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May 30, 2006

Love Complicates Life Even for the Autistic

Autistic Man Practices Art of Dating

DeSavino, autistic, has fallen in love. (ABC News)

By JOHN DONVAN

May 30, 2006 ‹ It was supposed to have been a spectacular Sunday in New York

City for DeSavino.

He and his mother, , were on their way to Carnegie Hall, where he was

one of a group of piano students in a recital. The others were already

there, taking turns warming up. But DeSavino sensed that there was

something wrong with her son, the only autistic performer in recital that

day.

" When we got to the rehearsal, and he played, I knew immediately as soon as

he played the first couple of notes that he wasn't focused, " she said.

Watch " Nightline " tonight.

Chopin's Prelude #4 is one of the sweetest and gentlest melodies ever

composed. And was just chopping at it.

" I gave him clues and cues while he was playing it ‹ you know, 'Softer,

good, good, that's right,' " said.

But the problem with was entirely in his heart as he had told

previously told his mother.

" He said that he thought that he was in love, " said.

told her later he was in love with an older woman. But problem was the

woman didn't love him back. Unrequited love weighed devastatingly on .

Who knew that a man with autism could suffer the pain of a broken heart?

Does it even make sense that an autistic man is in love?

" Am I to say that what he thinks is love isn't love? " said Gerhardt,

executive director of Nassau Suffolk Services for Autism. " For him, it's

love. And that's okay. "

Human Nature

Gerhardt does not know personally. But as one of the first

psychologists in the nation to work primarily with autistic adults he

concluded long ago that autistic people are as likely as the rest of us to

stumble into human attraction.

" First of all, it's part of human nature, " Gerhardt said.

" He just wants to be with her, " said. " He wants her to be around. "

The object of 's infatuation is the director of a job-training program

he was enrolled in for several years. It's a relationship that could never

be, some of his closet confidantes say.

" Feelings of love are so complex he doesn't understand the nuances, "

said.

And how do you explain that to a man who is otherwise always being

encouraged to go for it, to experience the pleasures and challenges the rest

of us enjoy to the extent he can. is told to enjoy things like sports

and music.

He has a job as a volunteer errand-runner at a New Jersey hospital and lives

with several adults in a home of their own under supervision.

We filmed scenes of in his home and at work for a " Nightline " special

on autistic adults. This was a good time in 's life, before the

heartache. But on that earlier visit ‹ when showed me his room ‹ I

learned that he'd had an earlier infatuation with another teacher.

is heartbreakingly naive in so many ways but especially about

relationships.

To express his feelings for that earlier teacher he started wearing the same

eyeglasses she wore, even though he has 20/20 vision.

" I can't believe how much I loved her, " said. " Well, she's a mother

now. "

New Idea for Experts

The idea that autistic people love the same everyone else is new to experts.

" The kids love their moms, they love their dads, " Gerhardt said. " They will

snuggle up. Yes, there is that classic distance, or they are not looking at

them. But they'll sit next to mom and tuck themselves underneath their arms.

That's love in his terms. "

And yet a man like who loves in his own way can seem so thoroughly at

sea when trying to understand feeling like the feeling in a piece of music.

Jeff and , residents of a group home in New York, are mentally

retarded and are dating. They are not the only disabled members of the

household to be in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships.

lives here while Greg lives in an apartment nearby. He saw her at

a group meeting, and they have been dating since.

Continued