Re: Ramona - Are you Sure Hubby Doesn't Experience OCD

[Guest guest]

Ramona,

Could it be that your hubby has OCD? Mine did and kept it secret from

me for over 20 years.

You said: " He completely loses control when dealing with things. I am

sure that he has some kind of disorder, but that is a whole other

story. "

That is the behavior I have seen for all the years of my marriage

(until recently, hubby has been working on his OCD now that it is out

in the open). His reactions always seemed a little over the top to me

in how he worried about things and felt that the sky was falling if we

didn't take action. He has always been a wonderful, loving husband and

father - just didn't deal with stress well. He was keeping his

thoughts and rituals a secret because he knew they didn't make sense

and feared I would reject him or think he was crazy. His was pretty

mild OCD in the scheme of things in that he was able to keep it a

secret and control his rituals most of the time, but it all added to

his stress and inability to deal with other things at times.

Just a thought - or it could be he has some other type of anxiety

disorder - they all kind of go hand-in-hand, but the Paxil would have

likely helped the symptoms in either case. : ) in TN

[Guest guest]

" His reactions always seemed a little over the top to me

in how he worried about things and felt that the sky was falling if we

didn't take action. He has always been a wonderful, loving husband and

father - just didn't deal with stress well. "

:

This describes my husband exactly. In fact he ended up in the hospital two years

ago with a priest etc. in emerg - everyone thinking he had a heart attack. He is

in excellent shape, but had been talking for so many weeks about people he'd

heard about having heart attacks when young that I'd thought " I wonder if you

can imagine yourself into a heart attack, because it's almost like he's willing

himself there " and sure enough, I get a call from the doc saying I should rush

into emerg asap. Turns out he's fine, but I've always thought of him as a

sky-is-falling kind of guy. When SARS was happening in Toronto he'd come home

from work to watch the news. " I need to know what I'm up against " he told me,

which I thought very weird. He was thinking in terms of his business, he said,

but I wonder. He won't go out in the backyard in the evening because of the

chance of West Nile. Etc. etc.

However, even with my son meeting with a psychiatrist for his ocd, my dh has

never said " I think I have it " . He has said he sees many similarities between

himself and my aspie son, but nothing that he'd ask for help for.

How did you ever find out about your dh's hidden ocds? I can't imagine myself

asking my dh about it. He gets very defensive if I go anywhere near the sujbect

of him possibly having aspergers or ocd.

kimz

[Guest guest]

" His reactions always seemed a little over the top to me

in how he worried about things and felt that the sky was falling if we

didn't take action. He has always been a wonderful, loving husband and

father - just didn't deal with stress well. "

:

This describes my husband exactly. In fact he ended up in the hospital two years

ago with a priest etc. in emerg - everyone thinking he had a heart attack. He is

in excellent shape, but had been talking for so many weeks about people he'd

heard about having heart attacks when young that I'd thought " I wonder if you

can imagine yourself into a heart attack, because it's almost like he's willing

himself there " and sure enough, I get a call from the doc saying I should rush

into emerg asap. Turns out he's fine, but I've always thought of him as a

sky-is-falling kind of guy. When SARS was happening in Toronto he'd come home

from work to watch the news. " I need to know what I'm up against " he told me,

which I thought very weird. He was thinking in terms of his business, he said,

but I wonder. He won't go out in the backyard in the evening because of the

chance of West Nile. Etc. etc.

However, even with my son meeting with a psychiatrist for his ocd, my dh has

never said " I think I have it " . He has said he sees many similarities between

himself and my aspie son, but nothing that he'd ask for help for.

