Sibling embarrassment, lurking

[Guest guest]

Didn't bore at all, ine.

When I was growing up, children with special needs were " those kids. " They went

to a different school, or at least not my school. I only saw special needs

adults when they were on the VIP, Industries bus going to a job. I was very

bright as a child (I think some of my brain cells have died off since then

<grin>) and had no tolerance for slow learners. I went to an all white (except

for 1 boy when I was a Junior and Senior) high school. I didn't realize what

prejudice was. Then I joined the Navy, and realized just how prejudiced my home

town (and by extension, me) was. I moved back home after 10 years, with ,

and really got a look at my hometown's prejudice. I was playing in a public

park with , when he was non-verbal and we did sign language for his key

words. I had a mother actually steer her daughter away from and not let

her play with him as if it were " catching. " Now I don't even want to hear

someone suggest that I don't know what prejudice is because I'm white. I lived

in a mostly black neighborhood because I was working for minimum wage, and most

of the poor in my town just happened to be black. The white kids wouldn't play

with at the daycare he went to. They knew he was different and had

learned from their parents that different is bad. His only friends were the

black kids because they sensed that he was different, but he was treated the

same way they were by the " crowd. " Now I have no tolerance for prejudice and

discrimination.

Funny how life can change us, huh?

Loriann

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/17/00 10:40:11 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

pnavarro@... writes:

<< Hope this didn't bore anyone!

Love to all,

a California lurker

ine

Mom to , 9 ( biological)

5 ( bio, DS and Autism)

3 ( adopted from Mexico)

>>

ine,

You have cheated us out of your words of wisdom all of this " lurking " time!

LOL What a wonderful post. Please share your views more often. I love

reading these post from the heart! I know what you mean about keeping up on

the posts. LOL Sometimes I can, other times I mean to, but just can't, and

sometimes I just have to " save " them for a better day, which never seems to

come! LOL I have so many " saved " , I could read for a year and still not

catch up! LOL

WELCOME!!!!!

Gail, Mom to; Seth-4, jo-8, Becky-9, -23, Jen-24, Grandma to Errick-4

and wife to -my hero

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/17/00 7:40:14 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

pnavarro@... writes:

<< a California lurker >>

ine!

Girl great to meet you! I too am a fellow Californian! I also do not get to

reply to much. I appreciate your insight into the sibling issue. My

daughter does not say much now, so I am assuming she does not get hassled

much...yet.

Jeannie

Mom to Mark and ~

[Guest guest]

ine,

You have a wonderful attitude about your sister. I remember talking to an

old friend of mine who also had a mentally retarded sister (how she referred

to her). She hated her sister and when I had told her about my son

having Down Syndrome she freaked out over it. She started telling me how

much she hated her sister and how she was brain damaged and so is my son. I

tried to explain the extra chromosone causing the reatardation and she

wouldn't hear it. She went off the deep end relating to her sister and past

experiences and I would end up hating my child as much as she hated her

sister. WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously I never spoke to her again and realized she had some serious stuff

going on she needed help resolving at this age in her life. It is so

refreshing to hear your views of your own siblings and know that my children

have also handled their siblings limits very well. They too have had their

moments, but like you and your other child, they were only moments in a

lifetime of patience, understanding and tolerance.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/17/00 1:01:26 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

hsmyangel@... writes:

<< I went to an all white (except for 1 boy when I was a Junior and Senior)

high school. I didn't realize what prejudice was. >>

Loriann,

Same with me! I am not prejudice against any race, religion or monetary

status. I am though against obnoxious, loud mouthed, ignorant, know-it-alls.

I never realized how many there were here until Seth came along. I often

wonder if I was one of them. I think not because most of them seem to be the

do-gooders of the community! You know, the ones that are supposed to be

making life better for our kids?

Gail

[Guest guest]

Great to hear from you. I appreciate your opinion. I so love hearing from

adult siblings about what it was like growing up with a brother or sister

with a disability. I can only hope and pray that my 4 other children grow

up with the same wonderful outlook that you have.

And we're ALL busy with reading and responding on the list. Some days I

can catch up, other days there's no way. Which is why if I dont' respond,

it's not because I dont' care; it's probably because I never saw the post.

That's the great thing about this particular list. No one holds it against

you and you can say whatever you want without critiqueing your own posts.

Let us know how things are going when you can!!

