Chris-- remorseful behavior

[Guest guest]

Hi Chris---

It's been a busy day (and busy week) preparing for the Holiday weekend AND school starting on Tues. of next week. I will try to answer your question (below) to the best of my ability.....

About the "remorseful alcoholic" question - what do the AA groups tell the family members to do regarding the alcoholic's behavior - how should the family react to any alcoholic rages, etc. If the person is going through depression/remorse for their actions, I'm sure they don't tell the family to forgive/forget, etc.

*** explained the Eighth Step (thanks ! My recovery books were upstairs) about making amends to all people you have harmed. However, Alanon (or CoDA) groups don't focus too heavily on the behavior of the alcoholic and how to make them well (they have their own group for that) but put focus on OUR behavior OUR recovery. No... they don't tell family members to 'forgive and forget' -- that has to come when you're ready to do so, and IF you choose to. But, they DO help us forgive and forget our OWN guilt, and teach us ways to remain focused on our own recovery by learning to love ourselves.

The overly-remorseful way that behaves after one of these episodes is over-the-top and seems manipulative and controlling to me. He acts as though HE'S the one that should get all the attention because (in his words) he's such a 'bad, horrible person...' etc. This bothered me after his impulsive angry outburst a couple of weeks ago because I needed to process my OWN feelings -- and I couldn't do that-- because it was all about HIM-- and not about me.

Here's the part that I hope will answer your questions. How did Alanon (or ACoA) help me deal with this situation? Well, my old self would have probably ignored my own pain, jumped up and taken care of him because he was feeling sooooooooooo bad about what he had done. I would have comforted him, reassured him, told him he wasn't such a bad boy, it was just an accident, lied for him, blah, blah, blah... and ignored MYSELF. I would have catered to HIM, tip-toed around HIM and worried about not upsetting HIM -- and not about me. Do you see how messed up that is, especially after I'd been seriously WOUNDED and needed to go to the hospital?? LOL!!

This is what I did instead: I looked at him with one of those 'ummm, this isn't about YOU right now' looks and said, "-- I've already told you that I have forgiven you. Now.....are you going to stand there feeling sorry for yourself or are you going to make yourself useful and help your MOTHER??

The choice is yours." And, then... I tuned him OUT and took care of ME and let myself cry and feel my OWN pain (as opposed to worrying about his). Lo and behold, he stopped the pity party/guilt trip and helped me. AND-- that made him feel GOOD about himself !!!

If you're curious about these types of programs-- visit one or two in your spare time (everyone is welcome), or go online and read up on co-dependency.

There have been times when I have SLIPPED and became co-OCD with 's disorder because it's an easy thing to do, especially with a sick child- and especially when emotions are high. I have over-focused on him and worried too much about HIS problems and forgot about Me and My Life!! Every single day is a NEW day-- and a new opportunity to start over, and practice a healthy detachment from his problems.

I hope this helped!

Joni

[Guest guest]

Thanks Joni! Yeah, the part about how you reacted after

the " accident " and the part below -

" There have been times when I have SLIPPED and became co-OCD with

's disorder because it's an easy thing to do, especially with a

sick child- and especially when emotions are high. I have over-

focused on him and worried too much about HIS problems and forgot

about Me and My Life!! Every single day is a NEW day-- and a new

opportunity to start over, and practice a healthy detachment from his

problems "

answered my question. It just sort of struck me in one of your

earlier notes that there might be some similarities in how NOT to be

a codependent/enabler for an alcoholic as opposed to someone having

behaviors from OCD, ADHD, bipolar, etc., and ways for the families to

handle the behaviors since none of them are in control of themselves

during a " meltdown. " So the message is the same here - TAKE CARE OF

OURSELVES TOO!!!

END OF SUBJECT!! AND THANKS!! (And good luck next week with school

beginning.)

> Hi Chris---

> It's been a busy day (and busy week) preparing for the Holiday

weekend AND

> school starting on Tues. of next week. I will try to answer your

question

> (below) to the best of my ability.....

>

>

> > About the " remorseful alcoholic " question - what do the AA groups

> > tell the family members to do regarding the alcoholic's behavior -

> > how should the family react to any alcoholic rages, etc. If the

> > person is going through depression/remorse for their actions, I'm

> > sure they don't tell the family to forgive/forget, etc.

>

>

> *** explained the Eighth Step (thanks ! My recovery

books were

> upstairs) about making amends to all people you have harmed.

However, Alanon

> (or CoDA) groups don't focus too heavily on the behavior of the

alcoholic and

> how to make them well (they have their own group for that) but put

focus on

> OUR behavior OUR recovery. No... they don't tell family members

to 'forgive

> and forget' -- that has to come when you're ready to do so, and IF

you choose

> to. But, they DO help us forgive and forget our OWN guilt, and

teach us

> ways to remain focused on our own recovery by learning to love

ourselves.

>

> The overly-remorseful way that behaves after one of these

episodes is

> over-the-top and seems manipulative and controlling to me. He acts

as though

> HE'S the one that should get all the attention because (in his

words) he's

> such a 'bad, horrible person...' etc. This bothered me after his

impulsive

> angry outburst a couple of weeks ago because I needed to process my

OWN

> feelings -- and I couldn't do that-- because it was all about HIM--

and not

> about me.

>

> Here's the part that I hope will answer your questions. How did

Alanon (or

> ACoA) help me deal with this situation? Well, my old self would

have

> probably ignored my own pain, jumped up and taken care of him

because he was

> feeling sooooooooooo bad about what he had done. I would have

comforted him,

> reassured him, told him he wasn't such a bad boy, it was just an

accident,

> lied for him, blah, blah, blah... and ignored MYSELF. I would

have catered

> to HIM, tip-toed around HIM and worried about not upsetting HIM --

and not

> about me. Do you see how messed up that is, especially after I'd

been

> seriously WOUNDED and needed to go to the hospital?? LOL!!

>

> This is what I did instead: I looked at him with one of

those 'ummm, this

> isn't about YOU right now' looks and said, " -- I've

already told you

> that I have forgiven you. Now.....are you going to stand there

feeling sorry

> for yourself or are you going to make yourself useful and help your

MOTHER??

> The choice is yours. " And, then... I tuned him OUT and took care

of ME and

> let myself cry and feel my OWN pain (as opposed to worrying about

his). Lo

> and behold, he stopped the pity party/guilt trip and helped me.

AND-- that

> made him feel GOOD about himself !!!

>

> If you're curious about these types of programs-- visit one or two

in your

> spare time (everyone is welcome), or go online and read up on co-

dependency.

> There have been times when I have SLIPPED and became co-OCD with

's

> disorder because it's an easy thing to do, especially with a sick

child- and

> especially when emotions are high. I have over-focused on him and

worried

> too much about HIS problems and forgot about Me and My Life!!

Every single

> day is a NEW day-- and a new opportunity to start over, and

practice a

> healthy detachment from his problems.

>

> I hope this helped!

> Joni