Re: Body Image/

[Guest guest]

hey

 

omg you realy dont know how much yous have helped me tonight iv just broken up

with my first gf and you have reminded me that i am beautiful and to keep happy

some one new will come along thank you soooo much

 

, do u have msn am 18 and would love to chat with some one my age with

sma

 

lauramechelle

From: Alana <alrt@...>

Subject: Body Image/

Date: Monday, 10 November, 2008, 2:47 AM

,

It's so great that at the age of 19 you feel good about your body and

sexuality. That's hard to come by for men and women whether disabled

or not. Your story about someone telling you in detail how beautiful

you are to her reminded me of things that have helped me.

In 1990 I dated a beautiful and sweet woman for about six months.

One day snuggling up in bed after a long day at our respective jobs

and classes, she put her hand over the part of my back that sticks

out. I pulled away and said, " Don't. "

It brought me back to the 5th grade when the class clown started

poking at the hump on my back, feeling it and saying, " What's this?

Huh? " in front of the whole class as I tried to wriggle away from his

jabbing finger. I felt like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I told Evonne about this and she said, " No, this is one of my

favorite things about you. " She went on to tell me how much she

liked the exaggerated curves of my body...the way my left hip juts

out and how one shoulder reaches up towards my earlobe. She liked

the sharp angles of my high cheekbones, and the delicate elegance of

my spindly arms and hands.

Not long after that, when I was recovering from my breakup with

Evonne, I discovered I had a bit of a crush on my friend . I

laughed at myself because I knew he was too young for me (it's okay

to look!), but I took some time recognize that I was indeed attracted

to him. I not only liked his beautiful eyes and smile, his quick wit

and sharp mind, but I also was attracted to his spindly arms and

twisty angles that were so much like mine. I even liked his squeaky

voice, something which I had been self-conscious about in myself for

so long.

I realized that in order for me to be lovable, I had to love myself;

I had to grant myself the compassion, admiration, and belief in my

own attractiveness that I could so readily feel for someone else who

was as crippled as me.

These experiences and others have been little steps that have brought

me closer and closer to a positive sense of self. It's a slow

process...lifelong. My self-esteem is sometimes challenged when I

feel too sick to want to be sexual despite my and my partner's desire

for each other, or when someone out in the world takes me by surprise

by making me feel like a freak in usually a subtle way; usually a

dismissive gesture or comment said in ignorance right when my

hormones are most out of whack. These moments are becoming less and

less common, and when I do find myself in that insecure place I

remember Evonne's gentle hand, the angles of 's delicate arms,

and the kindness in Chuck's every gesture that he focuses to intently

upon me.

May we all know we're lovable and sexy!

Alana

>

> I don't have any photos posted of me on here, but now that you

mentioned it, maybe I will go do so.

> I haven't always been so confident. I went through phases growing

up where I feared even wearing skirts or shorts or tanktops because I

just couldn't stand the way I looked. It took a long time, but

finally I had somebody tell me that I was beautiful. She made me look

at myself from her point of view and she went through every single

thing she loved about me and told me why each seperate thing was

beautiful to her. And from then on, I've believed in myself. Not

everybody will see me as beautiful, and I know that. But beauty isn't

only defined by what you look like, nor is it about what you can't

physically do, and I'm sure you've heard that before. But rather it's

about how you feel about yourself, what you know, and what you can do.

> I'm not sure how you feel about yourself, exactly, and therefore

advice doesn't come easy. Not to mention, I'm only 19 years old. I'm

not sure of your age, but I do know I'm one of the young ones here.

And who wants to take advice from a youth? But once upon a time, I

had a lack of confidence, and all it took was one simple discussion

with a really awesome person to make me realize that I'm better than

the shy, awkward, loose-fitting- clothing wearing, quiet, tentative

girl that I portrayed myself as.

> I'll go post pictures of myself in a little while after I finish

some homework... And if you'd ever like to talk, email me! I'm always

up for giving as much advice as I can muster.

> Sorry for the forever-long response, haha. I hope it was worth it.

>

>

> ~**~MORS EN SOLA.

