Re: gossips

[Guest guest]

Marilla when I was still living with my parents they would talk about how my brother and his wife were not good parents and how they lived and everything. I coudlnt understand that they would say such things when I havent see my brothers life style. It is true they were living a life that isnt a good example to ther 2 kids. My mom would be the person expressing about how dirty they were and also me dad. Anyway I jsut read you message and I discovered that I have to SEE the life style befor ei believe what someone say about someone else. Another thing my grandmother was an alcaholic and my parents would talk about that as well. Again theyd pick about every talk about every little thing about my grandmother, BUT I was the only grandchild in that house who was closer to her. I had to see her dronk or eat alot of chocolate to see her isseus that proove my parents image of her. I figure people with aspergers have trouble cueing from what others

intentions enough to gossip about it as well . Some time its a good thing that we cant ceu ha? lol . Lorna Marilia Tavares <marilia.trp@...> wrote:

One thing that I always disliked about some family thing was the habit of saying things about someone, specially when that person was not there to react, respond, etc, to the comment being made about them. In every familiar reunion I go to there will always be people talking bad things about relatives...that could be one person that has just left the room. Sometimes they will simply laugh about how ugly was someone´s shoes, or will say that that niece is dating a very old guy, or whatever. They can even say things that should be supposed to be kept in pvt, as it could be a 'secret', etc. I always wondered why people have this need to talk about the family.

But this is not only between family. I always wondered why friends would do that too...and would not at least feel emabrassed about doing so. I remember once I was in group of ladies who wnet out for coffee, etc, and after one of them lefted one started to say now the air was clenaner, and then eveyrbody laughed and started to say bad things about her. I said: hey, if we are going to say bad things about her, lets start by saying bad things about each of us who are here, as we all have things that no one likes, considers bad, etc. But no one listened to me and they desliked me because such comments.

There is one book just published in Italy called "Gossipterapia", and the authours say gossip is good, makes one feels better when they have nothing to do, relaxes, etc. They say people spend about 5 hours daily gossiping, and if they consider the gossips that could happen when people are waiting in bank lines, etc, this time could be more. Authours said gossipis happen in job environment, family, social, etc, and can be related to very close people or even people one knows only through the movies, etc.

My aspie son went recently to visit his cousin at their house in another city and spent a few days witht hem. While there he decided to tell his uncle that one thing he doesn´t like about family is the need to talk about the others.

Well, his uncle´s reply was interesting. He said that it depended on the way he views it. He said it could be viewd as 'sharing of information'.

Well, I found interesting many of the things he said, especially if I think it was to my aspie son who has difficultie to understand certain things , like, how can he have integrity in all places and at the same time have some flexibility to adjust what he is into different environments?

He-the uncle- said that there are roles-father, mother, brother, etc-but that moment, he said, he was not talking as an uncle to a nephew, but as a man to another man, but soon after they leave that place they were talking, he would again be the group of roles he has there: father, husband, etc. He said it was like different frames for the same picture. My kid liked that image. Each frame just to help to fit better in determined situation or environment.

He said that when someone is part of a clan is part of the game that members talk about members...it is a way to know who they are, and to 'remind' that they are all inside those boundaries. It is, in his words, 'belonging', or maybe he should say, the 'price to belong'.

He, the uncle, said that he could not accept that. Not alowoing to behave in the way the clans do...instead, live his own life, etc.

Not accept the jokes, that simply were ways to relate, and not accept this sharing of info. But then, he could not expect the good things that come out of it. He would rather be strong and independendt enough to not get the facilities clans offer.

Interesting world, isn´t it?

Marilia

Start your day with - make it your home page

[Guest guest]

Stunning! :-o

I guess some REALLY don't want any truths about themselves, no matter how

kindly you put it. Well, it's their loss. If they want to project their

problems onto others, they cannot be very happy people inside.

Glad you can turn them off anyway.

Inger

Re: gossips

The price of being honest, and just talk about the persons when they

are in the same room, is very high. I guess that's why many don't do

it. I myself get into trouble all the time because of this.

Ex: My husband and his sister talked a lot about what they hated

about their mother (she is awful many times), to me and to others. I

didn't think much about it at first, but when they met her they just

took the crap and didn't say anything to her face (and therefore she

never knew how they felt about her deeds), I asked them why they

weren't honest to her. They said that she wouldn't understand and

continued to talk behind her back.