How did you ever find out about your dh's hidden ocds? I can't imagine myself

asking my dh about it. He gets very defensive if I go anywhere near the sujbect

of him possibly having aspergers or ocd.

kimz

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh, Ramona, I bet he does have it. My husband has done that

sort of thing with illnesses too - not all the time, but with big

episodes in his life, like when his dad died of a heart attack -

hubby started " feeling pains " that turned out to be nothing after

every test under the sun. But, I'm not sure that would be all that

uncommon since it was his dad who died. But, as people he knows have

been getting cancer, he begins to get what I would call

hyperconcerned about this or that on his own body. He doesn't go

full-blown OCD on these type of things though, but he dwells on it

much more and for longer than the average person - in my opinion. My

hubby's biggest OCD issues center around what I have read as being

hyperresponsibility issues - he worries about others (primarily his

immediate family)and like your husband makes a big, big deal out of

world issues - how they will filter down to us. He often calls me a

lot just to " check " on things (more than the average amount of calls

a spouse would make). He would always come back into the house 3-4

times before going anywhere, saying he had forgotten something. But

I would notice he would go through all the bedrooms, closets,

basically every room in the house but never come back out with

anything. He always worried excessively if one of the kids even

looked like they might be getting sick - wanted to go to the ER over

things that were not ER stuff with the kids. I noticed early in our

marriage that he would want to make drastic changes in our lifestyle

(move, sell something, change jobs, etc.) based on things that just

didn't seem that probable to me - barely possible maybe, but not

probable at all. He has always asked me questions that I couldn't

believe he could be serious about - but he was.

Several years into our marriage, I started resisting these changes in

our lifesyle because I just decided he was too anxiety-ridden to make

rational decisions about these things. It was a rough time a first,

but eventually, he began to trust me somewhat, but would always make

sure I knew if things in our life fell apart, it was my fault

(because his OCD was giving him such heck over his responsibility for

these things - saying this to me was the only thing he could do to

release himself from that feeling, I guess). To tell you the truth,

I went through many episodes of thinking - he must like worrying,

because as soon as one worry passes (I prove to him he was wrong), he

picks right up on something else. I never knew why he was this way -

that was just him. Needless to say, it kept me tied up in knots too,

because these tragedies were " possible, " and I felt like the world

was on my shoulders in making these decisions - but did it anyway

because I felt it was the right thing to do. He would react to me

with anger a lot - where my son reacts with tears - when his

anxieties got out of control. He was keeping it all bottled up

inside to prevent the world from seeing how badly this really was

getting to him and would explode with anger when I bucked his need to

take drastic actions to reduce his anxiety. I guess I was kind of

like the girlfriend on The Aviator who tears down all the tape

had put up in the contaminated areas in his house. I was

doing that, and didn't even realize until just this year. (We've

been married 22 years).

Well, as my son started having these worry thoughts he couldn't get

out of his head and would come to me crying and asking for

answers/help, I would try to answer his questions and calm his

worries. Never worked. Just kept escalating. My hubby finally

began to confess that he has thoughts that he didn't think others

have. I still didn't think much about it - didn't really

understand. After my son was diagnosed and I began to read about OCD

and talk to my hubby, he admitted to having the OCD symptom of

thinking he had run over someone and having to get out to check. I

actually saw him do it a couple of times down at the end of the

street, but when I questioned him, he said he thought the muffler was

making funny sounds - to cover up the real reason. His checking the

bedrooms and closets was to make sure no one was here that would come

out and kill his family after he left. He would get to work and come

back to check to see if doors were locked, but I never knew. He

called so much because he would visualize us being killed in a

carwreck or by an intruder - not just worry about it, but get an

actual picture of the whole scene in his head.

He is still slowly sharing with me and has actively begun ERP

designed by the two of us and is doing very well with it. Just

knowing what this is and that others experience it has been a great

benefit to him. He was scared to death that if I ever found out

about these things, I would think he was crazy and may leave him. If

this had not happened to our son, I still would not know - he kept it

a secret from everyone. As I read and learned, I dug more and more

out of him by telling him what I saw him do and what I thought he was

thinking that caused those actions - it floored him. That is when he

began to know. I still can't get him to read much about OCD and he

absolutely refuses to go into the psychologist with us anymore

(doesn't want him " seeing " too much of him, I think LOL). However, my

husband is extremely intelligent (mathematics major) and holds a

fulltime job in upper management for a mid-sized manufacturer and is

an adjunct mathematics teacher at a local college. So, he has always

been functional - the biggest problem has been the way his worries

has affected us - the family. He is doing much better now and

realizes (because he sees my son's irrational thoughts as irrational)

that his own thoughts follow those patterns in certain areas.

