Re: Friend obsession

[Guest guest]

Hi Joni!

I had almost posted to you earlier in the day saying that I'm glad

you're apparently feeling better, that things have hopefully improved

since you haven't run off to South Carolina or California or

somewhere and you mentioned your husband had finally seen what you go

through with the constant questioning by !!!

Regarding 's " friend " - would your husband be able to take him

the 45 min away??? That's IF actually invites over. How

long have the phone conversations lasted - a few minutes or much

longer (thinking along the line that maybe they don't really have

much to say to each other)? DOES have any friends nearby? I

know you said he stays at home mostly. If your husband can't take

him, I think I'd hold your position about if REALLY wanted to

see you he would call YOU - or have 's parents call me if he

wants you to come over, etc., etc. For some reason that sounds like

what I've told MY kids sometimes, particularly the twins.

Well, keep locking yourself in your room and let your husband deal

with !! Go look for that job! By the way, how's ??

> Out of the blue, (10) has started calling a friend of his

> **from 5 years ago.** We moved 5 years ago and lost touch with

this

> boy and his family. The boy was NOT a good friend to , so I

> didn't encourage that they keep in touch through the years.

Besides,

> at this age, friends are a matter of CONVENIENCE and not people you

> drive 45 minutes to go see. If he were a teenager, I'd understand

> the need to see this old friend. But, this need to call ''

has

> come out of the blue, and he's been calling him obsessively.

>

> I took the phone away from him today-- and he had a complete

> meltdown. Too bad. He's embarrassing HIMSELF and our family by

> calling this kid >>who hardly remembers him<< and INVITING himself

> over!!! If I were to indulge this new obsession, I'd have to drive

> 45 minutes to go see this boy, and hang out at his parents

> house because there's no point in going home only to turn around

and

> pick him up an hour later!!

>

> Of course, my husband thinks I'm being the b*tch from hell again,

but

> he's not the one that would have to do all the driving, nor is he

the

> one that would deal with the tears of wanting to go AGAIN and

AGAIN,

> tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that! Plus, my

husband

> is just as obsessed too (about certain people, mostly ME) so, what

> does he know about making yourself look foolish and totally

> DESPERATE?? I told my husband that I won't LET look like a

> desperate kid who has no friends!!! Let him think what he wants to

> think... This ' obsession' is OVER.

>

> Incidently, found 's telephone number in my

> telephone/address book and has committed it to MEMORY. He keeps

> telling me 'But he *IS* my friend!!!' Me: " Ummm, no he is not.

> hasn't called you ONCE in 5 years!!! Let it go!! It makes

you

> look desperate -- like you have no friends nearby. "

>

> Ugh. This situation has made me more convinced than ever to keep

> therapy for a long time!! I can easily see how, when he's a

> teenager or young adult, how he could be OBSESSED with

relationships,

> namely a girlfriend. It worries me because his father has been

> obsessed with me, and my mother-in-law is obsessed with her son (my

> husband). They drive people away the way they cling and hold on

way

> too tightly!! (My mother-in-law has driven her son away and my

> husband has driven ME away). It's SUCH a turn off - to be obsessed

> over someone-- and I used to call it 'a major character flaw' in

both

> of them. Now, I REALLY see the OCD on the *paternal side* of

things,

> and I resent it even more!!!

> Oh well... just venting....

> Joni

[Guest guest]

Thanks

is feeling better, although we're having MANY doctor/dentist

appts. to fix the teeth that got knocked out (and the ones that may

die) as a result of the facial trauma to his mouth in the accident.

As far as and your questions--- no, my husband won't take

to this kid's house... and I doubt will ever invite HIM over.

In fact, he keeps making up excuses everytime calls!!! It's

embarrassing to see make such a fool out of himself!! That's

why I took the phone away from him-- he isn't being RATIONAL. This

is definitely an OCD thing. The conversations only last a few

minutes, with pressuring to let him come over, and

saying 'ummm.. sure' but offering no date, time, or details, etc.

gets anxious to go see him, saying 'he said YES' but I remind

him that he's probably just trying to be polite (or get him off his

back! LOL)

has been spending WAY too much time inside the house and maybe

he's feeling disconnected and isolated. However, I've offered to

have a party here at our house to encourage some of his friends in

the neighborhood to come by again. I've also offered to take him and

a friend or two to the movies or Chuck E. Cheeses, etc... yet, he

says " I don't like anyone in this neighborhood. " I think

MISSES the good old days in our old neighborhood and he may be

reminincing about his former friendships, but the memories are 5

years old and seem one-sided, only on HIS side. I've tried to get

him involved in other activities to encourage new friends, but he

just wants to sit in the house and throw his emotional garbage and

fears all over me.

