Re: Denial?!

[Guest guest]

I agree that most of what others refer to as denial in my life is more

related to frustrations at society. While in New York I saw a

therapist. She, too, kept telling me that I was in denial of my

disability and that this was the root cause of my anger and

depression, citing the fact that I do not do things I wanted to do

such as going out to clubs, the ballet, or visiting with friends and

family more regularly. I utterly disagreed and believe I was

frustrated at the lack of services (virtually no public transit for

individuals with disabilities and a weak disabled network which meant

very few ADA buildings), as well as the rude personalities I had to

encounter in order to receive the limited services available in my

area. Similarly, as I was preparing to move to California a few years

ago my mother insisted I was in denial of my disability because I was

unable to offer her specific information on services available here.

In my opinion, I felt as though she just didn't need the exact details

of the address and telephone numbers to every possible agency or

provider I was going to utilize. I wanted utter independence, even

from the possibility of her oversight. I also believe that my mother

was in denial of my independence - a motherly thing with any child

moving 3,000 miles away, I'm sure.

I think that there are situations where frustrations may appear to be

denial, or that others claiming you're in denial is an overly

simplistic view of how they look at some individuals with disabilities

because looking at larger worldly issues is too complex and too much

to deal with (either categorically in their mind or personally as a

political view). It's also quite easy for others to think that you're

unable to fully comprehend your disability if you are eager for

equality or equal experiences and knowingly push aside potential harm

or consequences. This may be a personality trait, a daredevil or

stubborn attitude, which some (DA and ABs alike) may think is denial.

On the other hand, as a disabled young woman, I recognize what I would

characterize as lack of acceptance of one's disability in some people

I've gotten to know over the years. These characteristics are more

related to the inability to think about ones self in a disabled

context, the desire to not relate or categorize ones self with other

individuals with disabilities, or blatent ignorance of necessary

support systems, to name a few.

<3 Kendra

>

> This issue of being in denial about one's disability keeps coming up.

> What does that mean, anyway? Does it mean we're pissed?...Or that we

> can't accept that we have our impairment(s)? Everyone I know on this

> list has a right to be pissed now and then. Heck, everyone has the

> right to be pissed whether they're disabled are not when things are

> sucky. Maybe this concept about us being in denial is more about the

> discomfort of others about our frustration. I don't know...Any

> thoughts on this, folks?

>

> Alana

>

[Guest guest]

I think that simply labeling someone in denial of their disability, or even

as accepting of their limitations, rules out that person's ability to transcend

EVERYTHING that SMA presents......stereotypes, stairs, employment

discrimination, relationship challenges, weakness, etc. Labeling is not

wholistic or

inclusive. Folks label to help themselves grasp our reality......which never

works

because reality is subjectively based on one's perceptions. How can someone

without SMA truly get what we think, feel, or experience? Not even those

closest to us get it.

I am a 49 yr. old retired counselor with SMA I/II, who proudly admits that

denial of my disability has enabled me to transcend it and achieve goals which

even my able-bodied peers could not. I have denied being defined by my

disability my entire life. So what? I'm in a wheelchair and on a vent. I still

work,

pay taxes, shop, have sex, beachcomb, hike, dance, create, travel, and work to

save the planet.

Denial has worked well for me! ;-)

Vicki

************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

[Guest guest]

Well, I could be very uncharitable to those who suggest we are in denial

by saying that it's a lazy " diagnosis " . After all it's easy to say that

my anger at how I'm treated by others is because " I'm " in denial about

my disability. Then it's all about me. If I just accepted my disability

all the anger and frustration would somehow melt away. I'm almost 50

years old and I've been disabled all my life. No, I don't have the

greatest body image. I'm just wondering who has a good one in this

culture? I know very few people (in fact I'm tempted to generalize and

say no one but that's never true) who feels great about how they look

all the time. Like everyone else, I have good days and I have bad days.

Some bad days are directly related to what I can't do because of my

disability. It's hard to always have to do things with assistance. It's

hard to always have to plan ahead. It's hard to want to do things and

not have the energy. Does my frustration with these things mean that I'm

in denial? I think it's because I have a disability that limits what I

can do on my own. I don't see why it's bad to be frustrated by those

limitations on occasion.

Alana wrote:

> This issue of being in denial about one's disability keeps coming up.

> What does that mean, anyway? Does it mean we're pissed?...Or that we

> can't accept that we have our impairment(s)? Everyone I know on this

> list has a right to be pissed now and then. Heck, everyone has the

> right to be pissed whether they're disabled are not when things are

> sucky. Maybe this concept about us being in denial is more about the

> discomfort of others about our frustration. I don't know...Any

> thoughts on this, folks?