I have kind of become his therapist, I suppose - actually always have

been to some extent. My hubby also has some other typical OCD issues

with numbers, etc., but I won't go into details here. He has always

been the " run away, because the sky is falling " kind of guy and I

have always been the " well it will just have to fall on my head,

because I am not running " kind of gal. Now that I know more about

his secret stuff, I see that it was his OCD that made him that way.

Anyway, that is my story - sorry it was so long - that is actually

only a portion of things I could tell you. Even if your hubby

doesn't have OCD, I can almost guarantee you he does have an anxiety

disorder from what I have read and what you have told me. I hope he

begins to reach out for help - it can make life for the family

sssoooooo much easier when you know and begin to work on it.

Good Luck

in TN

> " His reactions always seemed a little over the top to me

> in how he worried about things and felt that the sky was falling if

we

> didn't take action. He has always been a wonderful, loving husband

and

> father - just didn't deal with stress well. "

> :

> This describes my husband exactly. In fact he ended up in the

hospital two years ago with a priest etc. in emerg - everyone

thinking he had a heart attack. He is in excellent shape, but had

been talking for so many weeks about people he'd heard about having

heart attacks when young that I'd thought " I wonder if you can

imagine yourself into a heart attack, because it's almost like he's

willing himself there " and sure enough, I get a call from the doc

saying I should rush into emerg asap. Turns out he's fine, but I've

always thought of him as a sky-is-falling kind of guy. When SARS was

happening in Toronto he'd come home from work to watch the news. " I

need to know what I'm up against " he told me, which I thought very

weird. He was thinking in terms of his business, he said, but I

wonder. He won't go out in the backyard in the evening because of the

chance of West Nile. Etc. etc.

> However, even with my son meeting with a psychiatrist for his ocd,

my dh has never said " I think I have it " . He has said he sees many

similarities between himself and my aspie son, but nothing that he'd

ask for help for.

> How did you ever find out about your dh's hidden ocds? I can't

imagine myself asking my dh about it. He gets very defensive if I go

anywhere near the sujbect of him possibly having aspergers or ocd.

> kimz

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh, Ramona, I bet he does have it. My husband has done that

sort of thing with illnesses too - not all the time, but with big

episodes in his life, like when his dad died of a heart attack -

hubby started " feeling pains " that turned out to be nothing after

every test under the sun. But, I'm not sure that would be all that

uncommon since it was his dad who died. But, as people he knows have

been getting cancer, he begins to get what I would call

hyperconcerned about this or that on his own body. He doesn't go

full-blown OCD on these type of things though, but he dwells on it

much more and for longer than the average person - in my opinion. My

hubby's biggest OCD issues center around what I have read as being

hyperresponsibility issues - he worries about others (primarily his

immediate family)and like your husband makes a big, big deal out of

world issues - how they will filter down to us. He often calls me a

lot just to " check " on things (more than the average amount of calls

a spouse would make). He would always come back into the house 3-4

times before going anywhere, saying he had forgotten something. But

I would notice he would go through all the bedrooms, closets,

basically every room in the house but never come back out with

anything. He always worried excessively if one of the kids even

looked like they might be getting sick - wanted to go to the ER over

things that were not ER stuff with the kids. I noticed early in our

marriage that he would want to make drastic changes in our lifestyle

(move, sell something, change jobs, etc.) based on things that just

didn't seem that probable to me - barely possible maybe, but not

probable at all. He has always asked me questions that I couldn't

believe he could be serious about - but he was.

