Re: School - going not so well now!

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/31/01 8:41:44 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

@... writes:

<<

Well, the school year that began so great with doing all his

own reading and writing seems to be coming to an end already!! They

began here Aug 8. >>

starts 11th grade next week. He is starting in a new school setting

(smaller classes with more individualized attention) and I am optimistic

about the coming year. REALITY CHECK sets in.

I find that after having experienced OCD and school for since 3rd

grade, I should stop my " magical thinking " and base my expectations on our

history over the years with school . . But a part of me always has hope that

this year will be different and it usually starts out great until the

inevitable happens.....the pressures of performing up to the standards of the

teacher/school become a reality. I find myself even now 3 days away from the

beginning of school, that I'm tempting myself with the thought that this year

will be different. I still haven't been able to find that emotional middle

ground.....don't think I ever will. I always am optimistic that this year

will be different with school. The thing is that is different each

year...has come further along with mastering his OCD in his life but when

school is introduced, we are put into the position of evaluating his personal

accomplishments on a whole different playing field...what we may see as

fantastic personal gains for , the school may not even notice (even

though we point this out) and only see where he is lacking. It's hard to

keep the things that are really important to his life development and

accomplishments in perspective during this time.

I too find that I have to help with HW (I do some of it) by the second

month of school and I've come to the conclusion that if he is performing up

to his capacity and knows the work and I can keep him functioning, then I'll

help him. (Forget about modifications to HW in our district with what they

say are the new Regent's standards...but that's a whole other story.) What

I'm trying to say is that we are trying to rise above what the school is

saying has to be done to get an education, and make it possible for our son

to get through the system and grow both personally and academically and keep

it in balance for his unique needs.

I'll keep you posted on how things go after he starts next week.

/NY

[Guest guest]

Chris--

You're a SINGLE WORKING mom of 3 sons!!! I can't imagine how hard this must be for you trying to keep up with 's homework!!! (((hugs))))

Afterall, when you get home from work, you've got your own 'homework' like laundry, preparing dinner, doing the bills, cleaning the house, etc etc etc etc etc !! Does anyone help you ??

I'd offer my 'help' by asking him to do, say.... 10 minutes of his own work, and you'll meet him half-way and help with 10 minutes of your time. But, I would seriously try to wean him off of you in THIS area, if it doesn't result in too many battles. Homework shouldn't be a battle ground. Talk to his special ed teacher and tell him/her how you're writing all his homework and SHOULD YOU BE DOING THIS? 's special ed teacher told me flat out:

"NO." Why? Because it's HIS homework, not mine. She takes into consideration that he has fine motor problems with handwriting, so she'll accept homework done on a computer, or spoken into a cassette recorder. It doesn't HAVE to be written. Plus, she doesn't make him do ALL of the homework assigned.

So, I help with HARD stuff, like projects, etc... but I've been down this road with my older son who doesn't have OCD (and with ADHD). You give them an inch-- they take a MILE. Back out inch by inch. Afterall, he was doing GREAT just 3 weeks ago!!! He CAN do it!!!! You've SEEN it !!

Would a reward work? I HATE giving rewards for homework (because LEARNING *is* the reward) but sometimes, you gotta do what ya gotta do!!! Would this work?-- Every night he completes his homework ON HIS OWN and before 6pm-- he gets (fill in the blank) ?? (like more TV time, Nintendo, phone privileges, etc)

We have just FOUND 's PASSION. He wants to go into the Music store EVERY SINGLE DAY (he's obsessed w/ playing the guitar, drums, you name it, but that's ok with me). So, you can be willing to bet I'm going to 'play' this card for all it's worth when it comes to homework this year. He'll be required to complete ALL homework ON HIS OWN before we take him for his guitar lessons or just browsing at the music store-- something he can't get enough of. Find s PASSION.... and use it as a reward for homework.

Just some thoughts and ideas. I know this must be so hard on you, Chris!!

(((lots of hugs to you)))

Joni

"Inch by inch, life's a cinch. By the yard, it's very hard."

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/31/01 12:57:47 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

@... writes:

<< he is trying his best, to his capacity, I'm glad to help. But

sometimes I just wonder if he's just being LAZY about it all - like,

say, a " normal " kid who doesn't feel like doing his/her homework, not

in the mood, etc. - because knows I'll pick up the slack.

It's so hard to identify at times. >>

Hi

I know what you mean...it is like that with so many behaviors with OCD kids.