>

> Alana

>

>

>

--

Guy W.

San Leandro, CA

http://www.xango.org http://stonebender.livejournal.com/

" I have no discernible guilt about having het privilege. I have it, but it's not

my fault that I do. It is, however, my perception that I'm responsible for

trying to spread the privilege around a bit. "

— Serene Vannoy, on being out as bi, poly and atheist

[Guest guest]

Well Said! I couldn't have said it better myself.

>

> I think that simply labeling someone in denial of their disability,

or even

> as accepting of their limitations, rules out that person's ability

to transcend

> EVERYTHING that SMA presents......stereotypes, stairs, employment

> discrimination, relationship challenges, weakness, etc. Labeling is

not wholistic or

> inclusive. Folks label to help themselves grasp our

reality......which never works

> because reality is subjectively based on one's perceptions. How can

someone

> without SMA truly get what we think, feel, or experience? Not even

those

> closest to us get it.

>

> I am a 49 yr. old retired counselor with SMA I/II, who proudly

admits that

> denial of my disability has enabled me to transcend it and achieve

goals which

> even my able-bodied peers could not. I have denied being defined by my

> disability my entire life. So what? I'm in a wheelchair and on a

vent. I still work,

> pay taxes, shop, have sex, beachcomb, hike, dance, create, travel,

and work to

> save the planet.

>

> Denial has worked well for me! ;-)

>

> Vicki

>

>

>

> ************************************** See what's free at

http://www.aol.com.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Same here Vicki! I am actually suprised that a

psychologist would not understand our depression as

well. I mean, for me, a loss of ability is losing a

part of myself, feeling a loss is mourning, so I think

we all have a right to be in denial, angry, frustrated

and depressed. If I didn't get angry or be in

" denial " , I would just quit fighting to do things and

accept it, but then where would I be? I quit going to

counselling because no matter what they say, they

don't understand and never will unless they've walked

in our shoes.

Simone

--- VickiLJurney@... wrote:

> I think that simply labeling someone in denial of

> their disability, or even

> as accepting of their limitations, rules out that

> person's ability to transcend

> EVERYTHING that SMA presents......stereotypes,

> stairs, employment

> discrimination, relationship challenges, weakness,

> etc. Labeling is not wholistic or

> inclusive. Folks label to help themselves grasp our

> reality......which never works

> because reality is subjectively based on one's

> perceptions. How can someone

> without SMA truly get what we think, feel, or

> experience? Not even those

> closest to us get it.

>

> I am a 49 yr. old retired counselor with SMA I/II,

> who proudly admits that

> denial of my disability has enabled me to transcend

> it and achieve goals which

> even my able-bodied peers could not. I have denied

> being defined by my

> disability my entire life. So what? I'm in a

> wheelchair and on a vent. I still work,

> pay taxes, shop, have sex, beachcomb, hike, dance,

> create, travel, and work to

> save the planet.

>

> Denial has worked well for me! ;-)

>

> Vicki

>

>

>

> ************************************** See what's

> free at http://www.aol.com.

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

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[Guest guest]

I agree, Kendra, with you're description of ho people so often don't

understand the levels of frustration and isolation that is often

experienced by people with disabilities. I was also thinking about

your " on the other hand... " that I pasted in below. Yes, I've seen

this discomfort. I remember being in it myself, avoiding eye-contact

with other people with disabilities. I also see people who take out

their frustration about all their access and inclusion struggles by

being nasty to people who provide services. I've seen people be so

rude and bitchy to paratransit drivers who did nothing wrong and

personal assistants trying very hard. I also cringe at the polyanna

who always says everything is just great as long as you keep a positive

attitude. There's definitely denial out there, but it's a pretty easy

label to throw around.

Alana

--- In , " Kendra " <kendranicole@...>

> On the other hand, as a disabled young woman, I recognize what I would

> characterize as lack of acceptance of one's disability in some people

> I've gotten to know over the years. These characteristics are more

> related to the inability to think about ones self in a disabled

> context, the desire to not relate or categorize ones self with other

> individuals with disabilities, or blatent ignorance of necessary

> support systems, to name a few.

>

> <3 Kendra

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/17/2007 9:08:07 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

alrt@... writes:

This issue of being in denial about one's disability keeps coming up.

