Re: Autism Every Day- but what about Dad's?

[Guest guest]

>

> From: " Ackerman " tacanow@...

> Date: Sun May 14, 2006 0:03pm(PDT)

> Subject: Re: Autism Every Day

>

> Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> Someone has shown what autism is all about

>

> I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

>

> Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

>

> A Jeff's mom

>

I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was mom's

involved.

Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, if they are where most of the men are in ASD marriages, they are

gone.

>

> From: " Ackerman " tacanow@...

> Date: Sun May 14, 2006 0:03pm(PDT)

> Subject: Re: Autism Every Day

>

> Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> Someone has shown what autism is all about

>

> I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

>

> Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

>

> A Jeff's mom

>

I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was mom's

involved.

Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

[Guest guest]

I have a pretty supportive husband. But I would have to say at the

end of the day my ASD kid is my problem.

Mother's " typically " care for the children's needs. ASD kids are no

different except they require more and for longer periods of time.

Ok dad's please don't rain a shit storm on me for stating that. I'm

just saying " typically " it usually ultimately is the mom who deals

with ASD and all the details that go with it.

>

> Unfortunately, if they are where most of the men are in ASD

marriages, they are gone.

>

>

> >

> > From: " Ackerman " tacanow@...

> > Date: Sun May 14, 2006 0:03pm(PDT)

> > Subject: Re: Autism Every Day

> >

> > Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> > Someone has shown what autism is all about

> >

> > I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> > This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

> >

> > Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

> >

> > A Jeff's mom

> >

> I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was

mom's involved.

>

> Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I have a pretty supportive husband. But I would have to say at the

> end of the day my ASD kid is my problem.

>

> Mother's " typically " care for the children's needs. ASD kids are no

> different except they require more and for longer periods of time.

>

> Ok dad's please don't rain a shit storm on me for stating that. I'm

> just saying " typically " it usually ultimately is the mom who deals

> with ASD and all the details that go with it.

>

>

>

Im not disagreeing with that at all.

But where are the thoughts and feeling from Dad's. I know some may not

seem like it but we live with it too.

Some fathers (and even siblings) often are resentful of being brushed

aside of the mother-child bond. That kind of effect was eluded to by

illustrating another sibling in the film but it's effect is on the

whole family.

[Guest guest]

You are right in your observations.

Autism Dads who are on EOH group ROCK!!!!

> >

> > I have a pretty supportive husband. But I would have to say at

the

> > end of the day my ASD kid is my problem.

> >

> > Mother's " typically " care for the children's needs. ASD kids are

no

> > different except they require more and for longer periods of

time.

> >

> > Ok dad's please don't rain a shit storm on me for stating that.

I'm

> > just saying " typically " it usually ultimately is the mom who

deals

> > with ASD and all the details that go with it.

> >

> >

> >

>

> Im not disagreeing with that at all.

>

> But where are the thoughts and feeling from Dad's. I know some may

not

> seem like it but we live with it too.

>

> Some fathers (and even siblings) often are resentful of being

brushed

> aside of the mother-child bond. That kind of effect was eluded to

by

> illustrating another sibling in the film but it's effect is on the

> whole family.

>

[Guest guest]

> Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

>

>

>

There were some images of men, I presume fathers, shown in the

background, reflecting their support " in the background. " I guess I

don't feel slighted at all -- all four women did a much better job of

demonstrating the heartbreak of autism then I could have. I think I

can speak for most fathers who show up and stick around for their kids

-- there is little doubt we are appreciated -- there is little need

for " PR " to confirm it. Like it or not, the story about family autism

is a story about women and the documentary shows that.

With some notable exceptions, just about every active autism

organization, the good, the bad, and the ugly, were founded,

co-founded or lead by fathers. Let's face it, some guys don't have the

patience to do breastfeeding and tend to gravitate towards more

traditional male roles they are better at. The fathers that I have

come to know through autism are some of the finest men, human beings I

have ever met. Through our example, more fathers will follow.

Having said all that, the major downside to being a single parent dad

raising an autistic child on his own is the social and personal

isolation -- who has the time, energy for finding someone new? And

" dating " ? What a foreign concept. I know there are plenty of single

autism moms with autistic kids out there, too and I don't mean to

minimize their situation, but statistics show that it is much harder

on a man to be lonely than it is for women. Widowed men die much

sooner than widower women, for example. I get much satisfaction from

the gratitude expressed by people I have helped through the newsletter

and my advocacy. I even just received a DAN! Community award complete

with a standing ovation from hundreds of parents -- again mostly

women. Yet none of that can substitute for the simple pleasure of a

woman's company, and ironically, the accolades just add to the sting.

