Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 You know, I was really surprised to find out that my husband seems to feel the same - he feels it's a natural part of our relationship to take care of me. Sure we both do things that occassionally bug the other, but I think I was building up this big stress in my mind that really doesn't have a whole lot do with reality. My parents always had this dire prediction that any man would " get sick of taking care of me and leave me. " (My mom's exact words!) I think I just assumed they were right and was unconsciously waiting for it to happen. (Of course it's been 14 years already.) If anything, I think this unspoken presumption I held has had more of a detrimental effect on our relationship than my physical care needs. It's weird, but I think he really likes me. Jenn Joy wrote: >Thanks . I don't think I missed the point. I don't even disagree that some people may get " tired. " I was simply saying I'm surprised by it being a women. That's just ME being surprised, not a big deal I thought. I don't think she should feel guilty either. I just think not ALL people will need a break. I used to think that and feel it when past ppl kind of got tired of helping me...but some people can help us without thinking twice, as someone stated " as caring for himself. " For some people they never think twice that we need the help and its natural for them to just do it. I am so very thankful my hubby is one of those people. I didn't believe they existed, but they do! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 I just went back to read the original post I was thinking of and this is the quote in my mind, but you are correct, she didn't say " tired " she said: " Am I really the only person who sometimes resents being my spouse's primary caregiver? " resentment and being tired are different. sorry. Aunt617@... wrote: I never read that anyone was " tired " of being the caregiver. I think you missed the point. I think there are days the caregiver is just plain tired. So what? That's being very honest and very human. Sometimes people need a break or a little help. That's fine and no one should feel guilty for admitting that. It's better than holding it in. That's when the resentment begins. I think it's better to say, " I need a break. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 I do understand what you are saying...I was just saying something else. And as far as gender, I stated to begin with, I was surprised it was coming from a woman since typically women are known as being the nurturing type and all that which comes with that. Please notice I said typically. Just my thoughts on it. And like I said before I wasn't trying to fight, I was just surprised. Aunt617@... wrote: Everyone needs occasional breaks, regardless of what we're doing. None of us are machines. I'm sure your hubby loves you and loves what he's doing. That's besides the point. Do you understand what I'm saying? Also, what does gender have to do with anything?!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 exactly. Jenn Malatesta <nekrosys@...> wrote: You know, I was really surprised to find out that my husband seems to feel the same - he feels it's a natural part of our relationship to take care of me. Sure we both do things that occassionally bug the other, but I think I was building up this big stress in my mind that really doesn't have a whole lot do with reality. My parents always had this dire prediction that any man would " get sick of taking care of me and leave me. " (My mom's exact words!) I think I just assumed they were right and was unconsciously waiting for it to happen. (Of course it's been 14 years already.) If anything, I think this unspoken presumption I held has had more of a detrimental effect on our relationship than my physical care needs. It's weird, but I think he really likes me. Jenn Joy wrote: >Thanks . I don't think I missed the point. I don't even disagree that some people may get " tired. " I was simply saying I'm surprised by it being a women. That's just ME being surprised, not a big deal I thought. I don't think she should feel guilty either. I just think not ALL people will need a break. I used to think that and feel it when past ppl kind of got tired of helping me...but some people can help us without thinking twice, as someone stated " as caring for himself. " For some people they never think twice that we need the help and its natural for them to just do it. I am so very thankful my hubby is one of those people. I didn't believe they existed, but they do! > > A FEW RULES * The list members come from many backgrounds, ages and beliefs So all members most be tolerant and respectful to all members. * Some adult language and topics (like sexual health, swearing..) may occur occasionally in emails. Over use of inappropriate language will not be allowed. If your under 16 ask your parents/gaurdian before you join the list. * No SPAMMING or sending numerous emails unrelated to the topics of spinal muscular atrophy, health, and the daily issues of the disabled. Post message: Subscribe: -subscribe Unsubscribe: -unsubscribe List manager: (Sexy Mature Artist) Email: Esma1999@... oogroups.com List manager: (Sexy Mature Artist) Email: Esma1999@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 In a message dated 10/25/2005 1:51:05 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, j0yeuxx@... writes: Thanks . I don't think I missed the point. I don't even disagree that some people may get " tired. " I was simply saying I'm surprised by it being a women. That's just ME being surprised, not a big deal I thought. Actually I was surprised that it seemed on this list that mostly men were the ones being the caregivers and nurturing ones, while its usually a woman's job to be those things. So I sort of see your point. Kimi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 In a message dated 10/25/2005 2:26:08 PM Eastern Standard Time, nekrosys@... writes: It's weird, but I think he really likes me. =) hehe. Amy Wife to Will 11/3/95 Mama to Olivia Isabelle 9/18/03 - she's two! http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/o/oliviathegreat/ A new addition to arrive November 28th, 2005- it's a boy! http://babiesonline.com/babies/m/mama20305/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 In a message dated 10/25/2005 12:01:03 PM Central Daylight Time, j0yeuxx@... writes: The other comment I want to make is that I feel that after marriage " girls weekends out " are kind of over. I mean isn't that part of why we get married? So we're not all giving our lives to our friends but rather to the one we chose to spend our life with? Not sure if I am saying exactly what I am thinking, but I hope it makes some kind of sense. That is not to say we can't hang out with our friends, but spending a whole weekend away to me would totally suck...and my hubby agrees. Me and my hubby have to agree...especially considering kids are now part of our family. Amy M. Marquez Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) - Type 1 Wife to Steve - Married October 17, 1998 Mom to le Coral - Born July 19, 1999 Mom to Harley Jasmine - Born March 9, 2004 Colette - Retired Deceased Service Dog Ella - Retired Service Dog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 In a message dated 10/25/2005 11:45:28 PM Eastern Standard Time, those2@... writes: Words like everyone, always, and never are so absolute. Can you really speak for " everyone " ? Also, I think Joy knows her husband well enough to honestly tell us if he needs a break or not. May I kiss you now or later? Heh. Well said. Amy Wife to Will 11/3/95 Mama to Olivia Isabelle 9/18/03 - she's two! http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/o/oliviathegreat/ A new addition to arrive November 28th, 2005- it's a boy! http://babiesonline.com/babies/m/mama20305/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 I agree Alana! Kimi In a message dated 10/26/2005 12:02:15 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, alrt@... writes: i feel differently about this. my friendships are very important to me, as is my relationship with chuck, but i'm certainly not giving my life to any of them. i've committed to sharing my life with chuck, and have always viewed it as an enhancement to each other's lives. with or without him i am still a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, writer, advocate, artist, activist, teacher...and on the top of that list i'm so proud of all my wonderful friendships including the one i have with chuck. they teach me a lot, foster my independence, provide practical and emotional support, and enhance my ability to love. i'm making some great friendships through this list. chuck goes to gaming conventions near and far, and out for a day or evening with friends. i make plans with my friends and am actually planning an overnight getaway with a friend of mine so we can hole-up in a motel and cafes, visit some, and each get some neglected writing done. chuck and i do lots with just each other, with mutual friends, and with each other's friends. " girls weekends out " don't have to go away unless you don't want them anymore. it's different depending on the couple. alana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 I'm with you for sure! L Joy wrote: > > The other comment I want to make is that I feel that after marriage > " girls weekends out " are kind of over. I mean isn't that part of why > we get married? So we're not all giving our lives to our friends but > rather to the one we chose to spend our life with? Not sure if I am > saying exactly what I am thinking, but I hope it makes some kind of > sense. That is not to say we can't hang out with our friends, but > spending a whole weekend away to me would totally suck...and my hubby > agrees. Sure there are things I can't do that he can, but we do all > kinds of fun stuff together that we both enjoy and no weekend away > with the girls can beat that for me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 Words like everyone, always, and never are so absolute. Can you really speak for " everyone " ? Also, I think Joy knows her husband well enough to honestly tell us if he needs a break or not. L Aunt617@... wrote: > Everyone needs occasional