Several years into our marriage, I started resisting these changes in

our lifesyle because I just decided he was too anxiety-ridden to make

rational decisions about these things. It was a rough time a first,

but eventually, he began to trust me somewhat, but would always make

sure I knew if things in our life fell apart, it was my fault

(because his OCD was giving him such heck over his responsibility for

these things - saying this to me was the only thing he could do to

release himself from that feeling, I guess). To tell you the truth,

I went through many episodes of thinking - he must like worrying,

because as soon as one worry passes (I prove to him he was wrong), he

picks right up on something else. I never knew why he was this way -

that was just him. Needless to say, it kept me tied up in knots too,

because these tragedies were " possible, " and I felt like the world

was on my shoulders in making these decisions - but did it anyway

because I felt it was the right thing to do. He would react to me

with anger a lot - where my son reacts with tears - when his

anxieties got out of control. He was keeping it all bottled up

inside to prevent the world from seeing how badly this really was

getting to him and would explode with anger when I bucked his need to

take drastic actions to reduce his anxiety. I guess I was kind of

like the girlfriend on The Aviator who tears down all the tape

had put up in the contaminated areas in his house. I was

doing that, and didn't even realize until just this year. (We've

been married 22 years).

Well, as my son started having these worry thoughts he couldn't get

out of his head and would come to me crying and asking for

answers/help, I would try to answer his questions and calm his

worries. Never worked. Just kept escalating. My hubby finally

began to confess that he has thoughts that he didn't think others

have. I still didn't think much about it - didn't really

understand. After my son was diagnosed and I began to read about OCD

and talk to my hubby, he admitted to having the OCD symptom of

thinking he had run over someone and having to get out to check. I

actually saw him do it a couple of times down at the end of the

street, but when I questioned him, he said he thought the muffler was

making funny sounds - to cover up the real reason. His checking the

bedrooms and closets was to make sure no one was here that would come

out and kill his family after he left. He would get to work and come

back to check to see if doors were locked, but I never knew. He

called so much because he would visualize us being killed in a

carwreck or by an intruder - not just worry about it, but get an

actual picture of the whole scene in his head.

He is still slowly sharing with me and has actively begun ERP

designed by the two of us and is doing very well with it. Just

knowing what this is and that others experience it has been a great

benefit to him. He was scared to death that if I ever found out

about these things, I would think he was crazy and may leave him. If

this had not happened to our son, I still would not know - he kept it

a secret from everyone. As I read and learned, I dug more and more

out of him by telling him what I saw him do and what I thought he was

thinking that caused those actions - it floored him. That is when he

began to know. I still can't get him to read much about OCD and he

absolutely refuses to go into the psychologist with us anymore

(doesn't want him " seeing " too much of him, I think LOL). However, my

husband is extremely intelligent (mathematics major) and holds a

fulltime job in upper management for a mid-sized manufacturer and is

an adjunct mathematics teacher at a local college. So, he has always

been functional - the biggest problem has been the way his worries

has affected us - the family. He is doing much better now and

realizes (because he sees my son's irrational thoughts as irrational)

that his own thoughts follow those patterns in certain areas.

I have kind of become his therapist, I suppose - actually always have

been to some extent. My hubby also has some other typical OCD issues

with numbers, etc., but I won't go into details here. He has always

been the " run away, because the sky is falling " kind of guy and I

have always been the " well it will just have to fall on my head,

because I am not running " kind of gal. Now that I know more about

his secret stuff, I see that it was his OCD that made him that way.

Anyway, that is my story - sorry it was so long - that is actually

only a portion of things I could tell you. Even if your hubby

doesn't have OCD, I can almost guarantee you he does have an anxiety

disorder from what I have read and what you have told me. I hope he

begins to reach out for help - it can make life for the family

sssoooooo much easier when you know and begin to work on it.

