > opinions. If

> > > only I could keep my mouth shut when unsure, but instead it

> seems I

> > get even

> > > more talkative from nervousness and just blabber on about things

> > that may be

> > > totally inappropriate.

> > >

> > > 3. Nervous people. I get nervous when physically around people

> who

> > are

> > > nervous themselves, since I'm so receptive that I may pick up

> their

> > fear. A

> > > couple of times I've become consciously aware of picking up fear

> > that was

> > > NOT my own. Once was in a group thingy where each member was

> > supposed to

> > > stand up and introduce themselves. Suddenly I became aware that

I

> > was

> > > feeling the nervousness of the OTHER people in the room (since

> many

> > Swedes

> > > really hate having to do that sort of thing).

> > >

> > > 4. Disconnected people. I sometimes feel uneasy around people

who

> > are not in

> > > touch with their inner Self. That makes it hard to make a real

> > connection

> > > with them, which is frustrating since that's basically the only

> > type of

> > > meeting/communication I'm really interested in.

> > >

> > > 5. Formal people & situations. I really feel uncomfortable with

> > people who

> > > are very formal and expect me to be the same. I am REALLY not

> good

> > at being

> > > formal. I find it very hard to put on an act to suit a

particular

> > situation;

> > > I'm just ME. I may adapt automatically just a wee bit, but I

> still

> > have to

> > > be myself.

> > >

> > > 6. Youth, inexperience & lack of knowledge. When I was younger I

> > was so

> > > totally clueless and would really have been helped by a some

> > guidelines to

> > > go by. Unfortunately, my mom and grandparents had no clue

either,

> > so I had

> > > to just try to figure it out by myself. Took me about 4 decades!

> > >

> > > 7. Big groups. Big groups have always been a source of stress

for

> > me. The

> > > more people, the more stressful. Still feel that way, although

> I'm

> > a lot

> > > less nervous now. But I still get physically overwhelmed in

> crowds

> > and

> > > prefer one-on-one, or a small group of 3 or 4.

> > >

> > > The only advice I can give is to:

> > >

> > > a) Practice social skills with those you feel most comfortable

> > with. Small

> > > groups of close friends or relatives (if you have any you feel

> > comfortable

> > > with), then very slowly expand to slightly larger groups and/or

> > people you

> > > don't know quite as well.

> > >

> > > Ask for advice from someone you trust if you are unsure of

how

> > to act in

> > > various situations.

> > >

> > > c) Have compassion & patience with yourself and focus on

progress

> > rather

> > > than on mistakes. View your whole life as one long learning

> > situation rather

> > > than as a theatre where one needs to act perfectly or get a bad

> > review. This

> > > way, even if you make mistakes, you just learn from them and

move

> > on. It's

> > > really not the end of the world if you're not perfect in every

> > situation.

> > > All you can do is your best.

> > >

> > > Remember that you're an Aspie and that you're actually not

> supposed

> > to be

> > > good at socializing. ;-) You are probably great at other things

> > instead?

> > >

> > > d) If you have a sense that you " shouldn't be there " then

perhaps

> > you are

> > > right? Perhaps you should be with people more of your

own " kind " ?

> > (I find it

> > > SO much easier to get along with other Aspies both online and

> IRL.

> > All those

> > > other groups I was trying to fit into... I should not have

> bothered

> > with

> > > them since they were not for me anyway.)

> > >

> > > Do they have any local Aspie meetings where you live?

> > >

> > > Inger

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Social Situations: Happy Alone or

> > Wanting to be

> > > a part?

> > >

> > >

> > > I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally

> whave

> > > trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two

> groups.

> > >

> > > The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

> social

> > > skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

> > >

> > > The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> > > capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep

> source

> > of

> > > emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

> > classmates

> > > to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of

> nervous

> > > anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able

to

> > > participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

> > able to

> > > enjoy being with others.

> > >

> > > Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with

me?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > FAM Secret Society is a community based on respect, friendship,

> > support and

> > > acceptance. Everyone is valued.

> > >

> > > Don't forget, there are links to other FAM sites on the Links

> page

> > in the

> > > folder marked " Other FAM Sites. "

> > >

[Guest guest]

I used to want to fit in and desperately tried when younger - but

could never get it right and wondered how everybody else managed it.

I gave up up eventually and went totally inward - but then I got so

bad I couldn't really communicate effectively even when I wanted to -

so after a fair bit of counselling I was able to communicate enough to

get by on - but I still really dislike big social gatherings -

dislike noisy crowded places and unfamiliar out of my control

enviroments.

I can socialize to some extent now - but prefer low key - with

familiar people, preferably on same wave length and socializing can

still whack me out even when I am enjoying it. It is obviously better

with people who understand me and allow me to be me :-)

> I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

> trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

>

> The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve

social

> skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

>

> The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

> capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source

of

> emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with

classmates

> to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

> anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

> participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be

able

to

> enjoy being with others.