breaks, regardless of what we're doing. None > of us > are machines. I'm sure your hubby loves you and loves what he's doing. > That's > besides the point. Do you understand what I'm saying? Also, what does > gender have to do with anything?!! > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 LOL...I think you're right! :-) L Jenn > It's weird, but I think he really likes me. > > Jenn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 , It's just her opinion. I don't think Joy meant any harm by it. L Joy wrote: > I do understand what you are saying...I was just saying something else. > And as far as gender, I stated to begin with, I was surprised it was > coming from a woman since typically women are known as being the > nurturing type and all that which comes with that. > Please notice I said typically. Just my thoughts on it. And like I > said before I wasn't trying to fight, I was just surprised. > > > Aunt617@... wrote: > Everyone needs occasional breaks, regardless of what we're doing. None > of us > are machines. I'm sure your hubby loves you and loves what he's doing. > That's > besides the point. Do you understand what I'm saying? Also, what does > gender have to do with anything?!! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 i feel differently about this. my friendships are very important to me, as is my relationship with chuck, but i'm certainly not giving my life to any of them. i've committed to sharing my life with chuck, and have always viewed it as an enhancement to each other's lives. with or without him i am still a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, writer, advocate, artist, activist, teacher...and on the top of that list i'm so proud of all my wonderful friendships including the one i have with chuck. they teach me a lot, foster my independence, provide practical and emotional support, and enhance my ability to love. i'm making some great friendships through this list. chuck goes to gaming conventions near and far, and out for a day or evening with friends. i make plans with my friends and am actually planning an overnight getaway with a friend of mine so we can hole-up in a motel and cafes, visit some, and each get some neglected writing done. chuck and i do lots with just each other, with mutual friends, and with each other's friends. " girls weekends out " don't have to go away unless you don't want them anymore. it's different depending on the couple. alana > > > > > The other comment I want to make is that I feel that after marriage > > " girls weekends out " are kind of over. I mean isn't that part of why > > we get married? So we're not all giving our lives to our friends but > > rather to the one we chose to spend our life with? Not sure if I am > > saying exactly what I am thinking, but I hope it makes some kind of > > sense. That is not to say we can't hang out with our friends, but > > spending a whole weekend away to me would totally suck...and my hubby > > agrees. Sure there are things I can't do that he can, but we do all > > kinds of fun stuff together that we both enjoy and no weekend away > > with the girls can beat that for me! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 Now and later would be fine. *L* Thanks. L blueyedaze@... wrote: > > In a message dated 10/25/2005 11:45:28 PM Eastern Standard Time, > those2@... writes: > > Words like everyone, always, and never are so absolute. Can you really > speak for " everyone " ? Also, I think Joy knows her husband well enough > to honestly tell us if he needs a break or not. > > > May I kiss you now or later? Heh. Well said. > > Amy > Wife to Will 11/3/95 > Mama to Olivia Isabelle 9/18/03 - she's two! > http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/o/oliviathegreat/ > A new addition to arrive November 28th, 2005- it's a boy! > http://babiesonline.com/babies/m/mama20305/ > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 I completely agree with you Alana. I love Joe and I love sharing my life with him and spending time with him, but that doesn't mean I have to give up the other relationships I have built. We need diversity to continue our growth and better ourselves and those relationships we are in. I love having my own friends and spending time with them. Likewise, Joe has his own friends and goes out with them as he pleases. We also hang out all in a group. For us, it builds our relationship. We have new and exciting things to talk about. We can share new experiences or hobbies with others who add to our enjoyment as individuals and a couple. It's important to grow together. It's more important to grow separately and come together on your own. <3 Kendra > > i feel differently about this. my friendships are very important to > me, as is my relationship with chuck, but i'm certainly not giving my > life to any of them. i've committed to sharing my life with chuck, > and have always viewed it as an enhancement to each other's lives. > with or without him i am still a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, > niece, writer, advocate, artist, activist, teacher...and on the top > of that list i'm so proud of all my wonderful friendships