I need advice!

[Guest guest]

Hello. I have a 13 year old son whom was diagnosed with Asperger's about 2 years ago. I always knew something wasn't quite right, but just assumed he was extremely Shy and just a loner, then as he got older I noticed more symptoms, such as tantrums, obsession with certain things, facial and hand tics, routines, and other such oddities. He has seen the school counselor, and phsycotherapists, but they seem to be doing nothing for him and his disorder keeps progressing. He actually does quite well in school and is a straight A student, and is in high honors science. He has an outstanding memory, and is very visual. He plays the clarinet in the school band also! So academically he is great! But in the other sense he is so very immature for his age. He has no freinds at school or anywhere else for that matter. He will not socialize with peers his own age. I don't know what to do, or how to handle it. Especially when he throws

his tantrums in a restaurant or supermarket over trivial things, people stare at us, thinking he's a spoiled brat, when actually it's the Aspie! I am not about to stand up at these moments in public and announce to everyone he has asperger's and embarrass my son. My son refuses to admit he has anything of the sort, he's in total denial of it, when I check books out of the library about it, he will hide them on me, so I can't read them. I cannot afford to have him see the therapist any longer, which was getting us nowhere anyhow, money down the toilet, all she did was play chess with him for an hour, and I was paying 100 dollars a week for that. My husbands insurance does not cover this type of problem. By no means are we poor, but we are not rich either, and I am caught between a rock and a hard place, I need advice from someone else on how to manage his tantrums and deal with them, and maybe calm him down, cause nothing I do is working! He

also needs to learn how to be social and get along with others, I don't know where to begin. It's like trying to teach someone how to play the piano when you don't know how to play the piano yourself! HELP! Shelli

[Guest guest]

Hi Shelli,

Usually 'tantrums' (which they are not because they are not volitional) are

a symptom that he is not coping with the confusing world in which he finds

himself. He cannot change, so you have to try and change his social

environment so he can cope. He may be doing well at school on the surface

but underneath, like a duck, his legs are paddling away furiously. I know

from personal experience that however bright he is, he needs help at school.

It might not be in the classroom - it may be that he needs a quiet place to

go at break and lunch times, away from the crowds, to de-stress.

If he likes chess, he could go and have a game with just one other person.

Or sit in the library.

My son has real difficulties with any task requiring extended writing and

putting his knowledge down on paper, and that is where his help is

concentrated. (Academically he is in the top 0.1%).

>> But in the other sense he is so very immature for his age. He has no

>> freinds at school or anywhere else for that matter. He will not

>> socialize with peers his own age. I don't know what to do, or how to

>> handle it. <<

Of course he is immature - he has a pervasive developmental disorder. That

means his development (mostly social) is delayed, at best. Some things will

develop, but at a much slower rate than in an NT boy. My son is now 17, and

he has developed a basic Theory of mind, and I estimate his emotional age is

about 8 or so.

If your son is not interested in socialising, then don't force the issue. To

be forced to interact with anyone is HARD work for him. Just let things go

at his pace. Use his interests - with my son it is computer games, Warhammer

and trading card games. But if he has anyone round at home, then he is worn

out afterwards with the effort he has to put in 'pretending to be normal'.

My son had a series of 6 or so social skills sessions with a psychologist

when aged 13, but I'm not sure if they helped him at all. I think he gained

just as much, if not more, from taking Drama at school for GCSE. That is the

only outside 'help' (therapy) which he has ever had. Nor does he take any

drugs (and never has done). Things did get bad when he was 13/14, but

sorting out support at school has put things back on an even keel. He hasn't

had a major meltdown for almost 3 years now.

The main thing which your son needs is acceptance from others (even if he

won't acknowledge it) that he thinks differently. He absolutely does not

need anyone trying to change him to be NT. My son is proud to be ASD and

tells me that it is the rest of us who are disabled.

in England

[Guest guest]

> Hi Shelli,

> Usually 'tantrums' (which they are not because they are not

volitional) are

> a symptom that he is not coping with the confusing world in which

he finds

> himself. He cannot change, so you have to try and change his

social

> environment so he can cope. He may be doing well at school on the

surface

> but underneath, like a duck, his legs are paddling away furiously.

I know

> from personal experience that however bright he is, he needs help

at school.

> It might not be in the classroom - it may be that he needs a quiet

place to

> go at break and lunch times, away from the crowds, to de-stress.

>

> If he likes chess, he could go and have a game with just one other

person.

> Or sit in the library.

>

> My son has real difficulties with any task requiring extended

writing and

> putting his knowledge down on paper, and that is where his help is

> concentrated. (Academically he is in the top 0.1%).

>

> >> But in the other sense he is so very immature for his age. He

has no

> >> freinds at school or anywhere else for that matter. He will

not

> >> socialize with peers his own age. I don't know what to do, or

how to

> >> handle it. <<

>

> Of course he is immature - he has a pervasive developmental

disorder. That

> means his development (mostly social) is delayed, at best. Some

things will

> develop, but at a much slower rate than in an NT boy. My son is

now 17, and

> he has developed a basic Theory of mind, and I estimate his

emotional age is

> about 8 or so.

