Re: Re: The boyfriend/girlfriend thing

[Guest guest]

Kendra wrote:

> I agree. It sounds more like a self-esteem issue. I don't think

> there's anything " wrong " or not even special about a man that loves a

> disabled woman or vice versa.

Ok, how do you make the self-esteem issue better? I have this problem

really bad too, so do all groups that face daily discrimination.

Nick

[Guest guest]

I have a low personal esteem when it comes to my looks and sexuality. I

feel I am physically unattractive and undesireable in this modern world of

beauty and fitness.

For all my lack of confidence in my sexuality, I have a mind and an

intellect that makes me a cut above the rest, and I know it. Call it

conceit, call it what you like, when you can look at your achievements and

have a big smile on your face, you've cracked it. In every other aspect of

my life I have achieved what I wanted to succeed, and in many cases more.

I know I cant pick up my girlfriend and throw her to the bed and make love

to her, but I can be a sexual and sensual being all the same. We have a

great sex-life and with a bit of adaption and planning, nothing is

impossible My ability to provide mental support to her and her kids,

together with financial security makes me as good a partner as someone

able-bodied. And she tells me this all the time... and I love her to bits

for it.

My friends know what I am capable of, people meet me and realise that I have

achieved more than most, and thus, despite feeling slightly downtrodden

because of my physical appearances, I too have had a number of successful

long term relationships, and a few not-so long term ones

All of us have achieved greatness in our lives by over coming the hurdles

presented to us. Many on this list have gone on much further than just

over-coming those hurdles, by achieving what the majority of the able bodied

people of the world haven't managed.

I have a PhD and run a consultancy business, Sue is a successful business

woman, Nick you have managed a highly successful campaign, the list goes

on.... look to your achievements and feel proud of yourself.

All of you that lack self-esteem, go through your life achievements and

think about them long and hard. Think about how many other people could

have conquered that mountain, think about how the majority of the general

public probably would fall at the first hurdle.

Now you have those thoughts in your mind, smile!

Kev

> Re: Re: The boyfriend/girlfriend thing

>

>

> Kendra wrote:

>

> > I agree. It sounds more like a self-esteem issue. I don't think

> > there's anything " wrong " or not even special about a man that loves a

> > disabled woman or vice versa.

>

>

> Ok, how do you make the self-esteem issue better? I have this problem

> really bad too, so do all groups that face daily discrimination.

>

> Nick

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

I think there is something to the way a society views their disabled

community. I can't think of her name but we have a lovely young lady from

Italy on the list who has told us that disabled people in her area are not

viewed as sexual being/partners. No matter how good your self-esteem is, I

think it would be hard to break down those societal norms/barriers and to

believe that you have every right to hope for the love that we all crave and

need. Under those circumstances, I can see where one would have little hope

of finding a (able-bodied) lover who has the strength to overcome a lifetime

of societal conditioning. Here in the U.S., it is more common, and

therefore has become more " acceptable " , to see couples where one partner is

in a wheelchair...at the mall, having an intimate dinner for two in a

restaurant, etc.

To Maya, I say I believe there is someone for everyone. Don't lose hope.

Lori

Re: The boyfriend/girlfriend thing

I agree. It sounds more like a self-esteem issue. I don't think

there's anything " wrong " or not even special about a man that loves a

disabled woman or vice versa. We are people. We need and deserve love

and affection (and are quite capable of giving and receiving) as every

other person in this world. If you present yourself as confident and

feel beautiful and sexy, not only will you feel better about yourself

but you'll find many people flocking to you - just as friends and even

sometimes more.

I feel very lucky to have found my Luca - and to have had the

experience of many fulfilling relationships in the past - but that

isn't because I'm disabled and feel like he ought to be pitied and

congratulated for " putting up with " my emotional and physical needs.

It's because forming relationships on any emotional level ought to

make you feel wonderful and special. Besides, sometimes it's me

" putting up with " his annoying habits and needs. But I love him all

the same.

