Yearning for Badness - sorry this is long

August 23, 2005

You know that saying about giving up right before the miracle

happens? Well, it could have happened yesterday. For some reason,

yesterday I was hungry all day. Actually, I never really know if

I'm physically hungry or if I'm just preoccupied with thoughts of

eating. I can't seem to differentiate physical from emotional

pangs. Yesterday I definitely had food on the brain.

I drank tons of water and tried to distract myself with work and

blog-reading. I also tried to pinpoint what it was I

wanted. " Okay, Self, " I said. " You want something so bad, what it

is exactly? If you could have anything at all right now, what would

it be? What would satisfy you at this very moment? " I went down

the list. Pizza? No. Cheesy quesadillas? Not really. Peanut

butter (that's always a safe bet)? Surprisingly, not so much.

Turns out, what I wanted was just to be bad. Not to reward myself.

Not to punish myself. Not to spite someone else (don't laugh, I've

used that one before). No, I just wanted to be a rebel. I kept

thinking of things I shouldn't have, instead of things I really

wanted.

As soon as I figured that out, my craving for food and badness went

away. I don't think I really would have deviated from my plan

anyway because it would have required too much effort. I'd have to

decide what I wanted, go to the store, park, walk in, find and

select the item, wait in line to pay, spend my money on this s#@t,

then feel like crap afterward. It's just too much work, but

yesterday it was VERY tempting.

So then this morning, I'm rummaging through my closet looking for

something to wear and decide to try on some pants I haven't been

able to wear since my fit days a few years ago. The pair of size 6

Dockers that I wasn't even able to squeeze up over my thighs I was

suddenly able to pull up and button! Breathing was a problem

though, but hey, that's progress nonetheless. Then I tried on the

size 8 slacks from Ann s Loft. Voila! They fit AND I can

breathe!! Neither of these pants were an option 2 weeks ago and the

scale (evil device of torture that it is) has only moved about a

pound and a half.

I'm convinced that had I caved into my desire for badness yesterday,

the miracle of smaller pants would not have been possible today.

So, ladies, when you feel like cheating today, just remember that it

could be you in those smaller pants tomorrow.

DeDe

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