We have found that the true test is when starts closing down

completely....in everything, even socially. This is when I know it is true

OCD and he has gone beyond what he is capable of handling on his own and

needs some help. The question I always struggle with is how to recognize the

signs before he actually closes down but still keep pushing him forward in

his ability to better cope with these things. We are getting better at it

though (8 long years of experience) and if we go beyond what he is capable of

then it is OK, because we can pull it back. If we try the stronghanded

approach once this happens, we have found that it only makes him worse with

no turn around so it is not an option with . In the meantime what we

are trying to get him to do is to " push the envelope " of his comfort level

and in the long run make him that much stronger.

Keep up all your good work with and comfort yourself with the thought

that some day in the future you will be free from having to deal with SCHOOL

.. I know I can't wait!!!!

Take care,

/NY

[Guest guest]

" What I'm trying to say is that we are trying to

rise above what the school is saying has to be done to get an

education, and make it possible for our son to get through the system

and grow both personally and academically and keep

it in balance for his unique needs. "

- I'll gladly take any advice on how to do this! Right now I

just want him to keep on passing each grade, but passing with the

knowledge he should have too.

Keep me posted on how everything goes!!

(already pooping out along with after only 3 weeks!)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/31/01 12:57:47 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

@... writes:

<<

You also wrote: " What I'm trying to say is that we are trying to

rise above what the school is saying has to be done to get an

education, and make it possible for our son to get through the system

and grow both personally and academically and keep

it in balance for his unique needs. "

- I'll gladly take any advice on how to do this! Right now I

just want him to keep on passing each grade, but passing with the

knowledge he should have too. >>

Hi

I guess I make myself stay focussed on the true life goals that we have for

and what is really important in the grand scheme of his life. Also, I

am a strong parent advocate at the school to make sure they address his needs

as best they can. (Not always easy and not always successful but I'm sure he

is getting more than if I wasn't as active.)

I figure that if is passing his tests and he knows his work, and the HW

is only serving to wear him down to perform in school the next day, then

something isn't right. (We have leaned that to ponder on what could

achieve with his abilities at this point would only serve to torture all.) I

really believe that in the community we live in, the teachers give all this

enrichment HW for the benefit of the parents. They are always complaining

that the children should be challenged to a higher degree and question it

when they do not get HW (but that's another story too). Anyway whether I'm

deluding myself or not, that is the way I deal with school and HW.

I do feel guilty, and very alone in this way of looking at things and

sometimes I second guess myself. But then I look back at where was and

where he is now, and I somehow know we are on the right track.

Stay strong and the great mother you are with .

/NY

[Guest guest]

Afterall, when you get home from work, you've got your own 'homework'

like laundry, preparing dinner, doing the bills, cleaning the house "

-ADD doing the dishes in the sink. I try NOT to think about bills.

And add mowing the grass - which is something I actually LIKE to do,

so I don't let the kids do that - it's MY time to myself.

WHO CLEANS HOUSE?? I'm not kidding!

If actually gets worse regarding schoolwork, I'll probably

try the " you work on it 10 minutes by yourself " bit and increase it

some and maybe I can come up with a reward. I already do the " you

ate supper an hour ago, I'll get you something else when you've done

some homework " bit - it doesn't go over too well! LOL

Thanks Joni!!

> Chris--

> You're a SINGLE WORKING mom of 3 sons!!! I can't imagine how hard

this must

> be for you trying to keep up with 's homework!!!

(((hugs))))

> Afterall, when you get home from work, you've got your

own 'homework' like

> laundry, preparing dinner, doing the bills, cleaning the house, etc

etc etc

> etc etc !! Does anyone help you ??

>

> I'd offer my 'help' by asking him to do, say.... 10 minutes of his

own work,

> and you'll meet him half-way and help with 10 minutes of your

time. But, I

> would seriously try to wean him off of you in THIS area, if it

doesn't result

> in too many battles. Homework shouldn't be a battle ground. Talk

to his

> special ed teacher and tell him/her how you're writing all his

homework and

> SHOULD YOU BE DOING THIS? 's special ed teacher told me flat

out:

> " NO. " Why? Because it's HIS homework, not mine. She takes into

> consideration that he has fine motor problems with handwriting, so

she'll

> accept homework done on a computer, or spoken into a cassette

recorder. It

> doesn't HAVE to be written. Plus, she doesn't make him do ALL of

the

> homework assigned.

> So, I help with HARD stuff, like projects, etc... but I've

been down

> this road with my older son who doesn't have OCD (and with

ADHD). You

> give them an inch-- they take a MILE. Back out inch by inch.

Afterall, he

> was doing GREAT just 3 weeks ago!!! He CAN do it!!!! You've SEEN

it !!