~Kendra

> I think you have quite the misconception that our (well, at least

my) spouse

> doesn't care about physical appearance because he's one of the

pickiest people

> I know. I've had intimate relationships with others and

undoubtedly, the

> attraction was very mutual. What you said sounds as if a disabled

person

> couldn't be seen as attractive and to me, that sounds more like a

self-esteem

> issue rather than something being " wrong " with a man who found you

attractive.

> I've always presented myself as confident even when I was going the

insecure

> teenage years. I think your attitude and the way you come off

seriously affects

> your sex appeal, etc.

>

>

>

> *Amy*

> Mother to Caitlyn Mae - born to heaven 3/26/98

> Olivia Isabelle - born to earth 9/18/03

> Wife to Will 11/03/95

> http://community.webshots.com/user/blueyedaze

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/16/2004 3:25:38 PM Central Standard Time,

nekrosys@... writes:

Lots of this stems from my ongoing

battle with chronic depression. I get frustrated I cannot be happy with

my life. I get frustrated when people think I should be estatically

happy because I'm married and have kids.

I definitely hear what you're saying. Do you feel you depression is

situational or is there a chemical imbalance? I, too, almost feel guilty when I

get

depress because I have " so much to be thankful for. " Heh, nobody ever

understands. =P

*Amy*

Mother to Caitlyn Mae - born to heaven 3/26/98

Olivia Isabelle - born to earth 9/18/03

Wife to Will 11/03/95

http://community.webshots.com/user/blueyedaze

[Guest guest]

eddy_thailand wrote:

> But you should realize that she doesn't live in a western society that is

> kind of enlightned concerning disabilities. She is from Serbia, a very

> beautiful country, but not very easy for the handicapped.

I wondered if that might be contributing to the problem/issue. I know a

lot of people from eastren europe through church and I can imagine it'd

be harder to " sell yourself " in a living environment where good health

is a necessity in taking care of family, getting food, and getting around.

--

Jenn Malatesta

[Guest guest]

You know, even being married for almost 13 years, I still struggle with

these self-esteem issues. Sometimes I think, " Why in the hell did Lee

ever marry me? What is the attraction? " For the most part I view

myself as unattractive and flabby. Lots of this stems from my ongoing

battle with chronic depression. I get frustrated I cannot be happy with

my life. I get frustrated when people think I should be estatically

happy because I'm married and have kids. Relationships don't solve

everything. If you have issues being single, you'll probably have

issues being " connected " too.

--

Jenn Malatesta

[Guest guest]

I understand how hopeless it can feel, never believing you will ever

find love. I've been there too, but now I'm married to a wonderful man.

We've been together about 7 years, married for 2 years in July.

Just made a photoalbum with a couple of pics if you are interested

Gunn (aka Misty)

[Guest guest]

Maya,

I think many of us heard what you were saying. Your English is

amazing...very impressive.

Anyway...I hear you and I hope you know we are here to listening and

hopefully be a support for you.

Take care!

Lori

Re: The boyfriend/girlfriend thing

I think you skipped a letter by a fellow named Eddy who I shall quote at

the end of my letter.... I don't see the reason for being defensive

either. I mean no harm and nowhere did I say that we do not deserve to

be loved/sexually active. I might have not been clear enough so I was

took the wrong way. Thus: natural selection strives to connect two

individuals that are most fit, strong and healthy to extend the species.

It's in our genes to do so, it's a naturally programmed... it is natures

software that basically works on that principle... With intellectual

advancement men/women have surpassed the instinct but then the reasons

for that are various... Nuance is variable... THAT is something hard to

find/come by... in a lifetime.

A lot of you are very lucky because you live in a environment that does

not behave destructive, rude and offensive towards those who are

physically different that they are. I AM NOT SAYING that your society is

free from the above but much more tolerant and understanding as a whole.

