Re: Faceblindness and asperger

[Guest guest]

Some of us are more successful than others.

For me, there are two factors that determine my social success:

1) The ability to perform as required during social occassions. (I

fail at this miserably)

and

2) My willingness to socialize.

I no longer do anything with people that I do not wish to. I have

ceased attending after work outings and family functions for

example, and only see friends on a limited sort of basis.

I could FORCE myself to interact more and TRY to learn social

skills, but it's very exhausting and I really don't see the point of

doing either.

Socializing is not a matter of survival for me -quite the opposite

in fact. After I socialize, I feel drained, exhausted, and anxious.

So I am not going to expose myself to such physical, emotional, and

spiritual expenditures of energy anymore -these boards being the

exception.

Tom

Are there aspies who can be good eventually, in these social skills?

Can them be learned, or maybe I am not a real aspie?

[Guest guest]

Tom, interesting you pointed that, because I remeber I did have a

long period of my life when I decided not to socialize anymore with

my husbands family, and it was great for me. I relaxed, and, most

important, I learned soemthing my brother once said was so true,

which he had faced with his wife´s family: they realized I am werid

and this can be a trumph for me...because they do expert weird things

from me.

I have to add none of us thougth we had anything called asperger or

any other stuff like that...we had sim´ply realized-he before me-when

you do acept and admit it is good for you to be seen as capable of

doing weird stuff, people kind of free you, as they expect anything

from you...and it was my independence from any familiar or social

pressure. Nowadays all of them know my boundaries...and with my

family I am still not very avaiable. I have told thme I do not like

phones, or getting together, that I prefer emails. I did not know

that was an aspesger trait...I thought it was more reasonable, as I

do not have to change clothes, to wear make up, to eat or drink

somehting, as I am usally on a diet, and can use my time better, ie,

do not have to interrupt anything as emails you read them and reply

them the time you want to, and you can rewrite something that was not

so clear, or maybe kind of agressive, or too naive. In person you

cant. Most of them have agreed with my reasons. They do make sense.

Well, when I have people here it is not because I have an intention

to socialize with them...and I think my skills are not because I want

to be great in socializing: it is a way to retribute them for many

good things they have done for me and my kids whenever we faced hard

moments...and they are lonely and for them it is important to feel

loved and accepted and socialize...so, the times I do suceed it is

when I am interested in making their lives a little better, cozier,

and when I find more stuff to talk about to entertain them is when I

simply want them to be amused and not bored.

When I do not have this intention I usually fail.

Years ago I remember myself being terribly quiet, shy, doing

everything wrong when with them. Even with my family I could not

socialize well...whenever home, from breaks of university, my sister

once commented with me I related better with my nephews and nieces,

who were all children, than with people my age or older, well, the

adults around me.

Lately I have engaged in dance classes and find the environment

amusing. It was very interesting this new way of comunication...I was

always terrible at dancing. But, well, after attending some dance

classes I realized you learn lots about the other person without the

need to talk. The people there rarelly talk between dances...it is a

different stuff. No big political or religious or social issues, but

the feeling of having another person close to you, feel the

differences between bodies, they way each moves, holds you...the

temperature, firmness of one, or the grace to move, or the rhythm of

another person, plus the enchantment of the music itself and rhythm.

It has been great for me in many ways. Even the way I walk changed, a

friend of mine told me, after I attend these classes.

I do realize many people who attend them have the same difficulties I

do. Has anyone noticed anything like that?

Marilia

> For me, there are two factors that determine my social success:

>

> 1) The ability to perform as required during social occassions. (I

> fail at this miserably)

>

> and

>

> 2) My willingness to socialize.

>

> I no longer do anything with people that I do not wish to. I have

> ceased attending after work outings and family functions for

> example, and only see friends on a limited sort of basis.

>

> I could FORCE myself to interact more and TRY to learn social

> skills, but it's very exhausting and I really don't see the point

of

> doing either.

>

> Socializing is not a matter of survival for me -quite the opposite

> in fact. After I socialize, I feel drained, exhausted, and anxious.