And it doesn't help that I'm picky and dislike the internet meat

market, either.

So, like any mom, my heart still breaks everyday for my son. Where are

the thoughts and feelings of fathers, asks? Whoop, there it is

-- for me anyway. Fighting autism beats getting drunk, at least.

Lenny

[Guest guest]

I would like to add that we are acquainted or associated with some twenty seven families with A-kids in our area and only three have ever been divorced. Of those three divorced couples, two ASD children are in the care of their fathers.

I guess we buck the trend down here or something.

Re: Autism Every Day- but what about Dad's?

> Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?> > >There were some images of men, I presume fathers, shown in thebackground, reflecting their support "in the background." I guess Idon't feel slighted at all -- all four women did a much better job ofdemonstrating the heartbreak of autism then I could have. I think Ican speak for most fathers who show up and stick around for their kids-- there is little doubt we are appreciated -- there is little needfor "PR" to confirm it. Like it or not, the story about family autismis a story about women and the documentary shows that. With some notable exceptions, just about every active autismorganization, the good, the bad, and the ugly, were founded,co-founded or lead by fathers. Let's face it, some guys don't have thepatience to do breastfeeding and tend to gravitate towards moretraditional male roles they are better at. The fathers that I havecome to know through autism are some of the finest men, human beings Ihave ever met. Through our example, more fathers will follow. Having said all that, the major downside to being a single parent dadraising an autistic child on his own is the social and personalisolation -- who has the time, energy for finding someone new? And"dating"? What a foreign concept. I know there are plenty of singleautism moms with autistic kids out there, too and I don't mean tominimize their situation, but statistics show that it is much harderon a man to be lonely than it is for women. Widowed men die muchsooner than widower women, for example. I get much satisfaction fromthe gratitude expressed by people I have helped through the newsletterand my advocacy. I even just received a DAN! Community award completewith a standing ovation from hundreds of parents -- again mostlywomen. Yet none of that can substitute for the simple pleasure of awoman's company, and ironically, the accolades just add to the sting.And it doesn't help that I'm picky and dislike the internet meatmarket, either. So, like any mom, my heart still breaks everyday for my son. Where arethe thoughts and feelings of fathers, asks? Whoop, there it is-- for me anyway. Fighting autism beats getting drunk, at least.Lenny

[Guest guest]

I'll say this to any dad of an ASD child that isn't right there in

the thick of things -- You are the one that is missing out,

buddy!!!

Every day I get to spend with my son is a day that I cherish! If I

had the chance to quit my job and stay home, I'd do it in a

heartbeat! The worse day with my son is infinitely better than the

best day I ever had at work!

>

>

> > Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

> >

> >

> >

>

> There were some images of men, I presume fathers, shown in the

> background, reflecting their support " in the background. " I guess I

> don't feel slighted at all -- all four women did a much better job

of

> demonstrating the heartbreak of autism then I could have. I think I

> can speak for most fathers who show up and stick around for their

kids

> -- there is little doubt we are appreciated -- there is little need

> for " PR " to confirm it. Like it or not, the story about family

autism

> is a story about women and the documentary shows that.

>

> With some notable exceptions, just about every active autism

> organization, the good, the bad, and the ugly, were founded,

> co-founded or lead by fathers. Let's face it, some guys don't have

the

> patience to do breastfeeding and tend to gravitate towards more

> traditional male roles they are better at. The fathers that I have

> come to know through autism are some of the finest men, human

beings I

> have ever met. Through our example, more fathers will follow.

>

> Having said all that, the major downside to being a single parent

dad

> raising an autistic child on his own is the social and personal

> isolation -- who has the time, energy for finding someone new? And

> " dating " ? What a foreign concept. I know there are plenty of

single

> autism moms with autistic kids out there, too and I don't mean to

> minimize their situation, but statistics show that it is much

harder

> on a man to be lonely than it is for women. Widowed men die much

> sooner than widower women, for example. I get much satisfaction

from

> the gratitude expressed by people I have helped through the

newsletter

> and my advocacy. I even just received a DAN! Community award

complete

> with a standing ovation from hundreds of parents -- again mostly

> women. Yet none of that can substitute for the simple pleasure of a

> woman's company, and ironically, the accolades just add to the

sting.

> And it doesn't help that I'm picky and dislike the internet meat

> market, either.