> Would a reward work? I HATE giving rewards for homework (because

LEARNING

> *is* the reward) but sometimes, you gotta do what ya gotta do!!!

Would this

> work?-- Every night he completes his homework ON HIS OWN and before

6pm-- he

> gets (fill in the blank) ?? (like more TV time, Nintendo, phone

privileges,

> etc)

> We have just FOUND 's PASSION. He wants to go into the Music

store

> EVERY SINGLE DAY (he's obsessed w/ playing the guitar, drums, you

name it,

> but that's ok with me). So, you can be willing to bet I'm going

to 'play'

> this card for all it's worth when it comes to homework this year.

He'll be

> required to complete ALL homework ON HIS OWN before we take him for

his

> guitar lessons or just browsing at the music store-- something he

can't get

> enough of. Find s PASSION.... and use it as a reward for

homework.

> Just some thoughts and ideas. I know this must be so hard on you,

Chris!!

> (((lots of hugs to you)))

> Joni

> " Inch by inch, life's a cinch. By the yard, it's very hard. "

[Guest guest]

AND FOR A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE:

and

I have to smile when I read of your concerns about helping with your

kids' homework. Anticipating yet another late night, I also make an

attempt at this. However, Mr. Scrupulosity will have nothing of it.

Picture this: Melinda at 12:00 midnight begging, " Just let me color

the water, just let me color the water! " GEEZ!

Melinda S.

Dallas

" What I'm trying to say is that we are trying to

> rise above what the school is saying has to be done to get an

> education, and make it possible for our son to get through the

system

> and grow both personally and academically and keep

> it in balance for his unique needs. "

>

> - I'll gladly take any advice on how to do this! Right now I

> just want him to keep on passing each grade, but passing with the

> knowledge he should have too.

>

> Keep me posted on how everything goes!!

>

>

> (already pooping out along with after only 3 weeks!)

[Guest guest]

On the homework issue:

These poor kids...even my non-OCD kid...I hate this for them. When I

was in school, we had homework, but nothing like this. I attended

the HS Open House last week. One of 's teachers said, " I

don't give homework. How would you like to work a 7 hour day and

them come home knowing you had to do 2-4 hours more work? " I fairly

shouted, " YEEESSSSS! The voice of reason! " Too bad this guy isn't

running the school (or the world).

Melinda S.

Dallas

" What I'm trying to say is that we are trying to

> rise above what the school is saying has to be done to get an

> education, and make it possible for our son to get through the

system

> and grow both personally and academically and keep

> it in balance for his unique needs. "

>

> - I'll gladly take any advice on how to do this! Right now I

> just want him to keep on passing each grade, but passing with the

> knowledge he should have too. >>

>

> Hi

> I guess I make myself stay focussed on the true life goals that we

have for

> and what is really important in the grand scheme of his

life. Also, I

> am a strong parent advocate at the school to make sure they address

his needs

> as best they can. (Not always easy and not always successful but

I'm sure he

> is getting more than if I wasn't as active.)

> I figure that if is passing his tests and he knows his work,

and the HW

> is only serving to wear him down to perform in school the next day,

then

> something isn't right. (We have leaned that to ponder on what

could

> achieve with his abilities at this point would only serve to

torture all.) I

> really believe that in the community we live in, the teachers give

all this

> enrichment HW for the benefit of the parents. They are always

complaining

> that the children should be challenged to a higher degree and

question it

> when they do not get HW (but that's another story too). Anyway

whether I'm

> deluding myself or not, that is the way I deal with school and HW.

> I do feel guilty, and very alone in this way of looking at things

and

> sometimes I second guess myself. But then I look back at where

was and

> where he is now, and I somehow know we are on the right track.

> Stay strong and the great mother you are with .

> /NY

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/2/01 12:46:48 AM Eastern Daylight Time, JSh1000@... writes:

On the homework issue:

These poor kids...even my non-OCD kid...I hate this for them. When I was in school, we had homework, but nothing like this. I attended the HS Open House last week. One of 's teachers said, "I don't give homework. How would you like to work a 7 hour day and them come home knowing you had to do 2-4 hours more work?" I fairly shouted, "YEEESSSSS! The voice of reason!" Too bad this guy isn't running the school (or the world).

Melinda S.

Melinda--

There's been alot of controversy surrounding the homework issue. Many schools are re-thinking their positions and giving less of it (and some are going as far as publicly stating only 25 minutes each night and no more). I think there's even a book or two out there about how the public school system is giving too much homework. Many parents are furious--- especially with so many WORKING parents these days-- who has time (or the energy) to help their kids after a long day at work? Plus, what's wrong with the system if WE have to help them with their homework??? My parents NEVER helped me with mine!!!