Good Luck

in TN

> " His reactions always seemed a little over the top to me

> in how he worried about things and felt that the sky was falling if

we

> didn't take action. He has always been a wonderful, loving husband

and

> father - just didn't deal with stress well. "

> :

> This describes my husband exactly. In fact he ended up in the

hospital two years ago with a priest etc. in emerg - everyone

thinking he had a heart attack. He is in excellent shape, but had

been talking for so many weeks about people he'd heard about having

heart attacks when young that I'd thought " I wonder if you can

imagine yourself into a heart attack, because it's almost like he's

willing himself there " and sure enough, I get a call from the doc

saying I should rush into emerg asap. Turns out he's fine, but I've

always thought of him as a sky-is-falling kind of guy. When SARS was

happening in Toronto he'd come home from work to watch the news. " I

need to know what I'm up against " he told me, which I thought very

weird. He was thinking in terms of his business, he said, but I

wonder. He won't go out in the backyard in the evening because of the

chance of West Nile. Etc. etc.

> However, even with my son meeting with a psychiatrist for his ocd,

my dh has never said " I think I have it " . He has said he sees many

similarities between himself and my aspie son, but nothing that he'd

ask for help for.

> How did you ever find out about your dh's hidden ocds? I can't

imagine myself asking my dh about it. He gets very defensive if I go

anywhere near the sujbect of him possibly having aspergers or ocd.

> kimz

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry, should have said, " Oh my gosh, Kim, " instead of

" Oh my gosh, Ramona, " I guess. : ) Just took Ramona out of the

heading, but later noticed it was Kim who posted the question. Oh

well, when you can't see who you are talking too, I guess that thing is

bound to happen.

> Oh my gosh, Ramona, I bet he does have it. My husband has done that

[Guest guest]

Sorry, should have said, " Oh my gosh, Kim, " instead of

" Oh my gosh, Ramona, " I guess. : ) Just took Ramona out of the

heading, but later noticed it was Kim who posted the question. Oh

well, when you can't see who you are talking too, I guess that thing is

bound to happen.

> Oh my gosh, Ramona, I bet he does have it. My husband has done that

[Guest guest]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. To think someone else is going through the

same thing! I'm keeping your post because I may need to email you about this

privately later, because these worries of him sometimes really heat up (and

frankly, wear down the marriage). You've given me a lot to think about.

kimz (Not Ramona)

Re: Ramona - Are you Sure Hubby Doesn't Experience

OCD

Oh my gosh, Ramona, I bet he does have it. My husband has done that

sort of thing with illnesses too - not all the time, but with big

episodes in his life, like when his dad died of a heart attack -

hubby started " feeling pains " that turned out to be nothing after

every test under the sun. But, I'm not sure that would be all that

uncommon since it was his dad who died. But, as people he knows have

been getting cancer, he begins to get what I would call

hyperconcerned about this or that on his own body. He doesn't go

full-blown OCD on these type of things though, but he dwells on it

much more and for longer than the average person - in my opinion. My

hubby's biggest OCD issues center around what I have read as being

hyperresponsibility issues - he worries about others (primarily his

immediate family)and like your husband makes a big, big deal out of

world issues - how they will filter down to us. He often calls me a

lot just to " check " on things (more than the average amount of calls

a spouse would make). He would always come back into the house 3-4

times before going anywhere, saying he had forgotten something. But

I would notice he would go through all the bedrooms, closets,

basically every room in the house but never come back out with

anything. He always worried excessively if one of the kids even

looked like they might be getting sick - wanted to go to the ER over

things that were not ER stuff with the kids. I noticed early in our

marriage that he would want to make drastic changes in our lifestyle

(move, sell something, change jobs, etc.) based on things that just

didn't seem that probable to me - barely possible maybe, but not

probable at all. He has always asked me questions that I couldn't

believe he could be serious about - but he was.