>

> Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

[Guest guest]

Mmmmmmmm some of this sounds familiar :-)

" If only I could keep my mouth shut when unsure, but instead it seems

I get even more talkative from nervousness and just blabber on about

things that may be totally inappropriate. "

Yep - been there :-) also in past I went through a period of not even

been able to talk to strangers - now it is a case of open mouth and

insert both feet firmly into mouth - foot in mouth syndrome :-)

" ...each member was supposed to stand up and introduce

themselves. " " ...(since many Swedes really hate having to do that

sort of thing). "

Can't say I'm overly fond of it either - especially when you have to

say a bit about yourself aswell - I never know what to say. Others

seem to be really good at reeling of a list of things about

themselves - I've never been very good at selling myself.

" Formal people & situations. I really feel uncomfortable with people

who are very formal and expect me to be the same. "

I've been in situations where I have been expected to stand on

ceremony and just cannot handle it and inevitable mess it up - I just

feel so stiff and not me - I wanna kick of my shoes and sit cross

legged etc :-) oh and play :-)

I too have problems with crowds and big groups (as I have mentioned

in previous posts).

" Perhaps you should be with people more of your own " kind " ? (I find

it SO much easier to get along with other Aspies both online and IRL. "

I have definitely found I can relate to Aspies much better than

others and also they seem to be able to relate to me much more than

non Aspies :-)

PS need I say one Aspie in particular I seem to be very compatable

with ;-)

> I want to be alone 90% of the time, but have actively wanted to

improve my

> social skills so that I can interact better during the other 10%. :-

)

>

> Though only lately. When I was younger I was more interested in

socializing,

> but not in learning any social skills. Thus, I did just about

everything

> wrong. :-(

>

> Reasons for my social nervousness (especiall IRL):

>

> 1. Difference. When I'm trying to mix with people who are too

different from

> myself I easily get nervous and screw things up. Before I used to

beat

> myself up about it but now I have learned to have empathy with

myself and

> blaim it on the situation itself rather than on me or any specific

person.

> That makes it easier to deal with.

>

> The reason one gets more nervous with people too different, I

belive is

> purely energetic. Their vibes and mine are on such different

frequencies

> that the gap creates a tension that both parties can probably feel,

though

> the more sensitive party is likely to feel it much more intensely,

and care

> about it more.

>

> 2. Strangers. I also get more nevous around people I don't know

well enough,

> since I then have no clue what their background and values are and

I'm

> afraid to inadvetently insult their beliefs when stating my own

opinions. If

> only I could keep my mouth shut when unsure, but instead it seems I

get even

> more talkative from nervousness and just blabber on about things

that may be

> totally inappropriate.

>

> 3. Nervous people. I get nervous when physically around people who

are

> nervous themselves, since I'm so receptive that I may pick up their

fear. A

> couple of times I've become consciously aware of picking up fear

that was

> NOT my own. Once was in a group thingy where each member was

supposed to

> stand up and introduce themselves. Suddenly I became aware that I

was

> feeling the nervousness of the OTHER people in the room (since many

Swedes

> really hate having to do that sort of thing).

>

> 4. Disconnected people. I sometimes feel uneasy around people who

are not in

> touch with their inner Self. That makes it hard to make a real

connection

> with them, which is frustrating since that's basically the only

type of

> meeting/communication I'm really interested in.

>

> 5. Formal people & situations. I really feel uncomfortable with

people who

> are very formal and expect me to be the same. I am REALLY not good

at being

> formal. I find it very hard to put on an act to suit a particular

situation;

> I'm just ME. I may adapt automatically just a wee bit, but I still

have to

> be myself.

>

> 6. Youth, inexperience & lack of knowledge. When I was younger I

was so

> totally clueless and would really have been helped by a some

guidelines to

> go by. Unfortunately, my mom and grandparents had no clue either,

so I had

> to just try to figure it out by myself. Took me about 4 decades!

>

> 7. Big groups. Big groups have always been a source of stress for

me. The

> more people, the more stressful. Still feel that way, although I'm

a lot

> less nervous now. But I still get physically overwhelmed in crowds

and

> prefer one-on-one, or a small group of 3 or 4.

>

> The only advice I can give is to:

>

> a) Practice social skills with those you feel most comfortable

with. Small

> groups of close friends or relatives (if you have any you feel

comfortable

> with), then very slowly expand to slightly larger groups and/or

people you

> don't know quite as well.

>

> Ask for advice from someone you trust if you are unsure of how

to act in

> various situations.

>

> c) Have compassion & patience with yourself and focus on progress

rather

> than on mistakes. View your whole life as one long learning

situation rather

> than as a theatre where one needs to act perfectly or get a bad

review. This

> way, even if you make mistakes, you just learn from them and move

on. It's

> really not the end of the world if you're not perfect in every

situation.

> All you can do is your best.

>

> Remember that you're an Aspie and that you're actually not supposed

to be

> good at socializing. ;-) You are probably great at other things

instead?

>

> d) If you have a sense that you " shouldn't be there " then perhaps

you are

> right? Perhaps you should be with people more of your own " kind " ?

(I find it

> SO much easier to get along with other Aspies both online and IRL.

All those

> other groups I was trying to fit into... I should not have bothered

with

> them since they were not for me anyway.)

>

> Do they have any local Aspie meetings where you live?