I was expected to turn in MY work and no one elses. And, I never WANTED my parents help.

So, yeah...I agree... they're pushing these kids way too HARD these days with HOMEWORK- no wonder they have ANXIETY!!! However, public school doesn't hold a stick to the way they PUSH in private school !!! *shudder* No wonder some kids burn out before they even get to college.

Joni

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/2/01 6:38:49 AM Eastern Daylight Time, lyricaldreamer@... writes:

On the homework issue: These poor kids...even my non-OCD kid...I hate this for them. When I was in school, we had homework, but nothing like this. I attended the HS Open House last week. One of 's teachers said, "I don't give homework. How would you like to work a 7 hour day and them come home knowing you had to do 2-4 hours more work?" I fairly shouted, "YEEESSSSS! The voice of reason!" Too bad this guy isn't running the school (or the world). Melinda S.

HI Melinda

I agree about the homework issue, they should not overload them. Last year my son's homeroom teacher gave everyone math homework even though they had a different math teacher!!! So every night he had double the math work plus other work. We really had a rough time because it took 3 hours of homework every night. He was in 4th grade. I hope and pray for a teacher(s) like 's!

Tammy from Pa

[Guest guest]

Wow, Tammy! 3 hours homework in 4th grade!!!! I'd have been sitting

on the principal's doorstep!

Melinda

> In a message dated 9/2/01 6:38:49 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

> lyricaldreamer@y... writes:

>

>

> > On the homework issue:

> > These poor kids...even my non-OCD kid...I hate this for them.

When I

> > was in school, we had homework, but nothing like this. I

attended

> > the HS Open House last week. One of 's teachers said, " I

> > don't give homework. How would you like to work a 7 hour day and

> > them come home knowing you had to do 2-4 hours more work? " I

fairly

> > shouted, " YEEESSSSS! The voice of reason! " Too bad this guy

isn't

> > running the school (or the world).

> > Melinda S.

> >

>

> HI Melinda

>

> I agree about the homework issue, they should not overload them.

Last year my

> son's homeroom teacher gave everyone math homework even though they

had a

> different math teacher!!! So every night he had double the math

work plus

> other work. We really had a rough time because it took 3 hours of

homework

> every night. He was in 4th grade. I hope and pray for a teacher(s)

like

> 's!

>

> Tammy from Pa

[Guest guest]

Joni:

Ditto. It starts in middle school in our district and gets worse in high school. Depending on the grade you are in determines howmany minutes of homework/class you have. I dread it.

Tamra

Re: Re: School - going not so well now!

In a message dated 9/2/01 12:46:48 AM Eastern Daylight Time, JSh1000@... writes:

On the homework issue: These poor kids...even my non-OCD kid...I hate this for them. When I was in school, we had homework, but nothing like this. I attended the HS Open House last week. One of 's teachers said, "I don't give homework. How would you like to work a 7 hour day and them come home knowing you had to do 2-4 hours more work?" I fairly shouted, "YEEESSSSS! The voice of reason!" Too bad this guy isn't running the school (or the world). Melinda S. Melinda-- There's been alot of controversy surrounding the homework issue. Many schools are re-thinking their positions and giving less of it (and some are going as far as publicly stating only 25 minutes each night and no more). I think there's even a book or two out there about how the public school system is giving too much homework. Many parents are furious--- especially with so many WORKING parents these days-- who has time (or the energy) to help their kids after a long day at work? Plus, what's wrong with the system if WE have to help them with their homework??? My parents NEVER helped me with mine!!! I was expected to turn in MY work and no one elses. And, I never WANTED my parents help. So, yeah...I agree... they're pushing these kids way too HARD these days with HOMEWORK- no wonder they have ANXIETY!!! However, public school doesn't hold a stick to the way they PUSH in private school !!! *shudder* No wonder some kids burn out before they even get to college. Joni You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. You may subscribe to the Parents of Adults with OCD List at parentsofadultswithOCD-subscribe . You may subscribe to the OCD and Homeschooling List at ocdandhomeschooling-subscribe . You may change your subscription format or access the files, bookmarks, and archives for our list at . Our list advisors are Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., Aureen Pinto Wagner, Ph.D., and Dan Geller, M.D. Our list moderators are Birkhan, Kathy Hammes, Joye, Jule Monnens, Gail Pesses, Kathy , Vivian Stembridge, and Jackie Stout. Subscription issues or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at lharkins@... .