But when she got nasty to me... I just told her calmly what I felt

about that. She then wrote a letter to me and wanted an answer

back... and I send her a true answer on what was on my mind. But it

was a nice letter; I told her about my life and wrote I wanted her

to get to know me better so we could be friends.

My husband told me I was brave and honest as usual, but.... I'll be

in trouble now! And he was right! The " Hate Helen campaign " began!

His mother complained to his sister and showed her the letter and

they took pieces out from it and twisted them around. His sister

started to phone and mail everyone about me. When I asked her why we

cannot be honest about the feelings we have, she just told me she

never complained about her mother; it was all in my head! My husband

told her that he knew what was right and what was wrong and I was

the honest one (but then he got the blame for being a lying

protector of his wife).

Then I told them: - Enough is enough! Now I want to be alone...

(They keep on talking crap about me to everyone but I don't care. I

have this wonderful button inside me that turns emotinal off if I

have to and for them it is now: OFF!)

/Love

Helen

> I have grown up in just such a family. The main topics of

discussion was the family member who happened to not be present. My

granny was the worst of all. Took me many years to get out of this

habit myself, and start talking about more essential things instead.

>

> But when I had dinner with my mom the other day, I noticed to my

dismay how easily I slipped back into it, just by way of adapting to

her (since she is still pretty much stuck in that behavior). I don't

like that I'm so easily influenced by those who love to gossip and

criticise others, but that's the price for a flexible mind, I guess.

>

> If I have a choice about it, I prefer to only discuss other people

if there is a need for me to understand them or my relationship with

them better, or to help them in some way. For example, I may talk

with my best friend about another mutual friend of ours who is going

through a crisis right now, to see if we can find a way of helping

him. This sort of discussing other people I find more constructive.

And the only one I'm truly interested in.

>

> Inger

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[Guest guest]

I sometimes need to talk things through - (actually preferably by

writen communication) to help me make sense of situations and

interactions with others that can be very confusing for me sometimes.

I hate that in families that some members will slag one another off.

In my family it tends to be mum against dad and visa verser - since

they are no longer together - to be honest I get sick of it and I

tell them so and this has been going on for years - you'd think

they'd have gotten over it by now (sigh).

Also I have viewed in other families a kind of nice as pie to one

anothers face and then lots of nastiness behind one anothers backs -

I just don't get it - surely families should be supportive of one

another - or am I just been idealistic again.

I really do not understand the thing that I do not know whether it is

exclusive to females - or do men do this? When they are in group and

compliment one another - like e.g 'that's a nice dress (whatever)'

and then when that person leaves they start saying how horrible the

dress was. So basically they lied - and I wonder why? Why say

anything - or if they are going to why not the truth?

Also the book Marilia mentioned - people spend 5 hours or more a day

gossiping? What a waste of energy and time - and how can gossiping be

good - surely sometimes it spreads incorrect information and clouds

peoples judgement?

I find it a little confusing some of the concept of gossiping - when

is it gossiping and when is it information exchange? What are the

defining differences?

> Marilia,

>

> I have grown up in just such a family. The main topics of

discussion was the family member who happened to not be present. My

granny was the worst of all. Took me many years to get out of this

habit myself, and start talking about more essential things instead.

>

> But when I had dinner with my mom the other day, I noticed to my

dismay how easily I slipped back into it, just by way of adapting to

her (since she is still pretty much stuck in that behavior). I don't

like that I'm so easily influenced by those who love to gossip and

criticise others, but that's the price for a flexible mind, I guess.

>

> If I have a choice about it, I prefer to only discuss other people

if there is a need for me to understand them or my relationship with

them better, or to help them in some way. For example, I may talk

with my best friend about another mutual friend of ours who is going

through a crisis right now, to see if we can find a way of helping

him. This sort of discussing other people I find more constructive.

And the only one I'm truly interested in.

>

> Inger

>

[Guest guest]

" I recall reading something once that gossipping is like triple

murder. First you murder the truth with the gossip. Second, you

murder a bit of the person you are gossiping against since you are

damaging their esteem in the eyes of others. Third, you are

murdering a bit of yourself by participating in the above. "

I like this above statement.

I am well known for not listening to gossips and preferring to make

my own mind up - but sometimes I wonder if this has been to my

detriment in the past?

