How do I get help for my spouse?

[Guest guest]

,

My husband had a really hard time with my son's diagnosis, because he

recognized so many of my son's traits in himself. My husband is more

comfortable in a low stimuation environment, where things are pretty

predictable, and social interactions with other adults can be very

stressful. Over the past 16+ years, I have learned to go with the

flow... If he doesn't want to do something, I don't force it... If he

wants to or feels a need to, he is encouraged... He does have a job

that interacts with many people, but the interactions are pretty

standard and planned, and he doesn't have to deal with a lot of

uncontrolled emotions at his workplace (which can be different

sometimes at home!).

Last year, my husband went through a midlife crisis... He recognized

it, went to the doctor and got antidepressants, and started

counseling. Well, he has learned so much in the last year and really

has openned up a lot socially (not saying he is a social butterfly or

anything, but wow what a difference!). He is now comfortable going to

church and isn't so uncomfortable with the period where everyone is

supposed to go around and greet everyone else... He has volunteered

to work with the youth group, and the kids really look up to him and

respect him! He is beginning to develop a couple friendships there...

which previously he has always done one person at a time (just me as

his friend/partner for how many years???)... Anyway, I do understand

and wanted you to know that though you can't change him, there is

hope... The most you can do is be patient, understanding, and

accomodating!!!

~hugs~

Rabecca

[Guest guest]

Wow, he does seem really depressed. It could be that is on the spectrum and depressed at the same time. Can you contact his phsychiatrist and kinda give him a heads up of what you are seeing at home? He may not be able or willing to discuss much with you, but sometimes it is hard for a patient to be completely honest with what they are experiencing and then the dr. has a harder time giving proper care. Perhaps if you let the dr. know about his behavior, particularly the fact that he is going straight to bed and slept thru your sons birthday he can address these things with him at his next visit. Is he also seeing a therapist? I know many psychiatrists, just diagnose and medicate, but do not do psychotherapy. It may be that your husband needs both. ((((((((((()))))))))))))) <jeremysmom202@...> wrote:

He has gotten to the point that he comes home from work and goes immediately to bed. He has been seeing a psychiatrist for some time who has him on meds for depression, but they are not working!! He refuses to socialize, and even slept through our son's birthday party recently. He has almost completely shut down, and I am truly amazed that he can continue to work (as he has a job that constantly brings him in contact with the public). Any thoughts or suggestions?

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[Guest guest]

,

Can you talk personally to his doctor? Sounds pretty severe to me

if he's sleeping through parties, sleeping the evenings away. You

know what jumped out at me most? You said his job is dealing with

the public ... I wonder if its not so overwhelming during the day,

this is only way to cope in the evenings ... sort of like his

downtime? I wonder if this might be contributing, is there any

chance changing careers?

Kathy

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I hope this doesn't sound rude, but perhaps it is not your spouse who needs

help, but you need to accept him as he is. If he is AS then he has all the

problems of social interaction that your child has, but has even more

expectations put on him - he has to work and provide for the family etc.

>>Since our son was diagnosed with Aspergers a few months ago, I have been

>>really aware of my own AS tendencies and quirks, but I can also see how

>>much my husband is affected by (and basically paralyzed by) AS. But he

>>refuses to read anything that I bring home and doesn't seem to care that

>>other than work, he has no life.<<

It is important to see that it is *his* life. Just because it is different

to the sort of life you think he should have, does not mean that it is not

enjoyable to him.

>>I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and if so,

>>do you have any suggestions? He has gotten to the point that he comes

>>home from work and goes immediately to bed. He has been seeing a

>>psychiatrist for some time who has him on meds for depression, but they

>>are not working!! <<

This is not surprising, as he is probably not 'depressed'. He is clearly

struggling to survive day-to-day in what is to him a very confusing world.

You say his job brings him into constant contact with the public - therefore

I am not surprised that he is exhausted all the time. He is expending a huge

amount of energy 'pretending to be normal' in his work situation and it is

just not physically or mentally possible for him to sustain that at home.

My husband has to work away from home in the week and I have had to learn to

accept that he needs the weekends for 'down time', so I cannot expect much

interaction between us or any jobs to be done around the house.

Putting him under pressure to 'conform' could just lead to him having a

meltdown.

>>He refuses to socialize, and even slept through our son's birthday party

>>recently.<<

Maybe socialising is something which is hard work for him, and not a

pleasure at all? I know this is the case for my husband. Why should he spend

his free time doing something which stresses him out?

You may find the following books helpful:

" An Asperger Marriage " by Gisela and Slater-, published by

Kingsley

" The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome " by Maxine Aston, published by the

National Autistic Society in UK [Not sure if this available in the States].

in England