Donna

[Guest guest]

I didn't plan on being a lurker! I wasn't originally a lurker! I just get

overwhelmed by the number of people now talking and rarely believe I have

something to add that hasn't already been said, and also don't understand

how you all have time to even read everything, let alone answer everything

as well as you do!! So, hope you all don't mind the lurking..I am still

here, though usually I end up with about 200 messages before I can get a

chance to extemely quickly scan through them..

About sibling embarrassment. My sister was and is very mentally retarded (

now 40, I am 43). She thus behaved in very odd ways on the playground when

my Mother would let me bring her and my little brother to play. And, of

course, got called names. I learned to fight because of her! I also learned

tolerance, acceptance, patience....(at least, I try...) I learned to look

" behind " people to love them for who they are, not for who I want them to

be..( all of this has been highly augmented by my , of course!!) I am

extremely intolerant of any kind of intolerance, and I believe it is in

large part due to my sister...So, I believe I am a better person as a

result.

However, at the same time I remember being very embarrassed that, as a kid,

I couldn't have a " normal " sister, and downright furious with God that this

had happened to my sister, and by extension ( I now know) to me, and

feeling guilty that it wasn't me that was retarded, and trying to " make up

for it " for my sister, trying to somehow deserve my blessedness, a kind of

" noblesse oblige " feeling..and not until years later did I realize that

some of the intensity of my female relationships ( on my part) came from my

trying to have a " normal " sister ( not to mention an emotionally

unavailable mom), thus friendships were highly unbalanced. So, anyway, I

don't know what I am tryng to say except to let you know that these are

things I experienced, and I try to remember them when ( the older bro

of 9 years old) says or does anything that reminds me of myself. So far, he

seems ok, though he, too , gets embarrassed by acting out in a

restaurant, or trying to take off his swim suit at the pool, but he also

gets embarrassed by his littlest brother, , who is 3, doing these

things, or his Mom's underwear showing over the top of her jeans........So

I am not sure yet if there is any embarrassment from disability or if it

just " normal " stuff. When any discussions or questions come up, I try to

reinforce that is because is , and that we all have

issues to work on, we all have jobs to do, and just because is

doesn't mean can't be . And after is grown, he is going to

see how has helped him learn so much more than most people learn, and

how he is a much better and happier person for it. ( I have found this to

be true for other siblings I have known, we all credit our ability to have

joy and appreciate what we have to our siblings...cultivating a feeling of

gratitude and peace in others is not a bad job for someone, is it?) And as

for other people who stare or disparage, they are the ones with the little

vision, and though it hurts us to hear them or see them do some of the

things they ( they =strangers or acquaintances) I try to feel pity for

their little lives and just try to educate them by telling them what Down

Sydrome is. ( we don't even go into Autism much) So far, has spoken of

a little to his classmates, and was the " class knowledgable one "

during a discussion of chromosomes in his class. He hasn't told me of any

teasings etc...but who knows.

A lot of this is going to also apply to concerning his brother ,

who is pretty dark and will probably be up for some malarky as well as he

grows....but so far we haven't reached that point.

Hope this didn't bore anyone!

Love to all,

a California lurker

ine

Mom to , 9 ( biological)

5 ( bio, DS and Autism)

3 ( adopted from Mexico)

[Guest guest]

very nice to meet you, i know what you mean about the number of emails,

often i too dont get to answer many of them just trying to read them all is

very time consuming in our very busy days, often i too wil have 100-300

messages at a time too, i dont mind and do eventually get through them and

add if im am able, even though is occasionally late as this email is.

shawna.

>From: duffey48@...

>Reply-egroups

>egroups

>Subject: Re: Sibling embarrassment, lurking

>Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000 13:40:43 EDT

>

>Great to hear from you. I appreciate your opinion. I so love hearing from

>adult siblings about what it was like growing up with a brother or sister

>with a disability. I can only hope and pray that my 4 other children

>grow

>up with the same wonderful outlook that you have.

>And we're ALL busy with reading and responding on the list. Some days I

>can catch up, other days there's no way. Which is why if I dont' respond,

>it's not because I dont' care; it's probably because I never saw the post.

>That's the great thing about this particular list. No one holds it against

>you and you can say whatever you want without critiqueing your own posts.

>Let us know how things are going when you can!!

>Donna

>

>

>