What does that mean, anyway? Does it mean we're pissed?...Or that we

can't accept that we have our impairment(s)can't accept that we h

list has a right to be pissed now and then. Heck, everyone has the

right to be pissed whether they're disabled are not when things are

sucky. Maybe this concept about us being in denial is more about the

discomfort of others about our frustration. I don't know...Any

thoughts on this, folks?

I find it just plain ridiculous that a PSYCHOLOGIST would be debating that

issue to begin with! Anyway, I get a lot more pissed off since I've had kids.

It isn't like I didn't *know* it'd be difficult, I guess I just didn't realize

how difficult! Add to this the total disrespect and disgusted looks I get

when I'm alone with Olivia... god, people have been pissing me off lately.

Amy

Wife to Will 11/3/95

Mama to Olivia Isabelle 9/18/03

&

Phineas Maximilian 11/30/05

************************************** See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

[Guest guest]

Lazy, indeed! I also like what you said about everyone having good or

bad days. So, true.

>

> Well, I could be very uncharitable to those who suggest we are in

denial

> by saying that it's a lazy " diagnosis " . After all it's easy to say

that

[Guest guest]

As usual, you rock, Vicki!

[Guest guest]

Maybe this concept about us being in denial is more about the

discomfort of others about our frustration. I don't know.

....I think that's it exactly. If they were in our shoes for one month

(yes, one whole month so they really get the picture), I think they'd

sing a different tune.

L

Alana wrote:

>

> This issue of being in denial about one's disability keeps coming up.

> What does that mean, anyway? Does it mean we're pissed?...Or that we

> can't accept that we have our impairment(s)? Everyone I know on this

> list has a right to be pissed now and then. Heck, everyone has the

> right to be pissed whether they're disabled are not when things are

> sucky. Maybe this concept about us being in denial is more about the

> discomfort of others about our frustration. I don't know...Any

> thoughts on this, folks?

>

> Alana

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've been trying to come up with a satisfying answer to this question ever

since the last time it came up. I have all sorts of angsty feelings about my

disability from time to time, and I don't think that means denial, but how do I

differentiate? What does denial mean?

This is the answer I just came up with...

When I was going into my senior year of high school, I went to get my senior

photos taken. My mom and I went, chose a photo package, brought a couple outfit

changes, had the pictures taken, the whole deal. A couple days later we went

back to see the pictures and choose which ones we wanted printed. When the

photographer was laying out all the pictures, I noticed something strange--all

the pictures were close-ups. Most of them were from the shoulders up; some went

near the waist. But nothing below my waist, no full-body shots. I didn't say

anything about it and didn't think about it too hard, I just thought it was

weird.

Then we were choosing the picture that would go in the school's yearbook, which

the photographer would submit to my high school. He brought one up on his

computer screen as we were considering it, and then he told me, " If you want, we

can crop the wheelchair out of the picture. All we'd have to do is fill in this

and this part to look like the background. People with braces on their teeth do

it all the time. "

I was so confused. Who would I be fooling by cropping out my wheelchair? Nobody

at school had even seen me without my wheelchair. I thought it was a stupid idea

and told him I'd rather just leave it. A moment later, I put two and two

together in my head, and realized that he had taken all my photos with the goal

of showing as little wheelchair as possible. He used the camera angles to

minimize how much of my chair was showing. And it bothered me. But I was very

passive and timid at this time in my life, and I didn't say anything, and we

still bought the pictures. (I still regret that.)

To get to the point, I think that if I were in denial about my disability, I

would have gladly accepted his offer to delete the chair from the picture. But

no way, I found it offensive, like he was rejecting part of me by trying to

disguise my disability. I don't like being disabled, but I accept it as reality,

and I recognize that like it or not, my disability is an integral part of my

identity. I can't separate myself from it--not in reality, not in a photo, and

no psychologically.

Just to be clear, that isn't saying that my disability is my entire identity.

There's a lot more to me than just a wheelchair. But my disability has

undeniably played a large role in shaping who I am. I think that understanding

indicates acceptance of the disability. And it's BECAUSE OF that acceptance that

I sometimes have a hard time dealing with the implications of disability, the

self-image issues, the long-term possibilities, the daily struggles.

Anyway, that's my long answer to a short question.

e

Denial?!

This issue of being in denial about one's disability keeps coming up.

What does that mean, anyway? Does it mean we're pissed?...Or that we

can't accept that we have our impairment(s)? Everyone I know on this

list has a right to be pissed now and then. Heck, everyone has the

right to be pissed whether they're disabled are not when things are

sucky. Maybe this concept about us being in denial is more about the

discomfort of others about our frustration. I don't know...Any

thoughts on this, folks?

Alana

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