>

> So, like any mom, my heart still breaks everyday for my son. Where

are

> the thoughts and feelings of fathers, asks? Whoop, there it

is

> -- for me anyway. Fighting autism beats getting drunk, at least.

>

> Lenny

>

[Guest guest]

Perhaps the statistics show the majority of marriages of ASD families

end in divorce, but I would disagree that the dads aren't there. We

just had our ASA spring conference and there were many fathers in the

audience. I believe much of the reason why more dads aren't as visible

is because they're out working their butts off to enable us moms to

care for the kids & give us a chance to research.

When Allie was first dxed I felt offended that Craig wasn't as equally

involved in researching/advocacy. We discussed it and he told me that

he feels very inadequate in comprehending all the research, he's quiet

by nature, so he prefers to be the support person and me take the

lead. Once we had discussed our feelings it made sense that pertaining

to this, we do as we do. He's always interested in hearing what

research or political stuff is going on and will give an opinion if I

ask it. I know many marriages don't have this sort of arrangement and

that's okay, what ever works.

I think it's a balancing act in any marriage, esp an ASD family, to

have the " autism breaks " where everything isn't about autism. However,

when we have to fight our insurance companies, schools, doctors, and

community every step of the way, it sure does make it hard to " put it

in it's place. " I think these issues are what prevents us from doing

it, and unfortunately, some of us don't have the stomachs to take it,

that's usually when a spouse takes off.

Debi

>

> Unfortunately, if they are where most of the men are in ASD

marriages, they are gone.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can do both. I'm a woman and I'm good at multi-tasking!

" Fighting autism beats getting drunk, at least. "

>

> Lenny

>

[Guest guest]

As someone here said before, there is no greater force in nature than

a mother protecting her child. I won't speak for all dad's, but

personally I believe there ain't a mom on this list that wouldn't kick

my ass if I got in her way. So gets an IOU (for a very

big hug) from .

As far as relationshipwrecks go, my better half and I split a little

over 2 years ago. Pretty awful. But we were still always there for

our son - thru all the doctors visits, consults with lawyers, school

board dealings, meetings with agencies, politicians, all that stuff.

Neither of us ever just walked away. No matter what. I couldn't

imagine not having this little guy in my life. His smile (and a hug)

is always, always the best part of my day.

A few months ago we made the first steps towards getting back together

(actually we're about 95% " back " now - we're working at it and so far

doing ok). Not suggesting that this is even possible in most

cirumstances - I can appreciate how autism can obliterate even a

strong relationship. I'm only sharing this little twist on the thread

here, hoping that a story about a recovering relationship might

brighten the overall picture a bit. We may be an exception, and it

takes time, but it can happen. Also a reminder that even a " split "

does not necessarily mean " gone " .

Autism / EOH mom's rock, and Autism kids are amazing. My son teaches

me about life in ways that I never would have understood otherwise.

His mom keeps me sane and generally figures out how to put up with my

occasional stupid human tricks. So what about dad's? In my case, I'm

just lucky to have the two of them. Also lucky to have access to

groups like this where I can learn, and where I can witness some

amazing autism mom's and dad's challenging and changing the political

landscape.

-randy

---

In EOHarm , " Debi " <fightingautism@...> wrote:

>

> Perhaps the statistics show the majority of marriages of ASD families

> end in divorce, but I would disagree that the dads aren't there.

>

> I think it's a balancing act in any marriage,

[Guest guest]

I would like to give a shout out to all of the Dad's that are still around

and doing a great job! More and more, especially on this sight, I see posts

from the Fathers trying just as desperately as the mothers to help their

children. It took my husband a couple of years but he is doing his own

research and is involved so much more. I think my husband took the autism

diagnosis as a DEEP personal failure and it took a little longer to swallow

the pill and to be able to feel adequate. Don't worry Dad's, Father's day

is coming soon.-

Re: Autism Every Day

>

> Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> Someone has shown what autism is all about

>

> I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

>

> Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

>

> A Jeff's mom

>

I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was mom's

involved.

Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

[Guest guest]

You're right, . My husband is a hero. He has handled 3

autistic kids with grace and power. He fights tirelessly for them.

He is hands on. He changes our 11 year olds poopy panties AND period

pads at the same time. He takes our 9 year old everywhere. He

travels 50%+ of his time and when he's home he's working with the

kids. He is my ROCK and has held me together more times than I can

count -- especially when my eldest had seizures. One day he flew to

San Diego, got my call " Seizures again! " and got on the red eye back

East same day. He got me live-in help when he saw me cracking

under the stress -- he pulled us through 2 years of unemployment and

never ran off, never dropped into a bottle and never let us down.