Several years into our marriage, I started resisting these changes in

our lifesyle because I just decided he was too anxiety-ridden to make

rational decisions about these things. It was a rough time a first,

but eventually, he began to trust me somewhat, but would always make

sure I knew if things in our life fell apart, it was my fault

(because his OCD was giving him such heck over his responsibility for

these things - saying this to me was the only thing he could do to

release himself from that feeling, I guess). To tell you the truth,

I went through many episodes of thinking - he must like worrying,

because as soon as one worry passes (I prove to him he was wrong), he

picks right up on something else. I never knew why he was this way -

that was just him. Needless to say, it kept me tied up in knots too,

because these tragedies were " possible, " and I felt like the world

was on my shoulders in making these decisions - but did it anyway

because I felt it was the right thing to do. He would react to me

with anger a lot - where my son reacts with tears - when his

anxieties got out of control. He was keeping it all bottled up

inside to prevent the world from seeing how badly this really was

getting to him and would explode with anger when I bucked his need to

take drastic actions to reduce his anxiety. I guess I was kind of

like the girlfriend on The Aviator who tears down all the tape

had put up in the contaminated areas in his house. I was

doing that, and didn't even realize until just this year. (We've

been married 22 years).

Well, as my son started having these worry thoughts he couldn't get

out of his head and would come to me crying and asking for

answers/help, I would try to answer his questions and calm his

worries. Never worked. Just kept escalating. My hubby finally

began to confess that he has thoughts that he didn't think others

have. I still didn't think much about it - didn't really

understand. After my son was diagnosed and I began to read about OCD

and talk to my hubby, he admitted to having the OCD symptom of

thinking he had run over someone and having to get out to check. I

actually saw him do it a couple of times down at the end of the

street, but when I questioned him, he said he thought the muffler was

making funny sounds - to cover up the real reason. His checking the

bedrooms and closets was to make sure no one was here that would come

out and kill his family after he left. He would get to work and come

back to check to see if doors were locked, but I never knew. He

called so much because he would visualize us being killed in a

carwreck or by an intruder - not just worry about it, but get an

actual picture of the whole scene in his head.

He is still slowly sharing with me and has actively begun ERP

designed by the two of us and is doing very well with it. Just

knowing what this is and that others experience it has been a great

benefit to him. He was scared to death that if I ever found out

about these things, I would think he was crazy and may leave him. If

this had not happened to our son, I still would not know - he kept it

a secret from everyone. As I read and learned, I dug more and more

out of him by telling him what I saw him do and what I thought he was

thinking that caused those actions - it floored him. That is when he

began to know. I still can't get him to read much about OCD and he

absolutely refuses to go into the psychologist with us anymore

(doesn't want him " seeing " too much of him, I think LOL). However, my

husband is extremely intelligent (mathematics major) and holds a

fulltime job in upper management for a mid-sized manufacturer and is

an adjunct mathematics teacher at a local college. So, he has always

been functional - the biggest problem has been the way his worries

has affected us - the family. He is doing much better now and

realizes (because he sees my son's irrational thoughts as irrational)

that his own thoughts follow those patterns in certain areas.

I have kind of become his therapist, I suppose - actually always have

been to some extent. My hubby also has some other typical OCD issues

with numbers, etc., but I won't go into details here. He has always

been the " run away, because the sky is falling " kind of guy and I

have always been the " well it will just have to fall on my head,

because I am not running " kind of gal. Now that I know more about

his secret stuff, I see that it was his OCD that made him that way.

Anyway, that is my story - sorry it was so long - that is actually

only a portion of things I could tell you. Even if your hubby

doesn't have OCD, I can almost guarantee you he does have an anxiety

disorder from what I have read and what you have told me. I hope he

begins to reach out for help - it can make life for the family

sssoooooo much easier when you know and begin to work on it.