>

> If your son is not interested in socialising, then don't force the

issue. To

> be forced to interact with anyone is HARD work for him. Just let

things go

> at his pace. Use his interests - with my son it is computer games,

Warhammer

> and trading card games. But if he has anyone round at home, then

he is worn

> out afterwards with the effort he has to put in 'pretending to be

normal'.

>

> My son had a series of 6 or so social skills sessions with a

psychologist

> when aged 13, but I'm not sure if they helped him at all. I think

he gained

> just as much, if not more, from taking Drama at school for GCSE.

That is the

> only outside 'help' (therapy) which he has ever had. Nor does he

take any

> drugs (and never has done). Things did get bad when he was 13/14,

but

> sorting out support at school has put things back on an even keel.

He hasn't

> had a major meltdown for almost 3 years now.

>

> The main thing which your son needs is acceptance from others

(even if he

> won't acknowledge it) that he thinks differently. He absolutely

does not

> need anyone trying to change him to be NT. My son is proud to be

ASD and

> tells me that it is the rest of us who are disabled.

>

> in England Thanks for responding! That helped alot.

It's just so hard to know what to do. I'm fairly new at this. He

was only diagnose less than 2 years ago. I just don't know how to

handle his outrages in stores and restaurants, and his rages at home

with his brother and myself. I don't know if I'm going to say the

wrong thing to him or what.

[Guest guest]

> Hi , my son is almost 13 and he was diagnosed with

Aspergers when he

> was 9 yrs old. It has been a ride since he was little. He is very

smart and

> very sweet. But lacks empathy, had to be taught about personal

space, and so

> much. I really relate to you. One, get your self an advocate for

the schools

> they will fight you. Get your son an IEP, and never sign anything

you dont

> agree with. Hey if you wish ......my personal email is

Horizon1269@y...

> and my phone is 33-505-9291.

>

> Call me, we can talk and I can tell you what I learned. I am Caren.

>

> -- I need advice!

>

> Hello. I have a 13 year old son whom was diagnosed with Asperger's

about 2

> years ago. I always knew something wasn't quite right, but just

assumed he

> was extremely Shy and just a loner, then as he got older I

noticed more

> symptoms, such as tantrums, obsession with certain things, facial

and hand

> tics, routines, and other such oddities. He has seen the school

counselor,

> and phsycotherapists, but they seem to be doing nothing for him

and his

> disorder keeps progressing. He actually does quite well in school

and is a

> straight A student, and is in high honors science. He has an

outstanding

> memory, and is very visual. He plays the clarinet in the school

band also!

> So academically he is great! But in the other sense he is so

very immature

> for his age. He has no freinds at school or anywhere else for

that matter.

> He will not socialize with peers his own age. I don't know what to

do, or

> how to handle it. Especially when he throws his tantrums in a

restaurant or

> supermarket over trivial things, people stare at us, thinking he's

a spoiled

> brat, when actually it's the Aspie! I am not about to stand up at

these

> moments in public and announce to everyone he has asperger's and

embarrass

> my son. My son refuses to admit he has anything of the sort, he's

in total

> denial of it, when I check books out of the library about it, he

will hide

> them on me, so I can't read them. I cannot afford to have him

see the

> therapist any longer, which was getting us nowhere anyhow, money

down the

> toilet, all she did was play chess with him for an hour, and I was

paying

> 100 dollars a week for that. My husbands insurance does not cover

this type

> of problem. By no means are we poor, but we are not rich either,

and I am

> caught between a rock and a hard place, I need advice from

someone else on

> how to manage his tantrums and deal with them, and maybe calm him

down,

> cause nothing I do is working! He also needs to learn how to be

social and

> get along with others, I don't know where to begin. It's like

trying to

> teach someone how to play the piano when you don't know how to

play the

> piano yourself! HELP! Shelli

> When my son first started the seventh grade I went to the school

to see about an IEP but they were trying to get around it and

were,to me, trying to blow me off, well being a new mom at this, I

just never persued it, I'm not sure what it involves and what an IEP

really is, and even if my son really needs one. One instant of

something in one of his classes that disturbs me, is that the

teacher pairs my son up with othere kids to do labs for science, and

my son being a straight A student always gets a bad grade on these

because of the fact that he will not socialize with them and is

afraid to tell them that they are putting down the wrong answer,

therefore will suffer the bad grade. I e mailed his teacher and

told her he works better solo, and would know the answers if he was

to work on these alone, I have yet to hear a response. She will

probably get back to me on Monday. I had a meeting with all the

teachers at the start of the year and explained his condition and

gave them all a paper on it and asked thewm to make small

arrangements in their classes for him. None of them new or ever

heard of AS before. I told them what to expect and how to deal with

him and how not to make a situation stressful for him. I'm just very

nervous about it. Is it too late in the school year to get an IEP?

Where do I start? I need more advice! Thanks

>