>

[Guest guest]

mechelle,

I don't have MSN, but I'll tell you what.. You can definitely email me if you'd

like.

And by the way, I've seen pictures of you, and you are gorgeous.

I'm sorry about the break-up. I know it's rough, believe me. I've been in that

position more times than I can count. But things are only going to sting if you

let them.

Have a great night, and like I said, feel free to email me!

-

From: Alana <alrtcomcast (DOT) net>

Subject: Body Image/

@gro ups.com

Date: Monday, 10 November, 2008, 2:47 AM

,

It's so great that at the age of 19 you feel good about your body and

sexuality. That's hard to come by for men and women whether disabled

or not. Your story about someone telling you in detail how beautiful

you are to her reminded me of things that have helped me.

In 1990 I dated a beautiful and sweet woman for about six months.

One day snuggling up in bed after a long day at our respective jobs

and classes, she put her hand over the part of my back that sticks

out. I pulled away and said, " Don't. "

It brought me back to the 5th grade when the class clown started

poking at the hump on my back, feeling it and saying, " What's this?

Huh? " in front of the whole class as I tried to wriggle away from his

jabbing finger. I felt like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I told Evonne about this and she said, " No, this is one of my

favorite things about you. " She went on to tell me how much she

liked the exaggerated curves of my body...the way my left hip juts

out and how one shoulder reaches up towards my earlobe. She liked

the sharp angles of my high cheekbones, and the delicate elegance of

my spindly arms and hands.

Not long after that, when I was recovering from my breakup with

Evonne, I discovered I had a bit of a crush on my friend . I

laughed at myself because I knew he was too young for me (it's okay

to look!), but I took some time recognize that I was indeed attracted

to him. I not only liked his beautiful eyes and smile, his quick wit

and sharp mind, but I also was attracted to his spindly arms and

twisty angles that were so much like mine. I even liked his squeaky

voice, something which I had been self-conscious about in myself for

so long.

I realized that in order for me to be lovable, I had to love myself;

I had to grant myself the compassion, admiration, and belief in my

own attractiveness that I could so readily feel for someone else who

was as crippled as me.

These experiences and others have been little steps that have brought

me closer and closer to a positive sense of self. It's a slow

process...lifelong. My self-esteem is sometimes challenged when I

feel too sick to want to be sexual despite my and my partner's desire

for each other, or when someone out in the world takes me by surprise

by making me feel like a freak in usually a subtle way; usually a

dismissive gesture or comment said in ignorance right when my

hormones are most out of whack. These moments are becoming less and

less common, and when I do find myself in that insecure place I

remember Evonne's gentle hand, the angles of 's delicate arms,

and the kindness in Chuck's every gesture that he focuses to intently

upon me.

May we all know we're lovable and sexy!

Alana

>

> I don't have any photos posted of me on here, but now that you

mentioned it, maybe I will go do so.

> I haven't always been so confident. I went through phases growing

up where I feared even wearing skirts or shorts or tanktops because I

just couldn't stand the way I looked. It took a long time, but

finally I had somebody tell me that I was beautiful. She made me look

at myself from her point of view and she went through every single

thing she loved about me and told me why each seperate thing was

beautiful to her. And from then on, I've believed in myself. Not

everybody will see me as beautiful, and I know that. But beauty isn't

only defined by what you look like, nor is it about what you can't

physically do, and I'm sure you've heard that before. But rather it's

about how you feel about yourself, what you know, and what you can do.

> I'm not sure how you feel about yourself, exactly, and therefore

advice doesn't come easy. Not to mention, I'm only 19 years old. I'm

not sure of your age, but I do know I'm one of the young ones here.

And who wants to take advice from a youth? But once upon a time, I

had a lack of confidence, and all it took was one simple discussion

with a really awesome person to make me realize that I'm better than

the shy, awkward, loose-fitting- clothing wearing, quiet, tentative

girl that I portrayed myself as.

> I'll go post pictures of myself in a little while after I finish

some homework... And if you'd ever like to talk, email me! I'm always

up for giving as much advice as I can muster.

> Sorry for the forever-long response, haha. I hope it was worth it.