What I mean is that sometimes I have been told something about

someone - I haven't asked for the information someone has just seen

fit to tell me. I have then decided to discount said information - as

I have had no way of telling whether it is correct or not. I have

then kind of found out the hard way what some people are really like -

does this mean that I should have listened to the gossips? - is

there not sometimes a grain of truth in some things that people say?

I find this issue quite confusing.

" Her response, " I want to know it, but I don't want to get stuck

talking to him for hours to get it. " Priceless. "

That is funny :-)

> My mother's family was like this. They would always talk about

other people

> and very rarely in good terms. But they didn't just gossip, they

would also

> tear each other down face to face. I remember many a " holiday "

where the more

> aggressive ones would have others running around in tears.

>

> I recall reading something once that gossipping is like triple

murder. First

> you murder the truth with the gossip. Second, you murder a bit of

the person

> you are gossiping against since you are damaging their esteem in

the eyes of

> others. Third, you are murdering a bit of yourself by participating

in the

> above.

>

> A good neighbor friend of mine loves to gossip and my mother loves

to hear

> all about it. However, I don't care so I very rarely pay enough

attention to

> remember it by the time I get home, which is only 4 doors down.

This really

> frustrates her. So, I tell her if she wants all the gossip to talk

to the man

> herself. Her response, " I want to know it, but I don't want to get

stuck

> talking to him for hours to get it. " Priceless.

>

>

[Guest guest]

How come those that tell the truth get in so much trouble? I just

don't get it - I have come to conclusion that many - (particularly

non autistic) prefer lies - this seems to be apparent everywhere.

" They keep on talking crap about me to everyone but I don't care. I

have this wonderful button inside me that turns emotinal off if I

have to and for them it is now: OFF!) "

I too have this ability and it annoys the hell out of people - that

and I get labled cold hearted to boot - just can't win (sigh).

> The price of being honest, and just talk about the persons when

they

> are in the same room, is very high. I guess that's why many don't

do

> it. I myself get into trouble all the time because of this.

>

> Ex: My husband and his sister talked a lot about what they hated

> about their mother (she is awful many times), to me and to others.

I

> didn't think much about it at first, but when they met her they

just

> took the crap and didn't say anything to her face (and therefore

she

> never knew how they felt about her deeds), I asked them why they

> weren't honest to her. They said that she wouldn't understand and

> continued to talk behind her back.

>

> But when she got nasty to me... I just told her calmly what I felt

> about that. She then wrote a letter to me and wanted an answer

> back... and I send her a true answer on what was on my mind. But it

> was a nice letter; I told her about my life and wrote I wanted her

> to get to know me better so we could be friends.

>

> My husband told me I was brave and honest as usual, but.... I'll be

> in trouble now! And he was right! The " Hate Helen campaign " began!

>

> His mother complained to his sister and showed her the letter and

> they took pieces out from it and twisted them around. His sister

> started to phone and mail everyone about me. When I asked her why

we

> cannot be honest about the feelings we have, she just told me she

> never complained about her mother; it was all in my head! My

husband

> told her that he knew what was right and what was wrong and I was

> the honest one (but then he got the blame for being a lying

> protector of his wife).

>

> Then I told them: - Enough is enough! Now I want to be alone...

>

> (They keep on talking crap about me to everyone but I don't care. I

> have this wonderful button inside me that turns emotinal off if I

> have to and for them it is now: OFF!)

>

> /Love

> Helen

>

>

>

> > I have grown up in just such a family. The main topics of

> discussion was the family member who happened to not be present. My

> granny was the worst of all. Took me many years to get out of this

> habit myself, and start talking about more essential things instead.

> >

> > But when I had dinner with my mom the other day, I noticed to my

> dismay how easily I slipped back into it, just by way of adapting

to

> her (since she is still pretty much stuck in that behavior). I

don't

> like that I'm so easily influenced by those who love to gossip and

> criticise others, but that's the price for a flexible mind, I

guess.

> >

> > If I have a choice about it, I prefer to only discuss other

people

> if there is a need for me to understand them or my relationship

with

> them better, or to help them in some way. For example, I may talk

> with my best friend about another mutual friend of ours who is

going

> through a crisis right now, to see if we can find a way of helping

> him. This sort of discussing other people I find more constructive.

> And the only one I'm truly interested in.

> >

> > Inger