> So I am not going to expose myself to such physical, emotional, and

> spiritual expenditures of energy anymore -these boards being the

> exception.

>

> Tom

[Guest guest]

Marilia,

I'm the same, although I do get the gut feeling of not wanting to socialise.

People bore me and also exhaust me. Sometimes, no joke, I'll start to slurr

my words from exhaustion like I'm some smack addict doing the "nod". (no I'm not a smack addict). It's funny, sometimes if people invite me somewhere, before I even have a chance to evaluate what the scenerio may be, I'll instinctively make an excuse why I cant.

Go figure.

Shaun.mariliatavares <marilia.trp@...> wrote:

I am soo glad I read the face blindness topic, because I have never heard of this thing before, it is something I do have, always found it to be strange, and kind of knew the excuse I have given for it and the one people believed to be the case-I hate to wear glasses, therefore, do not have a good vision-was only half of the truth.Not that I cannot recognise faces, but sometimes I make some embarassing mistakes.Last month I went to a party, talked to many people, walked around and then stopped beside the same lady I had just talked to, and said an effusive hi, as if had seen her for the first time. She stared at me, probably thinking I was out of my mind...at the instant I realized I had just talked to her a few minutes ago.Other ocassion I had someone helping me at a store, and all of a sudden, do not know why decided to make

this comment, but I did, I said the person who attended there the week was awful...and she stared at me, then I kind of realized she was that person.Sometimes I meet people who recognize me and it takes me a while to recognize them...and if I go to a movie with lots of guys wearing same clothes, like uniforms, like soldiers, etc, I simply cannot know who is doing what and who said what. My husband helps me all the time.An ideal movie for me has to be somehting like "Before Sunrise", where you have just two people talking all the time, one girl and a guy. Even very known faces got me confused. Once I was watching ´"Friends" and then Brat Pitt entered the scene and I heard people in the supposed audience yelling, and I thought, he must be a famous artists as everyone is screaming. My husband later on told me it was Brat Pitt and I was amazed I did not recognize him as I have seen his face many times in magazines, movies, etc.

The worst was that the other day Tom Cruise was being interviewd in an Oprah show and I was proud of myself I finally got to recognise a famous face. But then I commented to some friends who were with me that Jeniffer Aniston felt insecure of herself when living with him, etc, and people told me that was not Tom Cruise but Brat Pitt...in my head the one I was seeing was the same that entered "Friends scene". All of the folks stared at me, and well, as everyone knows my eyes are not that perfect they all believed this is due to 'blindness', but I can notice they also find it strange.More than once I have passed by the experience of looking for someone who was attending me in a store, etc, and people asked me: how does this guy looks like? I cannot tell if they were black or white, or if they wore glasses, or if they were thin of fat, or whatever. But other faces I can recognize...some artists, my friends, family, etc.

But if we set a meeting for instance, and I am at a place waiting for someone, many people who pass by who do not look like them I feel he or she might be the one I am waiting for, and sometimes I think: gosh, this guy really got lots older, haha...and then, when they pass by I realize it was not the person I was waiting for. When the one finally arrives I realize that she or he does look much more similar to them than the other faces.Is this a trait for aspies only?I have this trait, as many other traits.Sometimes I have doubts as my social ability varies... I have had difficult times because of social skills, but eventually I end up managing them quite well...but in spite of all the experiences I have had in life, when entering a new group it seems to me I have to start from zero. But in areas which I have experience and feel confortable I am good...in fact I can be great (specially when compared to other

members of my family-aspies- who are less socially skilled than I am).I can EVENTUALLY and in certain circumstances- be great talking to people, being sensitive for what they feel and their reactions and so forth...and most love to come to my place.( the problem is after two or three hours I feel tired of people and need them to leave or I feel like am losing my energy with them, so, nowadays I arranged a good solution: I invite people with time to come and time to leave, as I have courses or lectures of other stuff to attend after they go. Before knwoing about aspies I thought it was simply a trait of 'introverts', whom need to be alone at least the double of hours they spent with people)Are there aspies who can be good eventually, in these social skills? Can them be learned, or maybe I am not a real aspie?Thank for your welcome, Tom..in fact I had introduced myself but then thought maybe in this list

people jump right into conversation-as the messages I read were only last weeks, when most of you, probably, have had time to get to know each other, etc-, and then erased that.hehe.Marilia__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Marilia,

I feel the same but I have to say, if I am in a social context and people want to talk politics or religion, I am actually glad their is decent thoughtful conversation. It's the innane chit chat that bores the crap out of me. In the same way, Im interested in acting, not having stars in my eyes but learning how to express myself through voice and expressions. It kinda confounds me at the moment. I would like to try it though.