>

>

> ~**~MORS EN SOLA.

>

[Guest guest]

Alana,

Your story is touching, and a lot like mine.

The girl who told me that I was beautiful, I dated for a whole year. I still am

not certain why we're apart now, but I'm giving her the space she needs. I'm

hoping to one day be back with her, but one never knows how things will turn

out.

She once told me a story of the first time she ever noticed how attractive I

was. It was on a bus coming home from a music theatre class, and while I was

getting off the bus, she noticed that my back was rather crooked. Apparently she

always had a thing for crooked backs. And I caught her eye and smiled, and she

told me that she melted then and there, but thought to herself " She would never

like me, she's definitely not gay.. " Of course, I was head over heels for her at

the time.

We spent many beautiful days and nights together, and had a lot of discussions

about what made us beautiful. She was self-conscious too, but for completely

different reasons. And I think we both came out of that relationship feeling

renewed and confident and beautiful and ready for others to think of us as

treasures, just as we thought of each other.

-

From: Alana <alrt@...>

Subject: Body Image/

Date: Sunday, November 9, 2008, 8:47 PM

,

It's so great that at the age of 19 you feel good about your body and

sexuality. That's hard to come by for men and women whether disabled

or not. Your story about someone telling you in detail how beautiful

you are to her reminded me of things that have helped me.

In 1990 I dated a beautiful and sweet woman for about six months.

One day snuggling up in bed after a long day at our respective jobs

and classes, she put her hand over the part of my back that sticks

out. I pulled away and said, " Don't. "

It brought me back to the 5th grade when the class clown started

poking at the hump on my back, feeling it and saying, " What's this?

Huh? " in front of the whole class as I tried to wriggle away from his

jabbing finger. I felt like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I told Evonne about this and she said, " No, this is one of my

favorite things about you. " She went on to tell me how much she

liked the exaggerated curves of my body...the way my left hip juts

out and how one shoulder reaches up towards my earlobe. She liked

the sharp angles of my high cheekbones, and the delicate elegance of

my spindly arms and hands.

Not long after that, when I was recovering from my breakup with

Evonne, I discovered I had a bit of a crush on my friend . I

laughed at myself because I knew he was too young for me (it's okay

to look!), but I took some time recognize that I was indeed attracted

to him. I not only liked his beautiful eyes and smile, his quick wit

and sharp mind, but I also was attracted to his spindly arms and

twisty angles that were so much like mine. I even liked his squeaky

voice, something which I had been self-conscious about in myself for

so long.

I realized that in order for me to be lovable, I had to love myself;

I had to grant myself the compassion, admiration, and belief in my

own attractiveness that I could so readily feel for someone else who

was as crippled as me.

These experiences and others have been little steps that have brought

me closer and closer to a positive sense of self. It's a slow

process...lifelong. My self-esteem is sometimes challenged when I

feel too sick to want to be sexual despite my and my partner's desire

for each other, or when someone out in the world takes me by surprise

by making me feel like a freak in usually a subtle way; usually a

dismissive gesture or comment said in ignorance right when my

hormones are most out of whack. These moments are becoming less and

less common, and when I do find myself in that insecure place I

remember Evonne's gentle hand, the angles of 's delicate arms,

and the kindness in Chuck's every gesture that he focuses to intently

upon me.

May we all know we're lovable and sexy!

Alana

>

> I don't have any photos posted of me on here, but now that you

mentioned it, maybe I will go do so.

> I haven't always been so confident. I went through phases growing

up where I feared even wearing skirts or shorts or tanktops because I

just couldn't stand the way I looked. It took a long time, but

finally I had somebody tell me that I was beautiful. She made me look

at myself from her point of view and she went through every single

thing she loved about me and told me why each seperate thing was

beautiful to her. And from then on, I've believed in myself. Not

everybody will see me as beautiful, and I know that. But beauty isn't

only defined by what you look like, nor is it about what you can't

physically do, and I'm sure you've heard that before. But rather it's

about how you feel about yourself, what you know, and what you can do.

