Re: Sibling Embarrassment

[Guest guest]

I don't have any help, but I'll be listening very closely to the suggestions you

do get. I'll have that problem soon enough. I have the problem of what to tell

the brother that's 9 years younger than his older brother when the younger

passes the older one up academically. I know is pretty high functioning,

but I also know that day will come. already knows 2. He keeps bringing

me 2 things and saying, " Two? " didn't get counting until he was 7.

Loriann

[Guest guest]

I was wondering how you all deal with the frustration and embarrassment that

your child with DS-ASD causes for his/her siblings (if any at all).

, my 8 year old, not diagnosed with anything, is becoming more and more

frustrated by 's behaviors. is 10, almost 11. Josh used to

take it all in stride, but is becoming less tolerant - and I can't say I

blame him. He has taken to bursting into tears after an " incident " and

saying things like , " Mommy, is ruining my life. "

Today, I came home from a very short work day - just had to swing by the

college to return final papers and turn in summer school grades - I was gone

an hour. I left both boys at home with , a 15 year old sitter who I

suspect Josh has a bit of a crush on (don't end a sentence with a preposition

- sorry, couldn't help it!) Apparently my timing was perfect because

was running around the house with no pants on. He had taken himself to the

bathroom but refused to put his undies and shorts back on. He'd *only* been

baring his butt about five minutes .... Josh was mortified. I got to

dress himself, paid and sent her home, and Josh just lost it - he

sobbed and yelled at . His face was burning with humiliation.

, of course, was oblivious.

I held while he cried and ranted, agreed that it *was* indeed very,

very embarrassing and that I understood his feelings. He wanted to know how

could not " get it " that it was not okay to run around naked. I

explained a bit about retardation - but said I don't know *why* can

do some things quite appropriately and others not at all. He said that I

shouuld yell at and spank him. I said that I should try to teach him

better by breaking down the steps to getting pants on again after going to

the bathroom, but that yelling and hitting would hurt and make him

afraid, but never teach him anything.

Josh has calmed down now, but is mutttering things like, " Even if MAtthew

COULD say he was sorry, I would NEVER forgive him. "

Any suggestions or commiserations?

Thanks,

Jacqui

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/9/00 3:55:37 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

ckc@... writes:

<<

I sure wish I had an answer for you. We have the same thing going on here,

with especially. Ian attended the same camp as until last week,

and was mortified when Ian acted up. Ian liked to chase ,

probably because reacted so well. That's why I like that they attend

different schools -- so they each have their own territory. >>

Well, that's a good piece of advice CK. Believe it or not, all FIVE of our

kids will be in FIVE different schools this year. Just the way it worked out

with their ages and gender. Makes for a busier lifestyle, but it does have

its benefits.

I don't have advice to offer, I'm afraid. We are extremely lucky in this

department. While we have issues with our oldest (Mr. Party Animal), we

don't have to deal with this. Maybe because they all think of Maddie as a

baby still (I don't like this, but it beats them resenting her) They

actually could Kill if someone shows unkindness or discrimination against

Maddie (this worries me too). I need to help them work on changing attitudes

instead of wanting to knock out someone's lights!!

I'm sure you'll get some good responses since I think this is probably a very

typical problem in families. One that hasn't hit us yet, but that's ok. We

have enough other ones.....

Donna

[Guest guest]

I sure wish I had an answer for you. We have the same thing going on here,

with especially. Ian attended the same camp as until last week,

and was mortified when Ian acted up. Ian liked to chase ,

probably because reacted so well. That's why I like that they attend

different schools -- so they each have their own territory.

CK,

Mom to Ian (2/89),

(9/90),

and Rose (6/94)

[Guest guest]

Jonny understands how Benji learns things differently. is 3 1/2 and

now is hugging because we have shown him that it helps

feels better. So he (Jonny) also comes to me for a 'love' (hug).

is 5 and and (almost 2) have already passed him with the

concept of numbers and language. I think they are way to young to be

embarassed...but it's bound to happen at some point in their lives. I think

that sibs feel protective, more than anything else...so when it does happen,

I'm hoping it will be short-lived. I don't know who is the bigger hero to

... " Yonny " or " B-boy "

Ann with , and

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/9/00 1:54:38 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Jaxmeisel@...

writes:

<< I was wondering how you all deal with the frustration and embarrassment

that

your child with DS-ASD causes for his/her siblings (if any at all). >>

Jacqui,

Gosh, I haven't had any of this yet. We have talked a lot about Seth's

problems, but my girls haven't ever been embarrassed by Seth.... YET! LOL I

am sure it will happen, but I hope it is a long way down the road. I don't

even know how I would handle that one. I'm eager to see the responses on

this. (((((hugs)))))

Gail, Mom to; Seth-4, jo-8, Becky-9, -23, Jen-24, Grandma to Errick-4

and wife to -my hero

[Guest guest]

Hi Jacqui,

This has been an on-going subject at our house lately.

I took Jordan to a " sibshop " a couple of months ago.

They did some arts-n-crafts, saw a puppet show (much

too juvenile for my son...and he was the youngest

child there) and had free play time. I was hoping for

a lot of discussion between siblings about guilt,

anger, embarrassment, etc. but this conference didn't

touch on those things.