It is NOT like that where I come from. I come from Serbia (Yugoslavia)

and men are 90% sexually driven and/or show affection and closeness to

ONLY pretty, healthy, slick looking women. It also very hard to make

friends, though easier than to find love and care. In all, whole of my

society abhor from anything looking different, 'abnormal'... they

approach with anxiety and, yes, are very ignorant. Living in such

condition indisputably makes me uneasy, insecure... makes me feel like a

lower life form at extreme times of crisis. For me who has very little

social activity due to my parents who have not the nerve, money or

strength to help me socialize... I have very little friends. Finding

that 10% is extremely difficult...

Also, access to anything public (be it theater, restaurants, cinema,

schools, universities) is TOTALLY out of my physical league. I did go to

school but not the school I wanted to go to. I went to the school that

was accessible. Care of invalids is pore and sometimes awful in

dormitories... help is hard to find, trust is hard to come by... Yes

there are exception, the lucky exceptions...

I hope you now understand.

>>>>Hello Maya,

Maybe this sounds funny but I had the same experience in Serbia

regarding relationships. I used to own a business in Vojvodina and I

visited your country many times but I was never able to establish a

relationship with a woman over there. When I was young I always felt

very

frustrated after visiting Belgrade. I liked the people, I always enjoyed

being with my friends but I never was able to " score " .

This was not typical for ex-Yugoslavia because it was not like that in

Istria,

Dalmacija or Sarajevo. People seemed more open in those places

regarding disabilities but Belgrade was really tough.

My friends explained me that even if a girl in Serbia would like me, she

would never like to be seen with me in public. Her reputation would be

harmed and she would lose status with her friends.

Maybe it is funny to say but my first love was also called Maja and was

from

Belgrade. I was 17 and she was 14 so real " puppy love " :-) But we met

in

Istria on summer holiday, that's not the same as real life.

I am married now with a great woman and we have a beautiful son

together. I think you should not give up, you sound very smart and your

paintings are cool.

Good luck,

Eddy <<<

Maya

http://www.brightdarkness.webpicturebook.com/

A FEW RULES

* The list members come from many backgrounds, ages and beliefs So all

members most be tolerant and respectful to all members.

* Some adult language and topics (like sexual health, swearing..) may

occur occasionally in emails. Over use of inappropriate language will

not be allowed. If your under 16 ask your parents/gaurdian before you

join the list.

* No SPAMMING or sending numerous emails unrelated to the topics of

spinal muscular atrophy, health, and the daily issues of the disabled.

Post message:

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[Guest guest]

blueyedaze@... wrote:

> I definitely hear what you're saying. Do you feel you depression is

> situational or is there a chemical imbalance? I, too, almost feel

> guilty when I get

> depress because I have " so much to be thankful for. " Heh, nobody ever

> understands. =P

I think it's both. The chemical imbalance thing definately runs in my

family and medicine does help. But I'm pretty isolated during the day

while Lee and the kids are at school, especially in the winter when I

cannot go tooling around outside without freezing.

But at least you understand. Sniff...

--

Jenn Malatesta

[Guest guest]

-

I just went to the doctor yesterday to get my meds switched. For the

last 4 or 5 years, I've been on Prozac or a Prozac generic. It worked

really well for some time. I actually was on a 1/2 dose for the 1st

couple years. Then I went through a time where I had no energy or

motivation. The doctor ran all this bloodwork and everything came back

normal, so she suggested moving me up to a full dose. This worked for

awhile, and I was actually mad that my only " problem " was being mental.

I studied Psychology in school and I was irritated I couldn't " cure

myself " . Then towards the end of 2003 I got tired more often and my

depressive episodes were getting more frequent and severe. I wouldn't

say I'm ever really happy, but recently, every three days or so, it was

like I'd fall off an emotional cliff. My doctor decided I needed to

stay on some kind of antidepressant that battles anxiety too, but she

felt that the Prozac was starting to make me be angry/irritated and not

helping me with the depression. She put me on Lexopro instead. (It

didn't make me sick yet <crosses fingers>.) And then in 2-3 weeks, she

wants me to add in Wellbutrin XL. This medicine will specifically

target the depression and lethargy and lack of motivation. I'll try to

remember to update everyone how it turns out.