Shaun.mariliatavares <marilia.trp@...> wrote:

Tom, interesting you pointed that, because I remeber I did have a long period of my life when I decided not to socialize anymore with my husbands family, and it was great for me. I relaxed, and, most important, I learned soemthing my brother once said was so true, which he had faced with his wife´s family: they realized I am werid and this can be a trumph for me...because they do expert weird things from me.I have to add none of us thougth we had anything called asperger or any other stuff like that...we had sim´ply realized-he before me-when you do acept and admit it is good for you to be seen as capable of doing weird stuff, people kind of free you, as they expect anything from you...and it was my independence from any familiar or social pressure. Nowadays all of them know my boundaries...and with my family I am still not very

avaiable. I have told thme I do not like phones, or getting together, that I prefer emails. I did not know that was an aspesger trait...I thought it was more reasonable, as I do not have to change clothes, to wear make up, to eat or drink somehting, as I am usally on a diet, and can use my time better, ie, do not have to interrupt anything as emails you read them and reply them the time you want to, and you can rewrite something that was not so clear, or maybe kind of agressive, or too naive. In person you cant. Most of them have agreed with my reasons. They do make sense.Well, when I have people here it is not because I have an intention to socialize with them...and I think my skills are not because I want to be great in socializing: it is a way to retribute them for many good things they have done for me and my kids whenever we faced hard moments...and they are lonely and for them it is important to feel loved and

accepted and socialize...so, the times I do suceed it is when I am interested in making their lives a little better, cozier, and when I find more stuff to talk about to entertain them is when I simply want them to be amused and not bored.When I do not have this intention I usually fail.Years ago I remember myself being terribly quiet, shy, doing everything wrong when with them. Even with my family I could not socialize well...whenever home, from breaks of university, my sister once commented with me I related better with my nephews and nieces, who were all children, than with people my age or older, well, the adults around me.Lately I have engaged in dance classes and find the environment amusing. It was very interesting this new way of comunication...I was always terrible at dancing. But, well, after attending some dance classes I realized you learn lots about the other person without the need to talk. The people

there rarelly talk between dances...it is a different stuff. No big political or religious or social issues, but the feeling of having another person close to you, feel the differences between bodies, they way each moves, holds you...the temperature, firmness of one, or the grace to move, or the rhythm of another person, plus the enchantment of the music itself and rhythm. It has been great for me in many ways. Even the way I walk changed, a friend of mine told me, after I attend these classes. I do realize many people who attend them have the same difficulties I do. Has anyone noticed anything like that?Marilia> For me, there are two factors that determine my social success:> > 1) The ability to perform as required during social occassions. (I > fail at this miserably)> > and> > 2) My willingness to socialize. > > I no longer do anything with people that I do

not wish to. I have > ceased attending after work outings and family functions for > example, and only see friends on a limited sort of basis. > > I could FORCE myself to interact more and TRY to learn social > skills, but it's very exhausting and I really don't see the point of > doing either. > > Socializing is not a matter of survival for me -quite the opposite > in fact. After I socialize, I feel drained, exhausted, and anxious. > So I am not going to expose myself to such physical, emotional, and > spiritual expenditures of energy anymore -these boards being the > exception.> > Tom

Start your day with - make it your home page

[Guest guest]

Shaun,

I used to scape from people contact when I was a child, and then spent lots of time in my bedroom creating stories, characters, and stuff like that. I got addicted to that. Then I had a phase when I read lots and socialized.

