To Patty---LONG

November 8, 2001

Dear Patty,

Thanks for your prayers and support. I don't know what I would do without

you moms out there.

Mike was dx ocd in 8\97, exploded in 4\98, became violent end of 5\98. He

was hospitalized 3 times in 98, 1 time in 99, 0 in 2000, and this is the 2nd

time this year, for violent behavior. They attempt to find a medication to

stabilize him, or help with the behavior. (he was undiagnosed bi-polar before,

now we know, they try to adjust his meds) He is in individual therapy, group

therapy, art therapy. They try to get him to talk about his feelings. (he

keeps those locked up so tight) they teach anger management skill, and

relaxation skills. Here the hospitalization is 7 days, if he needs longer,

there is a court hearing so that his rights aren't violated. After his 3rd

hospitalization in 98 (our 30 days of inpatient treatment with insurance ran

out) he went to a residential treatment center for 9 months. (basically a group

home) where they continued the same but in a less restricted environment. 3

months before he came home, I started taking him to the ocd therapist and we

started working on exposure therapy intensely.

Mike is 13 now.

I have read some of your posts Patty, and my heart goes out to you. I (and

some other moms on this list) have lived with violent kids, and know how

horrible that is. In the beginning I made a lot of excuses for him because I

didn't want him to have to go to the hospital. But I have gotten much

healthier. My attitude now is " I don't deserve to be assaulted by ANYONE. " I

know his illness (bi-polar) plays a huge part in his violent behavior, but the

rule is " You can't live here and hurt me " If you hurt me, you need HELP. So he

has to go to the hospital. This might sound harsh, but it is really healthy for

us. It is the hardest act of love-TOUGH LOVE. And I love that kid so so much.

I know these are really scary times for you. Speak with the psych. about

'drawing a line in the sand'. That means you put the rule out, give your

daughter alternatives,(like if she feels violent, she needs to go to her room

and pound the pillow; or go in the basement and hit the punching bag, or what

ever) and if she assaults you, she goes to the hospital. I know that this is

much easier said than done. Mike will only rarely go in his room and choose a

healthy alternative to assaulting me. But if they are not able to do this, they

are not okay. They need help, more than you can give them, and that may mean

the police come, take her to the hospital, and she gets admitted. It seems I

say this like I say " Cherry pie for dessert " but I had to get that comfortable

with it. I used to be so afraid I would say something 'to set him off'. I

would not mention hospital, as I didn't want him to go. My thinking was not

healthy for my son. So I can now say Hospital as easy as Cherry Pie! I didn't

do it on my own-it took a lot of therapy for me and family therapy for us.

I am wishing you the best Patty, and sending hugs and prayers your way.

in NJ.

Mike's Crash and ocd increases

Hi Everyone,

I am way behind on reading the posts, as life took a little dip. Monday

Mike decided he was quitting his day program; his therapist at this program had

no clue what had happened during the day. The short of it is, Mike

decompensated horribly, became aggressive, could not be talked down, I had to

call the police. Ugh. By the time they arrived, he had gotten into the knives,

had 3 he refused to give up. I did make a break for the front door, and escaped

outside as the police arrived. Mike refused to put his knives down and when he

continued to threaten the police and refuse to give up his knives, on the third

request the police drew his gun. I then knew that I could no longer control

what happened to Mike, and that he had to follow authorities directions. I feel

like I let go of his hand that I had been holding all this time. I fell apart,

started sobbing so hard I couldn't talk or stop. It was such an awful thing.

(gun and breaking down) Of course, that scared Mike enough so he gave up the

knives, broke down in tears, and was taken out to the squad car. He peacefully

went to the hospital and was admitted. We are working on his meds for mood

disorder, but of course in the hospital ocd rears its ugly head and the only

person who knows about ocd and exposure is me. They (staff) chalk things up to

him being defiant.

I need help thinking of exposures. Mike has taken to carrying around his

teddy bear because Mike is 'terrified the police will shoot him.' He believes

the bear will protect him. He is having constant thoughts/fears that the police

will shoot him (didn't sleep much last nite). I talked to him and made him give

up the bear for 90 minutes today while I was there. As soon as he got him back,

he was visibly relieved-lip picking quit, leg shaking stopped. He is aware that

he is having magical thinking and irrational fear. Any ideas for exposures? He

did start crying and tell me it was easier to do exposure therapy with Lee (ocd

doc). His fear temp is " infinity " . Which of course is much higher than 10. He

is also not trusting of me to come up with his exposures without checking with

Lee. (maternity leave). So I told him I would ask the 'therapists' in my

support group for exposure suggestions. He liked that idea. I am MOM, I can't

be right! The therapist and staff chalk it up to immaturity. (never carried

the bear on other admissions-if fact hid him under his pillow) He also can't

drink water from the faucet or the water fountain-it's dirty. This too is new.

And he tells me there are other ocd things going on, but couldn't tell me yet.

Says he can't tell the doc or therapist as they don't have a clue-he is

partially right. So do I confront this stuff while he is hospitalized? I don't

want it get out of control. But maybe it's best left alone right now. I don't

want to enable him either. I have been singing Fannie May queen's song:

Enabling, Enabling...!!! I am so good at recognizing Mike's ocd stuff and my

enabling stuff.

I am using this time to restore me and reconnect with my husband. I have

come a long way-hospitalizations no longer upset me and make me cry. Now I use

that time wisely. It's very valuable and rare. Any exposure suggestions would

be greatly appreciated. Hugs to all, in NJ

November 8, 2001

Hi , was mike diagnost bipolar when he was in the hospital or where,

shauna was diagnost with ocd, but there still trying to figure something else

with it, ,what is a residential stay about, her therapist has mentioned she is

border line. lol patty in calif.