Day in the life.

[Guest guest]

Grrr! The Adventures of ny Oblivion

Thursday, July 28, 2005

By Mike Straka ny Oblivion | Grrr! Book Club | Sorry Ali Landry | Your Grrrs

The Adventures of ny Oblivion ...

ny O wakes up in his fourth floor, paper-thin-walled apartment and blasts MTV so that his neighbors can enjoy "Video Wakeup" as he takes his morning shower. He leaves the TV on all day so his barking dog won't be lonely.

On his way to work he stops at the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru and orders a cup of coffee. Despite the line of cars behind him, he sits at the window and puts sugar in his cup, tastes it, adds more sugar and tastes it again before putting the top back on and driving away.

On the road he weaves in and out of traffic in his Hummer H2 as he juggles the hot coffee in one hand and his cell phone in the other. He has to call his buddy and go over each "inning" of last night's marathon game of darts baseball at the local pub, where he also used some of his best pickup lines on the local ladies, like: "What are your plans for sex tonight?" (with credit to Bruce Willis, of course) and "You must know karate 'cause your body's kickin'."

As he travels 90 mph he notices a cop car has set up a radar trap ahead, so he slams on his brakes, nearly causing a pileup behind him.

When he arrives at his office, he parks in a spot reserved for someone else, sets his auto alarm and enters his place of work. Of course, all his coworkers are soooo happy to see him, so he makes the rounds telling the men and women in the office about the babe he hooked up with the night before (not) and tops off his coffee with the last of the company brew without starting a fresh pot.

He sits in his cubicle and whistles loudly as he waits for his computer to boot up. Being extra computer-savvy, he has rigged his PC to play Dean's scream every time he gets a new e-mail, forcing his coworkers to relive that bit of Democratic agony all day long.

ny O then punches the speaker button on his phone and listens to the dial tone as he tries to remember the voice mail number. He then checks his messages on speaker, commenting out loud on each and every call.

At lunch ny Oblivion orders Chinese food, which he eats at his desk, stinking up the entire office.

After work he hits the gym, where he rests on the bench press in between sets of leg exercises. He never notices the people waiting to use the bench press, and he never wipes his sweat off the bench when he gets up to resume his sets.

When he gets home, he walks his dog without a leash and lets it poop wherever it pleases. He won't pick up after his dog because he thinks littering creates jobs for sanitation workers.

He blasts Leno and laughs heartily into the wee hours of the night. When he finally goes to sleep, he dreams of the time he belly-flopped repeatedly in the public pool, and wonders why the mothers of the young children give him dirty looks whenever he arrives.

Don't be an Oblivion!