> I'm not sure how you feel about yourself, exactly, and therefore

advice doesn't come easy. Not to mention, I'm only 19 years old. I'm

not sure of your age, but I do know I'm one of the young ones here.

And who wants to take advice from a youth? But once upon a time, I

had a lack of confidence, and all it took was one simple discussion

with a really awesome person to make me realize that I'm better than

the shy, awkward, loose-fitting- clothing wearing, quiet, tentative

girl that I portrayed myself as.

> I'll go post pictures of myself in a little while after I finish

some homework... And if you'd ever like to talk, email me! I'm always

up for giving as much advice as I can muster.

> Sorry for the forever-long response, haha. I hope it was worth it.

>

>

> ~**~MORS EN SOLA.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm really glad it was helpful. Breaking up is difficult, but I think

it's more difficult to stay in a relationship that's not working out.

I'm glad you feel beautiful. Keep on...

>

> hey

>  

> omg you realy dont know how much yous have helped me tonight iv just

broken up with my first gf and you have reminded me that i am beautiful

and to keep happy some one new will come along thank you soooo much

>  

> , do u have msn am 18 and would love to chat with some one my

age with sma

>  

> lauramechelle

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's a very sweet love story, . Indeed, one never knows how

things will turn out. In one way or another, love will find you again.

>

> Alana,

> Your story is touching, and a lot like mine.

>

> The girl who told me that I was beautiful, I dated for a whole year.

I still am not certain why we're apart now, but I'm giving her the

space she needs. I'm hoping to one day be back with her, but one never

knows how things will turn out.

>

[Guest guest]

Alana and ,

Your stories are definitely inspiring. I don't believe that I have

low self-esteem, however I have always struggled with feeling

uncomfortable around guys who I am interested in. I am very confident

in my personality but tend to be self-conscious about the way I move.

I find myself trying to move my arms as little as possible (even

though I tend to " talk with my hands " by wiggling my wrists back and

forth), even worrying about the next time I have to struggle to put my

hand on my joystick. I know that I should have the " if they can't

handle my uber-gimpy package then f*** 'em " attitude, but sometimes

it's hard when it seems as though every guy I meet is only interested

in me as friends. Even the seemingly really sweet guys that I meet

online initially tell me that my disability doesn't matter to them,

but ultimately end up changing their mind. It just gets a little

frustrating when you are 23-years-old, think you are doing everything

right, yet still have never had a boyfriend. Maybe the only solution

is to switch to girls for awhile

[Guest guest]

It's not any easier with girls; trust me. In fact, the women I've

dated or almost dated generally had a much harder time bringing up

concerns they've had about my disability. The guys have been at

least more honest about their reservations.

Date whomever you're attracted to...boys and/or girls...it's work

either way, and well worth it most of the time.

>

> Alana and ,

>

> Your stories are definitely inspiring. I don't believe that I have

> low self-esteem, however I have always struggled with feeling

> uncomfortable around guys who I am interested in. I am very

confident

> in my personality but tend to be self-conscious about the way I

move.

> I find myself trying to move my arms as little as possible (even

> though I tend to " talk with my hands " by wiggling my wrists back and

> forth), even worrying about the next time I have to struggle to put

my

> hand on my joystick. I know that I should have the " if they can't

> handle my uber-gimpy package then f*** 'em " attitude, but sometimes

> it's hard when it seems as though every guy I meet is only

interested

> in me as friends. Even the seemingly really sweet guys that I meet

> online initially tell me that my disability doesn't matter to them,

> but ultimately end up changing their mind. It just gets a little

> frustrating when you are 23-years-old, think you are doing

everything

> right, yet still have never had a boyfriend. Maybe the only

solution

> is to switch to girls for awhile

>

[Guest guest]

When one of my PAs call in sick or don't show, I don't depend on my

partner to do my care. He already works full-time and contributes

plenty to our home. He does lots of incidental things such as

cutting up my food, or dealing with a clogged catheter at 3:30 a.m.

He's also an amazing assistant and advocate if a PA can't accompany

to the hospital emergency room. But if I need someone for a regular

routine at the last minute I call people on my backup list and I pay

them a little more. If I've exhausted all resources I ask Chuck to

help, but I never want him to feel obligated to be with me based on

my need for care. It puts unnecessary and complicated strain on a

relationship, a takes for granted too many things.