The most frustrating part is that my husband does not seem at all phased

by my physical disability, but it's these emotional problems that drive

him (and my whole family) up the wall!

Jenn

Biancucci wrote:

> Jenn (or others),

> What sort of medication do you take? I have had depression/anxiety

> off and on for years since i was a pre-teen. it seems that either i

> go through moments where its mainly depression, or mainly anxiety. i

> cant seem to find a medication that works, and people trying to tell

> me i can get through it myself really does not help. i have made

> eprogress on my own, but still struggle. I have tried paxil (8

> months) which helped a lot w/ the depression/anxiety but really gave

> me horrible side effects like severe night sweats, foggy mind, made me

> act more irrational, very sleepy and very forgettful. i then tried

> busbar--no luck, just made mind in a fog. then tried lexapro--made me

> violently sick/throw up. i am now taking klonopin (for anxiety) as

> needed but this is a highly abused/addictive med so my doctor hates me

> being on it and will onlyy prescribe in small, limited doses til i

> find something else---what sucks is this stuff works! great and i like

> not having meds in me all the time

> but only when needed. im at a loss of what to try next----it cant be

> very similar to paxil cuz i hated that so much.

> And yes, related to the dating/boyfriend thing--i think that is a huge

> part of where this all comes from. i keep a hopeful atttitude, know i

> am of value/capable ofo being wanted/loved, but have my very dark

> moments where i tthink about being 25 and never finding a man to

> truelly accept me and love me, that i can love back. that combined w/

> the fact im isolated much of the day as well, doesnt help.

>

>

[Guest guest]

a Bishop wrote:

> Grass is always greener, eh Jenn? :-) -Kris

Yep, maritial grass always seemed so much greener when I was in single

pastures.

--

Jenn Malatesta

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/16/2004 6:31:59 PM Central Standard Time,

nekrosys@... writes:

But I'm pretty isolated during the day

while Lee and the kids are at school, especially in the winter when I

cannot go tooling around outside without freezing.

But at least you understand. Sniff...

You can move to NY and be isolated with us. Heheh. Anyway, I'm here if

ya wanna bitch/scream/talk to someone.

*Amy*

Mother to Caitlyn Mae - born to heaven 3/26/98

Olivia Isabelle - born to earth 9/18/03

Wife to Will 11/03/95

http://community.webshots.com/user/blueyedaze

[Guest guest]

a Bishop wrote:

> Yes, Jenn--I second that! Especially since I only live 6 minutes

> away...I would have watched the girls on V-day... -Kris

I know. But our babysitter plans fell through at the last moment, and

for all I knew you had a hot date!

--

Jenn Malatesta

[Guest guest]

blueyedaze@... wrote:

> You can move to NY and be isolated with us.

I'd move to NY in a heartbeat. Maybe I can convince Lee to go to grad

school there. I actually think we should all move somewhere *warm*

though.

--

Jenn Malatesta

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/18/2004 11:23:01 AM Central Standard Time,

nekrosys@... writes:

I'd move to NY in a heartbeat. Maybe I can convince Lee to go to grad

school there. I actually think we should all move somewhere *warm*

though.

Ohh yeah, me too. I'm sick of these subzero temps and huge snowbanks!

*Amy*

Mother to Caitlyn Mae - born to heaven 3/26/98

Olivia Isabelle - born to earth 9/18/03

Wife to Will 11/03/95

http://community.webshots.com/user/blueyedaze

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/19/2004 5:51:03 AM Eastern Standard Time,

vermeer@... writes:

I can not change

much thus worry is redundant and unnecessary... Things will not get any

better and you learn to deal with it, it sinks in, it becomes a part of

you... Cest la vie...

That's exactly how I feel. In my opinion, life is to short to worry so much.

Although I do get down about the whole bf thing. Even the guys I've been

interested in reject me or have a gf. I just try to stay positive and

optimistic

about the whole dating/relationship thing.

s, the Unique Princess

" Follow your heart, your intuition, it will lead you in the right direction. "

-Jewel