Occasionally I give Jordan " the talk " as you did with

- what's retardation, autism, why we have to

be patient, acknowledgement that it is really tough to

be patient sometimes, etc., etc. This usually holds

us over for a couple of months. However, we have had

instances of utter embarrassment (remember the bowling

fiasco??) where we both have to suck it in, hold our

heads up, squelch the tears, and try to make it home

as quickly as possible. When this happens, I try to

do something together, just Jordan and I, or I send

him to my SIL so he can hang out with his cousin and

soak up Aunt Chrissy's pampering.

We had a horrible incident take place last Friday - I

had to revamp " the talk " . Jordan had two friends over

to spend the night and we spent the next day at the

beach. One of the guys likes Tanner's repetitive

sounds and encourages him by repeating whatever sound

Tanner happens to be making. I spoke with this friend

because I thought he was teasing Tanner - he swears he

wasn't.....just trying to communicate with Tanner.

But this activity is accompanied by lots of laughing,

so it sounds like teasing or making-fun-of to me.

Well after the beach, I found Tanner in the backyard

with his trunks pulled down around his ankles and

twisted so he couldn't get them up on his own. My

first instinct was that Tanner pulled them down

himself (although he's never done this except to go to

the bathroom), but informed me that

(friend) did it.

I felt my blood pressure surging, so I took everyone

home and let Jordan know that no matter how

embarrassing it can be to have a brother like Tanner,

I expect him to stand up for him when the need arises.

I'm disappointed that he didn't step in and stop the

de-pantsing. I tried not to push too many guilt

buttons, but Jordan did feel terrible after our talk,

and he will be talking to to let him know what's

" cool " and what's not. I want Jordan to feel

responsible, but not so responsible that he becomes

dysfunctional (does that make sense???).

I wrote a lot....but I don't have any magic key (darn,

I could use a magic key!). Perhaps we should plan

another " chicks day out " and include Jordan and

? We can start our own " sibshop "

love,jill

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/9/00 7:53:24 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

egroups writes:

I guess that's one prob we don't have to worry about (sigh) since is the

baby of the family......I know it must be hard on the families where the

disabled child is the oldest or next to oldest and the younger ones

eventually pass him/her!

I do know that 's older brothers protect him, but that occasionally,

Josh, the 11 yo, has mentioned from time to time that he wishes was born

" normal " so that they could play Nintendo together and do other " normal "

things, instead of just being like a " baby brother " ......

[Guest guest]

wow! jauki, sounds like josh is having a hard time with mattew, we havent

had too big of outbursts like that yet, nathan our oldest is 9yrs with

ds/pdd, and his little brother is 7yrs, but bery bright and very mothering

of him, i constantly have to remind him nathan can do it himself, to let him

do it even if it takes awhile,and as for baby sitters we usually have a

family member watch the boys when needed, this is a big help for us and for

nicholas too, because if family is there, not likely to have a crush, and

they will follow nathan's behavioral mangement teaching him the right thing

to do, and nathan is very good at saying sorry, and hugging to make nicholas

better if he accidently hurts him. But im eager to see what others with

older sibs have to say, im sure there will be a point someday i will need

this same advise.

>From: Jaxmeisel@...

>Reply-egroups

>egroups

>Subject: Re: sibling embarrassment

>Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2000 13:49:13 EDT

>

>I was wondering how you all deal with the frustration and embarrassment

>that

>your child with DS-ASD causes for his/her siblings (if any at all).

>

>, my 8 year old, not diagnosed with anything, is becoming more and

>more

>frustrated by 's behaviors. is 10, almost 11. Josh used to

>take it all in stride, but is becoming less tolerant - and I can't say I

>blame him. He has taken to bursting into tears after an " incident " and

>saying things like , " Mommy, is ruining my life. "

>

>Today, I came home from a very short work day - just had to swing by the

>college to return final papers and turn in summer school grades - I was

>gone

>an hour. I left both boys at home with , a 15 year old sitter who I

>suspect Josh has a bit of a crush on (don't end a sentence with a

>preposition

>- sorry, couldn't help it!) Apparently my timing was perfect because

>

>was running around the house with no pants on. He had taken himself to the

>bathroom but refused to put his undies and shorts back on. He'd *only*

>been

>baring his butt about five minutes .... Josh was mortified. I got

>to

>dress himself, paid and sent her home, and Josh just lost it - he

>sobbed and yelled at . His face was burning with humiliation.

>, of course, was oblivious.

>

>I held while he cried and ranted, agreed that it *was* indeed very,

>very embarrassing and that I understood his feelings. He wanted to know

>how

> could not " get it " that it was not okay to run around naked. I

>explained a bit about retardation - but said I don't know *why* can

>do some things quite appropriately and others not at all. He said that I

>shouuld yell at and spank him. I said that I should try to teach

>him

>better by breaking down the steps to getting pants on again after going to

>the bathroom, but that yelling and hitting would hurt and make him

>afraid, but never teach him anything.

>

>Josh has calmed down now, but is mutttering things like, " Even if MAtthew

>COULD say he was sorry, I would NEVER forgive him. "

>

>Any suggestions or commiserations?

>Thanks,

>Jacqui

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jacqui,

Do you have the Sibshop program in your area? Sibshop is a wonderful program

for children who have siblings with disabilities - they get to spend time

with others in their situation, vent, and receive guidance from older

siblings and professionals. If you don't have this program in your area, you

might want to seek some counseling for Josh to help him cope with his

emotions. I'm so sorry he's having such a rough time, but can certainly

understand why. Those preteen years can be very tough - all over the map

emotionally! Hang in there,

Maureen