Alana

> >

> > Alana and ,

> >

> > Your stories are definitely inspiring. I don't believe that I have

> > low self-esteem, however I have always struggled with feeling

> > uncomfortable around guys who I am interested in. I am very

> confident

> > in my personality but tend to be self-conscious about the way I

> move.

> > I find myself trying to move my arms as little as possible (even

> > though I tend to " talk with my hands " by wiggling my wrists back

and

> > forth), even worrying about the next time I have to struggle to

put

> my

> > hand on my joystick. I know that I should have the " if they can't

> > handle my uber-gimpy package then f*** 'em " attitude, but

sometimes

> > it's hard when it seems as though every guy I meet is only

> interested

> > in me as friends. Even the seemingly really sweet guys that I meet

> > online initially tell me that my disability doesn't matter to

them,

> > but ultimately end up changing their mind. It just gets a little

> > frustrating when you are 23-years-old, think you are doing

> everything

> > right, yet still have never had a boyfriend. Maybe the only

> solution

> > is to switch to girls for awhile

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

The best lover I've been with {so far} was disabled. He had 'no wood'

from a completely severed spinal cord as an infant and viagra wasn't

invented yet when we were together. The sex was great because there

was more emphasis on sensuality and arousal instead of focusing on an

orgasm final destination.

The PCA stuff with an able bod lover can really destroy a

relationship. Stay as independent as humanly possible.

Sure there's going to be days and times an abled bod spouse is your

only help available.

Having a boyfriend who was disabled definately kept the relationship

good in the bedroom because he wasn't having to spend time and energy

PCAing for me.

>

> But isn't it very hard to be intimate when both people use a

wheelchair?  I want to find a man who would be able to help me in

case a PCA doesn't show.

>

> Meg

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: <d-kemp@...>

>

> Sent: Tuesday, November 11, 2008 3:11:24 PM

> Subject: RE: Re: Body Image/

>

>

> I used to not want to date disabled women because I thought it

would be too

> hard to have sex, but it was the best thing I ever did! I couldn't

be

> happier! Nobody really understands a disabled person but another

disabled

> person!

>

> Kemp

>

> Director, OurGV Rewards

>

> <http://www.ourgvrew ards.com/> http://www.ourgvrew ards.com

>

> Phone: 714-974-5799

>

> Business Phone: 714-974-5693

>

> Cell Phone: 714-244-5920

>

> Phone: 949-579-9465

>

> Email 1: d-kempsbcglobal (DOT) net

>

> Email 2: dkempourgvrewards (DOT) com

>

> <http://www.ourgvmal l.com/djk> banner021.jpg

>

> <http://www.benefitb ar.com/benefitba r/subscribe/ toolbar.php?

toolbarId= 1136>

> http://new.a2succes s.com/files/ Image/banner_ 468w60h_82608. jpg

>

> From: @gro ups.com [mailto:@gro

ups.com] On

> Behalf Of Alana

>

[Guest guest]

Meg,

You said a relationship is " give and take equally " but with you that

can't be. I'm curious about why you can't equally contribute to a

romantic relationship? Do you de-value yourself that much? Are you

less of a friend to people you know than they are a friend to you?

Less of a child to your parents that than your siblings? Less of a

student to your professors than your classmates? I have the use of one

hand. Period. I contribute fully my share in this relationship with

Chuck, and I suspect that he wouldn't be here if I wasn't willing to,

as Iwouldn't if he was halfhearted about it. Sometimes I even have to

remind him when I feel like he's not putting his share into it, and he

lets me know if he's feeling neglected.

I adjusted my getup time so we can wake up together. He takes a shower

while my attendant is boiling water for my tea and his coffee. He

reminds me about things we need done around the house and I give him a

grocery list for him to shop on the way home from work. While I'm on

the bedpan each morning I direct my attendant with dinner-making

instructions and a list of chores. Before I retired Chuck and I traded

shopping and dinner making responsibilities based on who's work was

driving whom more crazy, who was closest to the store, or we'd just

decide to go out or order in.