In the beggining of adolescent I spent lots of time alone...my mom took me to a psychiatrist as she was worried.

Well, then I did managed to cope with socialization...it was hard for me but I tried, as I do enjoy being alone but also wanted to have company for stuff I thought were more 'youthful', like going to concerts, having a group to be with, playing, or the stuff we see in advertsiment of youth stuff: many smiling faces having fun together. During that phase I kind of went back and forth, being alone and trying to have a group. But then I realized I loved being alone...and after internet -wow, only now I realized that-the need to be with people ceased, as I have been in many lists, have found strangers who became friends, and can always amuse myself because there are lots of stuff to read and learn in internet. I avoid social contact because they bore me nowadyas. I thought I had adquired this trair after living 7 years in a foreign country when I spent most of the time at home with my family.

Many, many times people invite me out I refuse also right away...but I have to admit many times I ended up going, well, many times I did enjoy being there, specially when people were open, you can be the way you are, or when I did know well the style of the folks I was with, so, I kind of can read more easily what they think, believe, etc, so easier to tune to them that way.

I think the process of socialization became a little easier for me because my mom, worried about me being so lonely, kind of obliged my older sister, who was 9 years older than me, to take me out with her and her friends everytime she went out. So, being there , when I was 13, with a group of college girls in their 20ies, well, I got confidence and a model..and then when I was with people my own age I thought I could be smarter because I had been there with older and more mature people and had a chance to listen to different subjects and kind of knew more some girls codes, etc.

Well, whoever read this, sorry for my terrible english as english is not my first language.

Marilia

Re: Faceblindness and asperger

Marilia,

I'm the same, although I do get the gut feeling of not wanting to socialise.

People bore me and also exhaust me. Sometimes, no joke, I'll start to slurr

my words from exhaustion like I'm some smack addict doing the "nod". (no I'm not a smack addict). It's funny, sometimes if people invite me somewhere, before I even have a chance to evaluate what the scenerio may be, I'll instinctively make an excuse why I cant.

Go figure.

Shaun.mariliatavares <marilia.trp@...> wrote:

I am soo glad I read the face blindness topic, because I have never heard of this thing before, it is something I do have, always found it to be strange, and kind of knew the excuse I have given for it and the one people believed to be the case-I hate to wear glasses, therefore, do not have a good vision-was only half of the truth.Not that I cannot recognise faces, but sometimes I make some embarassing mistakes.Last month I went to a party, talked to many people, walked around and then stopped beside the same lady I had just talked to, and said an effusive hi, as if had seen her for the first time. She stared at me, probably thinking I was out of my mind...at the instant I realized I had just talked to her a few minutes ago.Other ocassion I had someone helping me at a store, and all of a sudden, do not know why decided to make this comment, but I did, I said the person who attended there the week was awful...and she stared at me, then I kind of realized she was that person.Sometimes I meet people who recognize me and it takes me a while to recognize them...and if I go to a movie with lots of guys wearing same clothes, like uniforms, like soldiers, etc, I simply cannot know who is doing what and who said what. My husband helps me all the time.An ideal movie for me has to be somehting like "Before Sunrise", where you have just two people talking all the time, one girl and a guy. Even very known faces got me confused. Once I was watching ´"Friends" and then Brat Pitt entered the scene and I heard people in the supposed audience yelling, and I thought, he must be a famous artists as everyone is screaming. My husband later on told me it was Brat Pitt and I was amazed I did not recognize him as I have seen his face many times in magazines, movies, etc. The worst was that the other day Tom Cruise was being interviewd in an Oprah show and I was proud of myself I finally got to recognise a famous face. But then I commented to some friends who were with me that Jeniffer Aniston felt insecure of herself when living with him, etc, and people told me that was not Tom Cruise but Brat Pitt...in my head the one I was seeing was the same that entered "Friends scene". All of the folks stared at me, and well, as everyone knows my eyes are not that perfect they all believed this is due to 'blindness', but I can notice they also find it strange.More than once I have passed by the experience of looking for someone who was attending me in a store, etc, and people asked me: how does this guy looks like? I cannot tell if they were black or white, or if they wore glasses, or if they were thin of fat, or whatever. But other faces I can recognize...some artists, my friends, family, etc. But if we set a meeting for instance, and I am at a place waiting for someone, many people who pass by who do not look like them I feel he or she might be the one I am waiting for, and sometimes I think: gosh, this guy really got lots older, haha...and then, when they pass by I realize it was not the person I was waiting for. When the one finally arrives I realize that she or he does look much more similar to them than the other faces.Is this a trait for aspies only?I have this trait, as many other traits.Sometimes I have doubts as my social ability varies... I have had difficult times because of social skills, but eventually I end up managing them quite well...but in spite of all the experiences I have had in life, when entering a new group it seems to me I have to start from zero. But in areas which I have experience and feel confortable I am good...in fact I can be great (specially when compared to other members of my family-aspies- who are less socially skilled than I am).I can EVENTUALLY and in certain circumstances- be great talking to people, being sensitive for what they feel and their reactions and so forth...and most love to come to my place.( the problem is after two or three hours I feel tired of people and need them to leave or I feel like am losing my energy with them, so, nowadays I arranged a good solution: I invite people with time to come and time to leave, as I have courses or lectures of other stuff to attend after they go. Before knwoing about aspies I thought it was simply a trait of 'introverts', whom need to be alone at least the double of hours they spent with people)Are there aspies who can be good eventually, in these social skills? Can them be learned, or maybe I am not a real aspie?Thank for your welcome, Tom..in fact I had introduced myself but then thought maybe in this list people jump right into conversation-as the messages I read were only last weeks, when most of you, probably, have had time to get to know each other, etc-, and then erased that.hehe.Marilia