I think that I'm just going to have to MAKE him do something instead

of waiting for him to come around. Depression can be paralyzing, and

I think is depressed due to his OCD flairing up so badly. I

know that when I'm depressed, if someone gave me a choice of doing

this or that... I'd say, 'forget it, I'm staying home' because a

depressed person can't MAKE decisions!! However, if they don't

take 'no' for an answer or say.. 'This is where we're going tonight.

Be ready at 7pm' I'd be more inclined to go. So, I'm going to use

this approach with him-- to get him out of the house and to make new

friends.

It's definitely been the worst summer I can EVER remember having!!

To make matters worse, the new school year is looming over our heads

because school starts in a month, the Tuesday after Labor Day. I

need to figure out what to do about (18 with ADHD/OCD) because

he's refusing to go back to school, so I need to either homeschool

him (*shudder*) OR make him get his GED. Then, (who has a

birthday tomorrow) has at least 10 more doctor appts, and we need to

find him a new car with LESS than the insurance company gave us for

it's value (isn't that always the case), while somehow finding the

time to keep 's therapy appts AND taking him to the hospital for

Dr. Mom to give him ERP sessions 5 times per week!!! Not to mention

the MOUNTAIN of laundry to do and the poor neglected house and

pets!!!

Running a small country? You betcha. If mothers had interns--- they

wouldn't wind up MISSING or exploited!!!

Joni

>

> Hi Joni!

> I had almost posted to you earlier in the day saying that I'm glad

> you're apparently feeling better, that things have hopefully

improved

> since you haven't run off to South Carolina or California or

> somewhere and you mentioned your husband had finally seen what you

go

> through with the constant questioning by !!!

>

> Regarding 's " friend " - would your husband be able to take him

> the 45 min away??? That's IF actually invites over.

How

> long have the phone conversations lasted - a few minutes or much

> longer (thinking along the line that maybe they don't really have

> much to say to each other)? DOES have any friends nearby? I

> know you said he stays at home mostly. If your husband can't take

> him, I think I'd hold your position about if REALLY wanted to

> see you he would call YOU - or have 's parents call me if he

> wants you to come over, etc., etc. For some reason that sounds

like

> what I've told MY kids sometimes, particularly the twins.

>

> Well, keep locking yourself in your room and let your husband deal

> with !! Go look for that job! By the way, how's ??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Joni:

" relationship " OCD seems to be a pretty common symptom. At least that is

what I have learned from being on the OCD-L. Also sufferers mention how

painful these symptoms are. They do not want to be obsessing about these

people at all. It is even more upsetting to than it is to you.

Hang in there, OCD has a way of almost never making any sense or being

logical. You can tell this is OCD bossing him around and he can find

a way to deal with this through E & RP with his therapist. Good luck to you

both, hang in there, take care, aloha, kathy (h)

kathyh@...

At 07:00 PM 07/29/2001 -0000, you wrote:

>Out of the blue, (10) has started calling a friend of his

>**from 5 years ago.** We moved 5 years ago and lost touch with this

>boy and his family. The boy was NOT a good friend to , so I

>didn't encourage that they keep in touch through the years. Besides,

>at this age, friends are a matter of CONVENIENCE and not people you

>drive 45 minutes to go see. If he were a teenager, I'd understand

>the need to see this old friend. But, this need to call '' has

>come out of the blue, and he's been calling him obsessively.

>

>I took the phone away from him today-- and he had a complete

>meltdown. Too bad. He's embarrassing HIMSELF and our family by

>calling this kid >>who hardly remembers him<< and INVITING himself

>over!!! If I were to indulge this new obsession, I'd have to drive

> 45 minutes to go see this boy, and hang out at his parents

>house because there's no point in going home only to turn around and

>pick him up an hour later!!