>

> Inger

[Guest guest]

Mark,

I fall into the first category. I prefer to be alone, am not

interested in improving social skills, and I don't mind my situation.

I suppose I can feel this way though because I am happy with myself

and I can also find enough things to do to keep me distracted and

entertained.

Other people sometimes need interaction. I can understand that.

There is a lot to be said about finding someone to trade and share

ideas and experiences with.

My problem is that, apart from all of you folks here, I do not find

anyone in the real world interesting enough to warrant imnproving my

social skills.

Tom

I've found that people with AS, while they almost universally whave

trouble with group social situations, seem to fall into two groups.

The first group prefers to be alone, does not want to improve social

skills, and doesn't mind their situation.

The second group wants to improve their social skills and become

capable of enjoying group activities. For me, it is a deep source of

emotional pain that I have trouble going out to dinner, with classmates

to continue conversation at a bar, because I have a sort of nervous

anxiety and sense of " I shouldn't be here. " I want to be able to

participate in social activities; not be a party animal, but be able to

enjoy being with others.

Which group do you fall into? What advice can you share with me?

[Guest guest]

Mark,

As you know, I've been out for a few days so I am sort of picking

and choosing what to respond to here...

" Why do we have this need to make Asperger's our " identity? "

When I am out and about I am a man, a writer, an artist, a

receptionist and administrative assistant, a Christian, etc., and

the fact that I have AS hardly factors into it.

But alone I do consider myself an Aspie because the term " Aspie " , as

I personally define it, best represents me. For me, an Aspie is

someone who has hypersensitivities, who dislikes socializing and

social conventions, who has skills that reach above and beyond the

scope of most people, who likes to get really involved in deep

conversations with others, and who lies on the autistic spectrum.

I can NOT say to myself definitively that I am ONLY a writer because

I write, ONLY an artist because I paint and draw, ONLY a

receptionist and administrative assistant because of my job, or ONLY

a Christian because of my religion. But I do feel that it is my

Aspie-ness that plays a significant part on defining who I am and

what I believe so I have no problem using " Asperger " as a term of

identity.

" Why do we call ourselves Aspies? It means something different than a

person who has Asperger's. "

I suppose the term " Aspie's " has taken on an affectionate

connotation. There is a difference between " someone with AS "

and " Aspies " I guess. The main difference would be that in the first

instance, people would say that they are a " person with AS " if they

felt that AS was only part of what defined them. In the second

instance, if AS was a term that BEST defined them, they may like the

term " Aspie. "

" What is this fascination with seeing ourselves as a special identity

and automatically members of the same community? "

I cannot speak for others who feel that AS people are members of a

community. For me personally, I feel that AS is something special.

Many of us can do things that no one else can, such as perseverate

to the nth degree on certain subjects, see with clarity that which

baffles others in regards to our areas of interest, etc. We may have

higher IQs, hypersensitivities, common traits such as stimming, etc.

In short, no segment of the population, social or otherwise, has

EXACTLY the same commonalities and mix of traits that we have.

It was particularly enjoyable for me to come across those who are

like myself. I went through my whole life feeling utterly lost

until I found an online community where others like me posted. Then

I felt really good because I realized I was not alone, and I was not

the only " strange " person in the world.

I suppose the best metaphor for this feeling is when a dog riding

along with its master in a car suddenly sees another dog out the

window and starts barking like crazy.

" I may have some of the same problems as someone else with AS, but I

may, on the balance of all the other aspects of what makes me who I

am, be more like some NTs than other Aspies. "

You consider AS a PART of you. And this is perfectly fine.

However, I would point out that you say " I may have some of the same

problems as someone else with AS... " This is a telling statement to

my way of thinking. We all have problems because of our AS, but AS

in and of itself can be a very beautiful thing. One of the things I

have tried to do here is allow people to bask in their Aspie-ness as

though sun bathing. I ENJOY my AS traits, I guess, so my position is

a bit slanted.

But rest assured, if you are thinking you need to believe that

Asperger can be a community in order to fit in here, you don't. Just

contribute to this forum as you wish and take away what you wish. We

will accept you just as you are.

Tom

Administrator

[Guest guest]

LonerMutant,

What is it about people that makes you want to be around them? What

is it you are missing, in other words?

I enjoy companionship from time to time, but only if it's the kind of

companionship I enjoy. Is this what you mean?

Tom

I think I'm actually both. I hate being around other people but really

want to be around them anyway.

[Guest guest]

I don't really like to be asocial, but as a kid I feared other kids

because they were to noisy and so much more mature than me.

Now it's intimacy I miss.

>

> I think I'm actually both. I hate being around other people but really

> want to be around them anyway.

[Guest guest]

I agree that other kids were and are noisy - I also found them rather

unpredictable and no matter how hard I tried could not fathom them

out and eventually gave up.

As for intimacy - when I haven't got it I don't really miss it - but

at certain times I suppose I have thought it would be nice to have

another to share things with. It is even harder when one has known

intimacy and then it goes - especially if feelings have remained.

Sometimes one just wants to reach out - and often times there is

nothing/no-one there :-(

> >

> > I think I'm actually both. I hate being around other people but

really

> > want to be around them anyway.