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi Marilia, and welcome from me too.

Face-blindness (or " recognition blindness " as someone just called it in our

Family Forum) seems to be very common among Aspies, but others can have it

too. Mine is rather mild. I have difficulty with people I don't know well

and who lack distinctive features. It usually takes me quite a few times of

seeing someone before I'm really sure it's them when I see them, and if they

have changed their hair or other major feature that can make me unsure if

it's really them.

I'm also rather nearsighted and when I'm out and about I don't look at

people at all so I easily miss both friends and acquaintances unless they

see me first and say hello. And then it may still take a little while for my

brain to get who it is.

As for socialising, I too usually do it for the sake of others rather than

for myself. I'm happiest when alone. I also tend to get rather tired from

being social, sometimes so much so that I either fall asleep right there and

then, or else I tend to sleep the whole next day. It's usually the talking

that's most tiresome for me. And the noise, if there are many people talking

at once.

What can be improved with practice - especially when combined with specific

instruction - is how to interact more successfully with others, e.g. learing

how to interpret others, how to communicate successfully, what things are

considered inappropriate in various situations etc.

But not how tired one gets from the effort of socialising; that's a side

effect of being introvert and sensitive, which in turn is how one is

hardwired and not something that can be changed other than marginally. It's

one of those things where one is wisest to adapt one's lifestyle to one's

way of functioning rather than the other way around. (I've personally done

so by not seeing people or going out more than a few times a month. That

seldom I can " afford " to get tired, but not every day for long periods of

time.)

Inger

[Guest guest]

That initiative from your mother sounds like a rather ideal situation for an Aspie. Having an older or more experienced friend, relative or mentor with whom one feels safe is the best way to socialize an otherwise clueless, confused and painfully shy Aspie.

I too was fortunate to have my cousins from N.Y. coming to visit Sweden every summer when I was a child. I had no friends myself, but they miraculously managed to befriend just about every kid in the neighbourhood in no time at all, and by letting me tag along I got used to being around other kids without fainting from nervousness. Before that I used to be terrified out of my wits and had absolutely no clue what I was supposed to do when forced to be with other children.

Then in my teens I again was lucky to get a best friend who was more social than I and who took me to parties and discos etc. If it wasn't for her, I probably would have never gotten out at all.

Inger

Re: Faceblindness and asperger

Marilia,

I'm the same, although I do get the gut feeling of not wanting to socialise.