including > the one i have with chuck. they teach me a lot, foster my > independence, provide practical and emotional support, and enhance my > ability to love. i'm making some great friendships through this > list. chuck goes to gaming conventions near and far, and out for a > day or evening with friends. i make plans with my friends and am > actually planning an overnight getaway with a friend of mine so we > can hole-up in a motel and cafes, visit some, and each get some > neglected writing done. chuck and i do lots with just each other, > with mutual friends, and with each other's friends. " girls weekends > out " don't have to go away unless you don't want them anymore. it's > different depending on the couple. > > alana > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 25, 2005 Report Share Posted October 25, 2005 What Alana's describing - a relationship as a crucial enhancing element but not a dependent element of one's life - is the healthiest way to go. Unfortunately, because of lack of attendant services, it's not an option for the VAST majority of people with disabilities. People make due with what they have. And I know it's really hard. We have to change this country. Nick Kendra wrote: >It's important to grow together. It's more important to grow >separately and come together on your own. > ><3 Kendra > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 26, 2005 Report Share Posted October 26, 2005 L, Yes, " everyone " on the planet needs a break from time to time. It's human and it's healthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 26, 2005 Report Share Posted October 26, 2005 Nick, I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 26, 2005 Report Share Posted October 26, 2005 oh I'm not saying at all that you can't or won't want to hang out with friends still. And it is fun to hang out with a group of friends and just another couple. I agree we need that diversity,and I don't think we have to give up other relationships. It's really the spending nights away that I feel is and basically should be different when married. And believe me, I thought that I'd still be doing some of the same things I did " with the girls " after marriage that I did before, but things change. Marriage really does change people. It IS important to grow separately and come together on your own... at night . Kendra <kendranicole@...> wrote:I completely agree with you Alana. I love Joe and I love sharing my life with him and spending time with him, but that doesn't mean I have to give up the other relationships I have built. We need diversity to continue our growth and better ourselves and those relationships we are in. I love having my own friends and spending time with them. Likewise, Joe has his own friends and goes out with them as he pleases. We also hang out all in a group. For us, it builds our relationship. We have new and exciting things to talk about. We can share new experiences or hobbies with others who add to our enjoyment as individuals and a couple. It's important to grow together. It's more important to grow separately and come together on your own. <3 Kendra > > i feel differently about this. my friendships are very important to > me, as is my relationship with chuck, but i'm certainly not giving my > life to any of them. i've committed to sharing my life with chuck, > and have always viewed it as an enhancement to each other's lives. > with or without him i am still a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, > niece, writer, advocate, artist, activist, teacher...and on the top > of that list i'm so proud of all my wonderful friendships including > the one i have with chuck. they teach me a lot, foster my > independence, provide practical and emotional support, and enhance my > ability to love. i'm making some great friendships through this > list. chuck goes to gaming conventions near and far, and out for a > day or evening with friends. i make plans with my friends and am > actually planning an overnight getaway with a friend of mine so we > can hole-up in a motel and cafes, visit some, and each get some > neglected writing done. chuck and i do lots with just each other, > with mutual friends, and with each other's friends. " girls weekends > out " don't have to go away unless you don't want them anymore. it's > different depending on the couple. > > alana > A FEW RULES * The list members come from many backgrounds, ages and beliefs So all members most be tolerant and respectful to all members. * Some adult language and topics (like sexual health, swearing..) may occur occasionally in emails. Over use of inappropriate language will not be allowed. If your under 16 ask your parents/gaurdian before you join the list. * No SPAMMING or sending numerous emails unrelated to the topics of spinal muscular atrophy, health, and the daily issues of the disabled. Post message: Subscribe: -subscribe Unsubscribe: -unsubscribe List manager: (Sexy Mature Artist) Email: Esma1999@... oogroups.com List manager: (Sexy Mature Artist) Email: Esma1999@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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