very long vent

April 10, 2000

if you dont have time, just delete, but i am at a BREAKING POINT and instead

of going nutso on my kids i am " typing " my stress away or at least attempting

too!! as most of you know ashton has been with me at home for the past month

and a half do to the school mediation and all that crapt which is a nother

issue..... she is starting to do her old behaviors and i am going bonkers

myself... last night she lined up canned goods for two hours which is not the

problem, i ask her to put them up and she did compliently with persuasion and

me helping...... but then she wanted to watch " barney " which is what she

calls all disney movies....i said " no, lets do something together " i had

colors, playdoh, shaving cream, rice, ect.......she wanted NOTHING TO DO

except disney.....she layed on the floor and screamed " bad mommy " for about

thirty minutes....well now that she weighs almost eighty pounds and i have a

bad back due to going thru windshield in car wreck, can't lift her like i

used too. well i sat down and started rubbing her and putting pressure on her

toes, which she usually likes, not now.....she kicked me jumped up and ran

downstairs where she spun in circles and holllered or singed or whatever

vocally for about two hours....... by this time its midnight and i am

exhausted... i got her up the stairs into her bed where she finally fell out

at 100am...hubby left for a mission at 330am for who knows how long....so

shes up at 800, gives me hug adn wants disney..i say no, and try to get her

to work on her letters and signs.....she screams no....... fits in the floor

like wet nooodle and goes to spin and scream downstairs.... she comes back up

and has floortime with me and cameron for about half hour, which is

good.....then she wants disney i again say no and she screams adn spins.....

she doesnt want to do anything but watch disney, she used to love outdoors, i

drag her out to go onwalks and play bball, she lays in the driveway and cries

for disney movies....what the hell my new neighbors think is beyond me, not

that i really care..... so my question is what in the hell am i supposed to

do....i cant take this anymore, i have no respite, no family, noone but

myself, dh is always gone.... i am taking her to baseball and soccer and

riding, plus my son has activities but sometimes the battle is more than the

enjoyment..so basically its screw leah and live my life for ashton....what

kind of quality of life is this.....i gave up school, clinicals and my job

for this headache.... it makes me wonder if i shouldnt give up this mediation

stuff and just stick her into that crazy class with the wacky

teacher.....because apparently what i am doing is not enough........ i am

just a failure and shes beyond me..... she wants nothign more in life than to

veg off disney....... and i am a bad mom because i say no!!! i want her to be

productive and do things......should i take away all disney movies out of

house and go cold turkey, its just hard when i have three different docs give

me three diff diagnosis " and none of them match.....i want answers.....made

appt at kennedy krieger but when they said 500 dollars just fo roffice visit

and doesnt include anything else that might b eneeded, i cried.....they wont

take tricare or miltary because they have no contract with them,,,,,,or some

crapt....well the military doc just said put her on prozac and he iddnt even

look at her records.....five minute visit and i have prescritp for prozac,

not.....hell maybe i should be taking it.....so now i am cranky have a

headache from hell and no patience........ so if anyone has ideas, or names

of docs that take milt in in this god for saken place we call home......let

me know...and i am so sorry for venting ot you guys but i am just about to go

nuts............looney in va,leah

April 10, 2000

Leah:

Sorry you're in that dark place. That's what I call it when it's me. It's

not easy when you're all you have.

I only have a few thoughts that are admittedly lame. If anything makes

sense then wahoo. if not, I " m sorry. I'm going to think about you all day!

First, today's a bad day. Let her watch some Disney. I'm unclear from your

note what the goal is. Is the goal not to watch *any* Disney or to reduce

how much? Can you do some bargaining with her? First Disney, then walk,

then back for another video. And over time (over a LONG time if needed) you

can increase the amount of time in between?

Certainly you don't want to necessarily give in during the tantrum. But

perhaps write today off and call it survival. Let everyone just " hang out. "

Know that you'll have to deal with the consequences later (for me that's

cleaning), but sit in a corner with a book and get up to cook the meals,

take them to the bathroom, and get them clean for bed. Retreat!

Do you have enough money in the budget to hire someone in once a month to

clean up for you? If so, see if you can call a maid service just this once.

Then tomorrow, start with a clearly communicated schedule. " Ashton, we've

had some tough days. Mommy wants you to do lots of different things. Here's

what I thought we could to today: video-->breakfast-->video while you clean

up and maybe read the headlines in the paper-->walk-->video while you make

lunch-->eat lunch-->video while you clean up-->go outside and play games

(work on letters but make it fun).....something like that? There's a lot

of video in there, but if you make them short and sweet maybe she'll be

more open to doing the other things you want to do?

Sherry probably has better ideas about how to shape kids for learning at

home. I don't do a lot of the reading/letters/writing learning here at

home. We work on community skills: going to the store (he does the debit

card and safeway bargain card for me), ordering at McD, going for a walk in

the neighborhood, learning to ride the bus.....

I do understand what you mean about living your life for Ashton. I feel

that way a lot. And that's when I visit the deep dark place that is hard to

get out of. It is how I spent much of last summer. I'm working hard to

avoid that this year.

When you're feeling better, see if there are community services you can

sign up for. Like the self determination funds or something. I know...that

stuff is horridly hard and burdensome. Only do it when you feel like it b/c

it also can dash all your hopes for help in about 20 seconds or less.

Vent away. It's fine. I wish I could come and spell you.

j

April 10, 2000

Leah:

Where in virginia are you?

j

April 10, 2000

Can you go home for just a couple of weeks?

I take it you don't know when your husband gets tocome back because of his

position in the military?

I'm going to ask some friends in VA if they know where you might get some

respite help. Even if you stay in the house while they're there and THEY

pick up the cans, it's a help.

I don't think you should let her watch the videos all day...I just think

you need to insert other stuff slowly. I " m not one for the cold turkey

hardline approach. I fall apart.

Start with very small goals. Afterall, you didn't want to be homeschooling.

You just are b/c you have some differences to work out (understated, I know).

Consider going home for a break. But while you're there, make plans. Gather

the tools you need to teach a schedule. Make the tools you feel you need to

take those tiny steps while you're surrounded by love. Use the time to

shore youreself up and prepare for days like today.

If I had to do this in the military (I spent my first married years as an

army wife) I would probably go home right now. But if you're gone too long,

you own't be available to work out your complaint with the schools. Taht's

a dilemma.

I have heard fairfax county is a bear. Good luck.

j

April 10, 2000

Remember that Dr. Megson is in Richmone, Leah. She also takes many governement

programs and might take the Tricare. She at least looks at a child and talks to

the parent!! We found her to be a compasionate person Although she never

suggested that my child needed Benadryl so I could sleep!! I will give her a

pass on that one.

As to Disney Movies - will Ashton let you watch WITH her? Sometimes, one can

insinuate oneself into the action to get interaction while using the videos. I

must admit that the last year I was in VA, we broke down, bought a spaprate vcr

and TV and let Elie watch all the videos he wanted as long as the door was

shut!!!

Sometimes you need to be SELFISH - others would call it self-preservation. How

much help will you be to Ashton if you are locked up in a padded cell - although

there have been times when a sound proof padded cell sounds GREAT!!!

I also use the First you do this, then you may have a video.

Sara

>>> jmedlen@... - 04/10/0 11:52 AM >>>