People bore me and also exhaust me. Sometimes, no joke, I'll start to slurr

my words from exhaustion like I'm some smack addict doing the "nod". (no I'm not a smack addict). It's funny, sometimes if people invite me somewhere, before I even have a chance to evaluate what the scenerio may be, I'll instinctively make an excuse why I cant.

Go figure.

Shaun.mariliatavares <marilia.trp@...> wrote:

I am soo glad I read the face blindness topic, because I have never heard of this thing before, it is something I do have, always found it to be strange, and kind of knew the excuse I have given for it and the one people believed to be the case-I hate to wear glasses, therefore, do not have a good vision-was only half of the truth.Not that I cannot recognise faces, but sometimes I make some embarassing mistakes.Last month I went to a party, talked to many people, walked around and then stopped beside the same lady I had just talked to, and said an effusive hi, as if had seen her for the first time. She stared at me, probably thinking I was out of my mind...at the instant I realized I had just talked to her a few minutes ago.Other ocassion I had someone helping me at a store, and all of a sudden, do not know why decided to make this comment, but I did, I said the person who attended there the week was awful...and she stared at me, then I kind of realized she was that person.Sometimes I meet people who recognize me and it takes me a while to recognize them...and if I go to a movie with lots of guys wearing same clothes, like uniforms, like soldiers, etc, I simply cannot know who is doing what and who said what. My husband helps me all the time.An ideal movie for me has to be somehting like "Before Sunrise", where you have just two people talking all the time, one girl and a guy. Even very known faces got me confused. Once I was watching ´"Friends" and then Brat Pitt entered the scene and I heard people in the supposed audience yelling, and I thought, he must be a famous artists as everyone is screaming. My husband later on told me it was Brat Pitt and I was amazed I did not recognize him as I have seen his face many times in magazines, movies, etc. The worst was that the other day Tom Cruise was being interviewd in an Oprah show and I was proud of myself I finally got to recognise a famous face. But then I commented to some friends who were with me that Jeniffer Aniston felt insecure of herself when living with him, etc, and people told me that was not Tom Cruise but Brat Pitt...in my head the one I was seeing was the same that entered "Friends scene". All of the folks stared at me, and well, as everyone knows my eyes are not that perfect they all believed this is due to 'blindness', but I can notice they also find it strange.More than once I have passed by the experience of looking for someone who was attending me in a store, etc, and people asked me: how does this guy looks like? I cannot tell if they were black or white, or if they wore glasses, or if they were thin of fat, or whatever. But other faces I can recognize...some artists, my friends, family, etc. But if we set a meeting for instance, and I am at a place waiting for someone, many people who pass by who do not look like them I feel he or she might be the one I am waiting for, and sometimes I think: gosh, this guy really got lots older, haha...and then, when they pass by I realize it was not the person I was waiting for. When the one finally arrives I realize that she or he does look much more similar to them than the other faces.Is this a trait for aspies only?I have this trait, as many other traits.Sometimes I have doubts as my social ability varies... I have had difficult times because of social skills, but eventually I end up managing them quite well...but in spite of all the experiences I have had in life, when entering a new group it seems to me I have to start from zero. But in areas which I have experience and feel confortable I am good...in fact I can be great (specially when compared to other members of my family-aspies- who are less socially skilled than I am).I can EVENTUALLY and in certain circumstances- be great talking to people, being sensitive for what they feel and their reactions and so forth...and most love to come to my place.( the problem is after two or three hours I feel tired of people and need them to leave or I feel like am losing my energy with them, so, nowadays I arranged a good solution: I invite people with time to come and time to leave, as I have courses or lectures of other stuff to attend after they go. Before knwoing about aspies I thought it was simply a trait of 'introverts', whom need to be alone at least the double of hours they spent with people)Are there aspies who can be good eventually, in these social skills? Can them be learned, or maybe I am not a real aspie?Thank for your welcome, Tom..in fact I had introduced myself but then thought maybe in this list people jump right into conversation-as the messages I read were only last weeks, when most of you, probably, have had time to get to know each other, etc-, and then erased that.hehe.Marilia

__________________________________________________