I remind him to do the cat box, and he's better at remembering to take

out the trash and recycling. He feeds and puts the flea goop on the

cats, and I make sure my attendants brush them a few times a week. He

forbids me to drug his cats with catnip, and I sprinkle a little bit in

their cat bed once or twice a month when he's not looking. I promise

and keep my promise to not cleanup his dusty and messy den. He

promises to cleanup his disgusting den when I remind him we're

expecting company. At the end of the day we cuddle up before supper

with his head in my lap and we share stories about our days, or try to

forget about our days, or watch Jim Lehrer and debate politics. If we

have guests coming for dinner, I've already had my attendant set the

table, and he's heating up what I cooked or making one of his favorite

meals.

I keep track of his parents', sisters', niece's and nephews' birthdays,

but I make him order the flowers and by a book for dad or toys for the

boys. I buy a crafty gift or something nice to wear for the girls.

He's not allowed to wrap gifts...he's not so good at it. He's always

allowed to make guacamole and pick out the wine. We tease each other

about traditional gender roles that we do and don't fit into, and we

recognize when the other is sad or under stress. We offer comforting

words, a shoulder to cry upon, or a simple hand-hold, and are ready

with encouraging words, an honest opinion, or a white lie about how

nice the new haircut is.

When we're physically intimate I tell him where to move my hand or a

leg, or that I want him to move closer or stops squishing my hand. He

has never minded doing any of this because our focus is on making each

other feel loved. We both like it when the other tells us what feels

good or what's uncomfortable. We only want to please each other.

We remember each other's birthdays and our anniversary, and we each

surprise each other with spontaneous gifts (like when I sent him a box

with my fancy underwear in it to work...he had to hide it before he

almost opened it in front of his boss). We talk about how we were

raised and what we learned growing up. We tell each other secrets that

are hard to share, and argue about what movie we're going to see (I

bargain using sexual favors as currency to get to see movies with

subtitles). We love each other's imperfections and we're proud of each

other's accomplishments. I rub his sore feet after a rough Judo class

and he buys me chocolate after I've survived a long visit with my

mother.

These are the sorts of things people contribute to a relationship. I'm

not sure why you can't participate equally in one.

Alana

>

> I would feel hurt, of course.  They probably already reject me for

that, or that I can't cook, or do laudry, etc.  Even when I'd be with

an able-bodied man, I would fear about the future and how I could take

care of him.  A relationship is give and take, equally, but with me, it

can't be.  At this rate, I should be alone, it'll be best for everyone.

>

> Meg

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, . It felt good to write...A reminder about what

we've worked over the last eight years to create. Yes, you, too, will

create a good relationship with someone again.

Cheers!

Alana

>

> Alana,

> Your writing is beautiful.

> Your relationship is beautiful.

> You completely made my day, more than you'll ever know.

> My heart is pounding wildly in my chest and it's screaming to have

something like this again. Someday, I know...

>

> -

>

[Guest guest]

So many things you don't know about your auntie! Yes, I shut down my

consulting business last March so I could take better care of my

health, write a book, and take care of the house and my Sweetheart. I

like all types of movies. The bigger issue is that Chuck doesn't like

movies that take work to enjoy and lack explosions. ;-)

>

>

> your retired? you like movies with subtitles?!

>

>

>

>

>

> Jade

>

>

[Guest guest]

Meg,

some times ago I would have said: " Yes, you are right " . But now, after

meeting my dear boy friend I see that this is not so true.

Unfortunately I a am in a hurry right now but please write to me at

Sonnengelb(at)gmx.de if you like and I will tell you my story and will

try to diffuse your fears.

Have a nice day

Camilla

>

> I would feel hurt, of course.  They probably already reject me for

that, or that I can't cook, or do laudry, etc.  Even when I'd be with

an able-bodied man, I would fear about the future and how I could take

care of him.  A relationship is give and take, equally, but with me,

it can't be.  At this rate, I should be alone, it'll be best for everyone.

>

> Meg

>

>