Good Luck

in TN

> " His reactions always seemed a little over the top to me

> in how he worried about things and felt that the sky was falling if

we

> didn't take action. He has always been a wonderful, loving husband

and

> father - just didn't deal with stress well. "

> :

> This describes my husband exactly. In fact he ended up in the

hospital two years ago with a priest etc. in emerg - everyone

thinking he had a heart attack. He is in excellent shape, but had

been talking for so many weeks about people he'd heard about having

heart attacks when young that I'd thought " I wonder if you can

imagine yourself into a heart attack, because it's almost like he's

willing himself there " and sure enough, I get a call from the doc

saying I should rush into emerg asap. Turns out he's fine, but I've

always thought of him as a sky-is-falling kind of guy. When SARS was

happening in Toronto he'd come home from work to watch the news. " I

need to know what I'm up against " he told me, which I thought very

weird. He was thinking in terms of his business, he said, but I

wonder. He won't go out in the backyard in the evening because of the

chance of West Nile. Etc. etc.

> However, even with my son meeting with a psychiatrist for his ocd,

my dh has never said " I think I have it " . He has said he sees many

similarities between himself and my aspie son, but nothing that he'd

ask for help for.

> How did you ever find out about your dh's hidden ocds? I can't

imagine myself asking my dh about it. He gets very defensive if I go

anywhere near the sujbect of him possibly having aspergers or ocd.

> kimz

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. To think someone else is going through the

same thing! I'm keeping your post because I may need to email you about this

privately later, because these worries of him sometimes really heat up (and

frankly, wear down the marriage). You've given me a lot to think about.

kimz (Not Ramona)

Re: Ramona - Are you Sure Hubby Doesn't Experience

OCD

Oh my gosh, Ramona, I bet he does have it. My husband has done that

sort of thing with illnesses too - not all the time, but with big

episodes in his life, like when his dad died of a heart attack -

hubby started " feeling pains " that turned out to be nothing after

every test under the sun. But, I'm not sure that would be all that

uncommon since it was his dad who died. But, as people he knows have

been getting cancer, he begins to get what I would call

hyperconcerned about this or that on his own body. He doesn't go

full-blown OCD on these type of things though, but he dwells on it

much more and for longer than the average person - in my opinion. My

hubby's biggest OCD issues center around what I have read as being

hyperresponsibility issues - he worries about others (primarily his

immediate family)and like your husband makes a big, big deal out of

world issues - how they will filter down to us. He often calls me a

lot just to " check " on things (more than the average amount of calls

a spouse would make). He would always come back into the house 3-4

times before going anywhere, saying he had forgotten something. But

I would notice he would go through all the bedrooms, closets,

basically every room in the house but never come back out with

anything. He always worried excessively if one of the kids even

looked like they might be getting sick - wanted to go to the ER over

things that were not ER stuff with the kids. I noticed early in our

marriage that he would want to make drastic changes in our lifestyle

(move, sell something, change jobs, etc.) based on things that just

didn't seem that probable to me - barely possible maybe, but not

probable at all. He has always asked me questions that I couldn't

believe he could be serious about - but he was.

Several years into our marriage, I started resisting these changes in

our lifesyle because I just decided he was too anxiety-ridden to make

rational decisions about these things. It was a rough time a first,

but eventually, he began to trust me somewhat, but would always make

sure I knew if things in our life fell apart, it was my fault

(because his OCD was giving him such heck over his responsibility for

these things - saying this to me was the only thing he could do to

release himself from that feeling, I guess). To tell you the truth,

I went through many episodes of thinking - he must like worrying,

because as soon as one worry passes (I prove to him he was wrong), he

picks right up on something else. I never knew why he was this way -

that was just him. Needless to say, it kept me tied up in knots too,

because these tragedies were " possible, " and I felt like the world

was on my shoulders in making these decisions - but did it anyway

because I felt it was the right thing to do. He would react to me

with anger a lot - where my son reacts with tears - when his

anxieties got out of control. He was keeping it all bottled up

inside to prevent the world from seeing how badly this really was

getting to him and would explode with anger when I bucked his need to

take drastic actions to reduce his anxiety. I guess I was kind of

like the girlfriend on The Aviator who tears down all the tape

had put up in the contaminated areas in his house. I was

doing that, and didn't even realize until just this year. (We've

been married 22 years).