>

>Of course, my husband thinks I'm being the b*tch from hell again, but

>he's not the one that would have to do all the driving, nor is he the

>one that would deal with the tears of wanting to go AGAIN and AGAIN,

>tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that! Plus, my husband

>is just as obsessed too (about certain people, mostly ME) so, what

>does he know about making yourself look foolish and totally

>DESPERATE?? I told my husband that I won't LET look like a

>desperate kid who has no friends!!! Let him think what he wants to

>think... This ' obsession' is OVER.

>

>Incidently, found 's telephone number in my

>telephone/address book and has committed it to MEMORY. He keeps

>telling me 'But he *IS* my friend!!!' Me: " Ummm, no he is not.

> hasn't called you ONCE in 5 years!!! Let it go!! It makes you

>look desperate -- like you have no friends nearby. "

>

>Ugh. This situation has made me more convinced than ever to keep

> therapy for a long time!! I can easily see how, when he's a

>teenager or young adult, how he could be OBSESSED with relationships,

>namely a girlfriend. It worries me because his father has been

>obsessed with me, and my mother-in-law is obsessed with her son (my

>husband). They drive people away the way they cling and hold on way

>too tightly!! (My mother-in-law has driven her son away and my

>husband has driven ME away). It's SUCH a turn off - to be obsessed

>over someone-- and I used to call it 'a major character flaw' in both

>of them. Now, I REALLY see the OCD on the *paternal side* of things,

>and I resent it even more!!!

>Oh well... just venting....

>Joni

[Guest guest]

Joni, this is heart-tugging and something Kel did as well several months

after OCD hit. She began romanticizing her life, friends, etc. before

OCD--also wishing she hadn't grown up, that she was still three or four and

in preschool, before OCD made everything, including her friendships,

difficult and unrewarding. She seemed to want to transport herself back in

time to the people and places she enjoyed before OCD, to get away from it I

think. She also pushed hard to contact the old friends, and even had a few

playdates with these kids--which were disappointing all in all. may

also be thinking that if he gets back with friends he had before OCD, things

can be the way they were before he had to contend with the disorder.

and Kel are still young enough to have this sort of magical thinking, and

think a return to another place or time will get rid of the OCD. may

even half-believe that OCD is " in " the new neighborhood, and not in the old.

This type of thinking faded as Kel's OCD receded and she's happy today with

her current friends and all the things she can do as a big girl. I bet his

obsession with old friends will fade as he improves as well.

Kathy R. in Indiana

----- Original Message -----

From: " Joni " <lyricaldreamer@...>

> has been spending WAY too much time inside the house and maybe

> he's feeling disconnected and isolated. However, I've offered to

> have a party here at our house to encourage some of his friends in

> the neighborhood to come by again. I've also offered to take him and

> a friend or two to the movies or Chuck E. Cheeses, etc... yet, he

> says " I don't like anyone in this neighborhood. " I think

> MISSES the good old days in our old neighborhood and he may be

> reminincing about his former friendships, but the memories are 5

> years old and seem one-sided, only on HIS side. I've tried to get

> him involved in other activities to encourage new friends, but he

> just wants to sit in the house and throw his emotional garbage and

> fears all over me.

[Guest guest]

That is something did a lot of several years ago. We moved from Long Beach, CA to Connecticut in 1993 - he was going into 1st grade. We visited there the following summer in 1994 and again in 1995. The visits were wonderful but when we came home, he would lie in bed, thinking constantly about his best friends and . He would also think about our cat Pippin who had died when we lived in Long Beach. He would replay the visits over and over again, and become sad because he didn't have too many friends, and so to him, being 4 and 5 was the best time of his life. He remembers it as a time before OCD (even though there were signs off and on even then). Fortunately, and (who he has known since he was 2 years old) are still friends and he calls them off and on.

A few years ago, there was a kid in his class who was the "perfect" kid - everybody liked him, he was good looking, a good athlete, very popular. really wanted him to like him. He would call after school sometimes and ask if he wanted to come over - always had a reason why he couldn't - sports, whatever. didn't realize that he just didn't want to hang out with him. A few months ago, in 8th grade, he was hanging out with several kids from his old elementary school (including ). Later on, when he was saying how he felt he had no friends, I asked him what about etc. and he said sadly - they don't even know me Mom. All they want to talk abuot is sports, which he really isn't into. It made him feel pretty lonely. Now he is at camp with lots of his friends from last summer, and is very happy (and has lost about 26 lbs. so far.)

Anne in CT