The fathers have a unique role -- they must " provide " for our

families and provide levels of emotional support they probably NEVER

imagined they even had - let alone could express. I have Dad's on

my own list who are picking up the ball and RACING down the

field for their kids. The Dad's are AWESOME. Are there shmucks

out there? Sure. But that's true in everything. I have friends

with typical kids who can't hack fatherhood. Autism Dads are

heroes. Don't let them forget it.

KIM

>

> I would like to give a shout out to all of the Dad's that are

still around

> and doing a great job! More and more, especially on this sight, I

see posts

> from the Fathers trying just as desperately as the mothers to help

their

> children. It took my husband a couple of years but he is doing

his own

> research and is involved so much more. I think my husband took

the autism

> diagnosis as a DEEP personal failure and it took a little longer

to swallow

> the pill and to be able to feel adequate. Don't worry Dad's,

Father's day

> is coming soon.-

>

> Re: Autism Every Day

> >

> > Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> > Someone has shown what autism is all about

> >

> > I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> > This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

> >

> > Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

> >

> > A Jeff's mom

> >

> I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was

mom's

> involved.

>

> Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

WOW!

Don't even know him and he's MY hero too!!

Thanks for telling us about him.

lump in my throat,

> >

> > I would like to give a shout out to all of the Dad's that are

> still around

> > and doing a great job! More and more, especially on this sight,

I

> see posts

> > from the Fathers trying just as desperately as the mothers to

help

> their

> > children. It took my husband a couple of years but he is doing

> his own

> > research and is involved so much more. I think my husband took

> the autism

> > diagnosis as a DEEP personal failure and it took a little longer

> to swallow

> > the pill and to be able to feel adequate. Don't worry Dad's,

> Father's day

> > is coming soon.-

> >

> > Re: Autism Every Day

> > >

> > > Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> > > Someone has shown what autism is all about

> > >

> > > I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> > > This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

> > >

> > > Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

> > >

> > > A Jeff's mom

> > >

> > I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was

> mom's

> > involved.

> >

> > Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

WOW!

Don't even know him and he's MY hero too!!

Thanks for telling us about him.

lump in my throat,

> >

> > I would like to give a shout out to all of the Dad's that are

> still around

> > and doing a great job! More and more, especially on this sight,

I

> see posts

> > from the Fathers trying just as desperately as the mothers to

help

> their

> > children. It took my husband a couple of years but he is doing

> his own

> > research and is involved so much more. I think my husband took

> the autism

> > diagnosis as a DEEP personal failure and it took a little longer

> to swallow

> > the pill and to be able to feel adequate. Don't worry Dad's,

> Father's day

> > is coming soon.-

> >

> > Re: Autism Every Day

> > >

> > > Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> > > Someone has shown what autism is all about

> > >

> > > I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> > > This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

> > >

> > > Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

> > >

> > > A Jeff's mom

> > >

> > I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was

> mom's

> > involved.

> >

> > Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

You are truly blessed and are a great couple! Hats off to all moms

and dads who work so hard...don't forget we still have Fathers Day

coming to tell them how great they are.

> > >

> > > I would like to give a shout out to all of the Dad's that are

> > still around

> > > and doing a great job! More and more, especially on this sight,

> I

> > see posts

> > > from the Fathers trying just as desperately as the mothers to

> help

> > their

> > > children. It took my husband a couple of years but he is doing

> > his own

> > > research and is involved so much more. I think my husband took

> > the autism

> > > diagnosis as a DEEP personal failure and it took a little longer

> > to swallow

> > > the pill and to be able to feel adequate. Don't worry Dad's,

> > Father's day

> > > is coming soon.-

> > >

> > > Re: Autism Every Day

> > > >

> > > > Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> > > > Someone has shown what autism is all about

> > > >

> > > > I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> > > > This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

> > > >

> > > > Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

> > > >

> > > > A Jeff's mom

> > > >

> > > I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was

> > mom's

> > > involved.

> > >

> > > Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hooray for the heroes out there!

Barb

Re: Autism Every Day

> >

> > Unbelievable. Someone has captured autism in 13 minutes.

> > Someone has shown what autism is all about

> >

> > I am so grateful. I am so thankful.

> > This is the best mothers day gift to me ever...

> >

> > Happy Mothers day to moms and dads,

> >

> > A Jeff's mom

> >

> I too like the video but from watching it you'd only think it was

mom's

> involved.

>

> Where were the fathers? Where are their thoughts and feelings?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>