Well, as my son started having these worry thoughts he couldn't get

out of his head and would come to me crying and asking for

answers/help, I would try to answer his questions and calm his

worries. Never worked. Just kept escalating. My hubby finally

began to confess that he has thoughts that he didn't think others

have. I still didn't think much about it - didn't really

understand. After my son was diagnosed and I began to read about OCD

and talk to my hubby, he admitted to having the OCD symptom of

thinking he had run over someone and having to get out to check. I

actually saw him do it a couple of times down at the end of the

street, but when I questioned him, he said he thought the muffler was

making funny sounds - to cover up the real reason. His checking the

bedrooms and closets was to make sure no one was here that would come

out and kill his family after he left. He would get to work and come

back to check to see if doors were locked, but I never knew. He

called so much because he would visualize us being killed in a

carwreck or by an intruder - not just worry about it, but get an

actual picture of the whole scene in his head.

He is still slowly sharing with me and has actively begun ERP

designed by the two of us and is doing very well with it. Just

knowing what this is and that others experience it has been a great

benefit to him. He was scared to death that if I ever found out

about these things, I would think he was crazy and may leave him. If

this had not happened to our son, I still would not know - he kept it

a secret from everyone. As I read and learned, I dug more and more

out of him by telling him what I saw him do and what I thought he was

thinking that caused those actions - it floored him. That is when he

began to know. I still can't get him to read much about OCD and he

absolutely refuses to go into the psychologist with us anymore

(doesn't want him " seeing " too much of him, I think LOL). However, my

husband is extremely intelligent (mathematics major) and holds a

fulltime job in upper management for a mid-sized manufacturer and is

an adjunct mathematics teacher at a local college. So, he has always

been functional - the biggest problem has been the way his worries

has affected us - the family. He is doing much better now and

realizes (because he sees my son's irrational thoughts as irrational)

that his own thoughts follow those patterns in certain areas.

I have kind of become his therapist, I suppose - actually always have

been to some extent. My hubby also has some other typical OCD issues

with numbers, etc., but I won't go into details here. He has always

been the " run away, because the sky is falling " kind of guy and I

have always been the " well it will just have to fall on my head,

because I am not running " kind of gal. Now that I know more about

his secret stuff, I see that it was his OCD that made him that way.

Anyway, that is my story - sorry it was so long - that is actually

only a portion of things I could tell you. Even if your hubby

doesn't have OCD, I can almost guarantee you he does have an anxiety

disorder from what I have read and what you have told me. I hope he

begins to reach out for help - it can make life for the family

sssoooooo much easier when you know and begin to work on it.

Good Luck

in TN

> " His reactions always seemed a little over the top to me

> in how he worried about things and felt that the sky was falling if

we

> didn't take action. He has always been a wonderful, loving husband

and

> father - just didn't deal with stress well. "

> :

> This describes my husband exactly. In fact he ended up in the

hospital two years ago with a priest etc. in emerg - everyone

thinking he had a heart attack. He is in excellent shape, but had

been talking for so many weeks about people he'd heard about having

heart attacks when young that I'd thought " I wonder if you can

imagine yourself into a heart attack, because it's almost like he's

willing himself there " and sure enough, I get a call from the doc

saying I should rush into emerg asap. Turns out he's fine, but I've

always thought of him as a sky-is-falling kind of guy. When SARS was

happening in Toronto he'd come home from work to watch the news. " I

need to know what I'm up against " he told me, which I thought very

weird. He was thinking in terms of his business, he said, but I

wonder. He won't go out in the backyard in the evening because of the

chance of West Nile. Etc. etc.

> However, even with my son meeting with a psychiatrist for his ocd,

my dh has never said " I think I have it " . He has said he sees many

similarities between himself and my aspie son, but nothing that he'd

ask for help for.

> How did you ever find out about your dh's hidden ocds? I can't

imagine myself asking my dh about it. He gets very defensive if I go

anywhere near the sujbect of him possibly having aspergers or ocd.

> kimz

>

>